The causes of all violence in the world, according to Gandhi: Wealth without Work Commerce without Morality Politics without Principle Pleasure without Conscience Science without Humanity Rights without Responsibility Knowledge without Character Worship without Sacrifice ÜÜ ÜÜ ŚÄŻŪŻ ÜßÜÜŽŽž ÜŻß ÜŻß ÜßÜÜŽŽž ŽŪŽÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄæ ³ ŻŪŻ ŻŻ Ž ŽŽ ŽŽ ŻŻ Ž ŽŪŽ ³ ³ ŻŪŻ Üž ßŪ ßŪ Üž ŽŪŽ My Dinner With God ³ ³ ŻŪŻ ÜŻß ŽŽ ŽŽ ÜŻß ŽŪŽ ³ ĄÄŻŪŻ ÜŻŻŻÜÜÜŻŻÜŻŻÜ ÜŻŻÜ ÜŻŻŻÜÜÜŻŻ ŽŪŽÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄŁ ßß ßß Volume I, File VIII [010395] Writer: Knight of Nee! Forward It was in August of 1994 that I started college at the University of North Texas and met Jeff and his host of the psychotically Christian. I know they meant well, but the more I was around the religious, the more I began to understand why Nietzsche said, "After coming in contact with a religious man, I always feel I must wash my hands." Interestingly enough, I too was once one of these terrorist evangelicals many years ago. But it did start me thinking. Who is the supreme being? Where do I fit into the grand scheme of things? Does life matter? Well, not if you consult Morrisey. But hey, what do you expect to get from some shallow has-been who has long outlived his talents and usefulness and spends his days pondering, "What aspect of manic depression have I not totally manipulated into poetic bullshit and put in lyric form so the music-going teens of the world will spend their hard-earned cash to become more and more depressed while I get richer but pretend all that matters is their love?" But I digress. I decided to spend many a month on a spiritual pilgrimage that would lead me to vast, sorrow-drenched land in the distant East where only nature's secrets could be unfolded in snow-capped mountains by men so at peace with themselves it seemed all creation would bend if they merely asked politely. But then I realized that too was a bunch of poetic bullshit and would only occur in movies like "The Razor's Edge", so I stayed in my dorm and finished that alter to David Lynch I'd been meaning to build for a few years now. Of course, I finally realized what needed to be done. It took weeks, and I had to bribe a few influential people in the spiritual hierarchy, but I got a dinner appointment with the Big Guy himself. That's right. God. I had a dinner date with the *real* All-Father himself. The Maker. The Father. Mr. Old-Testament-Hell-Fire-New-Testament-Child-Hugger himself. Part of the deal was I could tape record the conversation, and He consented. So here it is, for you, a transcript of my dinner with God. ********* Date: Monday, December 19, 1994 Time: 6:43 PM Place: Lotus, a Chinese restaurant off of Brown Trail near highway 360, Bedford, Texas NEE: Ah, Mr. Jehovah I presume. GOD: What gave me away? The flowing robes or the eternal light? NEE: Shoes. I always thought you'd wear loafers. GOD: They were on sale. GOD: I'll have sweet and sour pork with a side order of rice and egg rolls. Water to drink, please. NEE: Just some sweet and sour soup. Thanks. GOD: I tell you, these places aren't like they used to be. I remember back in the old day in China. I'd occasionally spend a summer or so with a friend of mine in the Orient and we'd go to these little dives all the time. Best one was a tiny out-of- the-way shack in Hong Kong, run by some guy named Yaun. Served wonderful opium dumplings. NEE: Opium? Opium was a highly addictive drug imported by the English to make the Chinese more docile and easier to conquer and dominate. It destroyed countless lives, not to mention a nation. Because of it, the country would later go through a spiral of changing hands until the American government stepped in and carved it up among the European powers like a Thanksgiving Turkey, and you liked that? GOD: I always thought you were a dick. NEE: I always thought you were a black lesbian and active member of NOW. I guess we're both a bit let down. Perhaps you could tell me a bit about Heaven. GOD: Like? NEE: Well, is it true how the Bible described it? Streets of gold? Flocks of angels and mortal souls bowing before your throne, praising your great power and being with song and music? GOD: Oh that. No, no. Nothing at all. You see, John the Apostle, well, he was always a bit upset because in the missionary/martyr business, you really don't get a lot of chances to get creative. In reality, it's full of paperwork and public speeches and begging nation powers not to ravage the women of your religion and hurl the children to hungry lions. And then you've got to convince the people who *are* Christian not to convert back to their heathenish ways because of a few minor slaughters of faith's leaders by Romans and what-not. NEE: I can see how that would put a damper on a following. GOD: You're telling me. Anyway, when John got around to the book of Revelations, I could tell John was tired and upset. Hey, who could blame the guy? The Roman government was about to have him publicly executed for rebellion and conspiracy. So I took him aside, and said, `Look, John-John,' that's what I called him, 'John-John, you've had a bad week, so know what I'm going to do for you?' and he says to me, `Get me the fuck out of here?' and I laugh because I know he was willing to lay his life down for me. NEE: Willing to and wanting to are two different things. GOD: Hey, who's telling the story here? Me or you? As I was saying. I looks at John and go, `Even better. I'm going to let you write the last part of the Bible.' Know what he says to me? `Well whoop-de-shit, Mr. Supreme Being.' That John-John. Such a card. Well, like I says, he was a-writing away, and I think his pent-up wants to be artistic finally just popped out. He originally wanted to be a choreographer, you know. NEE: Really? GOD: Yeah, but times were tough back then and most dancers did it in the buff, and the Pharisees and Scribes usually hung their carcasses up by their genitals for the public to see. So, John-John sort of embellished the truth a bit. Very poetic, even brought a tear to my eye. NEE: So, what you're saying is John the Evangelist basically lied through his teeth about Heaven. GOD: Sort of. NEE: What's Heaven like? GOD: Pueblo. NEE: Pueblo? Like, you mean Pueblo, Colorado? GOD: Yes. A lot. But not as many trees. And a bit noisier. NEE: Uh-huh. No singing angels? GOD: Um, that's another thing. No angels. NEE: What?! GOD: They're, uh, sort of.. well.. dead. NEE: Dead? As in gone? Extinct? Fineto? Are you trying to tell me the mythical and mystical winged race which was once the entire army of the Lord God Almighty is dead? GOD: Pretty much. NEE: Oh Christ. This ought to be good. GOD: Long story. What it breaks down to is they wanted a pay raise, I check the records and it turns out not a winged one of them has done dick since a little before the French Revolution. Boy, should've nipped that in the bud. Maybe those artsy jerks wouldn't act so snooty, and - NEE: The angels. GOD: Oh. I just killed them. NEE: Well, how de-romanticizing of you. Is there anything at all in the Bible that *is* true? GOD: Mary was a virgin. NEE: Well, at least we can rest assured that the most amazing tale in the Bible is true. How did a virgin give birth - GOD: No, you misunderstand. She was a virgin, just not then. NEE: I don't like where this is going. WAITER: I'm very sorry, Sir, but you are in the "No Smoking" area. NEE: Was that necessary? GOD: I'm the Supreme One. I'll decide what's necessary. NEE: Well then. Let's see. Here's a question I'm sure many people have on their minds. How is your relationship with Satan? GOD: Hardly knew him. NEE: You've never met your greatest adversary? I don't understand. GOD: Well, kid, you gotta stop and think. A lot has changed in the past two-thousand years. I'll start from the beginning. Satan, he was Saint Lucifer back then, he wanted to break out on his own... build himself up a small empire and start a business to be proud of. Originally, he wanted to run a meat packing industry. NEE: Not very high aspirations. GOD: You're telling me. But I said, `Well, if that's what you want, go to it.' Turns out meat packing don't pay off so good after all, but the soul business did. NEE: I've always wondered what profit could be in the soul industry. What'd he do with the ones he claimed? GOD: Oh, well, it all goes back to when he got hooked up with that Sidhartha character. NEE: Buddha? GOD: Whatever. A lot of people don't realize that Nirvana state crap isn't anything more than a business. Sort of like accountants. Your payment is prayer and devotion, and for the payment you get in your next life a better soul, or so you'd think. What they really do is take a small bit of your personality, take your body, re-tune it, and take a better and stronger soul purchased from Lucifer. NEE: Let me see if I understand you correctly. You are trying to tell me the entire Buddhist heirarchy is a capitalist organization, and the Prince of Darkness is one of their stooges? GOD: Was. A few years ago, they did some budget cuts and cancelled their contract. Basically, they cut him out and now collect the souls themselves. Last I heard, Satan was the night manager in a Wal-Mart in Louisiana. NEE: On to something else. What is your feelings about the countless thousands Christianity has slaughtered in your name? GOD: I'm not sure what you are referring to. NEE: Allow me to elaborate. The Crusades. I'm sure you remember that little embarrassing incident where your people attempted to run into the Holy Land and reclaim it from the `heathen' Muslims. GOD: We all make mistakes. NEE: Yes. Hold that thought. Or how about the Spanish Inquisition? Or maybe the hundred of thousands who were burnt at the stake for witchcraft over the centuries? Remember the Joan of Ark barbecue? Nice payment for a job well done. How could you allow all these things to happen by your people and in your name? GOD: So I took a nap for a few centuries. Running all creation takes a lot out of a guy. NEE: Enough of this. On to modern issues. The United States seems to be wanting to return to its more `traditional Christian' values in hopes of restoring the nation to the greatness it once knew. This means a possible resurgence into the Church. Do you have any plans on trying to pull in new followers? GOD: Yes, actually. I've consulted with a few people in my public relations department, and we've decided it's high time I let the people know I'm still watching by sending them signs of my being. NEE: Really? In Old or New Testament style? You know, are you going to go back to the old wrathful deity schtick or revive the kind, caring tree-hugger miracle worker bit? GOD: Actually, I'd sort of planned on starting out a bit small and working my way up to miracles and such. NEE: Working your way up? GOD: Yes. NEE: Like how? GOD: Well, first thing, I plan on sending out Christmas cards. NEE: That's it? GOD: They're very nice Christmas cards. See? They're `Precious Moments'. NEE: That's it? Do these cards heal with a touch to your signature? GOD: I'm not really going to sign all of them. That would take forever. I've hired secretaries to do that. NEE: Well... great. GOD: Then I thought I'd make a few public appearances at the openings of art exhibits or appear in malls for Bible autograph sessions. NEE: As if you wrote it. GOD: I might as well have. I told what should be written. NEE: So it breaks down to this. You, the One who Made All, are going to let the people known you are back by appearing in malls and kissing ass. GOD: I was thinking more around the lines of babies. NEE: Why no big show, God? Why not heal some lepers? Cure world hunger? End the AIDS epidemic? Don't you think that would be a lot more likely to get the people's attention? GOD: I don't want to startle them. I mean, it might not be the right time to start the miracles. I need to build up a public image first. Otherwise, I'll probably just end up on Oprah. NEE: You're a fraud. GOD: Am not. GOD: Well? Are you going to pay that or what? END OF TAPE ÖÄæ ŚÄÄÄÄÖĽ ĄÄæÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄæ ³ ÓÄ· ŚÄŁ TNH BBS. [2112] WHQ. NUP: Woodstock. 817.346.3370. ³ ³ ŗ ³ SysOp: Mephistopheles CoSysOps: Delirium, Sputnik. ³ ĄÄÄÄÄ,.ŗ ³.,ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄŁ [2112] Productions, All Rights Reserved.