============================================================================
 Addendum                                      Issue# 24  -  6th april 2002
 URL: http://www.adden.tr.cx/
 Author : Steak, My only weakness
====== The Sleeping Series - Part 2 : Missing the arms of Morpheus =========

This disorder is bad, very bad.

It's hard to live with it, even harder to function correctly I wake up 
tired almost all the time that’s a statement of fact, that’s how it will stay 
for the entire day, I am Yawning and always on the edge of sleep, just 
drifting through the world, wanting to sleep but can't

When I finally get home and crash out on my bed, I make a discovery
for some reason I find it impossible to sleep now. I lie there,
on my bed, wanting, pleading to sleep and feel nothing of the day past,
I am now awake and there is nothing I can do about it, and I always
thought I had good timing.

I have recently learned in biology that it is oxygen that keeps me
awake, so this phenomenon is probably due to the walk home. I get a lot
of oxygen in my body so that is probably keeping me awake. Dam it, I
knew school couldn’t be all good. I need to work from home, then maybe 
I could get some sleep more often.

Around nine to nine thirty I start to feel tired again, and trudge over to
my bed and pull off the cover and fall into its soft rewarding warmth,
for the first time I am actually satisfied, I actually feel really good I roll 
myself up in the covers, wanting to melt into the bed, I feel so relaxed, so 
at peace... so wonderful. Comfort on every side of me, nobody to bother me 
with facts and figures, all there is now is the blissful knowledge that very
soon I will be asleep, what my body has been yearning for all day.

I sometime feel a little scared at this point, scared of the unknown. I am
unsure what perils await me in my dreams; I could meet anything from 8 foot
slobbering aliens to a gang of thugs that want to beat me up, to the enterprise
bridge to being trapped inside a computer game. It's a scary world my dreams
and they are more often unpleasant than pleasant and I feel I have a right to 
feel a little scared.

Then I feel it, it comes sweeping over my body like some kind of black tidal
wave. It sweeps me up in it's loveliness in its awesome power, it jerks me from
side to side and then back again, around and up and down in a hypnic jerk as
my mussels relax, it feels so nice, so loving, so forgiving I feel myself
getting pulled back, I can almost feel the theta waves mixing with the alpha
waves. Deeper and deeper I go until all of the alpha waves have dissipated
and the long awaited theta waves take over. At this point I are finally
asleep.

That was a blissful time, a beautiful time, the crucial ten or twenty minuets
that come before sleep. it is truly a shame that it only lasts a short time.
If only it would last longer, if only I could feel that feeling over and over
again for hours at a time, that really would be absolute heaven, that would 
be my Elysian fields at the end of my life, to feel that over and over again 
for the rest of my eternity, maybe I'll get really lucky and find out that that 
is what death is like when it is my time to pass on from this world.

The sleep feels good, very good almost like total bliss. I don't even know its
there most of the time, it's all just relative to my waking life, the dreams
seem like another reality, something else that is unexplainable. No body knows
why we dream, we just do. Is it to solve problems? is it a message from the
gods? is it our unconscious desires? is it all the things that we didn't have
time to take in during our waking lives? I like to think that it's there
because we like to remember what has happened in the day as we sleep,
going over things that we have thought about in recent times, maybe my 
sub-conscious mind gets bored so it goes back over the fresh memories to see if it 
can't find something interesting to watch, the same way we flick through our 
movie collection to find something to pass the time by. Sometimes we pick a bad 
one some times we pick a good one.

All too soon though I get woken up by that dreadful buzzing alarm clock.
You know the type, the ones that come with the digital face, first it clicks
and you know what’s going to happen next and then that sound, the buzzing on off
on off, it’s almost painful....

eight o’clock in the morning, god wouldn't be up this early, I'm still tired
but that's normal. I get up and get on with the days work. First task, put the
kettle on for a cupper

I would love to be able to experience being asleep because I feel that I would
get a lot more happiness from it if I could have some involvement with it, I 
know that sometimes I have a sense of time of sorts while I sleep, I know that one
dream came before another and when I wake up I can feel that one dream seems
kind of old while the another will seem very recent.

This I think is rather normal as I have different dreams, and they are
ever changing and I seem to be able to realize the time difference between one
and another.

I really am not just a lazy bum, please try to understand that. It's so
much more than that. It's almost hard to explain, I hope I have gone some
way to enlightening you with this part of the sleeping series

============================================================================
 Addendum                                      Issue# 24  -  6th april 2002
 (C) Steak April 2002
============================================================================