CONTROLLING THE UNSTABLE
by Amerikan Junkie
015

  Controlling the Unstable.


  Anxiety is a bitch. It really is. I try, and try to keep it under
control, but all the xanax in the world couldnt help. Anxiety will
do with you what it will.
  
  My attacks started last night after I finished purging on cam [Im
the first for that I believe]. I took ONE xanax. It didnt help. I took
celebex. ..Didnt work either. I took another BuSpar.... ahh relief. 
Till I tried to get to sleep, and couldnt till around 2:00 am CST.

 My point is, no matter how hard you try, there it shall be as bad
as you make it out too be. Which subconciously can be a bitch to 
control. Trying to tell yourself its not as bad as it seems, when
you know it is. 

 This past week I had been abusing my Xanax, not at its moment of need, 
I had none. Karma can play a number on you too, if you couldnt tell by
my luck yet. So how do you control something so unstable? So unpredictable?

 For this answer I do not search at all, cause it is around me, everywhere.

 "What the f*%$ are you talking about?", you question as you look around...


" *XCV*
 NO ONE can see his reflection in running water, 
 but only in still water. Onle that which is itself
 still can bring stillness to all who seek after stillness."

This quote comes from the philosophys of Taoism... or "The Way".
The way of letting things come, and letting them go.
The way of Un-being.

" *LXXXIII*
 TO BE without tranquillity and contentment is to lack
 virtue. Without virtue no man on earth can survive for
 long."

I have gotten away from my contentment, and tranquillity.
I spend numerous amounts of time worrying, instead of praying
once and letting them go. I have forgotten this. But unless
caught up in these matters, I wouldnt have been reminded of this,
thus I am thankful.

" *LXXXIV*
 Not to be entangled in worldly affairs, not to
 make a show of material things, not be foward with
 indaviduals, nor aggressive in a crowd, desiring peace
 for all the world so as to preserve the life of the people
 and nourish others as oneself, and when this is accomplished
 to be content, so manifesting purity of the heart...."

"...Not to be entangled in worldly affairs..." - This statement
rings in my head. How often do we get entangled in worldly affairs?
Not just once a day, but 1000 times a day, each of us. We fret over
bullshit, and waste good energy trying fix things, and fuck things.

Though recognizing, that getting stuck in worldly affairs is also part
of Taoism, the positive part of it, is trying to forget about the 
worldly aspect. The worldly aspect is part of my anxiety problems. I
am engulfed everyday by this world. The news, work, even home, and 
relationship matters. 

It is said:

A wise man knows others.
A clear-minded man knows himself.
A strong man masters others.
A truely powerful man masters himself.


This is what I am after... I have no desire for it, I WILL obtain it, 
then, I shall rest in peace the whole of my life....


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|| (c)2000 amerikanjunkie  You cannot control the unstable  !017!
                           and it would only be foolish to attempt
                           too. Let it come, and watch it go.
#EOF