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          A               "Eternal Autumn"             aNAda #10   A
        A                                                            A
     A                        by Effy                  02/08/00         A
 A                                                                          A
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 I.

 The sun is sneering, sniveling through the clouds now;
 Silent but despotic, it hovers;
 There are times when I feel this way about you.
 Yes, there are many times.
 
 It is not enough however
 To squeeze everything we have into a ball
 And throw it away;
 But I am ill at ease
 With your self-proclaimed sagacity;
 With the wise ones I adore came humility also.
 Where is the humbleness the sun has
 For my knowledge of its ways?
 
 But like some omniscient frontal pseudo-sage
 There is no appreciation
 For my time and studies;
 Everything acquired and worked for
 Is pushed aside,
 Almost as if I'd prepared a dessert
 You do not wish to eat.
 
 Am I just supposed to be reticent and appreciative
 As you wow unknowing bystanders?
 Yes love;
 I am the silent, brooding, dark princess
 You dreamed of
 But I can no longer be silent;
 I brood for a reason--
 Many reasons;
 You being one of them.
 Your ways are freakishly being,
 Becoming,
 Turning opposite of the season;
 Old, dead, cold.
 
 Is it from lines of truth
 Or is independence infuriating to control?
 Can it be concluded
 That this is just something to learn from?
 Yet I do love you
 In a way that may be inalienable,
 With time.
 Unwishing to trample on your heart,
 Though mine is blackened around the edges.
 I don't wish to dream anymore if what I want
 Is never going to come.
 
 Drawn to that which is lurid
 Accept a lonely destiny
 Prefer to be alone
 Walking among dried leaves
 In an Eternal Autumn;
 But I fear this not happening.
 
 Yes, I have spoken.
 I fear the inevitable--
 Not death
 Sickness
 Or Depression.
 I fear love,
 Your love,
 My love.
 

 II.

 He came at a time
 When I felt you slip through my fingers.
 
 Now I am what I've always despised.
 
 (These are just thoughts.)
 

 III.

 Winter almost seems to be
 Regressing back to Autumn
 As are these broken memories--
 Dreams that haunt my nights--
 
 As they return in flocks
 The weather grows milder;
 The moon grows heavier;
 And I wish I could share these
 Days in reverence with you
 Substitutes with no additives
 Grip my feet, yanking--
 Now I'm standing still.

 This is the castle of shattered dreams;
 They love me so much;
 They won't let me in;
 To my savior--
 The prince with no face
 Beckons silently.
 As they hold me in their arms--
 Let us hide in the tower.
 If you were real--
 I would grow cruel I fear--
 And slay these wondrous beasts.
 Therein lies the oppression
 Of Royalty.
 
 This could be my ruin:
 To be the ruin of another
 But since he's disappeared--
 Only a short while--
 Since he realized his mistake--
 He has stolen my sleep
 And knows not how to give it back.
 
 If I could paint a picture--
 A portrait of dying leaves
 I would walk among musty gravestones
 Searching for his or yours
 Rising to meet the dead
 Rain falling in my disenchanted eyes
 Everything perfect
 I've lost him--
 I've found him.
 The essence of all I want to live for
 But like the existence and proof of time,
 That will never be.
 
 No, it will never be
 I shall wander in Eternity
 Endless questions
 No answers
 Never becoming, never to be--
 Flowing with the hands
 I will wander, hand in hand
 With Eternity.

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 {  (c)2000 aNAda e'zine *                            * aNAda010 * by Effy  }
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