* * * * * * * * A A N N A A D D A A A A N N N A A D D A A A A N N N A A D D A A A *** A N N A *** A D D A *** A A A N N A A D D A A A ****************************** A A "The Death of a Marriage" aNAda #23 A A A A by Nana 03/09/00 A A A ******************************************************************** My marriage is dying. Or maybe I should tell the truth and say it's already dead, it's just taken me a long while to recognize the corpse for what it is. I feel like such a failure. I had grown up believing in "until death do you part" and that if I tried hard enough that I could make it work. And believe me, I tried. I tried for years past the point where anyone else would have called it quits. I blindly held on to the hope that tomorrow would be different, that with hard work and cheerful stubbornness I could outlast the bad times and make everything better. I lived through drug addictions and alcohol abuse, poverty and unemployment. I suffered silently (and sometimes not so silently) through bullying and mental abuse, all the while thinking that someday this would run its course, that things would get better, that I just hadn't come across the magic cure yet, but firmly believing that with enough love and patient understanding that I could fix everything and make it all better. How arrogant of me to think I was that powerful, that I could single- handedly save this marriage between two people all by myself. I hopefully believed the promises of "I can change" and of the ones that started with "I really mean it this time". I turned a deaf ear to all the lies and pretended for months at a time that everything was OK, blindly refusing to see the truth staring me in the face. I accepted without complaint (most of the time) the realization that I had be the responsible one, that my families financial and emotional support rested solely upon my shoulders. I ignored what this marriage with doing to me and the example being set for my daughters, firmly believing I didn't have the right to deprive my daughters of their father, not seeing that he was already depriving them of a father by his actions. And still believing in that fairy tale that someday we would live happily ever after. One day I looked across the room and realized I could not picture forever with this man, that whatever we once had in common (I can't remember it now, but there must have been something once) was gone and the only thing we had in common was these beautiful children. I knew then that forever wasn't going to happen, but still believed I could hold things together until the kids were grown. So I gave in, followed his wishes and did whatever he wanted in order to keep the peace. I began to dream of the future when I could finally be free, still giving up the present in hopes of someday. Just recently I discovered that not only was my marriage dying, but I was dying inside also. The years of giving in and being agreeable to keep the peace were taking their toll on my soul, my spirit, my strength. I was becoming a shadow of the person I used to be and realized if I didn't make a change soon, I would no longer have the strength and determination to make a change or to live with it. So I finally mentioned that "D" word, knowing that if I didn't act soon, I would be lost forever. He, of course, was completely shocked, having mistaken my silence of the last few years for contentment. He ranted and raved, which intensifed my resolve. Then he begged and cried, which tore my heart apart. I tried my best to stand firm, resisting the urge to comfort this man with whom I had shared so much of my life, knowing that if I gave in to my desire to console him, I would be trapped forever. All the while, I was silently berating myself for being such a cold, heartless bitch who could cause so much pain and suffering. I don't know how it ends, I haven't gotten there yet. But I do know there's no turning back now, that once the rotting corpse of my marriage was exposed to the light of day, it became impossible to deny it for what it was. Pretending that everything is okay, that this marriage can be saved, is no longer possible. It's time for the funeral now, to put what is long dead finally to rest. Time to begin the grieving period, to accept that sometimes death is unavoidable, that life will go on and that hopefully I can come out of this with my soul, myself, while deeply scarred, still intact. Time to realize that although I couldn't prevent or deny this death, that I have saved myself, that I will survive to live and laugh again someday and perhaps someday to love and be happy at long last. {**************************************************************************} { (c)2000 aNAda e'zine * * aNAda023 * by Nana } **************************************************************************