. . a n a d a 1 1 9 1 0 - 0 8 - 0 0 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "This Is About You... What Else Is New?" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . by AphexTwin23 . . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Hmm... yes well... now to dish out one of my several problems to no one that cares. I figure... hey... my friends have heard me ramble on about nothing enough times that maybe I should just write it down here. I mean, although no one that reads this is going to give a fuck, at least I can have the pure entertainment of polluting their minds with my filth. Muhahahahaha. At any rate. This person shall rename nameless because he or she pretty much is in your eyes. Shall we just name this person SHE? Yes. SHE falls deeper into a depression, confused as to why this guy won't love HER anymore. SHE wants to die and leaves me to go get professional help in a closed in hospital facility. Fun. SHE's my best friend and I fall silently into depression with HER because SHE means more to me than I mean to myself. If that makes sense. So SHE shows up at school a week later, finally, and I am so happy to see HER but then SHE tells me she's moving away in less than 3 hours. This is where I fall apart. I deteriorate right into the ground, right there in front of HER, in front of everyone. The tears fall down my face as if an ocean is flowing out of my eyes. I am so confused... I don't know what to do. SHE is everything to me. SHE always has been. We've gone through everything together... so why can't we just go through life together too? And so I leave school... I can't handle being there. Being watched by so many uninterested yet curious people. I go to HER home. I sit there on HER bed watching HER pack her whole life into boxes... packing a part of me to ship away to another life. To a new life. A new beginning yet a new end. SHE tells me not to worry, that'll all be ok, that I still have everyone else. But I soon find that this isn't true. And with this SHE leaves. This leaves me with about 4 more months of tortorous hell. And it becomes worse because I am now alone. I know realize what's been going on my whole life. I begin to see how blind I was not to notice who every one really is. Who they've always been. I begin to find out the truth. In more ways than one. I even come to see HER as being a different person than what I thought. I begin to come out of my narrow scope of reality. I am in a cloud of stupor for about a month after SHE leaves me. I walk around in a daze not caring about anything. Not even HER. I think I've reached rock bottom. I go to a supposed therapist. I tell her how close I am to losing it... and this is what she tells me. "It's just a phase that all teenagers go through". Yeah right that's FUCKING IT! I now see how horrible and stupid and fucking ignorant people really are. Therapist my ass. Fucking bitch. I am my own therapist from now on. It's quite humorous. I diagnose myself as being antisocial and bipolar. I take other's prescriptions. yay. I fall into a pointless relationship. Probably just to be comforted. I don't feel much for him, except a strong friendship. Or so I thought. All good things must come to an end. And so it did. And now he doesn't like me either. My grades go downhill. I become obsessed with nothing other than doing drugs. Oh... this is my last joint. This is a special occasion. I won't do it again, I promise. This shit'll kill me. Oh I didn't mean that, it was the drugs... Yes I've said it all... and now look at me... I'm a 15 year old running my car off this cliff into addiction. I go to meetings now. I begin to realize I don't have any real friends. They only wanted to be with HER not me. Oh no... it's never been about me. It's always been about HER. SHE was always the important one... important to HERself and important to everyone around HER. Never me, though. I was nonexistent... just her bitch. Just her tagalong. Fuck that. I see who SHE's really been all along. Conceited, Narrowmindind, Immature, Attention Striving, Sarcastic, Stubborn, Non Respectful, little BIT... wait a minute... this is your "best" friend you're talking about. Why am I thinking this? Yes... HER unexpected move taught me many things in life. Mostly bad and mostly good. Oh I hate myself now because SHE doesn't care anymore. SHE has her own friends, HER own support, HER own life. I'm just part of HER past. I think I'll cry myself to sleep now. Yay. Summer comes. SHE's moving back. !!!??? Should I be happy or not? I don't know. I don't know anymore. I found my own friends too... see... I'm not a loser anymore!!!! Haha. Look at me... Now I'm the important one and you're left alone. I'm such a fucking bitch!!!! And now we come to today. Me and HER have now remembered what old times used to be like. So it's all cool. Except I see Reality. And I hold my thoughts to myself now because SHE takes them the wrong way and would never understand. All my friends, once again, have abandoned me. Why, I ask myself, are friends such an important role in my life? Because I have a Fear of being alone again. I know what it's like... I've been in the dark most of my life... I don't want to live through hell again. And so I meet a great person. HE talks to me. HE listens. HE seems to care. Hey fuck... HE even respects me, understands me, and hasn't used me yet. Hasn't slapped me across the face and told me to go fuck myself. Ahh... HE better not turn out to be an asshole too. HE's a good person, makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me feel whole. HE helps me come out of my corner and open up, HE's a lot of fun, I feel like a good person when I'm with HIM. I feel as though someone cares. I feel there's at least one person out there. HE's everything I look for in a person. HE's a good friend. And oh no... HE's probably going to read this. So let it happen. Ah yes... sounds like I want something more doesn't it? That's what it sounds like to everyone. Well no... I don't think so. Not now... not now. I don't want to allow myself to like anyone already. No... relationships, friendships, people... they fuck you up too much. Mentally. No... I'm happy with the way things are. I'm sick of writing, ranting, being me. . . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . anada 119 by AphexTwin23 (c)2000 anada e'zine . . . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .