Ć*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*Ć * __ __ * + _____ ____ ____ ______/ |_____ ____ ___ ______/ |___________ + * \__ \/ \ / __ \/ ___\ __\ \ _ \/ \/ ___\ __/__ \_ __ \ * + / __ \_ | \ /_/ >\__ \| | Y Y \<_> ) | \__ \| |\ ___/| | \/ + * (____ /_| /___ /____ >|__|__|_| /___/__| /___ >|__| \__ \|__| * + \/ \/____/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ + * 12.30.02 angstmonster issue 17 * Ć*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*Ć Ąedited (poorly) by girĄ there is a difference between youth and consumer whoredom consumer whoredom is only PART of being the youth! ANGSTMONSTER: PACKAGING YOUTHS INTO NICE NEAT CONSUMER WHORE SHAPED BOXES §+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ĄcontentsĄ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§ + + + Brief Words from gir + + gir GOOGLE LIES TO LITTLE CHILDREN! rig + + zhixel I HATE TEXAS OR I LOVE TEXAS lexihz + + ALL BIGGEST DOUCHE OF 2002! LLA + + ch33z-1t THE END t1-z33hc + + + §+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ĄcontentsĄ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§ _ _ __ _ | |__ _ __(_) ___ / _| __ _____ _ __ __| |___ | '_ \| '__| |/ _ \ |_ \ \ /\ / / _ \| '__/ _` / __| | |_) | | | | __/ _| \ V V / (_) | | | (_| \__ \ |_.__/|_| |_|\___|_| \_/\_/ \___/|_| \__,_|___/ __ _ / _|_ __ ___ _ __ ___ __ _(_)_ __ | |_| '__/ _ \| '_ ` _ \ / _` | | '__| | _| | | (_) | | | | | | | (_| | | | |_| |_| \___/|_| |_| |_| \__, |_|_| |___/ Let me just say that I think that our last release (the sock puppet issue) will probably be our most successful release ever. Thus it shall be written amongst these lines of text that the sock puppet issue shall stand tall and rule over the kingdom of angstmonster! That no one in their right or wrong minds will ever be able to thwart a bunch of ascii generated sock puppets from the throne in this glorious kingdom of angst, text, art, and lack of explanation. All the same, we're pressing on. First I have to explain something to you. Ever since oregano passed on, life's been rough at angstmonster headquarters. No one's felt like doing anything at all. Our spirits were broken and there was nothing that could lift them until.... SOUTH PARK. You see, the most hardcore of hardcore and dedicated members of the inner circle of angstmonster writers are South Park fans. In fact, it's the only reason we can ever pretend we are funny. We steal all of our best jokes from archived episodes of South Park. Go ahead, watch some episodes and you'll understand. But anyways, it was a Wednesday night and I was doing what I do best, moping around in front of the computer when a thousand messages attacked me. Ch33z-1t, the rascal, was reminding me that a new episode of South Park was going to be on and as ch33z-1t knew, I was very upset about about oregano's recent departure. He knew this episode would cheer me up. Not on the did the episode cheer me up, it gave me a fantastic idea. You see the episode was entitled the "BIGGEST DOUCHE IN THE UNIVERSE" (So actually I got a couple of really good ideas from the episode)i But the long skinny of it this, the South Park boys go to see John Edward's show "Crossing Over" in hopes that Jon Edward can communicate with Kenny who is trapped in Cartman's body after Cartman drank his ashes thinking they were chocolate milk mix. (If you haven't watched South Park in a long time, you should probably consider doing so. It's one of the only shows worth watch on tv) Anyways, I got this idea that maybe I could talk to oregano if I could find someone who talked to the dead. Of course, I'm not close friends with Jon Edwards or any other psychics so I sought the next best thing: ASCII BAT! "Hey ASCII BAT! I need a favor." "No. I'm still mad at you for that sock puppet prank you pulled on me." "Look, I'm sorry you bit your hand. Had I known you were going to try and eat sock puppet brains, I would've made some just for you. But you didn't tell me that, now did you?" "I couldn't. It was a surprise, just for you." "If you help me, I'll make you the bestest sock puppet brains you've ever had." "REALLY!?!" "Yup." "So what do you need." "I need to talk to the dead but I don't need how to." "What makes you think I know how?" "You're a zombie." "So?" "Oh I get it, you're mad at me because I'm confusing you, and UNDEAD zombie, with someone who's most definitely dead. It's not like that at all. I figured if you were undead that you'd be a link between the living and the dead. So I need you to talk to oregano for me." For a second ASCII BAT just looked at me dumbfounded. Maybe he wasn't as good a speaker for the dead as I thought he would be. "Gir..." "Look, I wouldn't be asking you to do this unless it were really important and it is. If I can't get in contact with oregano, I think this might be the last issue of angstmonster ever!" There was a dramatic pause here. It hung over both of us. Angstmonster had only been around for the latter half of 2002 and it was just now picking up. But what I said rang true. Oregano was one of the many potent forces behind angstmonster and it'd be hard to go on without him. I don't mean to beat a dead horse (unless of course it yields glue) but since his demise, not even the success of the sock puppet issue could excite the writers of angstmonster to produce anything. It was in the silent monologue to myself I realized I should be telling these things to ASCII BAT. "Oregano..." "ALRIGHT! I'll see what I can do." Since that day, I hadn't heard anything from ASCII BAT. I think he's avoiding me because he hasn't heard anything from oregano. And until he does, this will be THE LAST ISSUE OF ANGSTMONSTER EVER! I'm sorry to do this, but it's not really angstmonster if oregano isn't around to share in the fun. This last issue of angstmonster ever is dedicated to oregano and the biggest douche of 2002. Read on... _ _ _ _ __ _ ___ ___ __ _| | ___ | (_) ___ ___ | |_ ___ / _` |/ _ \ / _ \ / _` | |/ _ \ | | |/ _ \/ __| | __/ _ \ | (_| | (_) | (_) | (_| | | __/ | | | __/\__ \ | || (_) | \__, |\___/ \___/ \__, |_|\___| |_|_|\___||___/ \__\___/ |___/ |___/ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ | (_) |_| |_| | ___ ___| |__ (_) | __| |_ __ ___ _ __ | | | __| __| |/ _ \ / __| '_ \| | |/ _` | '__/ _ \ '_ \ | | | |_| |_| | __/ | (__| | | | | | (_| | | | __/ | | | |_|_|\__|\__|_|\___| \___|_| |_|_|_|\__,_|_| \___|_| |_| It's true. Well, maybe not 100% true, but it seems like most of the time when you search for something on google, you don't always get what you wanted. To take a second from tfile excitement and soap box all about how when one searches for things on the internet, it's easier to buy what you want than find information on it. Yeah, that really sucks. However, that doesn't happen with us. (That is, when you're seeking out tfiles) In fact, only two people (according to our httpd logs) was actually looking for angstmonster. So anyways, here's a long list of all the search terms followed by a nice, neat breakdown. (Note: this is since angstmonster began in late July of 2002) gir@interzone:~$ cat google_ref PJ Ladd's Wonderful Horrible Life sniffing wifi traffic pj ladd sniffing wifi wardriving linksys toll houses chocolate chocolate chip cookie recipe unfiltered menthol cigarettes intentional misspellings email Are Menthol Cigarettes worse than regulars WIFI, sniffing how to write slogans quotes digging in with long fingernails scratching long string of mucus pulled from nose Fruity Loops Beat Making Tutorial P.J Ladd smallest barcode reader wifi sniff eels electroshcok blues wifi sniffing top ten albums of the 90's big floppy dick fucking text art xxxx porn oo snap brain teaser "square meals" pj ladd wifi sniffing P.J. Ladd skateboarding P.J Ladd's Wonderful, Horrible Life wifi sniffing happy birthday text art fruity loops heavy metal drum patterns Electroshock Blues sorry I took the money sounds wifi sniffing wifi sniffing happy birthday text art Angstmonster.org girl Hello Shitty Stickers spoof paysites fruity drum tutorial maddox crappy artwork pictures of toothless people masturbation pictures wifi sniff course notes on creating drums beats using fruity loops existential angst-monster fruity loop sounds odd looking mailboxes Hocico hocico angstmonster stromkernn revies concert wifi sniff wifi sniff football statisticks PJ Ladd crappy kids artwork maddox P.J. Ladd's wonderful horrible life's lyrics hot pocket slogans i'm cumming pj ladd neat stickers Of all the ____ in all the towns in all the world, she had to walk into mine pj ladd video how to do I do something in ALA format yaggi cheese house Mr. Maddox hate mail oxox porn text art porn girl cumming skateboarding in richmond va neat stickers anarchy recipes download rental bondage movie madison store doubled stuffed Oreos compared to regular Oreos new port south design learn about masturbation stromkern pukka and her good friend there's something in the way you look tonight takes my breath away lyrics sifl and olly free sounds PJ Ladd selling oregano to middle school kids maddox hatemail xxxx porn wifi yaggi lyrics eels electroshock blues chopstix Word tool hindi music nodes for learning piano final fantasy text art smurfs drugs clip wifi sniffing psychoanalysis of the Maxx lifespan of average tv sitcom porn beat song download www.pukka smoking vnv nation scorched earth wifi sniffing starfucks logo wifi sniffing stan masturbation south park writing hi hat patterns in fruity loops city spotting pj ladd Pukka Pukka Squeetily Boink pj ladd talent starfucks logo Last Nights Ring Around the moon why smoking is cool wifi sniffing hot pockets burned my 16 note techno tutorial they held her exploded clip funny any gir hot tfiles yaggi wardriving new port south artwork pukka pukka squeetily boink maddox crappy child artwork dungeon sex screen name Kid pissing on ford femminist movement fuck with horses movie for free masturbation wifi sniffing statisticks black people 40 days and 40 nights xvid problems tcpdump wifi My windows media player says needs xvid codec Gucci DO RAG starbucks logo meaning wifi sniffing penis injuries in the Vietnam War one armed ninja pj ladd sucks sniff for wifi wifi sniff gir taco sounds skateboarding subculture norms i kinda wish i had a mission on my plate music advert drink drive fun asshole Dragonball z uncut pictures spoof paysites ALA format writing style masturbation with other guys starfucks logo fruity loops change note tutorial starbucks logo fuck angstmonster quartknee toothless grins pictures elton john what does love mean Fruity loops formulas creating drum and base tutorial your kids artwork sucks maddox gorillas and chimpanzees wifi Sniffing my animations warning sex what people eat in Zimbobwe cell orange jumpsuit women smoking live clip movie dealing with stuck up and snotty people and jerks gir taco pictures Sensitivity, D Minor LYRICS Once Upon a Mattress wifi sniffing le tigre deception lyrics gir cookies doom Elton John "They know not if it's dark outside or light" wifi sniffing wifi linksys sniff VietNam veterans Motorcycle Club elf rape dual headphones laptop wardriving christmas lights le tigre lyrics deception steven schneider aikido dizzy after masturbation Starbucks Logo explination smoking pukka shut up and reboot OK, SO YOU'VE SEEN THIS LIST AND IT'S PRETTY FUNNY ON IT'S OWN. IF YOU WANNA BE BORED, GO AHEAD AND KEEP READING. OTHERWISE JUST SKIP ONTO THE OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION, THE BIGGEST DOUCHE OF 2002! gir@interzone:~$ wc -l google_ref 182 google_ref 29 of which are some form of "wifi sniffing." This is a result of the file "Sniffing People's WiFi Traffic" found in am01.txt which is a spoof of a Dead Kennedys' song "Stealing People's Mail" 14 of which are some form of "PJ Ladd." His landmark skateboarding video "PJ Ladd's Wonderful, Horrible Life" is responsible for the start of angstmonster. (If you haven't seen this video yet, seek out a copy and watch it. Or any skate video for that matter. Skate videos are just fun to watch.) Under this search, there was one instance of someone searching for the lyrics for "PJ Ladd's Wonderful, Horrible Life" and a search for "pj ladd sucks" and "pj ladd talent" A sorta related search for skateboarding turned up a search for skateboarding in Richmond,Va and a request for "skateboarding subculture norms" I find the second one amusing. Maybe someone was doing a college Anthropology paper on the nomadic habits of skateboarders? 10 of which were some form of "Fruity Loops" or searches on howto's for making beats. This is thanks to the file in issue 5 where I attempted to give lessons on beatmaking and got lazy at the last second. The two interesting unique searches out of this bunch are "course notes on creating drums beats using fruity loops" (Suggesting that somewhere there's a class on how to make drum beats. Which sounds almost kind of cool) and "creating drum and base tutorial" (This person should be shot. Either they were cracked out on E and just forgot how to spell "bass" or really have no clue what's going on. I suppose when you spell it "dnb" all the time you forget) There's actually an overlap here with porn as someone searched for "porn beat song download" Maybe there's a really cool bootleg of beatniks having sex that I haven't heard yet. If anyone reading this has it, that'd be cool. OR MAYBE, someone thought it'd be cool to put sex sounds in their hip new dancefloor 4 on the floor track they made in ACID! 6 of which involved masturbation. I'm not really sure if anyone has ever specifically written about masturbation under the angstmonster flag, but a lot of the times, what we write seems like mental masturbation. However, "stan masturbation south park" or "masturbation with other guys" HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANGSTMONSTER! SURE, WE MAY BE AN EZINE OF MADE UP OF MOSTLY MALES WHO ARE FANS OF SOUTH PARK BUT DON'T PUSH YOUR WEIRD ASS PAPER MACHE CARTOON FETISH SHIT ON US! Of course, the funniest search concerning masturbation was "dizzy after masturbation" because you know someone looked that up right after they were done, blowing their load and got worried that maybe they were doing something wrong. IT WAS A CURSE PLACED ON YOUR BY ANGSTMONSTER, THAT'S WHAT! 5 of which contained "porn." It's not surprising to find someone searching for porn on the internet, that's why the internet was made after all. In fact there weren't any really interesting searches concerning porn directly. However, thanks to the special sub issue of The Glue Factory in issue 13, we got a linked to someone searching for "fuck with horses movie for free" 5 of which were a reference to "maddox" who runs "The Best Page in The Universe" (http://maddox.xmission.com) 4 of these links are from people looking for his article on "Crappy Children's Art Work" and 1 hit coming from someone looking for "maddox hatemail" I think it's great that we stole 5 hits from The Best Page in The Universe. It's an amazingly great page and everyone should visit it. (especially if they've already visited us) The funny thing about this is that I mentioned maddox in issue 10 as a character in this really crappy movie "New Port South" Speaking of which, "New Port South" gave us 2 hits. Both of which concern the artwork and design in the movie. (Remember, both of those were the only good thing about the movie because the director was a title director!) 4 of which contained "pukka" This is thanks to the Muffin Man who wrote a transcription of a Fraggle Rock song for the HAPPY BIRTHDAY ISSUE OF DOOM! (issue 8 for those of you keeping track) Only one of the searches seemed related to the song itself. The other's involved "smoking pukka" 4 of which contained "gir" You know, the cartoon which I so gracefully stole my nick from. Anyways, two searches for "gir taco" and then of course, one of the coolest things ever... "gir cookies doom" If I could have my way, life would be me, cookies, and doom. After the < 4 drop off, there aren't too many interesting searches. (Except for the hits we got from people searching for "toothless people pictures" So instead here's an annotated list of all the really unique and funny hits we got. toll houses chocolate chocolate chip cookie recipe issue 1 contained the recipe for the bestest homemade cookies ever! intentional misspellings email we've never gotten any email, ever. someone should email us. digging in with long fingernails scratching i have no idea what this means or why it pointed to us long string of mucus pulled from nose ch33z-1t wrote something about being a fingernail. It mentioned mucus. This seems likes it's ch33z-1t material anyways. (am08.txt) smallest barcode reader tildaq wrote something about a crazy tiny barcode reader. (am09.txt) top ten albums of the 90's gir's rants about really good music. (am03.txt) big floppy dick This is a really funny phrase. It makes me wonder what someone intended to find looking for this. The AM source is a rant gir wrote about scenes. (am00.txt) fucking text art WE'RE ALL ABOUT THE FUCKING TEXT ART (but sadly, have yet to draw text art of fucking) brain teaser "square meals" It's probably some indie rock band. But a brain teaser about square meals would be fun too. sorry I took the money sounds STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE MONEY! existential angst-monster It's like an existential vagina with teeth. gir's guide to naming stuff. (am10.txt) odd looking mailboxes Again, no idea. football statisticks tildaq spelled statistics like that once in one of his files (am10.txt) i'm cumming i'm not. "Last Resort" spoof. (am05.txt) Of all the ____ in all the towns in all the world, she had to walk into mine This sounds like it'd make a good tfile title. yaggi cheese house Yaggi as in wifi equipment? I dunno, never had a cheese house (am01.txt) anarchy recipes download Who else thinks it'd be fun to have a cookbook (for food) made by the same people who wrote the anarchist cookbook tfiles? Do you think their food recipes would taste really bad? rental bondage movie madison store Wherever madison is, I bet it has a cool bondage store. doubled stuffed Oreos compared to regular Oreos THEY'RE WAY BETTER BECAUSE YOU CAN MAKE QUADROOPAL STUFFED OREOS WITH THEM! selling oregano to middle school kids This might be a future tfile. It starts off with someone trying to pawn our beloved oregano to middle school kids. Wait on the edge of your seats for the OREGANO TRIBUTE ISSUE! chopstix Word tool Who uses word anymore? smurfs drugs clip tildaq's file. (am10.txt) psychoanalysis of the Maxx I sat down and watched all the maxx episodes back to back. It put me in a weird mood. (am09.txt) lifespan of average tv sitcom WE THINK IT SHOULD BE A LOT LONGER THAN IT IS! vnv nation scorched earth VNV Nation is the best band ever. city spotting THERE'S ONE! OVER THERE! CAN YOU SEE IT? Last Nights Ring Around the moon another cool title for a file (am01.txt) why smoking is cool the name of one of mr. jay's files (am09.txt) 16 note techno tutorial Fruity Loops tutorial (am05.txt) they held her a really surreal and depressing tfile title? exploded clip funny HAHA NO IT WASN'T tfiles ROCK SO FUCKING MUCH! dungeon sex screen name "Dungeon Master's Guide" was a name for a band/project mentioned in the "gir's guide to naming stuff" file (am10.txt) Kid pissing on ford YOU MEAN CALVIN!? feminist movement Another link as a result from the "gir's guide to naming stuff" file. It amuses me to no end that someone actual got linked to us for searching for feminist movement. (am10.txt) statisticks black people This is all tildaq (am10.txt) Gucci DO RAG IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE HARDCORE THUGGIN, YOU NEED THE FINEST FABRIC DO RAGS IMPORTATED FROM WHEREVER GUCCI COMES FROM! penis injuries in the Vietnam War You know, if those journalists had reported on this, that war woulda ended a whole lot sooner. one armed ninja TRAINED BY THE FINEST: NINJA STRIKE FORCE! (amspr5.txt) i kinda wish i had a mission on my plate music tfile title. no doubt. advert drink drive fun asshole Engrish? Dragonball z uncut pictures Sadly, we've never drawn any DBZ ASCII art either. quartknee Estell's friend. FROM THE SUB ISSUE OF THE GLUE FACTORY! (am13.txt) gorillas and chimpanzees HAVE SEX IN PUBLIC! my animations warning sex More engrish. what people eat in Zimbobwe ch33z-1t knows "Zimbobwe has many problems" (am13.txt) cell orange jumpsuit women smoking mmmm smoking fetishes... dealing with stuck up and snotty people and jerks THIS SHOULD BE A HOWTO ON DEALING WITH PEOPLE IN YOUR "SCENE" Sensitivity, D Minor LYRICS Once Upon a Mattress My high school drama group or chorus or something performed this one year. VietNam veterans Motorcycle Club The guys who own the land where playa del fuego is held. Also known as the VNV Motorcycle Club. I was too intimidated by them the whole weekend to tell them that they shared an acronym with one of the coolest bands ever. (am11.txt) elf rape Well naturally, a fanboy would have to rape an elf. He wouldn't be getting someone like Arwen with HIS good looks, now would he? (Proof that we used to number issue in german) (elf.txt/am11.txt) dual headphones laptop Not sure what that's supposed to mean. steven schneider aikido Mr. Jay's first rant about movies, focusing on Steven Segal. (am16.txt) shut up and reboot A clip from a cutup gir tired to make, but fell short. (am04.txt) SO YEAH... THERE IT IS! SOMETHING THAT'S BEEN LAID ON REALLY THICK IN ORDER TO MAKE YOU FORGET THAT OUR LIST OF BIGGEST DOUCHES OF 2002 REALL LACKS. TO KEEP WITH THAT THEME, READ THIS FILE BY ZHIXEL! _ _ _ _ (_) | |__ __ _| |_ ___ | |_ _____ ____ _ ___ | | | '_ \ / _` | __/ _ \ | __/ _ \ \/ / _` / __| | | | | | | (_| | || __/ | || __/> < (_| \__ \ |_| |_| |_|\__,_|\__\___| \__\___/_/\_\__,_|___/ ___ ____ / _ \| _ \ | | | | |_) | | |_| | _ < \___/|_| \_\ _ _ _ (_) | | _____ _____ | |_ _____ ____ _ ___ | | | |/ _ \ \ / / _ \ | __/ _ \ \/ / _` / __| | | | | (_) \ V / __/ | || __/> < (_| \__ \ |_| |_|\___/ \_/ \___| \__\___/_/\_\__,_|___/ (by zhixel) ''I'm going out with this year.'' Random thoughts often sprung from the casual nothingness of Haskell's mind. The nothingness didn't entail that he was a dumb man, he simply had nothing to think about anymore. He always figured these random phrases were his minds way of keeping itself going, for fear of shutting down permanently should the silence go on too long. His mixture of zen and enlightenment broke as a blast of cold air hit his face from the cooler. Shoving his arm deep within the chilled beast, he grabbed a soft drink and took his place in the line to the register. The babble of his fellow line occupants bounced off his ears as he stared at the ceiling, mixing with the country music playing through out the store. It was always country music, he had been drowning in country music since he entered texas a day ago and there was no end in sight. He came to the front of the line and threw down some money, grunting something about pump 3. Grabbing his receipt he made for the door when everything stopped. ''Haskie?'' He could feel the hot air from the door on his face as a familiar voice piped up behind him. Female. His mind started racing, flooding with more thoughts than he'd had in a long time. Since two years ago. Since that summer. Halfway across the country. It couldn't be. He was so close. Don't turn around, just step out the door and never look back. Haskell turned around. The past came into a screeching collision with the present and angst overcame him. ____ _____ ___ ____ _____ _ _ _____ _____ _____ ___ _ _____ _ / ___|_ _/ _ \| _ \ |_ _| | | | ____| |_ _| ___|_ _| | | ____| | \___ \ | || | | | |_) | | | | |_| | _| | | | |_ | || | | _| | | ___) || || |_| | __/ | | | _ | |___ | | | _| | || |___| |___|_| |____/ |_| \___/|_| |_| |_| |_|_____| |_| |_| |___|_____|_____(_) ____ _____ ___ ____ _____ _ _ _____ _____ _____ ___ _ _____ _ / ___|_ _/ _ \| _ \ |_ _| | | | ____| |_ _| ___|_ _| | | ____| | \___ \ | || | | | |_) | | | | |_| | _| | | | |_ | || | | _| | | ___) || || |_| | __/ | | | _ | |___ | | | _| | || |___| |___|_| |____/ |_| \___/|_| |_| |_| |_|_____| |_| |_| |___|_____|_____(_) ____ _____ ___ ____ _____ _ _ _____ _____ _____ ___ _ _____ _ / ___|_ _/ _ \| _ \ |_ _| | | | ____| |_ _| ___|_ _| | | ____| | \___ \ | || | | | |_) | | | | |_| | _| | | | |_ | || | | _| | | ___) || || |_| | __/ | | | _ | |___ | | | _| | || |___| |___|_| |____/ |_| \___/|_| |_| |_| |_|_____| |_| |_| |___|_____|_____(_) SERIOUSLY! WE NEED TO INTERUPT THIS ISSUE OF ANGSTMONSTER TO BRING YOU SOME FUCKED UP SHIT HAPPENINGS STRAIGHT FROM #EZINES! sorry i didn't get anything in for the sock puppet issue it's ok but you know, you just missed out on the greatest issue of angstmonster ever dammit. i'll go kill myself yeah it'd be nice to see how many deaths that issue will spawn can't talk, dead. WHAT'S THAT MEAN!?! IT SEEMS ANOTHER BELOVED BROTHER OF THE TEXT HAS FALLEN TO A HORRIBLE DEATH THANKS TO OUR SOCK PUPPET ISSUE. THAT'S REALLY FUCKED UP! IT WASN'T THE INTENTION OF ANGSTMONSTER AT ALL TO KILL ANYONE! REALLY! IT'S A TRAGEDY THAT OREGANO DIED AND NOW... NOW LINEAR, WONDERFUL LINEAR! HE'S DEAD! HOWEVER, IN HIS SEARCH FOR OREGANO, ASCIIBAT WAS ABLE TO CHANNEL LINEAR FROM THE BEYOND AND LINEAR HAD THIS TO SAY... woohoo! immortalized in text scene glory I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GO ON WITH THIS ANY LONGER... SO INSTEAD HERE'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR! _ _ _ _ _ | |__ (_) __ _ __ _ ___ ___| |_ __| | ___ _ _ ___| |__ ___ | '_ \| |/ _` |/ _` |/ _ \/ __| __| / _` |/ _ \| | | |/ __| '_ \ / _ \ | |_) | | (_| | (_| | __/\__ \ |_ | (_| | (_) | |_| | (__| | | | __/ |_.__/|_|\__, |\__, |\___||___/\__| \__,_|\___/ \__,_|\___|_| |_|\___| |___/ |___/ __ ____ ___ ___ ____ ___ / _| |___ \ / _ \ / _ \___ \ / _ \| |_ __) | | | | | | |__) | | (_) | _| / __/| |_| | |_| / __/ \___/|_| |_____|\___/ \___/_____| OK FOLKS, AFTER MUCH DEBATE (AND STUFF) ANGSTMONSTER IS PROUD TO BRING YOU THE LIST OF THE BIGGEST DOUCHES OF 2002!!!!!! THE WAY IT WORKS: Both gir and ch33z-1t spent most of december advertising this list and asking friends and complete strangers for their submissions for biggest douche of 2002. If a person was nominated more than once, they got moved higher up on the list. The more votes a person has, the bigger the douche and the person with the most points wins. SO HERE IT IS... FIRST WE HAVE ANGSTMONSTER STAFF MEMBERS WHO WERE NOMINATED (AND OBVIOUSLY CAN'T WIN THE AWARD SINCE WE ARE GIVING IT AWAY AND THAT'D BE CHEATING) gir: "For making this list." -the Moose ch33z-1t: "I wanted to nominate him for all that swedish crap, but he said that's not allowed." -James "he gets an extra vote for saying he wasn't allowed to be nominated." -gir KoolPeith: "He is such a sissy." -Crash NOW ONTO THE REST OF THE WORLD ELLIGABLE TO WIN THE BIGGEST DOUCHE OF 2002 AWARD... Phil Conien - President of TECHEAD: "For saying that frames doesn't work with linux." -proudly submitted by Mr. Jay Ben Vaughn - exboyfriend of nominator: "He beat me up. He's also morbidly insane." -kls Crash - GMU student: "He won't even look at me since he started dating one of my x's, plus he's just a tool, what kind of name is "Crash", faggot, dissing me ever since he started dating her, he doesn't even shower anyways, what a freaking tool, there's your douche! -James Meghan - GMU student and exgirlfriend of nominator: "she cheated on me, i did everything for her, took her out to dinner, took her wherever she wanted to go and never showed gratitude or affection, always flirting with other guys while i'm not even allowed to mention a girl. I'm not allowed to mention an x-girlfriend while she's allowed to talk to hers and hang out with them." -James Triloybte - EDITOR OF FLODIS / OVERSEER OF HOE: "okay well i'm moist and got shoved into vaginas." -self nominated DOUCHES IN CARS: One day, a very sleepless day, I went to visit all my friends at GMU. So it wasn't a surprise that me, ch33z-1t, and tildaq made our way to tower. On the way there and back we encounter three douches in cars. (One of which was an EXTREME douche! Unfortunately, we don't have his license plate.) But, we do have the license plates of the other two douches. DOUCHE IN A CAR NUMBER ONE: YJP-9523 DOUCHE IN A CAR NUMBER TWO: THE EXTREME DOUCHE! DOUCHE IN A CAR NUMBER THREE: XYU-3796 SO IF YOU'RE EVER IN THE FAIRFAX AREA AND SEE THESE LISCENCE PLATES, FEEL FREE TO ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW AND LET THESE DOUCHES KNOW THEY WERE NOMINATED AS THE THREE BIGGEST DOUCHES IN CARS OF 2002 BY ANGSTMONSTER! THE #ACROMP3 DOUCHE NOMINATIONS: do you have any nominations for biggest douche of 2002 will you publish the nominee list? yeah bill o'reilly word i second o'reilly I nominate massingail for proper contrast you have to give reason's for the different people i nominate karl rove hahahah ha yes karl rove is a huge douche shit dudes ari fleischer hahaha i hate ari fleischer that fuck i miss joe lockhart fleisher is just a mouthpiece rove is a true douche fleischer is the secretary of lies but fleisher has a superiority complex it's ok if you have one but but yeah you're not supposed to SHOW it when you're press secretary NOW.... HERE IT IS.... ANGSTMONSTER IS PROUD TO PRESENT YOU WITH THE BIGGEST DOUCHE OF 2002! WINNING WITH THREE VOTES... THE BIGGEST DOUCHE IS... ERIC MAJOR! WHO? He's this guy I've known since middle school. I didn't nominate him. But find out who did... "being wrong about things and then arguing about them" -bobby "not wanting to watch robin williams" -bj "for not liking sweden" -ch33z-1t THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS! HOPEFULLY WE'LL GET A RESPONSE FROM THE WINNER AND WELL SINCE THIS IS THE LAST ISSUE OF ANGSTMONSTER EVER, WE'LL PROBABLY NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW YOU HIS RESPONSE TO WINNING. BUT I'M TOO UPSET TO THINK ABOUT THE END... HERE'S CH33z-1T TO TAKE US HOME... _ _ _ | |_| |__ ___ ___ _ __ __| | | __| '_ \ / _ \ / _ \ '_ \ / _` | | |_| | | | __/ | __/ | | | (_| | \__|_| |_|\___| \___|_| |_|\__,_| (by ch33z-1t) Well, this is it. You assholes didn't like angstmonster, so it's over. Some of you might think "Hey well at least they had a good run at it." I saw chomp pa chewy chewy chomp to that. Angstmonster was the best damn e-zine ever written. We all owe our life to Gir, and how do you douches repay him? With not reading it. Or not writing for it. This will be my last writing for this zine. It will be done now. We weren't getting the rating our promoters wanted so they decided to pull the plug on this project. I don't know how you people can sleep at night knowing you could have kept angstmonster up. But not now, it is too far gone. We at angstmonster are being thrown onto the streets of Chesterfield with no cell phone, no cable internet access and no silver spoon to suck on. I don't know about you, but I don't think that is any way to live life. So there is one thing you people can do to save angstmonster. You have to mail us. Either gir@angstmonster.org or dave@angstmonster.org and tell us how much you enjoyed it. Depending on how many we get we will decide whether to do this again. As for right now. Have a good life with your cell phones and cable internet. But just remember next time you are downloading porn at fast speeds, think of me, fucking my hot girlfriend while you are sitting there with your dick in your hand. Actually I don't want you to think of me fucking my hot girlfriend when your dick is in your hand. If I catch you doing that, I'm gonna rip your dick right off. ______ __ _ _ _ _ _ __ __ / ____| / _| |_ ___ _ __| |_| |__ ___ _ _ __ _| |__ | |_ / /_\ \ / _| _| | |_| __/ _ \ '__| __| '_ \ / _ \| | | |/ _` | '_ \| __| / __| | / __| |___| _| || __/ | | |_| | | | (_) | |_| | (_| | | | | |_| \__ \ | /_/ |_____|_| \__\___|_| \__|_| |_|\___/ \__,_|\__, |_| |_|\__| |___/ | |___/ \_\ /_/ Man, figlet is such a fun program. If you don't have it, for the love of all things you love, seek this program out NOW! You'll need it when angstmonster's not around to bring you ascii text like we used to. I don't know what else to say. These last few weeks have been far too much for me. I really wish there was a way to bring oregano back. That'd set things right in angstmonster land. But there's not. So remember us at our highest, the sock puppet issue. Let it rule down on you, like all sock puppets should rule. I'm sorry we couldn't give you more of the ASCII ANGST LOVING we were working towards putting out in the world. Our time has come and gone in the blink of an eye. THIS IS THE END OF ANGSTMONSTER... THESE ARE THE FINAL WORDS YOU'LL EVER READ FROM OUR PAGES... ARE YOU READY FOR THAT LAST BIT OF WHAT WE HAVE TO SAY... ARE YOU SURE? AFTERALL, THIS LAST EDITION OF ANGSTMONSTER EVER IS A LOT LIKE WHEN FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 4 WAS THE FINAL CHAPTER. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT? WELL? THEY'RE STILL MAKING FRIDAY THE 13TH MOVIES AREN'T THEY? SO WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? =] _____ / |\ |\ /\ |\ | \ | | |/ |/ < > |/ | * / |_| | | \/ |\ | * http://www.bubblemonkey.org/cheesencrackers/ !CHEESENCRACKERS! http://members.optushome.com.au/steak/addendum/ żADDENDUMż http://www.neo-comintern.com *THE NEO-COMINTERN* http://turd.angstmonster.org THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT! http://www.textscene.com CURRENT TEXTFILE SCENE http://scene.textfiles.com SCENE.TEXTFILES.COM ?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż? What you have just read was a step into the unknown spontaneous and poorly edited thoughts for sharing collectively known as "Angstmonster." All thoughts on the matter can be sent to or you can just visit the site http://www.angstmonster.org and see what you think. Submissions of all sorts are welcome! Everything from prose and poetry to rants and opinions, creative text art, recipes for yummy food, reviews of stuff, etc. Thanks and enjoy your day... copywrite 2002 issue 17 angstmonster.org 12.30.02 Feel free to redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. (and stuff)