Æ*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*Æ * __ __ * + _____ ____ ____ ______/ |_____ ____ ___ ______/ |___________ + * \__ \/ \ / __ \/ ___\ __\ \ _ \/ \/ ___\ __/__ \_ __ \ * + / __ \_ | \ /_/ >\__ \| | Y Y \<_> ) | \__ \| |\ ___/| | \/ + * (____ /_| /___ /____ >|__|__|_| /___/__| /___ >|__| \__ \|__| * + \/ \/____/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ + * 05.05.03 angstmonster issue 26 * Æ*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*Æ ¡edited (poorly) by gir I just tried on my sisters thong.. it's not as uncomfortable as I thought §+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§ + + + Brief words from gir + + SUB[m]ISSON brandon + + eyes on the heavens and hands in my pockets tex + + Danish for IRC'ers st0vb0ld + + giraffes estell + + The Truth About Chuck'e'Cheese oregano + + Total Request Angst gir + + (un)Wanted + + + §+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§ fanking: i just spilt a bucket full of bong water fanking: all over my carpet fanking: like half a bucket fanking: do u understand my angst fanking logged out. hmm i miss ezines too bad we tore it down and built a starbucks take that, subspace! i like starbucks nice mugs TynByrdBlue: we have birthday cake TynByrdBlue: and pizza TynByrdBlue: it's like a little kids party TynByrdBlue: with beer anyone play chess? never played via irc! absolutely newbie i am not gir: do you like the white stripes? AncientWarMoose: nko i am not gir: how do you fuck up the word no AncientWarMoose: like this: AncientWarMoose: nko --------------- : Brief Words : : from gir : --------------- Time is strangely slow. I'm sitting here waiting for time to pass by me like some sort of dysfunctional rocke tship and hopefully not crash on top of my computer but instead it's doing some graceful and by the book landing. It reminds me of the first and only time I road aboard a rocke tship. I was still very young and had never flown on a plane before so it was quite a nervous but exciting moment for me. Here I was, not even out of elementary school and I was riding on a rocket ship. Had it not been for the monster, we probably would've gotten off the ground and made it into space. If a monster ruined your chance to go to space in a rocket ship you'd be one angry little kid and that's exactly what I was. Monsters have a habit of causing all sorts of mischief on rocket ships because rocketships are a tasty treat to monsters. Always make sure that monsters eat really big meals before they go on rocket ship rides so your rocket ship will actually get to go to space. In order to protect me from other monsters, the papers reported the monsters death as his own fault. "He was overly excited," the Associate Press was told in a news briefing, "and became claustrophobic in the rocket ship. To relieve himself of this alarmed state, the monster banged his head against one of the glass windows of the rocket until he finally enough wounds from the breaking shards of glass to be fatal." That's right, as a mere elementary schooler I managed to stab a monster to death with glass from a broken rocket ship window. The monster community didn't buy the AP's story one bit. They wanted to launch an ongoing investigation to find out what really happened that day. However my people knew this would mean a war would break out among us and the monsters. With recent development in monster weaponry, humans everywhere knew that such a war would not be good for our still developing society. Of course, these events were all quickly overlooked when a monster had been found eating some of my school friends who were playing spaceman. The monster was set to be executed without a trial in a matter of weeks. (This was back when monsters didn't have the same rights as humans in the federal courts.) So that monster became the man of the moment and my failed rocket ship trip was quickly forgotten about... BUT I STILL REMEMBER IT! I STILL FEEL THE PAIN OF NOT GETTING TO RIDE INTO SPACE AS PART OF A SPECIAL PROGRAM TO BRIDGE THE GAP BETWEEN HUMANS AND MONSTERS! I'M SO SORRY FOR WHAT I DID AND I DID NOT REALIZE UNTIL YEARS LATER THE IMPLICATIONS OF WHAT I'D DONE! I HOPE THAT MONSTERS AND MONSTER SYMPATHIZERS ALIKE CAN FIND FORGIVENESS FOR ME IN THEIR HEARTS. OTHERWISE, I DON'T THINK I'LL BE ABLE TO GO ON... --------------- : SUB[m]ISSON : : by brandon : --------------- one-thousand, one-hundred and fifteen miles. approximately sixty-six thousand, nine hundred minutes. or, four million, fourteen thousand seconds. alternately, about nineteen hours. down, emotions flow like april showers, no need for heat when you pack super powers, even if within, your soul's so shook that it cowers. mental segregation, can't unite the nation, climbing up obstacles like conquering the appalachian. testing boundaries and rising up like inflation, my appreciation: lays in the frays of eternal degradation, mind, body & soul. i turn pop and sing about being whole, the hurt can't take it's toll, when out my emotions roll.. insert here, like a glory hole, so big you get swallowed whole. pain dulled with champagne, as i try to retain and ascertain.. obtain an ad campaign to rain down stealthy, so as not to be picked up by the weather vane. and down i came, putting heretic poetics to shame. take aim at my claim to fame, shoot it down to avoid the post game.. recap. as i spread my wings and flap, i eyeball the gap. everlasting. eternal. love. --------------------------- : eyes on the heavens : : and hands in my pockets : : by tex : --------------------------- One night not too long after Christmas I wandered into the Auburn, ME Wal-Mart to blow a gift card I had. I ended up getting Radiohead's "Kid A". My stepmother was still shopping halfway across town, so I sat on a bench outside for a while and watched the twilight. Dozens of cars pulled in, slowed down, sped up, drove off, kicking up little puddles of brown-black slush as they passed. All the stars were out that night. I started to get that feeling essential to Maine: you're in the middle of civilization, but you could walk half a mile in most directions and be in the thick of the woods. As I looked around a guy, no more than 23 or 24, sat on the bench next to mine and waited silently for a while. After a few minutes had passed, he turned to me and told me, "I got a taxi coming. You need a ride to anywhere?" I considered briefly. It was an invitation. He seemed sane enough, but that's always half the fun. Who knows? Maybe he was bored, maybe he was friendly, or maybe he was some kind of straight and lonely that I didn't understand. My ride would be coming soon, though. "Nah, thanks..." Even as I said it I regretted it. ---------------------- : Danish for IRC'ers : : by st0vb0ld : ---------------------- Since I started writing for Angstmonster, there seems to be an interest in learning the Danish language, and tonight the almighty gir asked for a file on this subject, so here goes: * Joins: DK1 (dk1@dk.dk) * Joins: DK2 (dk2@dk.dk) * Joins: US (us@translator.com) hej hello hvordan går det? how are you doing? det går fint. og dig? fine. and you? det går også godt I'm fine too hvad laver du? what are you doing? ingenting.. hvad laver du? nothing.. what are you doing? det samme the same ok, det lyder kedeligt ok, that sounds boring nej, det er faktisk helt vildt fedt no, it's actually way cool øh, hvordan det? err, how's that? jamen, så kan jeg jo sidde og skrive denne tekst til angstmonster well, then I can sit here writing this text for angstmonster ja ok, det er jo fedt nok! yeah ok, that's cool! nemlig right tror du, at du når at blive færdig inden deadline? do you think, you're gonna finish it before deadline? det ved jeg ikke.. jeg ved ikke engang, om det er værd at printe I don't know.. I don't even know, if it's worth printing nå, men skal vi finde på noget mere at skrive? oh well, should we whip up something more to write? ja, lad os gøre det. yes, let's do that. nogen forslag? any suggestions? ikke rigtigt.. hvordan er vejret? not really.. how's the weather? vejret er fint! solen skinner og fuglene synger, så det kunne ikke være bedre! the weather is great! the sun is shining and the birds are singing, so it couldn't be any better! sejt! jeg har spist 14 fugle i dag cool! I have eaten 14 birds today ok, smagte de godt? ok, did it taste good? ikke specielt.. den ene begyndte at bygge rede nede i halsen på mig not really.. one of them started building a nest in my throat det må gøre ondt! that must hurt! nej, det er ikke så slemt.. det værste er, at jeg tror, jeg er sindssyg, fordi jeg sidder og skriver med mig selv hele tiden.. no, it's not so bad.. the worst part is, that I think I'm insane, because I'm sitting here writing with myself all the time.. du skal da være heldig, at der er en, der overhovedet gider snakke med dig! consider yourself lucky that there's one, who actually wants to talk to you! * DK1 sets mode: +b *!dk2@dk.dk * DK2 was kicked by DK1 (spasser!) * Parts US (us@translator.com) ahh, endelig fred! :) Yeah, I know this was lame but hey.. drop by and I'll tutor you myself :D But for now I'm out.. Going to write something hopefully more interesting for the next issue. Tootles! ------------- : giraffes : : by estell : ------------- Giraffes have horns for fighting Actually, it doesn't seem that way. If you have ever looked at a giraffe, you would know that the fighting knobblies are awfully cute. Giraffes have black tongues, did you know that? I knew that, because I have seen them. They are at the Richmond zoo, and are very affectionate and much like petting zoo goats. Giraffes live in holes underground with hobbits. Their tongues are black because they have been deprived of light. But wait, that makes no sense, because black people live in the sun. But giraffe tongues lighten in the sun, because the sunrays contain bleach that only reacts with giraffe tongues. Is that so? But, if you have seen the giraffes at the Richmond zoo, you would know that their tongues are in the sun all of the time, because they are constantly licking out for petting zoo pellets. The black tongue was an adaptation of the ancient giraffe. And just like if you put a black person underground they would not instantly turn white. So it will take thousands of generations before the above ground giraffe has a white tongue. Sleep took the arguing half of my paper. Good-night ------------------- : The Truth About : : Chuck'e'Cheese : : by oregano : ------------------- Prologue: I will tell you the truth right off the bat. "It's fun." That is the punchline to all this file. If you read the title and wanted the ending and that is all you are looking for you can stop reading, I told you the ending, I am going to have a huge buildup and then say "Chuck E. Cheese is fun" like it's some big secret. Non-serious readers can go and read other things in this Angsty Monster. Those of oyu still reading might say, "WWWWAH! Boo Hoo!, you ruined it." Well 63% of oregano readers read files more than once, so my ruining it the first time you read this file will not hurt later readings, you go into this reading like a seasoned pro even the first time. You can even read the file out loud to your mom, or girlfriend, or what-have-you, and predict the ending, because I just told you the ending. The person you read out loud to might say, "Oh, of course you can predict the ending, you have read this file before." Tell them, "Nuh uh, I only looked at the introduction which has nothing to do with nothing, so shut your trap hole and listen as I read." You will not be lying, it will be your first time reading the file. But also you will know the ending; I clued you in. On to the file. The Terrible Secret of Chuckie Cheese is Revealed ------------------------------------------------- Chuckie Cheese harbors a dark secret, a secret that only comes to light now, after it has taken hold of the heart and minds of youngsters all across America. I will tell you now, in this file just what it is that kids love so much about Chuk EE Cheez and why their parents take them to it again and again. Read this file, if you dare, if you are not scared witless just at the thought of finding out the Chuch E Cheese secret. Here goes, cover your eyes, the truth about is going to be revealed. I hope the suspense is not going to kill you. This is going to be a huge surprise. Might want to stop reading right now and try to guess. But if you did so it would be impossible, this secret to CC is too hard to guess. What? Are you too wimpy to guess? I thought so. Here is the secret about Chuk e Cheese: Its fun! Epilogue: You might have thought "oregano is going to pull a fast one on me", that I was going to say something other than "It's Fun" But I knew you would think I would think to do something like that. Instead I did as I said. But I could tell you were getting nervous. You might have read the first sentence out loud and boldly proclaimed that you knew the secret, then, after you were committed, you were not sure if you could trust the prologue, my being a tricky trick-the-reader kind of guy. You found yourself committing to trusting my prologue and then suddenly thinking, "Is that prologue trustable? Will the person I am reading to think I am a dolt if I get it wrong?" But I outfoxed you and gave you the real deal. Sneaky. Now you know that I did not trick you; and you know the terrible secret of Chuck E Cheese. It has been a busy day for you. Sleep well. The End ----------------- : Total Request : : ANGST : : by gir : ----------------- Is it really that strange for the editor of a publication to not actually write anything for it? Aren't the editorial duties enough? According to the inner circle at angstmonster, NO! So as the humble and ever present super duper cool editor, I've come to please all of you who wanted me to write something. You don't have to like it, just read it. "I'm not going to lie to anyone at the table, I've been very frustrated lately and it's been showing. Not only has my attitude been off, by my work as well has suffered immensely. I don't want to go into too many details about what happened, I will however explain how it got better." I paused for theatrics. Whenever I know the story I'm about to tell isn't what it could be, I sneak some pauses in there to make the anticipation more important then what everyone is anticipating. "Last night I found myself having to go to the bathroom the worst I'd ever had to go in awhile. The thing was, I was very excited by this. It wasn't a 'I have to find a bathroom now or I'm going to poop my pants' kind of urgency, it was a very restless kind of explosion that took place once I sat down. And to tell you the truth, I have no intentions of looking back." "When I dropped that dooker, I wasn't just getting rid of the watery wastes of my bowels, I was letting go of a monster who smelled really bad and carried a bad attitude with him wherever he went. A bad attitude comprised mainly, of all the things people say that irk us. It may seem fickle, but you know as well as I that when things build up inside, you eventually have to get rid of them. Some of us are fortunate to have outlets for that build up, but what happens when that doesn't work?" I paused again. I let them look around and wonder "What happens when your primary outlet fails you?" "It's simple, you look for an alternate route. Last night I discovered my alternate route was taking a shit." They all gasped. "What did you take your shit out of the toilet and paint a picture with it?" "Are you kidding!? That'd be really gross. It was the feeling that did it for me. And you all know the feeling. It spells relief in big bold colorful letters. When your body let's go of something, it gets all tingly and excited and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside." "Oh I get it." "Yeah?" "Yeah. You're saying we've had it wrong all along..." "EXACTLY! We're in the wrong market for expelling angst. This writing thing is so tired and dated. The future is in excrement and it's never smelt better!" We all had a hardy laugh at my predictable pun. To celebrate our new plan for world domination we had Taco Bell. After all, it was one of their fierce burritos that allowed me to see what we had been overlooking all along. -------------- : (un)Wanted : -------------- BRAND NEW FOR ONE TIME ONLY! ANGSTMONSTER PRESENTS SOME UNWANTED ADS! Wanted: We at angstmonster are looking for a new person to fill the slot recently vacated by ch33z-1t. In essence you will become him. This person needs to be practically identical in every way, to ch33z-1t. What we are looking for: poor cleanliness, friend with long half dreaded hair, who works at tower. Fly-ass girlfriend. Must be a little off his rocker. Looking for someone who can run out of ideas easily and then pretend to quit angstmonster, only to piss people off. That is another thing, must be VERY good at pissing people off. Must have started some sort of awards ceremony for 2002, and has to have a love for South Park and frogs. If you fit this description, or know someone who does. Please let us here at angstmonster know. JUNE 30TH IS ALMOST HERE! THAT'S RIGHT! IN LESS THAN TWO MONTHS, THE COOLEST ISSUE OF ANGSTMONSTER EVER WILL BE RELEASED FOR PUBLIC VIEWING AND WE'RE LOOKING FOR SUBMISSIONS. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS ANY INSIGHT INTO THE WORLD OF HAMSTERS OR LASERS OR HOW HAMSTERS AND LASERS INTERACT, DON'T HESITATE TO EMAIL GIR@ANGSTMONSTER.ORG WITH YOUR SUBMISSION. TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS! After a very successful stickering, angstmonster wants a tshirt. If you've talked to gir lately, you'll notice in recent his obsession is a picture of a cat stuck between the two buns of a hamburger which can be found at the following URL: http://angstmonster.org/txt/media/kitty_burger.jpg Anyways, we need a slogan to accompany the shirt. If we choose your slogan, you'll get a free tshirt! (but if not, the shirts will hopefully be cheap!) email your slogan ideas to gir. in a later issue, they'll be printed up for all the readers to decide on... Available: Thanks to our sources at the local morgue, we've scored some Ch33z-1t autopsy pictures. Very high resolution too! Naturally we'd go ahead and try to print them with AM, but seeing as this is an ASCII only zine, that'd be quite silly. Interested? email gir@angstmonster.org for more details. ANGSTMONSTER LOGO STICKERS ARE AVAILABLE! IF YOU CAN PROVE YOURSELF AS A DEDICATED FAN, THESE STICKERS CAN BE YOURS! Again, bug gir for info on how to get the sticker that everyone in YOUR town will want to have but can't because they have never even heard of angstmonster! Correspondance: Lonely zombie and tfile writer imprisoned in an undisclosed location where they only tfile writers and zombies are detained. I'm recently divorced and have a son that my ex is keeping me from so you can imagine I'm not in the best of moods. Looking for someone to cheer me up and send me brains disguised as birthday cakes. Ask gir how to get in touch -Ascii Bat. Angstmonster's just not complete if oregano doesn't recite to us one of his immortal epics from his collection of verse entitled "Some of My Best Friends Tried Using Me as a Marijuana Substitute..." Look for it at a bookstore near you! What's Become of St0vbold (a poem) What's become of St0vbold? Has he flow off with the wind? What's become of St0vbold? did he meet a fiery end? We use to laugh with the Stove and cry, then laugh, then weep But Stove has left us yet again perhaps this time for keeps. Let us learn a simple lesson one that Stove makes plain To let a friend into your life will only end in pain The End RIP Stove, you shall be missed (for a couple weeks [then forgotten]) æææææææææææææææææææ æ Æfterthought(s) æ æææææææææææææææææaæ It is out of fear that I sleep with a glass shard from the rocket ship window under my pillow. It's certainly not the smartest thing to do, especially since I like to flail around a lot when I'm sleeping. I've got a couple of nasty scars I'd rather not talk about as a result. But at least I feel safer this way. Once one of those monsters tries to surprise me by popping out from under my bed, I'm already leaping onto him and bashing his fucking face into the side of my bed. So if you're a monster trying to fuck me up, you should probably rethink your methods. Come on, be creative, I'm sure there some sort of attack I haven't already planned retaliation for yet... _____ / |\ |\ /\ |\ | \ | | |/ |/ < > |/ | * / |_| | | \/ |\ | * FRIENDS: http://www.bubblemonkey.org/cheesencrackers/ !CHEESENCRACKERS! http://www.neo-comintern.com *THE NEO-COMINTERN* http://www.textscene.com CURRENT TEXTFILE SCENE OTHER THINGS WE DO: http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/turd THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT! http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/il +iMPULSE LAMEALITY+ ?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿? What you have just read was a step into the unknown spontaneous and poorly edited thoughts for sharing collectively known as "Angstmonster." All thoughts on the matter can be sent to or you can just visit the site http://www.angstmonster.org and see what you think. Submissions of all sorts are welcome! Everything from prose and poetry to rants and opinions, creative text art, recipes for yummy food, reviews of stuff, etc. Thanks and enjoy your day... copy-spwep 2003 issue 26 angstmonster.org 05.05.03 Feel free to redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. (and stuff)