Æ*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*Æ * __ __ * + _____ ____ ____ ______/ |_____ ____ ___ ______/ |___________ + * \__ \/ \ / __ \/ ___\ __\ \ _ \/ \/ ___\ __/__ \_ __ \ * + / __ \_ | \ /_/ >\__ \| | Y Y \<_> ) | \__ \| |\ ___/| | \/ + * (____ /_| /___ /____ >|__|__|_| /___/__| /___ >|__| \__ \|__| * + \/ \/____/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ + * 06.02.03 angstmonster issue 28 * Æ*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*Æ ¡edited (poorly) by gir¡ knarphie: the new angstmonster just made me shoot coffee out my nose §+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§ + + + Brief words from gir + + Eba's Guide to Online Emceeing ese.bastardo.amarillo + + Plans for a condom grenade bluevillain(cauldhame) + + Why it is bad to own stuff peith + + The Price of Privacy oregano + + + §+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§ Anna7Space: no porn downloads Anna7Space: you can just see the pictures :) Subject: Your $3,000 Computer Is Enclosed lo and behold, there is a $3000 computer attached to the email FWD THAT SHIT TO ME SerChiller: you probably made the whole internet slow hehe i am not gir: i tend to do that ok that's it I give up I admit Philip K Dick is god not in the lower case sense I believe that Philip K dick is actually controlling reality Akira1988: i feel kind of guilty Akira1988: i haven't used fruityloops for a long time Akira1988: yeah, i feel like i'm cheating on fruityloops with reason Akira1988: and that cubase is some other chick that i occasionally see that i never call but feel like getting serious with one day who is whitecomb whitcomb/#angstmonster is an inflatable subroutine within the matrix no you're not prove it there you go ether grenade: anything making fun of the vdc is a cheap shot ether grenade: just cause it's so easy ether grenade: my two month old niece makes fun of the vdc the bible is like some kind of holy book for zombies jetgirl804: so, estell called me yesterday jetgirl804: and confirmed...... jetgirl804: that when Canadian people talk jetgirl804: their heads do come off --------------- : Brief Words : : from gir : --------------- When I read accounts of zombie sex as told by the late Ascii Bat, I thought he was joking about the speedy gestation period but it turns out, that zombies do in fact give birth to their offspring at insanely quick rates! After watching DEAD ALIVE today, I got to experience the miracle of zombie sex and birth second hand! It was quite an experience. I personally would like to get in on the experience myself. Especially after eating the brain of the late Ascii Bat and becoming corrupt with perverse undead powers. I really think that I would be down for having some raunchy undead sex. I'm not talking necrophilia, I'm talking getting hooked up with a downright hot zombie chick and getting a little something something on. So if you're a really hot zombie chick reading this, we should get together and munch on a brain or two. Does it bother anyone else that even with super amazing corrupt perverse zombie powers all I want to do is hook up and get some? It's like reality itself is just a scam to hook up... It's like... GIRLS ARE IN ON THE WHOLE MATRIX THING! Because the Matrix is completely one hundred percent real! That's one of the many ways we know that females have a part in it, they are ever confusing and in order to make us believe that the Matrix is fake, they allowed for the movies to be made in order to confuse us. After all, girls have been known to change their minds from time to time! I'm sure they thought it'd be a crippling tease to suggest that maybe reality is false and we are being detained by superior artifical intelligence in some sort of false reality, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT! I'M ON TO THIS WHOLE THING AND I AM GOING TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT IT BECAUSE NO ONE CAN STOP ME AND YOU'D THINK THAT SINCE THIS IS THE MATRIX, THE AGENTS WATCHING ME AS I TYPE THIS VERY SENTENCE WOULD CATCH ON AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ESPECIALLY SINCE I AM BEING EXTRA CONSPICIOUS TYPING IN ALL CAPS, BUT NO! GIRLS ARE LIKE THAT! THEY JUST WANNA FUCK WITH OUR MINDS! THAT'S WHY THEY ALLOWED THEMSELVES TO BE INSERTED INTO THE MATRIX WITH US SO THAT THEY COULD GAIN AN UPPERHAND BY USING THEIR PREVIOUS KNOWLEDGE OF THIS FALSE REALITY TO FUCK WITH US! WHY DO YOU THINK TRINITY IS THE BEST HAX0R TYPE IN THE MATRIX? BECAUSE SHE IS A GIRL AND SHE KNEW ALL ABOUT THE WHOLE THING BEFORE ANY OF THE MALES WERE LIBERATED! I promise you this is the truth in the matter of all things. I know this because I have devoured the brains of a close friend. If you follow in my footsteps, you too will know the truth concerning our reality. Of course, if you're a girl, you already know the truth so I'M NOT GOING TO SHARE ANY OF MY BRAINS WITH YOU! PISS OFF ALREADY! ------------------------- : Eba's Guide to : : Online Emceeing : : by : : ese.bastardo.amarillo : ------------------------- Several weeks ago I stumbled onto 'The Battlefield' section of Wu-Tang Dynasty dot com's forums. The description of the board read: "Do not enter this forum unless you are lyrically gifted". I thought this pretty funny and decided to waste some time. I looked through each post's topic and picked one out of the blue since they were all pretty much non-descriptive; the post was 'VISION: BLINDED', which I assumed meant a member named 'Vision' was defeated lyrically, "cleverly" metaphorically "blinded." The post, being written by the member 'Allahuakbar' (Akbar for short), contained a somewhat long and cumbersome rhyme against someone I wasn't clear was 'Vision'. I had expected a more vicious or at least intelligent rap on a forum dedicated to the greatest rap group of all time. Akbar's rhyme consisted of pretty much words that rhymed; no heart, no soul. Now if you're a fan of the WTC you'll be able to identify that this negro was biting their style. And badly, at that. If I was asked to write a rhyme as Akbar, it would go like this: "I'm the revolution, evolution, convolution, fusion of the muse'n I be speakin, creepin, seepin, your style is weakenin..." You get the picture. Anyway, Akbar's actual post went as so: Sun that name holds water the living body being of those martyred Those slaughtered defending honor and sons and daughters plus wife trust life ain't how you see it let me give you real VISION, peep it: In the last days the last sage of the first age is challenged by stoned age heathenistic animalistic Stoned faced demonistic pagenist No faced disease bidden follower's of the forbidden... Now scope Sun holding sword in hand And understand that the time of the Lord's at hand... Now witness the children playing the women praying to Amon Ra and the Evil One soothe saying... now analyze the sword swingin' hoards of demons schemin' on how to stop that STOP..... now behold Sun sword blinding Visions, empower livin' incision through front torso, and out back WATCH.. the peasants notice from out the golden lotus a bloom of roses in which one stands and poses his words are spoken "Keep on wishing hopin' and those who only showboatin will be cut open and their blood flowin' down the river path.. WAIT vision the example cut open kicked the horse of trojan disappear like roman history, this mystery poem hopin to save the rest from the blood bath!" PEACE To read his entire post would be suicide, so at the 'Quick Reply' form at the bottom I started typing my own rhyme against him. I didn't actually care that his raps sucked huge gorilla ass, but it WAS fun writing that stuff because it was so simple to be better then him at it. About 3 minutes later I had effortlessly concocted this battle rhyme: -----------------------BEGIN REPLY BY EBA (ME)------------------------- Yo Akbar you betta check yoself nigga. EBA on da mic now fool. Judgment Day is herre. heh Yo, check it You think you got skill you just spoutin off words What you be speakin is some shit i done heard from some 5 year old kid tryin to be "Like Mike" I'm ridin in da benz, you still on your sistaz bike Shit kid, Ill go easy on you now, its pitty Cause no one fuck with me with rhymes that shitty Come to my hood get the kids to beat your ass, Cuz if I did it like that the fight'd be over too fast Put you in a body cast, motherfucker its a wrap, Better consult your fuckin lawyer before you try another rap -------------------------END REPLY BY EBA (ME)-------------------------- Yeah, it's no Shakespeare, but comeon, at least it had a small amount of cohesiveness; now that I read over it again it looks pretty stupid. Oh well! The following days I waited for his reply, but found nothing! My first thought was that I had mentally scarred him for life and he could no longer bear the thought of living and therefore committed suicide. Although my predictions were inaccurate, his next post DID suggest he was born with the mind of a 5-year-old. --------------------------BEGIN REPLY BY AKBAR-------------------------- Ummm.... yeah... get at me... I don't know you. you Popped out of nowhere... I will still blow you. What is EBA eBitch and Associates ? This S-U-N a Slaughter U Now promotions hit But I got love for you Still, i got slugs for you. beetlejuice MC, got anti bug for you Call me Mr. Orkin Man Beef ? I put fork in man Who the fuck is you ? besides a dork in land of a thousand drums that's snap necks And this verse is the opposite of death threat Meanin I give you life gift...: I give you mic gift...: I let you write All i ask in return is that you try to sound tight If RZA stutter speaks then I perform typo feat: Sucl Mi Dicl And then you can tenderize my meat Beat feet the other way And let you older brother play I know you have something to say but save it for another day another time another place preferably never and nowhere is the better place stay there forever Take heed to my post Don't want me to go postal And leave you like ghost Buster I'll toast you Cheers !!!! ---------------------------END REPLY BY AKBAR--------------------------- Let me dissect this: first off on the fourth line he says he can "still blow" me. Hmmm...well now that I mention it he does give good head. Then he tries to figure out what 'EBA' stands for, and comes up with "eBitches and Associates". Come on, "Edna Bites Apricots" or "Every Boy's Asshole" or SOMETHING would have been better then that. I'll skip all the other stuff and leave it to you to decipher. I will admit this one was a lot better then his previous attempts. I checked his post out at school and was therefore unable to reply, so I got out some paper and began to write my longest, greatest work of rhyme ever! A couple days later I found out I was banned from the Wu-Tang Dynasty's entire website (including the forums), and couldn't reply. And so it ended... What amazes me about online emceeing is that it takes no talent whatsoever, especially against the idiotic people who actually participate in it (myself included). For one, unlike *real* freestyle battling, you have no idea what the person looks like so the only things you can rap about are "I am a better a rapper then you are, bitch!!" and the ever classic long list of rhyming words that have no relevance to the actual person you're talking about, made popular by Allahuakbar. Also, with *real* MC battling, you simultaneously come up with the rhymes from scratch in seconds timing, while online you have hours, maybe even days like Akbar did to write (or steal or copy or...) a couple lines! So ends this deadly medley of...ah screw it. PEACE. Contact: tank_uddf@yahoo.com ------------------------------ : Plans for a condom grenade : : by bluevillain(cauldhame) : ------------------------------ I. Intro: Inspired by the Molotov Cocktail.. We bring you: The Condom Grenade. Why use a condom? Well not only are condoms much more easier to obtain than bottles they are also very flexible and elastic. The Condom Grenade was originally engineered to take out enemy terrorists...I must warn you though.. Many a men have been killed with the use of the deadly condom grenade! II. Materials: 1. Condom: (Try to obtain the thickest ones you can get.. obviously do not buy extra sensitive because they are too thin for use in creating the condom grenade) 2. Gasoline, Nail Polish Remover, or any other highly flammable substance. 3. Wick ( Or one of those non-glossed yo-yo strings) 4. Plastic Bag III. Creation: 1. Grab 1 non - used condom and get it fully unrolled & stretched out. 2. Fill the condom 3/5 of the way with your highly-flammable liquid. 3. Insert the wick. Make sure it is about atleast a good 10 inches. If you have no which soak a non-glossed yo-yo string in gasoline. If you choose to use a yo-yo string make sure it is about 20 inches because gasoline soaked string tends to burn fast. 4. With the wick/string & gasoline inside tie the condom. Make sure you tie it good! 5. You can be as creative as you wish with the 5th step. I like to put my condom-grenade in a ralphs or rite-aid plastic bag with the wick sticking out. IV. USE: ..Assuming that you placed your c.g. in a thin plastic bag, light the wick and toss at terrorist/friend. ------------------------------ : Why it is bad to own stuff : : by peith : ------------------------------ If you know who I am, read what I have written, or are aware of my interests, you might have a clue that I am one of those cliche revolutionary wannabe's that goes around yelling about how material wealth is stupid and you should invest in your happiness blah blah blah. A few days ago I moved back home with my parents from a few semesters in a dorm room. To my surprise/delight, my mom decided to finish the basement and let me live down there in a room that is about 15X10. Its really cool and all, but the problem I have is fitting all my shit in here. The first few days when all my junk was still packed up in boxes in the attic, this room could have been displayed in a mental health magazine or an Ikea ad. Today I had to go through all that junk and get it in here. Now, right as I'm going to bed, my desk is cluttered, I've got clothes all over the floor up to my bed, and I'm going to have a shitty Monday waking up to this. Its not that I'm a neat freak, but I'm in close quarters with all this crap that I own. I never touch most of it. I come to this conclusion. Once a week, throw something away. Give it to someone who can use it. Sell it on ebay. Throw it off a bridge. Tie firecrackers to it and blow it up. Run over it with your car. Smash it against your forehead/knee. Put it down the kitchen sink and turn the garbage disposal. Play fetch with your dog with it. Just get rid of something. Lighten your load as you go through life. You don't have to carry the bare minimum, but don't carry an excess. My two cents, brought to you by Angstmonster. ------------------------ : The Price of Privacy : : by oregano : ------------------------ Prelude Jamesy and Amy hurtled through the air at 50 miles per hour, the angry city of Chicago whizzed by below their feet. The CTA train zipped through the neighborhoods faster than any car could, passing over traffic jams and red lights and stop signs, 50,000 pounds of metal screeching on hot rails. Jamesy turned to Amy and said, "When we get there, we have to get inside oregano's apartment. It is something you really have to see. But he is all private so it will be a struggle." Amy replied, "What is so great about it? Who cares?" "No, really, you have to see it, you will not believe it." "Is it some sort of mansion?" "No." "Super dirty?" "Amy, just trust me, you have to see it so do anything you can to get us inside oregano's apartment, no matter what he says." The train continued rumbling and shaking as it plowed down the tracks towards it final destination. oregano was laying on his bed staring at the ceiling, the Cubs game on the radio, but oregano was not paying attention, he was waiting for the call from Amy and Jamesy announcing that they had arrived at his apartment. It was to be a day of showing people around the known center of the universe, Evanston. oregano laid patiently, like a hen, and then, finally, the phone rang. "It's me, Jamesy, buzz us in and we'll come up." oregano replied, "I'll come down, stay there, it will just be a sec." Outside the building Jamesy said to Amy, "Well, that did not work, we did not get to get inside to see his apartment, I had to take a try at least. We have to think quick or he will steer us away from the apartment all together." oregano took the elevator down and opened the door and went outside. Amy spoke up, "Hey, oregano, I need to use your phone." oregano said, "But you two called me on a cell phone." "Yeah, but the battery is dead and I really need to call my mom." oregano thought for a moment then said, "Good thing I have a 2.4 Gigahertz phone, I will go get it." While oregano was gone Jamesy turned to Amy and said, "Confound it, he is too slippery. But wait till he gets back, I will get into that apartment one way or another." oregano returned with the phone and handed it to Amy who walked a little way off and pretended to make a call to her mom. And while she did that Jamesy said, "oregano, that was a rough train ride out here to Evanston (this Earthly paradise) and I need to vacate my bladder, is it okay to go up and use your toilet?" oregano saw that this might be coming and explained how he was currently bleaching his toilet and that flushing it right now would mean all that work so far would be for naught having to start over. Jamsey flashed Amy a look of disappointment. She got off the fake phone call with her mother and said, "oregano, my thirst is parched, perhaps you can afford a cup of water for a weary traveler?" oregano replied, "sorry I don't have any glasses or cups." Amy said, "well I can come up and drink from the sink's spigot." oregano said, "Let me go see what I can do." He then went up in the elevator. Amy turned to Jamesy and said, "I think we have exhausted our options if he comes down with a frying pan full of water." oregano did come down, but it was with a can of seltzer water, which he proudly handed to Amy in what he thought was her time of need. Amy looked at Jamesy and Jamesy looked at Amy and both laughed and then Jamesy said, "Lets go get some pancakes." æææææææææææææææææææ æ Æfterthought(s) æ æææææææææææææææææaæ Friends I am worried. It has been brought to my attention that the world's attention has been stolen by two dark and evil forces: ninjas and pirates. Riding on a wave of cool, ninjas and pirates are infiltrating our culture at an alarming rate. One would think that the peglegs of a pirate would make it difficult to blend in with society, but where pirates fail, ninjas use their extra special super powers of stealthiness to blend in. From teaching in elementary schools, to selling records and renting videos, ninjas of varying degree of skill have taken hold of important cultural positions and have no intentions of giving them back. While pirates use their powers of treachery and piracy to do evil pirate like things, we sit back and allow it all to happen as part of a trendy movement of cool. But I'm going to let you in on a little secret, NINJAS AND PIRATES ARE PLANNING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND MAKE IT VERY UNSAFE FOR HAMSTERS AND LASERS. DON'T BELIEVE ME? WELL WE KNOW THIS FOR A FACT BECAUSE ANGSTMONSTER EMPLOYS A NINJA! Not all ninjas are bad, in fact there are some very nice, kind cookie eating ninja types. For instance, the ninja here at angstmonster (who shall remain nameless for his protection) like cookies a lot. Sometimes he'll come visit me with a batch of homemade chocolate chip ninja cookies which are shaped like throwing stars. Should he need to, said ninja could destroy an army of evil robots with a single batch! And what's even better, they taste just like your mom's homemade cookies! DOUBLEPLUSGOOD EXCITEMENT ALL AROUND! So this cookie baking ninja we employed once revealed to us the DOUBLEPLUSSECRET PLAN of ninjas and pirates. For a long time we didn't believe it was so because he was awfully drunk that night and for all we knew he was making it up to throw us off. Unknown to the public for a long time, certain members of angstmonster have been taught anti-ninja and anti-pirate fighting styles should the great revolt and infiltration of the ninja pirate alliance ever occur. While the angstmonster plan for averting ninja and pirate domination must be kept on the down low, our trusty readers, the loyalists to the cause, friends of the society to bitch smack ninjas and pirates, can know that the only way to stop such an upheaval and shift of societal power is with hamsters and lasers. It is no coincidence then, that at the end of this month, angstmonster will be releasing a very special theme issue dedicated to the power, shock, and awe of hamsters and lasers. We invite you, regardless of your inclination to ninjas and pirates to contribute to said issue. It's not like it has anything to do with ninja and pirate backlash. No harm intended what so ever... BUT IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN WALK INTO A PET STORE AND BUY A NINJA OR A PIRATE! AND LAST I WAS IN A PETSTORE CHECKING OUT THE HAMSTERS, THEY WERE NONE TO BE FOUND! HAMSTERS ARE SO POPULAR THAT THE PETSTORES CAN NOT KEEP THEIR SUPPLIES PROPERLY STOCKED! COME JUNE 30TH, YOU NINJAS AND PIRATES ARE GOING TO SEE THE TRUTH AND REALIZE, YOU'RE RETREAT IS IMMINENT! _____ / |\ |\ /\ |\ | \ | | |/ |/ < > |/ | * / |_| | | \/ |\ | * FRIENDS: http://www.bubblemonkey.org/cheesencrackers/ !CHEESENCRACKERS! http://www.neo-comintern.com *THE NEO-COMINTERN* http://www.textscene.com CURRENT TEXTFILE SCENE OTHER THINGS WE DO: http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/turd THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT! http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/il +iMPULSE LAMEALITY+ ?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿? What you have just read was a step into the unknown spontaneous and poorly edited thoughts for sharing collectively known as "Angstmonster." All thoughts on the matter can be sent to or you can just visit the site http://www.angstmonster.org and see what you think. Submissions of all sorts are welcome! Everything from prose and poetry to rants and opinions, creative text art, recipes for yummy food, reviews of stuff, etc. Thanks and enjoy your day... copy-spwep 2003 issue 28 angstmonster.org 06.02.03 Feel free to redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. (and stuff)