Ć*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*Ć * __ __ * + _____ ____ ____ ______/ |_____ ____ ___ ______/ |___________ + * \__ \/ \ / __ \/ ___\ __\ \ _ \/ \/ ___\ __/__ \_ __ \ * + / __ \_ | \ /_/ >\__ \| | Y Y \<_> ) | \__ \| |\ ___/| | \/ + * (____ /_| /___ /____ >|__|__|_| /___/__| /___ >|__| \__ \|__| * + \/ \/____/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ + * 06.30.03 angstmonster issue 30 * Ć*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*Ć Ąedited (poorly) by girĄ hamsters are peaceful and do not ask much lasers do not care for that which hamsters desire therefore I see no conflict DDDDD DDDDDDDDD DDDDD DDDD DDDDDD DDDD DD DDD DDDDDDDDDDD DD DDDDDDD DD DDD DDD DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD D DD DDD DD DDDDD DDDDDDD DD DD DD DDD D DDD DD DDD DD DD DD DDD DDDDD DDDD DDDDDDD DDDDDD DDDD DDDDD DDDDD DDDDDD DDD DD DDDDDD DD DDDD DDD DDDDDD DDD DDDD DD DDDD DDD DD DDD DD DDDD DD DDD DDDD D DDD DDDD DD DD D DD DDD DDDD DDD DDDDDDDD DDDD DDD DD DDDDD DDDD DDD DDD DDD DDD D DDD D DDD DDDD DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD D D D Angstmonster issue 30 DD DDD D Hamsters & Lasers 06.30.03 DD DD D D DDDDDDD D D D DDDDDDDDDD D D DDDDDDDDDDD vor D DDDD D D D D DDDDDDDDDDDDDD DDD D D DDDDD D D D DDDDDD D D D D D D D D D DDDDDDDD DDDDDDDD When hamsters pack laser styled heat, things get too sweet... §+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ĄcontentsĄ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§ + + + Brief words from gir + + Your First Zombified Hamster... ansi bunny + + The Truth About Hamsters Lasers Ninjas Pirates & Zombies jynx + + A love letter misty + + THE STORY OF THE SHOES incendium02 / jynx + + Dusting the Katana zeng + + Being Bi in Delaware 2nd level fighter + + Hi, So, You're Two Weeks Old kitten echo + + carnivorous capers trilobyte + + HCSL - Hamster Control Space Lasers vorstyles + + When I Was A Hamster oregano + + Leeloo BOOM! gir + + True Stories from Total Liars peith + + Hamster Tale alice + + blah your hamsters steak + + Jesus is a Murderer bmc + + A Tale of Two Hamsters and A Tale of Two Lasers nyar + + MINI-MAN vs. BOB THE SCIENTIST tildaq + + Kee-KÜ the super spy hamster ch33z-1t + + A New Method of Hamster Identification oregano + + Hamster, meet Laser estell / gir + + + §+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ĄcontentsĄ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§ auri 0: i should write you an article on hamsters and lasers while i'm high hamster is in german slang another word for penis... if there's one thing girl hamsters can agree on it's that the gamecube is evil and must be repeatedly marked dwarf hamsters are totaly turd machines do hamsters have scrotums? laser is stronger than straightedge staightedge beats smoke and smoke beats laser I think a hamster just knocked something down don't be a hamster fascist i better see some fuckin hamsters and lasers or no one gets out alive maybe every issue should be hamsters and lasers --------------- : Brief Words : : from gir : --------------- THIS IS THE HAMSTER AND LASER ISSUE! But it's not like you didn't know that, what with the hamster and his hi-tech piece, carefully guarding the contents listing of this installment, this amazing, insane, ravishing, super duper, flat out just needs to be said, BEST PART OF ANGSTMONSTER EVER! If you are a believer, this is what you have been waiting for, with more hype than the Matrix Reloaded, ANGSTMONSTER is going to DELIVER THE SHIT TO YOUR DOORSTEP SO YOU WON'T EVER FORGET WHO'S THE AUTHORITY FOR DROPPING SICK ASS THEME ISSUE STYLES THAT BLOW UP AND CAUSE TEXT SCENE WARS TO STOP OUTRIGHT IN SHOCK AND AWE! THE THIRD IN A SERIES, HAMSTERS AND LASERS WILL FUCK YOU UP! "But wait gir, third in a series? I thought there was only ONE other theme issue of angstmonster, the sock puppet issue which up until now was the greatest issue of angstmonster ever. What gives?" That was a typo, there are really only two theme issues of angstmonster to ever exist, unless you count the closest thing to failed angstmonster has ever done, the ANGST theme issue. One would expect the normal flow of angst to be taken up a couple of notches and as apparent, that did not happen. Kind of like that brother you had that your parents kept in the basement and would never mention, there was no second theme issue of angstmonster until now... Coming back from a near failure can be a difficult task and that is why we decided to go with hamsters and lasers, two steadfast staples of any home that never fail! Think about how a hamster runs around in its ball as much as it can! NOTHING EVER STOPS IT! A hamster can be left to run around in his ball for hours on end, provided he stops or water breaks ever so often, and remains a HAPPY LITTLE HAMSTER the whole time. He might end up with poo on his back and smelling like hamster pee, but what the fuck does he care? If YOU had a ball you could run around in all day, how much would getting poo stuck in your hair really bother you? Probably would, wouldn't you? Most people for some reason can't get the idea out of their head that having poo stuck to them is icky. Sometimes people are just too worried about their appearances and give situations to enjoy themselves. Take a lesson from the hamsters of the world and learn to rock out even if you're covered in shit. You will always have the chance to clean your own shit out of your hair, but for all you know, this may be the last chance you ever have to roll around in a giant plastic ball. Which brings me to lasers. Now that everyone knows how cool hamsters are, we must consider the laser. For that I went to one of TWO laser experts to be found in the TEXTFILE community, trilobyte... i am not gir: what is it about lasers that makes them so much cooler than hamsters? tril64: hamsters have small teeth but tril64: lasers have big metal penis-shaped things tril64: hamsters can crush under your feet tril64: but lasers can crush your feet tril64: hamsters eat things smaller than them tril64: but lasers blast things bigger than them tril64: hamsters are not used in medical experiments regarding cosmetics tril64: but lasers wear lipstick tril64: and, therefore, are sexy. As stated, lasers are sexy and sexy cool. Being that hamsters are cool and lasers are cool, wouldn't their combined forces just form more cool? NO! YOU COULDN'T BE FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH! HAMSTERS + LASERS EQUALS SOMETHING THAT WORDS CAN NOT DESCRIBE! IN FACT THIS ISSUE OF ANGSTMONSTER MAY BE NOTHING BUT OUR ATTEMPT IN VAIN TO EXPLAIN HOW FUCKING COOL HAMSTERS AND LASERS CAN BE WHEN THEY JOIN FORCES. in the year 2521 hamsters were bread into killing machines completely with organic laser mounts in place of cheek pouches now these hamsters are quite viscous and not just with each other an army of them, raised by the european union laid waste to most of central africa until the african bred a new variety of war elephants that were 25' tall and shot fire from their eyes and lightning from their arses ----------------- : Your First : : Zombified : : Hamster : : by ansi bunny : ----------------- Greetings tasty brains of the planet earth! I am the one and only ANSI BUNNY, brother of the late ASCII BAT, son of the king of zombies, BOG! I come to you today as part of early negotiations with gir on the ownership and future of TURD, the premiere electronic magazine for zombies of the universe. Upon completion of a yet undetermined number of articles for angstmonster, I shall be transferred control of TURD and it shall be once more under the control of a zombie and now an impostor! But keeping all that brief, here is my how to on keep zombified hamsters as pets. It's more than a coincidence that hamsters make the best zombified pet and that angstmonster has decided to devote an entire issue to them. With his now zombified brain, gir has undergone many changes that are not limited to wanting to ahve a zombified pet and also wanting to amass a cuddly army of zombies. While my howto does not cover amassing a cuddly zombie army, learning how to raise zombified hamsters may prove useful to you should you later wish to amass an army. Your first step is to get a hamster. While it is possible to obtain an already zombified hamster, it is a difficult process. Unless you have strong ties in the zombie world, I would suggest against it. Besides, it's more fun when you DO IT YOURSELF! So go down to your local pet store and find yourself a hamster! It doesn't matter whether it's a male or female, nor its breed (although prices may vary) Make sure that the hamster is healthy. Thinking that buying a sick looking hamster will quicken the zombie making process is WRONG! YOU ARE WASTING YOUR MONEY IF YOU PURCHASE SICK HAMSTERS! Expect to spend no more than $20 on your hamster and that's only if you think having a black bear hamster is important. It's a matter of personal preference, so take time and care into picking out your hamster. Be prepared to obtain food, bedding, and a cage if you do not already own them. For the first few weeks, your hamster to be zombified will live the life of a normal hamster in which you and said hamster will become very close. The bonding that takes place during this period will make or break your success as a zombie hamster wrangler. Do not come into the zombified hamster world thinking that raising your own zombified hamster is an easy task. This is something that takes dedication and a little bit of extra special care above and beyond caring for a normal hamster. Even experienced hamster wranglers and breeders have failed at raising zombified hamsters. If you are able to get be with just a plain old lovable hamster as a pet, do not go any further or ever feel that you have to be the cool kid on your block and have a hamster that requires brains in its daily diet. The majority of most zombies you meet will agree that regular hamsters make the bestest pets. But sometimes, just like with humans, you can see inside the hamster soul and know that there is a zombie lurking in there, waiting for its first taste of brains. Just promise me, you won't make the mistake of my brother and corrupt someone with the taste of brains when they aren't ready. Do not force zombism onto a hamster. For many, the responsibility of being a zombie is suddenly thrust upon them and it is a difficult thing to live up to. If you are to zombify your hamster, do so with as much loving care as you can. Once the process starts, it can not be reversed. The taste for brains will not stop, no amount of hamster treats can compare to the numminess that is brains, especially to a hamster. Which brings me to the really important rules about feeding zombified hamsters. While it is ok to feed them after midnight (since it's always after midnight) DO NOT EVER FEED YOUR HAMSTER BRAINS THAT HAVE NOT BEEN CAREFULLY PREPARED BY A LASER LIKE PRECISION OF CUTS AND ROASTEDNESS! So does that mean if you don't have access to a laser that you can't raise zombie hamsters? Yes. Yes it does. But knowing the angstmonster crowd, most of you have lasers. So that won't be a problem. Laser ownership is THE determining factor in raising zombified hamsters, as it SHOULD BE WITH BRINGING NEW BLOOD INTO ZOMBISIM. BUT SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND... ------------------- : The Truth About : : Hamsters Lasers : : Ninjas Pirates : : & Zombies : ------------------- Upon reading issue number 29 and still having 7 hrs and 47mins to burn I have decided I will let the proverbial cat out of the bag and let you in on a true zombie secret. I didn't mean to gir I swear they need to know. A war has ravaged the northern most reaches of Canada for almost 3 days now. Apparently due to the ninjas magic ability to jump fly appear disappear and all other manner of secretive sly devious things they have discovered the secret pact between the Might Laser Wielding Hamster Empire and the United Zombie Coalition. In the most crucial part of the pact it states "for rights to brains the zombies will serve as human shields for the hamster army *you cant die if you're already dead right?* because pirates and ninjas use cannons and swords which don't hurt zombies *where as lasers do cause they burn*. Now it is truly dubious that the ninjas have discovered the secret zombie weakness. But we have crucial information of their own seeing as zombies can be anyone we have a few zombie ninjas and high ranking buccaneers in their army and we have discovered that the pirates are creating a large vegetable launching cannon *codename VLC* to distract the hamsters while they set fire to us zombies. This will severely lower the hamster's defenses. So we are currently hiring someone to create anti-fire safe zombie suits that do not contain asbestos for us. The reward will be you weight in brains and spinal fluid... Peace Always The Truth About Hamsters Lasers Ninjas Pirates & Zombies ----------------- : A love letter : : by misty : ----------------- dearest Hamtaro... i'll never forget that first time i saw you...in plush form on the toy aisle at wal-mart. i thought to myself, 'what is this sweet vision before me?!' and in seconds, i had deserted my significant other and rushed to your fuzzy little side. i'll never forget picking you up and squealing..."ooh look! there's a video!" and "i think he's a HAMSTER!" now in the past, i didn't have the best of experiences with hamsters. i feel that i need to disclose this to you before we can go on together. i've found that hamsters only left me lonely and wanting more out of a relationship. the first hamster to enter into my life went by the name of Hershey. the painful truth is, Hershey was rather violent with me. whenever i tried to get close to me, he'd react angrily. i had to use make-up and band-aids and well placed gumball machine rings to hide the bitemarks! i never thought i'd be the sort of woman who stays in an abusive relationship. but when Hershey would look up at me with that little hamster face and turn over onto his belly, well, i just couldn't resist him. i knew i was loving the wrong kind of rodent, but i couldn't stop myself! in the end, Hershey ran away with another female. my mother told me about it one evening after school. she revealed the sordid details of his long-term affair with that trashy mouse living in our bathroom. she told me that she'd seen them together earlier that very day. when i went to his cage to confront him about his gallivanting ways, Hershey was gone. i never saw him again, thought it was rumored that he and his new paramour had some scandalously mixed breed ham/mouse children. and on that day, my darling Hamtaro, i vowed that i would never commit myself to another hamster. i vowed that i would never again allow myself the pleasure of holding soft, supple hamster flesh in my hands. but there you were, my sweet Ham-ham. beckoning to me with wide, innocent eyes. looking for love and kisses. not striking out, not smelling like hamster shit, not drowning in your food dish. perfect. three days after your tender visage came to me in the toy section, i saw "Hamtaro" for the first time. your adorable hijinks on the cartoon network stole my breath and quickened my pulse. i'll never forget the way you cocked your head slightly to the right and stared out of that television screen. it was as though my heart were penetrated by that sweetly, sexy, hamster gaze. you had me at "heke"! i immediately returned to my local department store and purchased all the hamtaro merchandise i could muster. somehow it seemed alright that i was spending so much money on you. i wasn't giving in to the japanese plot to brainwash our nation through animation and then shoot lazers into our skulls. no! i was just living! for the first time since my girlhood, i was feeling the sheer unadulterated, unmatched pleasure of rodent love. i guess what i'm trying to say is...thank you, Hamtaro, for restoring my faith in the hamster race. thank you for not crawling into my closet and being smashed by a fallen shoe. thank you for never forcing me to clean out your cage. thank you for your humorous yet importantly moral messages that i'm sure are meant specifically for me. thank you for showing me that an animated love is just as deep and true as any other. you make me want to "get a hundred on my test"! forever yours, misty m.r. skaggs, esq. ---------------------- : Dusting the Katana : : by zeng : ---------------------- The evil beings known as "hamsters" must die. I am dusting off my katana after I write this file. The evil ones must be stopped. Several years ago I lost vision in my left eye as I stabbed it several times with my pencil in school. The reason I stabbed myself in the eyeball was because of some lamer who just kept playing that stupid hamster dance website. I do not believe any human could have came up with anything as evil as that website. Being a one-eyed ninja has it's advantages, I have since trained myself to fight blind-folded against those evil bastards known as elves that Santa Clause hires once a year to do his bidding. For the fore-mentioned reasons I am joining the fight and will slay those EVIL hamster bastards until I draw my last breathe. They must pay for the loss of my eye and sanity. ---------------------------- : THE STORY OF THE SHOES : : by incendium 02 and jynx : ---------------------------- This is a co-written story from the mildly insane genius of Jynx the zombie and Incendium 02 the squirrel with an avid fascination with fire. Firstly to clear this up I realise that there will be readers out there who have no doubtably read the harry potter series. I for one haven't and no you smelly pigs i did not steal my name from it. I have used this name since the origins of time and ever since that glasses wearing kid who enjoys having a piece of wood propelled up his ass has entered the scene i have been bombarded by endless amounts of 8th graders assuming that i too have indulged in these satanic activities. Nothing against reading, i myself am an avid reader but unlike those irritating wenches who read the potter series i prefer to read things such as those written by the legendary Raymond E Feist. Now that's cleared up, onto the story. The story of the shoes. One day a long long time ago a gorgeous pair of shoes wondered through Canada. and it was on this day that this gorgeous pair of shoes encountered an evil pair of mountain boots hell bent on shoe store domination needless to say the gorgeous shoes instantly fell in love But the poor gorgeous shoes would be sorrowfully dissappointed as it turns out these mountain boots were already in love...with each other (This is Canada after all) Now the evil mountain boots hell bent on shoe store domination decided that having a gorgeous pair of shoes on their side would be handy So using the gorgeous shoes infatuation with them, they used the shoes to do a mission...A terrible mission...A Terrible mission to... totally secure the laser wielding hamster market. For hamsters have four feet and thus more shoes are needed. With the laser wielding hamsters behind them they could rule the world The gorgeous shoes determined to win the heel of the evil mountain boots set out on this mission, and thus arrived at laser wielding hamster central (i remind you again that this is Canada) now the laser wielding hamster unit LMCHU was on patrol and spotted the gorgeous pair of shoes and launched a patriot missle at canada but it missed and hit Iraq "DAMMIT!!! we could have won world credit" said unit LMCHU "Now Bush is gonna hate us, there goes all his investments, looks like were gonna have to bill lil old Australia" suddenly a massive zombie wombat burst through their defenses and the gorgeous shoes said "Thank you Mr Wombat you saved my life" and the wombat shat all over the shoes and squashed them THE END Thank god thats over with i agree oh and by the way the evil mountie shoes managed to take over Canada, no one seemed to notice, either that or they didn't care. and now me and jynx shall return to our wombat burrow in the hills of Tasmania ------------------------------------ : Being Bi in Delaware : : An exercise in futility : : courtesy of Second Level Fighter : ------------------------------------ A new article, a new level. 2,000 experience points have been attained. :) So I'm not gay -- this is obvious. But I do enjoy the man-sex. The problem with that? Well, in addition to being, like, 190% white, Delaware (outside of Rehoboth and the various drama departments) is also an equal percentage of straight when it comes to guys. The problem with that is that I've really been looking forward to trying out La Vida Homo once again. Yet, this means that I would, in theory, have some sort of aversion to dating girls. Far from it. I just get so interested in this new part of myself sometimes that I feel guilty for having straight feelings and thoughts. I shouldn't, naturally. I mean, straight was here first, and gay got here just a little over a year ago. Crazy to feel guilty for something such a part of myself. But yes, 2nd Lvl. Fig. indeed needs to work this out. Coworkers can be so attractive at times, and yet... he's a religious studies major from Louisiana who attends Liberty University (in Lynchburg, VA, home of Falwell's crew). How could he possibly either a) be gay or b) be open about it? But he's so cute it's infuriating. Infuriating that he has no idea, that I could never tell him. Well, I can tell him now since he quit the job, but I don't see him around now. In Virginia... well, to quote Jess (a friend of mine from DE): "Zac, only you would realize your feelings for a girl at a gay pride festival." To which I said "Shut up!" in a voice that lacked conviction. And now a brief interlude... [Captain Hamstar of the Gamma Exercise Ball Fleet fired his entire arsenal at his natural predator, Comrade Wal-russ. Lasers everywhere! Explosions all around! A ship shaped like an ice floe!] And now back to the article... So yes, I am in fact realizing my feelings for a special lady in my life, Virginia Kim, even as I ascend to the position of co-chair for GMU's pride group. Go me! Delaware reminds me of how gay I could be. Virginia immerses me in gay-itude, to the point that I realize how straight I can be. It's ka-wazy like that. It also makes me a token rebel. I mean, wherever I am, I realize my differences from others and incidentally attempt to accentuate them. All part of being a fighter, I guess. "Born to fight, born to win, we all were born to be skins..." [courtesy of The Oppressed]. I'll be back in VA for a few weekends out of the summer, so I'll experiment with various feelings and keep you all on top of things. Second level fighter, on his way to third. Signing out. -------------------------------- : Hi, So, You're Two Weeks Old : : by kitten echo : -------------------------------- Mew. So, once upon a time (before your mother was born and after your father was), in the mountains in Bolivia...Well, actually this happened like, two weeks ago...there was a girl named Peru who had three hamsters by the names of Timmy, Bra, and Caribian. Spelt just like that. One of them was a movie star sort of, in lots of Bolivian hamster commercials (The Bolivians were trying to get people to like hamsters because up until then they liked cats, etc.,etc., not enough hamsters, hamsters are good for the environment, lalala). I think that one was Bra. I mean, it would only make sense. Caribbean spent a lot of time in his wheel driving Peru and her mommydearest crazy, and Timmy spent his time listening to The Clash so much to the point that he devised a stratagem. I mean, who wouldn't, listening to "Spanish Bombs" over and over again? I know I couldn't resist. In fact, I haven't! But anyway. Since this is the hamster and lazers edition of your loverly zine, m'darling, you can guess what he made, [gir: a hamster?][moi: No! Lazergoodness. I already mentioned hamsters. Threeeee(!)] and he blew up the Earth. And things started growing back kind of quickly. First mold, than moss, then then the sweet baby Jesus, then mini-malls, then hamsters, then humans, then burgers, then vegan burgers, then warts. And we came here. With things we think are hamsters. But really, the original hamsters were like, four feet tall and two thousand pounds and had no teeth. I mean, he didn't even attack Peru with teeth and things. He licked her, and this made her skin peel. I hope you're not eating. Oh, you are? Didn't you pay any attention to the school teacher people when they were like "NEVER EAT IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER"? This is because of the internet, hamsters, lazers, etc., and me. And this story. But yes. TWO WEEKS! The coolest part of this story is that it is true. And that the Earth that we know was really made two weeks ago, after Timmy blew up the planet. It went "BOOM." And all our memories that make us say "NO! I was here three weeks ago! AND MORE!"? Yeah. That's just faux background information. We're really all two weeks old. Thanks to hamsters and lazers. K THNX BYE. /\_______/\ ------------------------- / \ / \ / . X \ / |- \ | o \ < /\ /\ |- \ /\ / | | W \ \ / \/ \ |_ \/ \/.... / | \ \ / | u u \() ------------------------- |------------------)) (I don't know, I tried). ---------------------- : carnivorous capers : : by trilobyte : ---------------------- BEHOLD! a caterpillar. the poor caterpillar, not aware of its future as a hunk of meat for a carnivorous plant. yes, BEHOLD! a venus flytrap. towering high above the nearby non-carnivorous plants, eyes to the sky, ready to devour its next bit of prey. BEHOLD! it is a sunny blue day. the sky is white with clouds, people nearby are pouting and frowning. everybody seems to have had an aunt die or an uncle pass a kidney stone, and nobody is listening to anything except b.b. king. ALAS! the day is ripe for change: soon a monumental event shall take place. no one will have any clue of its coming, but all (read: ALL) will be aware of its going: the passing of one super-special SUPER DOOPER behold! there well be something to beheld which will be better than all past things worthy of beholding! there will be some extra-special super duper thingamabobber which will outlast all other events in these peoples' minds! there are banners being placed around town with crude clipart of monochrome hamsters on them which say: "BEHOLD!" but with no details. word has it this event is going to involve some super-special ultra-sensitive special kind of toilet paper, which is going to make all the peoples' lives better! and even for those people who don't use toilet paper, somehow it's going to effervesce over into these folks' lives too, and make their lives better ... BEHOLD! rather than theorize on how this happiness is going to effervesce, as it deals with scatology, i'm going to get on with the devouring of liquid assets by plants: BEHOLD! a venus fly trap. the carnivorous plants to eat all other .. uhh ... carnivorous ... plants? uhhmm ... well, you can't have a carnivorous AND cannibalistic plant, because, uhh well you know a plant that eats meat can't eat another plant that eats meat even though that plant eats meat because it's STILL A PLANT. you know what i'm saying? fucked up. maybe cows with their cow disease madness thing well maybe they aren't actually MEAT you know. maybe they're not MEAT uhh because they can't eat each other ... they eat plants, but they're NOT plants. but they can't be cannibalistic because if they eat each other they form this mad disease that is incredibly detrimental to all of ... us. so what's the best way to exterminate a mass amount of COWS? I WONDER IF YOU CAN GUESS IT -- LASER GUNS? no. very close. see, what you need to do, is have a bunch of GIANT venus fly trap plants, and set them out in the pastures by the cows. and then set up a giant wall that is white, like the sky, and at night you have giant entrancing laser shows in the color of GREEN and the cows will all look and think that they can eat it but they'll come near and as they get closer and CLOSER and C L O S E R ... THEY'LL GET EATEN BY GIANT VENUS FLY TRAPS! ------------------ : HCSL - Hamster : : Control Space : : Lasers : : by vorstyles : ------------------ Prepare humanity, for the orbital mind control lasers are almost ready... the government said starwars technology was to hit icbm's like an old favorite video game. This my fellow humans is not true. This document, recently smuggled from the DSL (department of space lasers) tells the sad truth. Don't be caught unprepared. be ready for the space laser initiative. ********************************** Department of Space Lasers Hanger 42 - Site 3 - Governmental Island base Intermail Transfer #217572 Jack Russell - HCSL Project manager Project completion date is now scheduled for 12/03/2003. Hamsters have been reacting well to the mind control lasers, attacking on completion of information download. Worldwide hamster attack is scheduled for 01/19/2005. Please note as follows: All level G-4 and above government employees are now instructed to destroy any household hamster pets for obvious reasons. World Wide Hamster Sales Initiative scheduled for 2004, with budget allocating for 60 million hamsters to be given to foreign children as gift of humanity. With our project nearing completion, global domination is at hand. Please advise PoTUS of updated timetable. Signed (as above) ********************************** So, as you see people, lasers are now overhead, almost ready to turn your household pets into ravaging beasts. They will be transformed into mindless killing machines. I've just gotten in more information from my Mole (not a pun) in the DSL... it seems that the hamsters are now growing at an accelerated rate after contact of the laser. They now are growing to around one meter tall, and weighing in about 250 kilos. They are also downloading muscle memories, giving them advanced martial arts skills. The time is upon us to destroy all hamsters. Flush them, shoot them, burn them... just get rid of them. Protect your freedom, kill a hamster. Freedom Fighter / Hamster Slayer. ------------------------ : When I Was A Hamster : : by oregano : ------------------------ When gir told me about this, I was afraid to come clean. This is not a well-known fact about me, in fact for almost all of you reading this it might come to a shock, but I will tell all now: I used to be a hamster. It is not something I am proud of, but I was born a hamster. I used to spend my days running up and down plastic tubes, or running in place in a spinning wheel. God, how I loved to run, I would run and run and run. I thought I was going places, I thought I was Mr. Important Hamster with all my running. Run all day and run all night. I was a champion runner, I thought. Only later did I learn that the wheel was stationary. But not the balls. I used to get contained in giant plastic balls and then I would jaunt around like a warrior, the ball would move at my command and I would go crazy and all over the room. Crazy me, little hamster, ball of a warrior. But a cute, baby warrior. "Roar." Then one day, in a freak lab experiment I was hit by a radioactive laser beam and I turned into a pile of oregano and I have been so ever since. I like to hang out in tiny glass bottles with green lids now. I dig those plastic screens so I don't exit too fast. Crazy life, but that is story for another time, I just wanted to talk about my days as a hamster. Now you know the truth. Lord bless us all. ---------------- : Leeloo BOOM! : : by gir : ---------------- "I can't believe you left our daughter in your car! It's almost a hundred degrees out there!" "Well, I can't bring her in here." "Give me your keys, I'm going to get her." "And do what with her?" "I'll keep her in my pocket until I go on lunch, then I will take her home." Lunch wouldn't come that day, at least not on time. "Leeloo! Oh Leeloo, what has your mommy done? Has she gone crazy insane keeping you all stuck in her hot car while we're inside selling Toby Keith cd's to mild mannered retards? Come on, don't think your daddy would let you miss out on the fun!" I approach her cage slowly, until I see she's picked up my scent. As I unlock the cage door, she's eagerly awaiting me. It's been a long time since I'd seen her so excited that I rush to pick her up and squeeze her with some fatherly love, but I try to remain calm. If my managers found out I was going to try and sneak a hamster passed them, it would be the end of my career in music retail and I could not stand for that! So off we went, back into the comfort of the air conditioned store and to my register where the line had become backed up with irate customers. A mix of Harry Potter fans and dirty old men trying to conceal their "adult" purchases awaited me and Leeloo as I manned my register. Quietly, I whispered in hamster talk to Leeloo, "Just try to catch a nap. This shouldn't take to long." "What did you say?" "Nothing." I look up. There is man at my register who is neither a Harry Potter fan or a porn purchaser but a ninja! "Are you sure. It sounded like-" "Can I help you sir?" "You can start by telling me what you just said. It sounded like you were talking in hamster. But as I am to understand it, your store has a strict 'no hamster' policy, isn't that right?" "I don't seem to recall anything about it in the employee handbook." "That's funny, because I WROTE THAT HANDBOOK and I remember explicitly stating that hamsters are NOT allowed inside the building at any time, especially when escorted by an employee." "So?" "GIVE ME THE HAMSTER BOY!" "No." "GIVE ME THE HAMSTER OR DIE BY MY BLADE!" With ninja like movement, a handful of Harry Potter fans gather to form some sort of attack position. THIS WAS A TRAP! THEY WERE AFTER LEELOO! WAS MY EX GIRLFRIEND A PART OF THIS!? WHY DOES THIS PARTICULAR CHAIN OF RECORD STORES EMPLOY NINJAS TO WRITE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOKS AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, DID THESE NINJAS KNOW I WAS ABOUT TO KICK THEIR ASSES WITH THE POWER OF THE LASER IN MY REGISTER'S BARCODE SCANNER!?! After the violent fray in which much ninja ass was kicked by my trusty lasertron barcode scanner, I was promptly fired for making such a mess. Just as well, it gave me more time to appreciate the little things in life, like my wonderfully adorable daughter while she runs around the house in her plastic ball. Life is certainly grand, unless you are a ninja. Then your ass just got told by a monster, his hamster daughter, and a barcode scanner. -------------------- : True Stories : : from Total Liars : : by peith : -------------------- When God or Allah or Shiva or whoever created the heavens, the earth, windows, and linux, he/she had a master plan. Accordingly, one species would ultimately survive the test of time and endurance to live until the end of the era which the heavenly figure planned. At the end of this timeframe, the higher power would undo everything and start from scratch, each time making a better and better existence. Last weekend I built a time machine specifically to travel forward into time and discover the ultimate fate of our current excistence. My findings were startling, at best. They make me quiver with fear because human beings will not prevail over time. Coincidentally enough to this themed release of the Angstmonster, Hamsters do, in fact, overrun mankind with their rapid breeding and reproduction habits. Basically a bunch of shit went down at pet stores all over China when a theremone was accidentally developed in a nuclear weapons research facility outside of Beijing. All these friggin hamsters overran the population of China easily. If they can do that to china, you can imagine how easy they took over the rest of the world. The "taking over" part wasn't that difficult for them either. They just overran the humans with sickness and disease when their pellet poopoos got everywhere. It was like plague city but with cut little killer shit hamsters. Soon enough the hamsters found out about God's "Destiny of the universe" and how he/she would erase everything and start over again. They all got super pissed cuz the time to restart was drawing near and the hamsters had just begun their reign as number one species on the planet. Whats the most logical thing to do when you are confronted with a situation like this? Take matters into your own hands. Powered by bacteria growing on the pellet poopoos, the Hamsters, who had gained intelligence with the nuclear-pumped theramones, built a big giant laser that killed God by shooting him/her once a week for five years. Except the leap year week in February. That was an unforeseen scheduling error. The coolest thing about the ultimate fate of the universe is that the prevailing species can use their own shit to power lots of stuff, and their shit comes in tidy, easy to load into power-converter-receptacle cylinders (aka pellets) Wow, that was ridiculous! Hamsters take over the planet with rampant breeding through the help of plutonium and kill god with a shit-powered lazer! Marvel needs to capitalize on this and make a shitty comic magazine for 3 years and then a shittier movie! ---------------- : Hamster Tale : : by alice : ---------------- The first hamster I owned wore white fur with faint tan locks splattered across its back side. It resembled yellow snow. This hamster was named Chexee. Because at the time, my favorite cereal was Rice Chex. And the hamster was also the color of this crispy treat. Chexee had sharp claws. When he crawled across my arm, it felt like pine needles scraping my skin. I still wonder if those ever-so-threatening finger nails aided him when the cats found him. You see, this sad and lonely rodent chewed his way out of the plastic encasement in which he lived while I was on vacation in Florida. No matter how much lettuce and hamster food I placed in the corners of my house, I never once found a morsel of excrement to prove his existence. I didn't get my second hamster until years later. I was at a restaurant listening to a local musician when I conceived a way to end my unbearable boredom. I proceeded to pester my parents to take me to a pet store after dinner. I was going to buy a hamster. My mother, being a collector of beetles and microscopes, naturally was excited about the new addition to our pet roster. But alas! What shall we call him? My father, who would legalize marijuana if he became the President of the United States, won the duel of hamster names, beating down the baby entries of "snowflake" and "snowball" with the name "Doobie". Doobie Rodriguez, officially. I came up with Rodriguez. Doobie Rodriguez was also the color of snow that has been peed on. And his hair grew extra long on either side of his wide butt, giving him fashionable butt-fins. The aerodynamics of those butt-fins would give him an advantage, if he were to ever be entered into a hamster race. Unfortunately, my mother left the top off of his cage (as she tended to do) and finally the furry hamster crawled on top of his exercise wheel and hopped out. A few days later, we smelled a horrid smell emanating from a nearby heat vent. My brave daddy crawled under the house and extracted the hamster carcass from the fiery depths of the belly of my house. My mother was so anguished over this loss that my father had to buy a new hamster for her. She called this hamster "Skippy" because she called the previous hamster "Scooby" and it kind of sounded the same. She called the previous hamster "Scooby" even though it's name was "Doobie" (Doobie Rodriguez, actually) because she liked skipping through the house hollering "Scooby Doobie Doo!" By this time, my mother had learned her lesson and never left the top off the hamster's cage. Unfortunately, Skippy had long sharp teeth. He used these razor tools to gnaw through the mesh screen of his cage and alas, he too escaped. We still have not yet found his remains. Rumor tells me that Skippy joined a colony of nude mice in between the wall framing of my neighbors house, but eventually the mice noticed his difference in appearance, and being the racists they are, roasted him over a campfire for dinner. ---------------------- : blah your hamsters : : by steak : ---------------------- Submission did you say? I'll goddamn well beat you into submission you see if I don't. Well I just might beat you out a submission instead; it's a lot less violent that way and more hamsters get hurt than people. Which can only be a good thing can it not? (That's meant to be ironic by the way; these things will become clear in the due course) Anyway, without further ado I reach deep into my arsehole and bring forth worth a torrent of things ASCII and gross, this my friends, legions and countrymen will not only shake the very computers you are working on but destroy the entire foundations of whichever building you happen to be residing in at this particular time, this my friends is the fabled story (coincidently involving hamsters, and yes-you-guessed-it-by-now, lasers) of Smiley and Doofy. We enter our story one morning. Picture a small room where a child sits lovingly staring into his hamster cage. It's his first pet; he's always wanted one, he's always wanted something that he could look after and watch grow, something to love, something to miss, something to make up for the love he never got as a younger child. The child's name is Little Johnny, and he's presently sitting in his room, his hamster cage and new sidekicks next to him, trying to come up with names for his new love things. He writes down all the names he likes in a little book and picks the ones he likes the best and finally comes up with the names Smiley and Doofy. He then opens the cage and grabs the terrified little creatures and gives them a big old hug. He screams in glee and happiness as he announces to the two mammals that he has finally decided on their names, he gives a big-ol smile and claps his hands in time with his squeaky Orio-ad-kid voice as he gleefully spits out the names 'Smiley and Doofy!' The hamsters look at each other, they both know that they are in for a short life of constant attention, complete and devoted love and possibly most freighting of all; pain; insane, incomprehensible pain. We now leave this room for the time being and jump into the mystic portals of the space time continuum that allow us to magically and literally jump forward six months into the future, don't as me how I do this, I have no idea, I only have powers like this when I'm writing this shit. And we arrive, back in the same room. The wallpapers have changed, the curtains are a slightly different shade of purple but the hamster cage however, remains in the same place. But its old boring pet-shop standard exterior has been replaced by a childish mock shine that has been set up by little Johnny. The cage has been perched on top of what looks like a large milk create that has been completely surrounded by paper drawings and emblems, all portraying in some way; hamsters. Hamster boys, hamster girls, hamster babies, hamster families, super fucking hamsters, everything that a child could possibly squeeze out of their imagination relating to hamsters has been drawn down in fading felt tip pens and blunt woolly colouring pencils. Little Johnny was going on holiday. Well more like his parents were and reluctantly agreed to take him along with them when they realised that it was actually illegal to leave a three and a half year old alone in the house for five weeks at a time. The general holiday stuff was happening all around the house, people were getting changed, suitcases were being packed people were shouting, yelling, screaming, kicking, maiming and there was just a general "family holiday" mood floating throughout the home. But sooner or later the commotion had to die down and the madness had to cease, the family left the house, leaving the hamsters in the room all on their lonesome. Deep inside the hamster cage, in a small dark corner where a couple of small warm-blooded animals had set up their home, straw rustled. First a nose, then a snout, then a mouth and then finally an entire head popped out of the stinky straw. Smiley hamster moved his head around and surveyed the hamster cage. It was a total mess; little Johnny had left all manner of little "gifts" all around the place. Little men made out of cork, paper pictures, drawings and letters. The hamsters just couldn't believe how silly this kid really was. "Something's got to be done about this" said Smiley hamster in squeeky hamster language. Smiley felt Doofy hamster nod sagely in reply behind him in the straw pile. We now exit our story for one last time before the grand finale that will probably disappoint anyway to take us magically forward again five more weeks to the fateful day when Little Johnny's family returned home and little Johnny ran in to play with his hamster friends. It's the same room again, but there is a distinct difference this time. Take the shock that is about to register on your face and multiply it by ten (seeing as Little Johnny is actually living this as apposed to reading it, like you) and you will be somewhere close to the shock that spread across Little Johnny's facial features when he registered the fact that in the time that he had been away, the hamsters, (by their own means) had managed to look up, send away for, receive, sign for and construct without any instructions; the "LASER BLAST TRACTOR LASER 5000 (hard light edition)"" "The "LASER BLAST TRACTOR LASER 5000 (hard light edition)" is a versatile piece of hand crafted machinery that is the solution to today's modern living in the weapons of mass destruction time that we live in. Stand out in a crowd of ultra-evil dictators, be the envy of all your lunatic friends, quake fear into your juvenile enemies and scare the pants of that old man who won't stop talking to you at the bus stop" Read the brochure lying on the floor of the hamster cage, but little Johnny was incapacitated at that present time and could not quite spare the time to catch a glimpse of the glossy promotional material. He was at that time to busy being squashed to death by the awesome power of the laser beam that was emitted by the "LASER BLAST TRACTOR LASER 5000 (hard light edition)." The hamsters reckoned it was poetic justice; they smiled and blasted a hole in the cage and house wall before running down the milk carton, over the never- ending carpet and out the smoking hole in the wall. Only to be eaten by Jones, the house cat. Cats will always rule: Phe4r ----------------------- : Jesus is a Murderer : : by BMC : ----------------------- Who could argue with this when they saw a laser-cannon mounted on His shoulder? At twenty rounds per second, He was killing em faster than he could count em. I asked him was it true that he was the son of God. Wiping the sweat from his brow: "Not today, you son of a bitch." -------------------------- : A Tale of Two Hamsters : : and : : A Tale of Two Lasers : : by nyar : -------------------------- A Tale of Two Hamsters Once upon a time there were two hamsters. One was golden in color and named Fluffy Jeeves. The other was panda bear colored and named Wrinkly Joe. Strangly, Fluffy Jeeves was more wrinkly than Wrinkly Joe, who was fluffier than Fluffy Jeeves. * * * A Tale of Two Lasers Once upon a time there were two lasers. One of them was blue and had the serial number 0012389289. The other was infrared and had the serial number 05926a. Strangely, their names had nothing to do with one another. * * * Fluffy Jeeves was eating a peanut. He loved many kinds of foods, and peanuts were one of them. Wrinkly Joe, in the next cage, was eating a food pellet. He didn't particularly fancy the food pellets, but he was compelled to eat it. All of a sudden his bowels felt full, and he decided to let nature take its course. Nature was being cruel, however, and the fece wouldn't come all the way out. He dropped the pellet and used his mouth to pull it out, and then flung it across the cage. * * * 0012389289 was emitting coherent light. It liked many colors of light, but was only able to emit blue light, being a blue laser. 05926a, on the next table, was emitting coherent infrared light. It didn't particularly fancy infrared light, but it was compelled to emit it. Except currently its switch was turned to off, so it was compelled by nature to not emit any light at all. * * * A hand came into Fluffy Jeeves' cage. The hand grabbed him and lifted him high above his cage. He decided that he didn't like this interruption, and bit the hand. The hand moved quickly to put him back in the cage. The hand then came into Wrinkly Joe's cage. He decided to investigate, so he climbed upon it. The hand lifted him high above the cage, then over towards a large warm body. Another hand came and began petting his head. This made him nervous, and he let nature take its course. The hand did not notice the small turd that was now sitting upon it. * * * A hand came up to 0012389289. It grapped part of its housing and rotated it slightly. 0012389289 was indifferent to this motion. The hand then came up to 05926a. The hand grabbed the housing and rotated it as well. Then another hand came over and pressed its power button. The owner of the hands did not and could not notice that there was a beam of coherent infrared light hitting him one of his hands. * * * Fluffy Jeeves went to sleep. Wrinkly Joe went to sleep * * * 0012389289 was turned off. 05926a was turned off. * * * The End. * * * The End. ---------------------------------- : MINI-MAN vs. BOB THE SCIENTIST : : by tildaq : ---------------------------------- Edition 1: Lasers & Hamsters... Bob, the scientist, was working on his latest rojectpay (that's pig latin for project). Bob decided after his last project that he would no longer deal with hamsters, they were just too flammable. However, with the invention of the human genome multiplier machine Bob figured that one more experiment couldn't hurt. Bob was wrong, very wrong. It was a sunny day in Australia. Halfway across the world on the other hand, where Bob was, there was a tremendous hail storm that was denting Bob's 1972 Yugo but he had no idea for he was in the depths of his lab attempting something that was unheard of by the rest of the world. Bob was using a Human Genome Multiplier Machine (HGMM) to splice just the DNA from his penis with a brown hamster's DNA to try to create a living breathing, stand-alone penis. This was of course not for the advancement of science, rather for entertainment and cold hard cash. Bob new that such a ridiculous creation would surely get him onto shows such as Jay Leno, something on TLC and even Jay Leno. Only then would Bob feel that he had truly "made it." Bob the scientist had forgotten that he left his AOL chat box open which contained the second half of a conversation describing, in full detail, his illegal experiment. The first half of the conversation was erased when Bob was kicked offline and had to reboot several times. The other end of the instant chatting thing was on the screen of the one and only MINI-MAN, our hero! MINI-MAN was a retarded hamster with the head of a man who decided early in his fucked-up life that he would "save all the hamsters of the world from the injustices of the world!" MINI-MAN, in all his prior adventures, never actually saved any hamsters from danger or brought them out of harm's way, in fact, MINI-MAN usually made things worse the harder he tried. But MINI-MAN wanted to hold true to his driving force, his lifeblood and he proclaimed every night through his endearing lisp, "I WILL THAVE ALL THE HAM-THDERS OF THE WORLD FROM THE INDUSTITHESS OF THE WORLD!" He was never discouraged by his own embarrassing failures or his crazy way of proclaiming things. So MINI-MAN put on his cape (backwards) and scrambled on all three of his determined legs over to Bob the scientist's lab. MINI-MAN used his laser guided hack-saw to saw off the doorknob to the lab. This turned out to be the worst possible use for the laser-guided hack-saw which MINI-MAN specially designed because the door was unlocked and MINI-MAN was now left with no way to enter the lab! WHAT WOULD HE DO? "THIT!" MINI-MAN proclaimed as he threw the door knob in a hissy-fit. Much to his surprise the doorknob shattered a nearby window allowing MINI-MAN to enter. Upon crawling in the window MINI-MAN cocked his head and then looked at a small piece of paper which read, "96911." MINI-MAN slowly turned the paper over so that the paper now read, "11696." MINI-MAN had, by pure coincidence, broken into his OWN HOME! He called a cab. MINI-MAN had been successful in getting to the right address, getting into the lab and was now perched high on a bookshelf where he could see the poor hamsters the Bob The Scientist was using in his perverted experiments. MINI-MAN proclaimed out of his the corner of his salivating mouth, "I WILL THAVE ALL THE HAM-THDERS OF THE WORLD FROM THE INDUSTITHESS OF THE WORLD," as he jumped onto BOB face and managed to get his front claw into his mouth. There was screaming, loud banging, clanging and whistles! MINI-MAN felt like he was inside of a tornado as Bob Squirmed around trying to free himself from MINI-MAN's clutch. MINI-MAN had to think fast, which was extremely difficult for him considering his learning disability coupled with the fact that he was constantly thinking about that time in fourth grade when his head was shrunken by a witch doctor and his body was turned into a hamster's. MINI-MAN pushed all of those thoughts aside as he reached into his backpack and pulled out a Laser grenade, another invention which was created by our hero MINI-MAN. He threw the weapon into Bob's mouth and let go. AS MINI-MAN FELL TO THE GROUND HE SAW THAT TEN THOUSAND LASERS WERE BEING EMITTED FROM THE INSIDE OF BOB'S PUNY HEAD KILLING HIM INSTANTLY. MINI-MAN FELT SADDENED THAT ALL OF THE HAMSTERS WHOM HE COULD NOT SAVE WERE NOT HERE TO SEE THIS MOMENT BUT HE KNEW THAT THEY WOULD HAVE WANTED TO BE THERE AND THEY WERE THERE IN MINI-MAN'S HEART. THE HAMSTERS WERE NOW FREE BUT MINI-MAN DID NOT SURVIVE THE THREE FOOT FALL THAT IT TOOK TO ELIMINATE THE EVIL-DOER, BOB THE SCIENTIST WHO WANTED TO TURN HIS HAMSTERS INTO PENISES FOR HIS OWN PERSONAL GAIN. MINI-MAN DID GO TO HEAVEN WHERE HE PROCALIMED, ""I HAVE THAVED ALL THE HAM-THDERS OF THE WORLD FROM THE INDUSTITHESS OF THE WORLD!" Nobody wanted to tell mini-man that research still continues to this day on hamsters all over the world but perhaps some day another hamster, more able than MINI-MAN, will continue what he started. The Mini-man legacy lives on! -------------------------------- : Kee-KÜ the super spy hamster : : by ch33z-1t : -------------------------------- The crowd cheers "Kee-KÜ, Kee-KÜ" as the super spy hamster has once again thwarted the world from being taken over. The super power marijuanians, who as you know are the offspring of a zombie and an African dwarf frog, tried to destroy the world again. Since they lived on the planet Sexsvalvinum and the biggest export of earth is semen and semen kills marijuana. They want earth gone. So they devised a plan, and evil plan if you will, to build a giant vagina to suck up all the semen and then transform the semen into lasers to destroy the world. Earth only had one hope, Kee-KÜ, the super spy hamster with laser beam eyes. That's right mother fucker, laser beam eyes. He was sent to Sexslavinum undercover to find out how to stop the giant vagina. He had to go in dressed as a little "nug" to blend in. ******Special Break!!!: Everyone close your eyes and imagine a hamster in a marijuana suit, shooting laser beams from his eyes! End of special break.****** Of course, no one realized Kee-KÜ was a hamster so the first thing he did was shoot a laser beam from his left eye and take out the Marijuanan's Leader's Assistant. This lets Kee-KÜ get close to the leader. He finds out that the only was to stop the vagina is to create a giant dildo to plug the hole that sucks up the semen. Kee-KÜ relayed this to the leader of the world, otherwise known as Oregano, who starts working on this giant dildo immediately, but this wasn't just any dildo. This dildo, when triggered will start pulsating to the point where the vagina would cease to work anymore. Oregano made the biggest dildo ever, it was only big enough for one hole, the giant vagina's hole. Meanwhile Kee-KÜ got closer and closer to the Marijaunians leader, which didn't work out overly well. As he was found out. Kee-KÜ had stepped out of his marijauna suit to drop the kids off at the pool, this is when one of the the imperial guards spotted he was a hamster. This did not help Oregano, as he needed Kee-KÜ to activated the pulsator on the dildo. But low and behold Kee-KÜ was not caught. He had a body double who sacrificed himself, so Kee-KÜ could activate the pulsator. Now the only dilemma Kee-KÜ faced, was getting from Sexslavinum to the giant vagina. Kee-KÜ soon found out that there was ropes coming from the skin above the lips on the giant vagina. Some of these ropes were short and curly, however there was one that reached all the was to Sexslavinum, used for when the giant vagina needed maintenance. Kee-KÜ started to traverse the rope , making his way to the masterpiece of machinery they called the giant vagina. When setting out, Kee-KÜ knew that this would be a long and arduous journey, but he also knew he must complete the mission. As the whole world depended on him. When getting close to the great hole, he could not help to get by stray semen. You girls (and some guys) know how it feels to have semen all over your body. You get all sticky and it becomes hard to move. This however did not stop Kee-KÜ, this also showed Kee-KÜ's dedication to The Earthly Leader, Oregano. Oregano was sitting in anticipation waiting for the call from Kee-KÜ to say that the mission was accomplished. Kee-KÜ gets to the vagina just before the dildo does, and was there to activate the pulsator. THE WORLD WAS SAVED AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now let's go back to the beginning where everyone is chanting for Kee-KÜ. Oregano is presenting the super spy hamster with a medal of honor. Kee-KÜ however could not accept this medal from Oregano. As he knows some things about Oregano that our readers did not know. Kee-KÜ had a partner, his partner was a mouse though. Kee-KÜ's partner was dispatched to help Oregano, but Oregano saw him as a threat. So Oregano would leave pizza out to catch Kee-KÜ's partner. He caught him once. Then he threw him out into the cold without anything to eat. Kee-KÜ was heartbroken. His partner died because of Oregano's negligence. Kee-KÜ became very angry while standing there next to Oregano. He started to ponder two outcomes. The first, he killed Oregano and then was imprisoned for life because he killed the leader of the world. Number 2, he could accept the medal and hold his rage in. His hesitation was making Oregano very mad. Kee-KÜ looked around the crowd, seeing all the rodent mercenaries wanting Oregano's head on a plate. Kee-KÜ then spotted his partner's family, in a corner crying, because their baby boy was killed by the leader of the world. Kee-KÜ then knew what he had to do. He released a high pitch squeal that only rodents could hear. Calling all mercenaries to the scene. He was going to stall for time, to make sure Oregano paid for his heartlessness. Then it happened. The marijuanians attacked!!! Blowing up everything in sight. Oregano was the first thing they hit. Dying immediately. The marijuanian army was dropping glass pieces everywhere. People were dying on impact. It was a complete disaster. Kee-KÜ started to scramble, he couldn't die. He was a super spy hamster. He then hatched a plan. This was his only hope. He started to kill humans, shooting them with his lasers. He joined the dark side. He was becoming a marijuanian. They saw this and loved it. The earthlings were so desperate to live, they turned on themselves. Everyone started to kill each other to try and stay alive. Then the marijuanians dropped the big one. A 500 foot bong came falling from the sky, killing all the people of earth. The marijuanians had succeeded in their plan to kill all of the earth, to stop the semen exportation. With me now in captivity I must stop this file. Hopefully someone will read this and come to the planet Sexslavinum and save me. The human race just may depend on it. -------------------------- : A New Method of : : Hamster Identification : : by oregano : -------------------------- If you own hamster, and, really, who doesn't, you probably have gotten bitten by the bug and have more than one hamster. And you probably have found that it is hard to tell your hamsters apart. I have a solution for you. Read on. The HamScan system by Ham-o-matic came was dropped on my desk by my editor with the words, "See if this crap works." I opened the box and found a laser contraption with all sort of accessories. The instruction book came with warnings about eye protection and wearing gloves when the laser is in use, but fortunately these all came with the kit. That should get an A+ rating right there. Look at my Olympus digital camera that needs a special battery pack -- sold separately -- just to turn it on. I took the HamScan kit home. I have trouble telling my daughter's hamsters apart. Which one is Snuggles or Snowball or Snowflake? HamScan claims to solve all that. The interface to my PC was pretty simple. I ran it on Win FR, which is not released yet, but only for computer reviewers, but the directions claim it run on anything after Win 3.11 and on all mac platforms after OS 8.6, I will have more comments on that in a future column. Once I had the software installed, I hooked up the laser and asked my daughter to bring me one of her hamsters, but not tell me its name. I then put the hamster in a secure hamster-containment pod, which basically just holds hamsters in place. Then I put on the special gloves and the donned the eyewear. (My daughter told me the glasses made me look like a dork.) I asked her to dim the lights and leave the room. I turned on the laser and attached it to the containment pod and only 30 seconds later the name of the hamster: Snowball, appeared on the screen. It was that easy. I asked my daughter to come in and she verified that is was indeed Snoball. She then took the hamster salve kit and rubbed it on Snowball where the laser had burned away a patch of fur. Besides the mild burns Snowball seemed to suffer no other ill effects, though would not drink water for a few hours. Overall I have to give HamScan high marks. It was fairly easy to use, the user interface was clean and glitch-free. I think the burn marks are a drawback. They seem to heal quickly so that is only a minor annoyance. I will go ahead and give this system an A- mark. A must for any hamster collector. Rating: A- ----------------------- : Hamster, meet Laser : : by estell and gir : ----------------------- TynByrdBlue: girbot like socks! i am not gir: of course i like socks! as any laser should! socks are like the best way to keep a laser who's sleepy in a comfortable place to be kept hidden away from the evils that might take advantage of a sleepy lasers. evils like HAMSTERS NAMED ESTELL! TynByrdBlue: but not holyhocks! TynByrdBlue: but not in a box TynByrdBlue: ::Estelle looks from left to right innocently and shrugs her little furry shoulders:: TynByrdBlue: never would i dare do such a thing as go forth into the sock haven to extract a laser from it's gentle childlike sleep i am not gir: for some reason, i do not believe you at all i am not gir: in fact i am not gir: we have proof of otherwise! TynByrdBlue: You are full of laser shit! I know for a fact that i was never involved in a ploy so vile as laser comfort violations! and i honestly think you've set the whole thing up to get more attention... i am not gir: are you even a hamster? i am not gir: or is it all a facade i am not gir: are you really a ninja i am not gir: or perhaps a pirate i am not gir: or perhaps a peg legged, eye patched ninja TynByrdBlue: i am many things laser. some of those included in your ignorant rant. You do not know what awaits you....but i do! TynByrdBlue: the hamster community has been growing profusely in this neighborhood....many of us in league with the scum of the earth to bring our revenge on you egotistical lasers i am not gir: YOU LIE i am not gir: TAKE BACK THE LIES TynByrdBlue: you lasers are all the same. All bright and full of might....oh yes everyone oo's and ah's as you flash around. i am not gir: HAMSTERS ARE GOOD PEOPLE TynByrdBlue: are we? TynByrdBlue: or are we just cute TynByrdBlue: ? i am not gir: you weren't the first hamster i was paired with i am not gir: my last partner stinky, rest his soul! i am not gir: HE WAS A GREAT HAMSTER i am not gir: HE WAS BEYOND THE CORRUPTION OF NINJAS AND PIRATES i am not gir: BUT YOU ESTELL i am not gir: ARE TAINTED TynByrdBlue: well....i guess it's all in how you perceive things... TynByrdBlue: but it matters not you shall be a puppet in my actions! TynByrdBlue: i shall use your laser qualities to gain my own glory! i am not gir: NO REAL HAMSTER COULD FATHOM DOING SUCH THINGS TynByrdBlue: you don't know what i'm doing! and i'm not 100% hamster TynByrdBlue: my mother was a gypsy married to a pirate and having an affair with a mongoose! TynByrdBlue: anyways i'm a combination mongoose pirate gypsy hamster.... because a freak insemination occurred combining all the sperm to make the being you see now i am not gir: YOU ARE NOT i am not gir: ABOUT TO REINVENT THE BIRTH OF HAMSTERS i am not gir: WITH YOUR LIES! TynByrdBlue: what do you know TynByrdBlue: you are only a laser TynByrdBlue: no brain in there TynByrdBlue: hm....i think i could say my name is estell and you'd say i lie! TynByrdBlue: you are quick to judge young laser i am not gir: no TynByrdBlue: maybe what i do is for the betterment of hamster society as a whole i am not gir: YOU'RE LYING i am not gir: THIS ARE ALL NINJA TRICKS TAUGHT TO YOU! i am not gir: BECAUSE OF YOUR PIRATE LINNEAGE i am not gir: I KNOW NOW WHAT I MUST DO! MY ORDERS ARE CLEAR! TynByrdBlue: from who have you orders? i am not gir: *LASER NOISE LASER NOISE* TynByrdBlue: no! TynByrdBlue: no please! i am not gir: *LASER NOISE LASER NOISE* TynByrdBlue: i must carry out my task TynByrdBlue: !! for hamsters everywhere i am not gir: *DEATHFILLED LASER NOISE* TynByrdBlue: please! i may not be moral TynByrdBlue: but what i do you would think good! TynByrdBlue: please let me explain i am not gir: *SUPER DUPER DEATHFILLED LASER NOISE* TynByrdBlue: thats incredibly intimidating TynByrdBlue: if you don't mind...you could turn it down to laser noise TynByrdBlue: and i will tell you my tale? i am not gir: but i'm shooting you TynByrdBlue: am i dead? i am not gir: apparently not i am not gir: so i guess i am not gir: we have to listen to your tale i am not gir: of hamster imorality TynByrdBlue: haha ::dies:: i wont be ready for sleep for about half an hour can you tell us a story before then? probably not sad STORY! gir wants a story i am empty, no good stories and it is bedtime how about a nice tale of Tort reform i will tell a story then once upon a time there were two little kids wait wait hold the story and their grandmother sent them okay it has to have hamsters and lasers please fine okay, there were two little kids sent into the dark forest looking for a proper Tort that would allow their hamster a lein on an abandoned property so the two kids go out, armed only with a laser and promptly get lost so they knock on a house of a grumpy old she-lawyer the she-layer opens her door and the kids tell her they are looking for torts and she eats them then the hamster gets free and sues the she-lawyer and gets possession of her house and drops the tort petition the end ććććććććććććććććććć ć Ćfterthought(s) ć ćććććććććććććććććać Dear ninjas and pirates, J00 4R3 7H3 5UX! H4M573R5 4ND 1453R5 WIN! love and kisses, the angstmonster staff. (except zhixel who is also the sux for not writing about hamsters and lasers) _____ / |\ |\ /\ |\ | \ | | |/ |/ < > |/ | * / |_| | | \/ |\ | * FRIENDS: http://www.bubblemonkey.org/cheesencrackers/ !CHEESENCRACKERS! http://www.neo-comintern.com *THE NEO-COMINTERN* http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/kob/ |Kids on Bridges| http://www.textscene.com CURRENT TEXTFILE SCENE OTHER THINGS WE DO: http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/turd THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT! http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/il +iMPULSE LAMEALITY+ ?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż?ż? What you have just read was a step into the unknown spontaneous and poorly edited thoughts for sharing collectively known as "Angstmonster." All thoughts on the matter can be sent to or you can just visit the site http://www.angstmonster.org and see what you think. Submissions of all sorts are welcome! 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