V \ \ \_ \,'.`-. |\ `. `. ( \ `. `-. _,.-:\ \ \ `. `-._ __..--' ,-';/ \ `. `-. `-..___..---' _.--' ,'/ `. `. `-._ __..--' ,' / `. `-_ ``--..'' _.-' ,' `-_ `-.___ __,--' ,' `-.__ `----""" __.-' `--..____..--' Banana Juice Fanzine Issue # 4 May, 2003 http://www.shoecandy.com/~cbrenz/bananajuice/ (c) 2002 - 2003 ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ------------------------------------------------------------------- Index / Issue # 4 / May ------------------------------------------------------------------ 1.) Introduction 2.) We Need Help 3.) Freedom -- Whats wrong with this French bashing? (by Nick Velk) 4.) Boy plays hide and go seek; never found (by C.B. Renz) 5.) Politicians; Scum of the Earth (by Nick Velk) 6.) Big Meia -- How are multi million dollar media conglomerates buying up the air waves? (by C.B. Renz) 7.) Clouds -- A review on clouds--fluffy or not? (by Capn') 8.) Ugly fat woman under fire for wearing tight clothing (by C.B. Renz) 9.) Dear Colleen 10.) Local pot head sees God (by C.B. Renz) 11.) Santa's Reindeer to bomb Iran (by C.B. Renz) 12. Poor homeless guy has the bomb; Bush disapproves (by C.B. Renz) 13. PLAYBOY SPORTS LEAGUE (PSL) ------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Introduction ------------------------------------------------------------------- I apologize, but this issue of Banana Juice is coming out a couple months late. I don't mean to make excuses, but we were having web space problems, and personally, I was having computer problems. Still, we have one fucked up, righteous issue of Banana Juice/issue number five. In my opinion, this could be one of the better issues ever and definitely the most humorous. Unfortunately, this could be one of the last text issues of Banana Juice. Our next issue is going paper back--but, if sales are alright, I will release this in ASCII text once again for you text nerds out there! So kick back, read on, grab a banana and enjoy! ------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. We Need Help!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------- Banana Juice needs your help! We have a severe lack of funding (being a teenager, and the most worthy thing I own is a bin of pornos), we need your help to keep this thing going. Banana Juice would like to start a cd reviews section for all the underground local music (Chicago area) that we can get. This cause a problem with purchasing the cds--We can not afford them! So, I have come up with two solutions-- 1.) If you see me anywhere, you can hand me the album that you would like to be reviewed. I am at a lot of shoes in the chicago area, so I have included some pictures (here, and here). I will also try to wear a self made banana juice patch somewhere on my apparel, so you can recognize me that way. 2.) If I have put a pay pal sign somewhere on this site, idea number two is already in effect. The idea is that if you like this site, and want to see it grow, you donate money to us. The first thing I would buy is a P.O. box so you could send your stuff to us. Plus, the money will also fund for us to go to shows, equipment, etc. So, in other words, please help us! We are desperate! ------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. Freedom by Nick Velk ------------------------------------------------------------------- Freedom fries. Freedom toast. Freedom dressing. Sound gay and stupid? You bet. You can thank your local member of Congress for changing the names of French fries, French toast, and French dressing in the House cafeterias. Spearheaded by Republican representatives Bob Ney and Walter Jones, the name changes are meant as a protest against French opposition to the Bush administration's Iraq war plans. "This action today is a small, but symbolic effort to show the strong displeasure of many on Capitol Hill with the actions of our so-called ally, France," said Bob Ney, the chairman of the Committee on House Administration. I guess somebody neglected to tell Mr. Ney and Mr. Jones that French fries originated in Belgium. The "French" in French fries doesn't refer to its country of origin. It refers to the way in which this side dish is prepared. Food that is cut into strips is said to be "Frenched." Since French fries are strips of potato that have been fried, they became known as French fried potatoes, or "French fries." Dumbasses... So this is how our elected officials are spending their time?!? What the hell is wrong with these people?!? It's just food! Do you really think you are helping the country, or anybody for that matter, by eliminating the word "French" from your cafeterias? What's next? Is the government going to outlaw the instruction of French in our public schools? Are we going to stop learning French history too? During World War One and Two, many schools dropped German instruction from their curriculum. During the Cold War, instruction in Russian language and culture went the same way. Are we going to repeat these senseless actions once again? Maybe we're going to bomb the Eiffel Tower replica in Las Vegas. It's no wonder why half the world hates America. America is like a conceited, narcissistic cheerleader: Her head is so far up her own ass that she can't see why anyone wouldn't like her. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. Boy plays hide and go seek; never found by C.B. Renz ------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy is missing following an intense game of hide and go seek this thursday. The boys name is Mikey Smalls, and the incident occurred on 144 W. Green St. on Chicago's lower west side. According to Mikey's friend, Jimmy Little, Mikey has been missing for the past three days. "We were just playing, I didn't mean for anything bad to happen. I told him not to do it," cried Jimmy. "He offered me his fire truck if I played, and it goes vrrrrooommmm, so I said yes." The incident has left the neighborhood stunned. Many mothers are now both angred and saddened by the incident. One of the mothers, Cynthia Kieger, has founded a new organization to help keep kids safe. "We're calling this the Mothers Against Children Having Fun (MACHF)," commented Cindy. "We believe that it is better to be safe than have any fun at all. Our children's futures are depending on it!" While the mothers were teamed up in their fight against entertainment, many officials came in to view the scene--little was found. Local investigators then began to bring in outside help. One source of help came from the University of Illinois' Gregor Mezdel. Gregor Mezdel has degrees in both nuclear physics and astronomy, and has brought up an important theory in the mystery of Mikey: The Black Hole Theory. "When the positive energy is too high in a child," stated Gregor, "this can create a tear in the space time continuum. This would suck the child in like a worm, and collapse due to the matter of the child. It is really quite simple." While many debated over the 'Black Hole Theory', and also Gregor's sanity, there were other possibilities that were put forth. Such possibilities include falling in the garbage disposal, being mailed to China, and even murdered by O.J. Still, many believe that Mikey is still out there. The parents of Mikey Smalls urge you to notify police if you see a small blonde hair, blue eyed boy that resembles a mouse. Your help would be greatly appreciated. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. Politicians; Scum of the Earth by Nick Velk ------------------------------------------------------------------- There's some good news and some bad news in local politics, folks. First, the good news: Rod R. Blagojevich was sworn in as Illinois' 40th governor, replacing George Ryan, who is well known for the "Licenses for Bribes" scandal and for recently clearing all inmates off of Illinois' death row. The bad news? Rod R. Blagojevich is now Illinois' new governor. Blagojevich has been accused of having mob ties and many feel that he owes his entire political career to his father-in-law, Dick Mell, who happens to be an alderman for the city of Chicago. Why are politicians so corrupt? That's the very question I've been grappling over lately. Men like Blagojevich, Ryan, George W. Bush, etcetera, are known as "Professional Politicians," meaning they make their living through politics. Sure, they may have had a career before they were elected to public office, but not anymore. Once they became professional politicians, all else became null and void. Their families are just an obstacle. Anything about their past will just get in the way of their futures in politics. You may be asking yourself, what can we do? Aren't all politicians "professionals" and therefore scum? Believe it or not, no. There are some politicians that were elected to office for some odd reason. Take Jesse Ventura, former governor of Minnesota. He was a pro-wrestler and then he decided to run as an independent candidate in Minnesota's gubernatorial election. Ventura, being a former wrestler, probably isn't that intelligent of a man, but I bet he's smarter than the average politician. With his limited intelligence, he isn't able to get involved with scandals or embezzle money. He just thinks about holding the economy in a headlock and body slamming that abortion bill. All and all, I think Minnesota became better with Jesse as governor. Another example of an unconventional politician is Ronald Reagan. He acted in B-rate movies in the fifties and later became governor of California and a B-rate president. He actually made California a better place and, in my opinion, didn't fuck America up too badly either. We didn't get into any wars George W. and the only thing he screwed up on was his management of the economy during the early eighties (Reaganomics). Then there was Sonny Bono. He was a shitty singer during the seventies and he also lacked intelligence, but he did a fairly decent job as a congressman in California until he skied into a tree. I see I'm rambling a bit, so I'll get to my point: All politicians should die in skiing accidents. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. Big Media by C.B. Renz ------------------------------------------------------------------- Never has there been a more persuasive tool than the media and its airwaves. It is clear that whoever rules the airwaves generally rules the opinions and sympathy of the country's citizens. Unfortunately, the airwaves are getting into fewer hands and releasing fewer opinions as multi-billion dollar media conglomerates are beginning to buy up their competition. It used to be that corporate media firms were only allowed to own one media station per city and were not allowed to own a TV station and newspaper in the same town. But, in 1996, Congress passed a bill that set aside most limits on how much of America's broadcasting industry big media firms could own. Now a third of the country's radio stations have been bought out by media conglomerates and more than three-quarters of all Americans watch television stations owned by one of six companies. This combats the guidelines set by the Carnegie Commission of Educational Television which was written in 1967: "We seek for the artist, the technician, the journalist, the scholar, and the public servant freedom to create, freedom to innovate, freedom to be heard in this most far-reaching medium. We seek for the citizen freedom to view, to see programs that the present system, by its incompleteness, denies him." The problem with "media consolidation" is that multi-billion dollar media conglomerates buy up their competition and then centralize their operations. Not only does this take away from better local programming and more news stories, it also puts forth the possibility of endangering communities due to inaccessibility to the town's airwaves. One case of this possibility would be what occurred in January of 2002 in Minot, North Dakota. In Minot, a train derailed, spilling 210,000 gallons of ammonia. Officials wanted to put out a warning to its citizens through the media but were unable to because 6 of the 7 channels in the town were owned by the Clear Channel Communications, located in far-off studios. Also, a recent study by Columbia University's Project of Excellence in Journalism proves that local programming produces better newscasts with less celebrity profiling and more local stories. And, one of the biggest things the big media conglomerates don't cover is themselves. Most Americans, seventy-two percent, aren't even aware of the debate over media consolidation. And, according to the Center of Public Integrity, big media conglomerates and our government are too tied together to be comfortable. According to the center "the fifty largest media companies and four of their trade associates spent 111.3 million dollars between 1996 and mid-2000 to lobby Congress and the executive branch." Also, from 1993 to 2000, media corporations have given 75 million in campaign contributions to candidates for federal office and to the two major political parties. This means that the government is in the wallets of big media conglomerates and therefore the media conglomerates don't cover media policy debates in their newscasts. Plus, more and more often newscasts are finding it not enticing to challenge the policies that their bosses philosophize so often. One case would be a story that Channel 7 news was doing on their parent company, Disney. In the story it was stated that Disney was not doing proper background checks which were leading to the hiring of convicted pedophiles. ABC quickly dropped the story when it was contended by Disney. This trend of media consolidation brings up the question that if this occurs at the same pace it has been--Will democracy still exist in the years to come? It is true that we are persuaded by television which can be proved by our current war with Iraq and the 90% approval rating of our president due to the media pushing for presidential support and pro-war protests. But, are we on our way to a future dictatorship run by the IBMs and Mickey Mouses? On June 26, the FCC is voting to remove all remaining buying laws over airwaves. Contact your local Congress and tell them that you do not agree with media consolidation and that big media conglomerates should not have a monopoly over the airwaves, which technically belong to the public. Be patriotic, help democracy, and help keep news media independent and worthwhile. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. Clouds by Capn' ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the post 9-11 world, clouds are more important than ever. Without clouds we would be pouned on by extreme amounts of sunlight. Sunlight can lead to skin cancer, and that ain't good. So it would seem like I would be an advocate of clouds and the things that clouds do for society. But I'm not. Now I bet you want to ask me, "Mike, how can you possibly hate clouds. They stop skin cancer. Are you saying you like skin cancer? Maybe even love it?" To that I say, "NO!". How could you possibly ask such a thing. Skin cancer is one of the most horrible diseases of the skin known to man. Acne can't hold a candle to some really nasty melanoma. So, no dear reader, I don't like skin cancer. But that doesn't mean I have to like clouds and you know it. Sometimes clouds can be nice. Those long whisphy clouds you see in the summer while your eating a delicious Eskimo Pie are unforgettable. But for every day of what some cloud-enthusiasts call "wonder-clouds", there are dozens of days of heavy gray clouds that cover the whole sky. Those suck! Not being able to see the blueness of the sky just plain reels in my rod. "Wonder-clouds" are not worth the depressing gray (sometimes black) days of winter. So in conclusion, I ain't a cloud fan and I never will be. Now somebody get me some cotton candy. Hey!, did you ever notice how cotton candy looks like a cloud. I like cotton candy. Change in plans. Clouds (i.e. cotton candy of the sky) are sweeeeeeet ------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. Ugly fat woman under fire for wearing tight clothing by C.B. Renz ------------------------------------------------------------------- An ugly fat woman is under major controversy after walking down a North Ridge street while wearing tight clothing. The incident happened around noon on Sunday. Local pediatrician, Michael Spinner, was receiving his mail when he observed the incident. "I had never seen anything like it," claims Michael. "The ripples in the shirt looked like an aftermath of an earthquake. I have never seen anything more grotesque in my life!" While sightings piled up, police became bewildered. "We've had reports from anything resembling an elephant looking lady to someone who resembles the nutty professor in some way," quoted Police Chief Zimber on Sunday. "We are currently looking into the situation." Local police have put out a bulletin since that report. The North Ridge police urge anyone who has seen a lady with ripples like an earthquake's aftermath in her shirt to please report the incident to them. There will be a reward of five jelly donuts to whomever comes up with information which resolves the situation. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. Dear Colleen ------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Colleen, I've always taken my relationships very seriously, ever since my first relationship back in eight grade. I've always expected (even demanded) a great deal of emotion linked to every relationship. I'm a huge fan of cuddling and sharing thoughts, all those kinds of sweet things. I'm definitely one of those girls who doesn't care what her boyfriend looks like, as long as he's as sweet as pie and just as tasty to talk to. But here comes my problem. I recently went through a very very rough breakup with the love of my life, who I was... lets say very intimately attached to. I feel not like the sweet innocent single and searching for that perfect cutie-pie kinda girl I used to be, but instead I'm desperately trying to get with the hottest guy around... all the time. I've been finding myself doing things I never would have even thought about doing before with guys I've never even met. Is this just a bounce-back craze? Am I just looking for the action I miss getting from my ex? Or have I just changed to a horny slut because I got my taste of sex and now I just want more more more? Please please help! I'm desperately in need! -Desperately Lonely, Trinidad, CO {plain} Dear Desperately Lonely, Life really sucks I'd have to say. I remember my eight grade years! I used to sit by this really cute boy in our German class. Mmm, except now he's not cute anymore, because he got his haircut and he's a gothy punk boy with a really ugly girlfriend. That happens to a lot of boys... it bugs me to the max definitely. And then all the ugly boys grow up to be hotties and that bugs me too. It ticks me off when the really sexy guys hook up with ugly girls, its all like 'what does this tramp have that I don't?!' What really bugs me is when a guy is so gorgeous, but he's all sensitive and wants to like cuddle and writes me poems and stuff. Ick, that stuff just icks me out crazy style. I just want a guy to be big and muscley, and not try to impress me with his big head, I think smart guys are total turnoffs. Oh gosh, speaking of turnoffs, I can't stand guys with ugly teeth! Oh my gosh, some of these guys at school really need to learn how to use a toothbrush for gods sake! Oh my... its so annoying. Especially when a sexy guy has gross teeth, and he all wants to kiss you and stuff and its like 'woah woah' I don't want that crap on my teeth! I (unlike some people) clean my teeth regularly because yellow teeth look terrible! Especially with lipstick, gahross-ness! Even worse when gross teeth have gross lipstick on them! Heheh yuckers! Oh oh, so what I'm really trying to get across to you and all my spectacular awesome readers is make sure you brush and floss and pay attention when you're putting on your lipstick babes! Catch yah on the flip side! MWAH! {italic} Dear Colleen, I was in a seven-year relationship with a wonderful married man I'll call Hank. We were discreet and respectful with his wife. She died three months ago after a lingering illness. A month after that, Hank suggested we date openly and talked as though we were a couple. But, two weeks ago, he canceled our plans at the last minute, saying he had had a "surreal experience" and "what was OK then is not OK now." He would not be more specific. I begged for an explanation and closure. He refused to be more specific and became defensive. We have not spoken since. Colleen, I am still reeling from this because I thought we had a strong friendship and a foundation for something in the future. Friends have told me that rejection of the mistress after the death of a wife is very common. Can you give me some insight into the emotional dynamics of this situation? -Former Mistress in Mourning Brigaton, CA {plain} Dear Mistress in Mourning, Oh my god, this married guy totally wanted to cheat on his wife with me this one time! I was at a carnival and he touched me a couple times in line and said dirty things to me, and he was wearing a wedding ring. Ick, it was pretty nasty I'd say! I kicked him in the go-nads so it was all good after that, 'cause I ran pretty fast. Speaking of surreal experiences, I had one, but I didn't know it until I looked up surreal in the dictionary for my English paper. But I was running down the street from this guy I kicked in the go-nads, and this other guy totally shouted behind me. I turned around and saw that it was my friend Jonathan (oh my god is he a hottie! Yowzers) and after I turned around a car totally crashed into the building like ten feet behind me where I was about to run to! Isn't that mad freaky? Surreal even... at least I remember thinking that after I looked it up in the dictionary. I wonder whats going on at the mall, maybe I could get a dictionary there. The mall has been fairly lacking in hot guys lately, I went there to check some out and they were all pretty gross or with gross girlfriends. Or the skanky ones, I hate the skanky girlfriends! Gosh, all guy are looking for in a girl is an empty head and a full chest! Our peoples in this world are so shallow! Oh crap, I have to go my mom just came home and she's flippin out crazy style, no problem with the help lady! Dear Colleen, I'm so sick of the world. It seems like out of my tight knit group of friends, I'm always the last to know everything. In fact, I'm the last to hear anything period! I found out this evening that my brother has a girlfriend, one that he's been dating for over a year and a half. No one tells me anything, it seems like no one is listening! It seems like I'm not here, or not important, people just blow me off like I'm nothing, like I'm no one. This sick cruel world hates me. I hate it. I hate it. I just want someone to listen to me talk, I want someone to answer my questions. Am I crazy Colleen? I just want to feel like someone cares, like someone feels that I'm important, and that I shouldn't be the last to hear everything. What's wrong with me Colleen? -Lacking Self-worth Dear Lacking Self-Worth, I'm sorry to say, but the other two people wrote a lot of crap about their lives. Here at this Bannana thingy we don't get much room to write our column articles so I am kinda cramped on my space. I'll get to you next time babe, make sure you just read the next issue. Catch yah on the flip side sweetie! ------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Local pot head sees God by C.B. Renz ------------------------------------------------------------------- This Saturday, local pot head Johnny McSmoke claimed to have had an aspiration from god. According to Johnny's remarks, God apparently reached down from heaven and asked Johnny if he had "any Dorritos." Johnny then cleverly answered, "No, but I have some Fritos, man!" Scientists are still looking into the claims. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. Santa's Reindeer to bomb Iran by C.B. Renz ------------------------------------------------------------------- After failing to get the UN on his side in disarming Iran, George W Bush has moved up north in his endeavors (way up north). In order to help his cause, George W Bush has hired all of Santa's reindeer, including the infamous Rudolph, to aid in the United States bombing on Iran. George W. is also dealing with Santa to allow elves to plant peppermint bombs on Iran soil. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. Poor homeless guy has the bomb; Bush disapproves by C.B. Renz ------------------------------------------------------------------- Poor homeless guy Marcus Smith has released a statement to the public informing Mr. Bush that he now has the bomb. Mr. Smith has warned the current Bush administration that if they don't meet his demands, Mr. Smith will bring cruel and certain armageddon to the the world. His demands consist of (1) five cans of tuna, (2) twenty dollars in cash, (3) a new jacket, (4) a new pair of shoes, and (5) a weeks worth of trojan condoms. Bush has responded by calling Mr. Smith a "mad man" and refusing to "meet the demands of any terrorist of any kind, no matter what the costs." Bush has also released a statement quoting, "you are either with us or with the hobos." ------------------------------------------------------------------- 13. PLAYBOY SPORTS LEAGUE (PSL) ------------------------------------------------------------------- Anaheim Anals 83, Richmond Rim Jobs 80 (OT) Richmond, VA. - Mike Cunt scrambled for a loose ball, fought through a double team and hit a lay-up for the go-ahead basket with 2:34 left in overtime and Anaheim (10-1) edged out Richmond (7-6). Dick Isinja had 26 points and eight rebounds for the Anals. Seattle 69ers 72, Chicago Clits 69 Chicago, IL. - Heywood Jajacmi, the Polish thunder, went down under and hit two 3-pointers down the stretch and Harry Testes scored 19 points as Seattle (8-5) beat Chicago (11-2). Mo Pussy led Chicago with 23 points while the ex-Japanese Samurai Master Beta scored 18 for Seattle. Boston BJs 85, Colorado Cornholers. 72 Boulder, CO. - Will Yablowme scored 19 points and Long Duk Dong had 18 points and 12 rebounds to lead the BJs (11-2) over Colorado (10-3), which got 17 points each from Joe Cock and Ben Downansukmi. NEXT WEEKEND: New York Yankers vs. Miami Mighty Fucks Dayton Dykes vs. Detroit Dildoes ***PSL CREATED BY NICK VELK** --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Check out the Banana Juice Website at: (http://www.shoecandy.com/~cbrenz/bananajuice/) ---- Send any comments, suggestions, articles to: bananamanc@yahoo.com *keep in mind, all e-mails may be published unless stated otherwise* ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ V \ \ \_ \,'.`-. |\ `. `. ( \ `. `-. _,.-:\ \ \ `. `-._ __..--' ,-';/ \ `. `-. `-..___..---' _.--' ,'/ `. `. `-._ __..--' ,' / `. `-_ ``--..'' _.-' ,' `-_ `-.___ __,--' ,' `-.__ `----""" __.-' `--..____..--' Banana Juice Fanzine Issue # 4 May, 2003 http://www.shoecandy.com/~cbrenz/bananajuice/ (c) 2002 - 2003 ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________