Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume I,Issue VIII, Year MCMXCVI AD Friday, August 9th, 1996 ------------------------------------------------ 1. Beep Beep BEEEP Kaboom KABOOM! 2. Shall I Compare Thee? by Jason McIsaac 3. The Meaning of Life by Leandro 4. How to take over the world with 10 bucks 5. CON: Okay so we are late. ------------------------------------------------ 1. Beep Beep BEEEP Kaboom KABOOM! by Chris Aberle This is a paper I did for a class, humorous though Modern Safety Alarms are totally inadequate for the protection of idiots from danger, and which deaf people can't hear. Todays average idiot is significantly dumber than their predecessors. Polling the courts show that based on the quality of lawsuits, people are doing acts that particularly stupid, but are not liable for any consequences of their actions. Therefore, to days working world requires safety alarms that actually work. Safety alarms attempt to keep idiotic and innocent people out of danger. Years ago, it used to be that people just weren't aware that a danger existed, and so the safety alarm was conceived to warn people of imminent danger. Then came the lawsuit. It's sole purpose in life is to justify the actions of the stupid. The lawsuit then forced the innocent population to rig the alarms from ordinary signs to annoying beepers. This removed the effectiveness of natural selection, which had nearly eliminated the idiot population. Nowadays, the idiot has flourished, all perils nearly eliminated. People even more stupid are starting to spring up in defiance of nature (dumb idiots?). Safety beepers are loosing their effectiveness. This calls for drastic improvement. The safety al arms now need to be fool proof. An effective deterrent to stupid people might be periodic sonic booms. Really loud ones could be felt by a person lacking the sense of hearing. It would also shake the dumb idiot walking along, giving their attention a real shake. (Anyone with any hearing after the sonic boom gets a $5,000 prize.) Another solution would be mechanical robotic arms that could stretch out and physically relocate the person to a point out of danger. But it's out of the question as some idiot might press assault charges. Hence, we can't touch the person. Therefore, we need a method to shake the person's attention. A bomb just might successfully get everyone's attention. A bomb of small size would move most of the people out of the area, save the dumbest of all idiots. The best solution would be the detonation of a few nuclear warheads. This has the definite advantage of making sure that nobody gets run over. One would never have to worry about anything again. Of course we'd all be safe if we were to hide under our beds for the rest of lives. But, what about the monsters under the bed? Chris Aberle Email - caberle@u.washington.edu Web - http//weber.u.washington.edu/~caberle ---- ------------------------------------------------ 2. Shall I Compare Thee? Jason MacIsaac A Mock Shakespearean Sort-Of Sonnet Occasionally in Iambic Pentameter Shall I compare thee to a guinea pig? Thou art taller and less hairy Relative body mass taken into due consideration; and though both we mammals be Guinea pigs are members of the rodent family where we are in all probability descended from apes Though it is unfair to say that Darwin said this, when in fact what he said was that apes and man have a common ancestor Anyway where was I guinea pigs oh yeah Nor is your body ninety percent arse such as a guinea pig's arse be really you don't have much in common at all forget I even brought it up ------------------------------------------------ 3. The Meaning of Life by Leandro "life adj._ n.1. the general condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, a means of reproduction, and internal regulation in response to the environment. 2. the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual. 3. a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul. 4. the general or universal condition of human existence. 5. any specified period of animate existence. 6. the period of existence, activity, or effectiveness of something inanimate, as a machine, lease, or play. 7. animation; liveliness; spirit The party was full of life. 8. the force that makes or keeps something alive; the vivifying or quickening principle." [Random House Webster's Dictionary, Electronic Edition] Life, and the meaning of it all. It seems that the whole purpose of the human race has been to give a meaning to "life". Honestly it seems that it has no meaning to start with. Or if it does, it's not just ONE meaning, but many meanings. The Holy Grail is the meaning of life, will make us live forever. But thinking about it seriously, don't we all have our own Holy Grails to follow? Perhaps that is the TRUE meaning of life. Finding something which is worth dieing for. And we'll realize how precious life is, how we shouldn't waste it and learn to live it. Don't waste your time doing stupid things, don't delay things you can do now: you love that person? Tell them. Even if you get a NO, at least you will not be hunted by the doubt for the rest of your life. What is YOUR meaning of life? Please send it in. "Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive"[RefAlive] Bernard Fontenelle "Life a sexually transmitted disease which afflicts some people more severely than others"[RefDisease] Unknown "Life is what's going on while you are trying to make other plans"[RefOn] John Lennon "42"[Ref42] Douglas Adams "Life is a bitch and then you die"[RefBitch Many "Life (noun) that property of plants and animals (ending at death) which makes it possible for them to take in food, get energy form it, grow, etc. "[RefProperty] Dictionary "To breathe, love, smile, sleep under the stars,...,the small pleasures. That's Life"[RefStars] Night Panthers "We have to find life's meaning for one reason it doesn't have a meaning"[RefGive] Henry Miller "Life is a Hospital where every patient wants to change to another bed"[RefHospital] Charles Baudelaire "To master yourself, then everything, if there is anything, after that"[RefMaster] Poum "I'm married with children. I don't have a Life"[RefBundy] Al Bundy "Life! Don't talk to me about life"[RefMarvin] Douglas Adams "A twinkies' Meaning of Life is to be enjoyed like the stupid snack cake that...mmm...ohyaah...mmm...can't talk, eating"[RefTwinkies] Todd "Odd Ox" Stadler "Certainly it's not waking up at 700 AM" Judith Krawietz "Don't mean shit"[RefShit] Mr. Natural Norman B. Larsen Quotations take from: http://www.geopages.com/Broadway/2230/index.html ------------------------------------------------ 4. How to take over the world with 10 bucks by El Gato You're bored, you've got 10 bucks, and you need something to do. Well, here's a suggestion, how about world conquest! With just 10 bucks you CAN do it! Here's how. First, walk down to you local Seven Eleven. Unfortunately, for the first phase of this plan, you must conform to society. Try to avoid a glorious shoplifting attempt - it's to risky at this stage. So swallow your pride, and calmly use your 10 bucks to PURCHASE a bag of Chip's Ahoy! cookies (NOT THE SOFT ONES). Note: GotW receives no money whatsoever for the endorsement of Chip's Ahoy Cookies. Sixteen chips in each cookie adds powerful re- enforcement to the apparatus you are about to construct. When you return home, go to the junk droor and grab an Exacto knife (again, no money involved) and cut all the cookies into this shape: /---\ <\ < | /\ \\___\ |__/ \ \ | | ______/ \ /|| \/ \\ \> Now get a nail file, and file the edges of each cookie for approximately 3 days, until each edge is sharp enough to split a hair off your head. You now have a powerful throwing star! GotW scientist have determined that this asymmetrical shape will cause more damage than the traditional star--the diagram is not just a lazy attempt at ASCII art. Next, take you deadly weapons to both a department store and a grocery store (creative people might try to raid one of those super-huge stores that combine both a grocery and department store!). Declare ownership of the store; when they all give you a funny stare as if you're crazy, calmly thrown the Chip's-a- ninja-star at them. As people are instantly decapitated and blood covers the floors, continue hurling them. note 1: Be careful not to damage any merchandise. You will need some of it. note 2: Because of the weapon's special shape, it will return to you like a boomerang. Since it will instantly rip you to shreds when it hits you, please make sure to avoid it. Once the shoppers abandon the store, you have full control. From the supermarket get spam, olive loaf, clam juice, a box of twinkies, cellophane wrap, and some ammonia. From the department store get a raincoat (make sure it fits), some rubber boats, rubber bands, scotch tape, a glass jar, and a spoon. Now you are ready to take over the city! Mix the spam, olive loaf, clam juice, twinkies, and ammonia in a big bowl. Now eat about one cup of it. You will instantly vomit after trying this awful concoction--be sure to have the jar ready to catch it as you puke. Quickly seal the jar with the cellophane and a rubber band. When those particular ingredients mix with digestive juices, a radioactive substance is formed. Luckily, you will be protected from this because the mixture has been sealed with cellophane. Find a house that is in the center of the city, and throw the jar through the window. When it breaks, radiation will spread throughout the city. RUN back home, get the rest of the materials you plundered, and go to an area that is radiation free. Put the raincoat on, get a piece of cellophane to cover your face, and seal EVERYTHING with the scotch tape. Put the boots on, punch a breathing hole in the cellophane, and you now have a radiation suit! Go back to the city. Since everyone is now dead, you can declare yourself ruler! Why stop at just a city though? Hell, go for the entire world! By using this technique, you can make weekends just a little more exciting. ------------------------------------------------ 5. Okay, so we are late. by Leandro With shame I'll admit that this issue of CoN has been done much the same way I make lunch when I am too lazy to cook. I open the fridge and pull out whatever I find that does not have green stuff growing on it, does not walk by it's own motive force, and most of all it doesn't talk back at me. We are terribly late, everyone at CoN has been so terribly lazy but we all had better things to do. I had this strange thing about being a photocopier machine and eating burnt popcorn, but perhaps I'll explain that in the next issue. ------------------------------------------------