Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume I, Issue IX, Year MCMXCVI AD Sunday, August 18th, 1996 ------------------------------------------- 1. Alien Encounter or Natural Human Disorder 2. How To Terrorize An Ice Cream Parlor 3. Colin's quicks. 4. Closing statement. ------------------------------------------- 1. Alien Encounter or Natural Human Disorder T'was a brisk morning as the six hikers set out for the overnight hike from their campsite along the shores of Lake Kennabi. Canoeing pour le start of the trial was a long trip on its own, but the real hike was about to begin. The six loaded their packs, each in excess of 50 pounds. As the struggled up and down the high hills of the trial, the began to notice the intensifying heat of the noon day sun and the amounting insects which swarmed around each hikers head like a cloud of black. An hour and a half into the hike, the smallest and youngest hiker, Corbo, began to drop back a bit behind the back. The rest carried on at a diligent pace encountering and conquering many leg burning hills. As they came to a lake by the name of Moore, they decided to drop their load and refresh their dry desert throats with water as they waited for Corbo to appear from the last hill. When all were together, the strapped on their packs again and headed for the dense single track trail towards their destination of Mislaid Lake. The tail Pines and wild Oaks shaded the adventures from the streaming rays of the hot sun and also provided some relief of the mosquitos and black flies. With two beaver dams crossed, hundreds of hills conquered, sweat pouring from each hikers drained body, and 30 km's covered by canoe and on foot, they were faced with the final ascent, 75 feet up a sheer wall of dirt and rock. Hanging on to branches for dear life, the six made it up the cliff and collapsed upon arriving at the top. Half an hour after reaching the summit, the hikers now turned campers for the night, explored their surrounding area loading up on dry pine needles, birch park, and other pieces of wood to secure a fire for the night. Once camp was set and firewood was accounted for, it was time for some cooling off in Mislaid Lake. There was two ways to get in, either climb to the bottom 75 feet down and jump in off the shore, or climb 45 feet down to the cliff and take the next 30 feet in the air to the shimmering surface below. After everyone had overcome their worries about "the jump," it was turing to dusk and everyone's stomach was rumbling for some food. When the blazing fire had turned to hot cinders, the food was served and swallowed, and the bug spray had been applied, had darkness finally fallen on Mislaid Lake. Nearing 11 o'clock, each camper decided to call it a night. As a storm rolled in over the horizon, light could be seen, but no thunder could be heard. Unfortunately, the heat from day had not lifted and the humidity hung low over the campsite making it impossible for anyone to sleep. As the campers lay awake in too the wee hours of the morning, did they each give away to exhaustion from the day's activities and fell into R.E.M. Lightning hovered for many hours over Mislaid Lake, but thunder and rain was never felt nor heard. At the crack of dawn, the campers awoke. All voices were heard except for one, Corbo's. As one would speak to Corbo, the would get no reply. The rest of the campers thought he was just up to take a leak. Corbo never returned from his pis break though. As the campers arouse to see were Corbo was, they discovered that his shoes and flashlight were still there, but he and his sleeping bag were missing. A frantic search ensued. Much to their horror, they found Corbo's sleeping bag right next to the cliff. The emergency whistle was called in to use with three sharp blasts as loud as possible, but after five sets of blast and half an hour, no help arrived. It was now nearing five o'clock in the morning, and Corbo was no where to be found. Yet, somewhere off in the distance, a voice could be heard. Three of the campers decided to investigate it. After throwing on long pants and jackets, the three forced themselves through the thick dense forest green acquiring cuts and scrapes through their pants. After a kilometre in, the came to a tiny lake, one they had seen the day before, and sure enough the found Corbo, sitting on a rock in a T-shirt and his underwear. When all were relieved to have found him, and they were back at the cliff did they try to get some answers. Corbo said he just woke up on a rock with no recollection of how he got there. Corbo said though that he was prone to sleep walking and that was probably the explanation. But how could he have walked through that thick forest, full of fallen trees and rocks, in his bare feet and legs, and not have gotten a single tiny scratch on him. It seemed impossible, but the impossible had just happened that night. Each of the campers had a big question mark on their minds. After the hike back to base camp, Corbo was unusually quiet. When we would joke with him about if the aliens were coming back tonight, he would simply answer with a straight "No." Also, the night after the hike, back at base camp, one of the campers awoke to find Corbo huddled in the corner of the tent. It is highly unlikely that we will ever know the exact truth about what happened that night during the lightning storm at Mislaid Lake, whether young Corbo simply had another case of sleepwalking, or if a alien abduction really did occur. Story told in best recollection by Emmet Stiff ------------------------------------------- 2. How To Terrorize An Ice Cream Parlor The Advanced Tutorial by Werewolf Back in the infancy of GotW, our beloved leader published Group of the Week Number 1, "How To Terrorize An Ice Cream Parlor". This in our humble estimation, was the start of an era. But the time for the simple niceties of anarchy are gone, and while the original article was fine for the up and coming anarchist, we feel that it is now time for a more advanced, and up-to- date guide to the wrecking of mass hysteria and utter chaos in a dairy food establishment. We mean to show you that you can up the cause of anarchy and get a double scoop of Tutti-Frutti at the same time. <-><-><-> NOTE TO THE READER <-><-><-> For the purposes of this article, we are only going to describe how to terrorize a Baskin Robins, for that is where we sent our young acolytes to do the field testing on our information. We believe that the following information will hold to be true for most ice cream parlors. We, however, do NOT take any responsibility for those of you who wish to try our methods out in either frozen custard or frozen yogurt parlors. In our estimation, only effeminate, pablum-puking, right-wing, public domain using, Dan Quayle supporting people would eat the following items willingly. Besides, we didn't have any in the area to test the ideas out on. <-><-><-> END OF NOTE <-><-><-> On to the good stuff... Of course, your first responsibility should be to get rid of the zit-faced, under-aged counter worker. And of course, we here at GotW have, at great expense and indigestion to ourselves, have researched this method till we were bursting with strawberry cheesecake swirl. We guarantee that this method is, by government standards, 100% foolproof. And with the talented fools down at the government, this means that, when you go to try it, anything goes. First, ask the counterperson for an ice cream cone. Nothing yanks their chain like someone just asking for an ice cream cone. When they ask you for the flavor you wish to ingest, ask them what they've got. Of course, by now they're going to get a little upset because the sign with all 30- odd flavors is on the wall behind their head. Make it a point to say that you've forgotten your glasses and have them read the entire list of ice-cream to you. After the first recital, make sure to point out to the helpful young salesperson, that unfortunately, you are also a little hard of hearing, and would they mind repeating the list again. By this time, the counterperson will be screaming the list in you ear. See, your already causing disorder, and we've barely gotten started. Who knew chaos could be so fun? Next, say you can't make up your mind, and would they mind terribly to give you a taste spoon of one flavor. Now, to the unenlightened. A taste spoon is one spoonful of one flavor which they have to give to you free. Make sure to make the counterperson give you a spoonful of each of the 30-odd flavors. By this time, the counter-person is going to be less than pleased with your presence at the counter and you'll probably have started a line backed up behind you. Nice job! Keep up the good work! Now from this point on you have two choices. The first is to thank the young person for all his help, but point out to him that you are either allergic to ice cream and forgot about it, or have a big dinner and don't want to ruin your appetite. By this time, you should run for your life because after wasting all the person's valuable time, he probably will be coming after you trying to kill you with an ice cream scoop. For the second, more satisfying choice, read on...... By this time, you've got 30-odd little purple plastic spoons in your pocket, and a salesperson bent on mild hysteria, so let's give the guy a little leave way, tell him you want vanilla. Now, the normal person would be happy that you just made a choice, but not so here. After going through 30-odd flavors, he would have expected you to pick an exotic flavor like raspberry mucus ripple, but nooooooooo, you had to pick plain vanilla. This is guaranteed to blow a few fuses in the poor guy's head. But, right now, he's figuring he's on the home stretch. How wrong the poor fool is.... Next, he'll ask what sort of cone you want. Use the patented answer, "Ice Cream.". Remember, this is serious business, so no laughing. After hitting his head against the counter, he'll say, of course ice cream, but what kind. Say "crunchy". By now, the guy should be in a mild hysteria, we're halfway there. He'll probably go into the back room and scream for a moment (hmmmmm, that's why they call it an "I scream parlor"), and come out and ask you whether you want a plain cone or a sugar cone. Just take a moment and remark on how wonderful it is that they were able to make a cone out of sugar. Isn't technology wonderful? By this time, he'll give you a plain cone whether you want it or not. Next he'll ask you how many scoops you want. Make it a point to tell the poor fool that you came here for ice cream, and not scoops. Had you wanted scoops, you would have gone to a hardware store. He'll utter a strangled cry of despair and ask how many lumps of ice cream you want on your cone. (We've now just about broken his spirit, we're just about there!) Answer "Two." He'll stand there in stunned silence. He'll be expecting a stupid response. He'll say, "Is that it?". Make sure to say yes. He'll laugh and make jubilant noises and tell you that the total price will be $1.35 and hand you your cone. Rummage around in your pocket for a moment and say "I'm sorry. I only have a dollar. Besides, I think I'd rather have a single scoop, chocolate on a sugar cone." This'll be all he can take and he'll vault the counter screaming hysterically at the top of his lungs. You've completed the first half of the plan. So now we've gotten rid of the counter help, but to finish our master plan for anarchy, we must work quickly before the replacement comes. Vault the counter and empty the cash register. (We always need money for our other anarchial affairs. Besides send a little to the poor schmuck you sent to the sanatarium.) Then switch all the little signs designating types of ice cream in the counter window. What fun you'll have watching the fights break out between customer and help when the customer points to strawberry and asks for vanilla and the customer tells him he's wrong. Change all the prices on the board and send all of your friends over. The help never remembers the prices, so it's .20 shakes for all. Also switch all the topping containers and put mud in the hot fudge dispenser. If you're in a particularly evil mood, throw exlax instead of mud in the hot fudge. Not only will the sundaes taste good, they'll clean you out too..... Also, replace the mocha flavored ice cream with Folger's crystals. They'll never know the difference. Other nasty things to do include: Breaking all the silly purple spoons in half, punching holes in the bottom of the paper drink cups, turning the freezers off (ice cream soup, anyone?), and setting fire to the silly paper napkins that couldn't wipe a roach's ass much less your chin. Also make sure to take their entire supply of paper coated straws. That way you can tear the very tops of them off, and blow little paper missles at everyone there by creating more of that oh-so-welcome havoc we know and love. So ends our advanced tutorial. We have come the full circle by bringing back to you an updated version of an old classic. Watch for other great ways to create anarchy, along with other tips for life. So we close this latest episode of GotW with the question, "If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?" -We will say "Nee!" whenever we like! -We will prove coconuts can be carried overseas by swallows! -Our name is GotW, our quest is the holy grail, our favorite color is red, no blue.......ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! The Official GotW 1992 ------------------------------------------- 3. Colin's quicks (blonde@io.org) What Capital of Nasty (fortunately) doesn't offer, but if you push us hard enough, we might just find some way to please. Catullus Colin Barrett Leandro & Caesarea Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro elam (sounds like some sick, perverted, Hill-Billy fuck) [1:04] *** elam (elam@ppp-6.xanadu2.net) has joined #con [1:04] hi [1:05] Hi elam. [1:05] hey hello elam [1:05] Don Leo, wake up. [1:06] Does this place have anyone who will talk sorry, I was cruising Elam it does now =) [1:06] cool Where ya from Elam (if we can ask) [1:06] Texas Catullus and I run a magazine called "Capital of Nasty" (you guessed it) [1:07] U? [1:07] Does anyone have any pics? what kinda pics? =)) [1:08] the kind of pics that ya gotta be 18 to see! oh yeah, we do =))) here... [1:09] can I see them? [1:09] Well, a little more specific, please. Straight porn? [1:09] Sexual positions? [1:09] Yeh straight porn, any sex position. [1:10] Rape? Kids? Old folks? Gen X'ers? Oh, ok. Let's see what we can do. [1:10] Leo, do you have the disks with the doro collection on them? [1:10] *** Caesarea sets mode: -o+b elam !*lam@*.xanadu2.net [1:10] *** elam was kicked by Caesarea (stop masturbating you little cock sucker) I wish I had sounds for that =) I had to, sorry =))) [1:10] Damn. [1:11] You know what? Let's get some gifs of roadkill and send them that when they ask. yeah!!! yeah!!! -=))) [1:12] Let's see what I can do. [1:12] If I find any, I'll send them to him. [1:13] (/finger elam@xanadu2.net) I despise people like him, [1:14] ROADKILL QUARTERLY!!!! no luck with the finger HAHAHAHA!! [1:14] nOPE. [1:15] http://www.collideascope.com/empire/rkq/ no fucking shit! [1:17] fuck this is disgusting!!! heheheheh [1:19] Do you think I send this to elam? PLEASE DO! [1:20] He accepted [1:20] *** Catullus sets mode: -b *!*lam@*.xanadu2.net [1:21] Send completed. What the heck is that road kill? [1:21] a toad. it's hard to tell [1:22] Take a look at this homepage tomorrow. The captions are hilarious. Okay =) Hey, I'm going to sleep.. [1:22] Bending over backwards.. the HARD way! you take care!! HAAHHAAHHAAHAH [1:22] Assume the position. [1:22] Take care. [1:23] Problems breathing? Hey, where's your mouth?! HAHAHAHAHA Session Close: Wed Jul 24 01:23:13 1996 ------------------------------------------- 4. Closing Statements. It’s incredible, somehow we always manage to pull it out and bring out another issue of this deranged thing. What scares me even more is that some people actually like this. Wow! To all of those that helped in this issue, special thanks. We keep going no matter what, and hey, if you can, tell us about it to your friends, so we can expand to many other mailboxes =) Leandro -------------------------------------------