Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume I, Issue XV, Year MCMXCVI AD Monday, September 29th, 1996 ------------------------------------------- 1. Readers and abortion. 2. Golden Roach Award. 3. Men-Women relationships. 4. A moon with a star. ------------------------------------------- 1. Readers and abortion. Date sent: Wed, 25 Sep 1996 18:23:09 -0700 To: rakam@io.org From: rava@jb.com (Melissa) Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty, Volume I, Issue XIV, >Remember, life is a gift, a miracle. An >abortion is just as bad as killing someone. I do >not care if the body is yours and you do whatever >you like with it. Next time use a condom. Do as >you wish, but remember that if there is a God, >that he saw you all this time. Fuck you. You would do well to remember that if there is a God, he has told us not to judge the actions of others. Save it for Armageddon and mind your own damn business. Those of us who don't believe in God and happen to recognize that this world is grossly over-populated will continue to do the right thing in taking whatever steps necessary to avoid exacerbating the population problem. Life ain't so fucking precious when you don't have space, food, or resources to support it. The stuff about Star Trek was pretty damn funny, though. Cheers, Melissa/Rava -- Capital of Nasty welcomes your opinions, and other readers rebuttals. Remember, this is all meant in good fun and for the purpose of exchanging information. Support Freedom of Speech. ------------------------------------------- 2. Golden roach award goes Wycik's 3M When Annie Bresnahan moved into apartment 3M in the Neill-Wycik co-operative, the odor of feces and rotting meat were her only welcome. "There was cat shit and urine under the bed and the vent was full of cat feces," she says. "There were flying bugs coming out of the kitchen sink. "There was black gunk coming out of the drain in the bathtub. It was full of water with bits of garbage floating in it. "The freezer had bloody meat in it because it had been unplugged," she said. Bresnahan is in first year culinary management at George Brown college. This was her first time moving away from home. She cried for hours and her parents spent the entire day cleaning up. She says it took two weeks and an angry phone call from her parents before management finally had her apartment professionally cleaned. And it still has problems. The sofa in the living room is broken-down. Several desk drawers are broken, jammed, or missing. Some of the windows are missing drapes and screens. Apartment 3M is in the "new" part of Neil Wycik, built in 1987. In 1995, $3 million was put into renovating the older parts of the building. But the "new," unrenovated apartments are still $40 more expensive than the "old" ones. Gerneral Manager Lynn Nagasuye says she's trying to change the rents, but she can't do it alone. Since it's a co-op, residents vote on rent increases at the annual general meeting in February. That's no consolation for Bresnahan, who pays $382 for her unit. "What's the extra $40 for? I've asked that so many times. They say this is the new wing. I don't see what's so new about it," she said. --Kate Jaimet, The Ryersonian (The Golden Roach Award is given weekly to students with the worst apartments.) ------------------------------------------- 3. Men-Women in Relationships SHE DRIVES FOR A RELATIONSHIP. HE'S LOST IN THE TRANSMISSION By DAVE BARRY CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship. Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. COMMUNICATIONS GAP And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ... ''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. ''What?'' says Roger, startled. ''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so ...'' (She breaks down, sobbing.) ''What?'' says Roger. ''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'' ''There's no horse?'' says Roger. ''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says. ''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. ''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) ''Yes,'' he says. A BEFUDDLED BEAU (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says. ''What way?'' says Roger. ''That way about time,'' says Elaine. ''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says. ''Thank you,'' says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) IT'S ANALYSIS TIME The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'' We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows: Huh? But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is: 1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation, such as: - - -- ''Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we have a relationship?'' - - -- ''Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean.'' - - -- ''Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship!'' - - -- ''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.'' Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . .We have, ahhh . . . We . . . We have this thing.'' And he will sincerely mean it. The next relationship-enhancement tip is: 2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment. By ''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready. ''I'm sorry,'' guys are always telling women, ''but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.'' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving. ------------------------------------------- 4. A moon with a star. I just walked into the subway station started heading downstairs when I see the train at the platform. I was about to dash for it, when I recalled what Jason, my editor at work told me "Why bother running for it? If we run we are not going to make it and we look stupid, and if we walk towards it we got a bigger chance of making it." So I kept walking towards it, and of course, the train closed the doors and left. I sat there thinking "Gee, I'm smart, I bet that if I ran I would've caught it". To punish me for saying that, the next train arrived, and it was nice and empty. I sat down, and began to have a deep silent conversation with myself about the guy sitting in front of me. "Now why" I would ask myself "would you want to wear sandals and a leather jacket at the same time?". As I sat there, mesmerized by this guy's sandals, someone walked really fast in front of me and placed a key-chain in my hands. Attached to the key-chain a small cardboard sign read: "I'm deaf and I make this key-chains that glow in the dark. Will you help me by buying this from me? Thank you.". What shocked me even more was the picture on the key-chain. It was identical to the drawing I had made a long while back: a smiling moon embracing a tiny little star. It brought back so many memories that I shared with a friend of mine in Italy. When the man came back to collect his key-chains, I bought the one that I had. I looked in his hands and he had several other designs, but none like this one. What were the chances? If I had run to catch that first train, I would've missed this completely, all those memories would've been left untouched. I mailed the key-chain to my friend in Italy. Leandro -------------------------------------------