Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume I, Issue XXI, Year AD MCMXCVI Monday, November 11th, 1996 ------------------------------------------- 1. Reader's Letters A. "Do you think you're funny?" - Revisions B. Macarena Translated 2. The meaning of life, 42, a quarter and the Creamery Support Room 3. Friends 4. A personal response. ------------------------------------------- 1. Reader's Letters. A. "Do you think you're funny?" - Revisions Date sent: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 00:44:39 -0500 (EST) From: Alessia To: Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty, Volume I, Issue XX, Year AD MCMXCVI I have three quick things to say. I'm sorry it takes a week for me to make these corrections. > > >(and please don't respond with the entymology of the word.) And I have That should be etymology. > scary studies showing how a crew will follow the captain's advice, even > when it's clearly long. Interesting stuff, but not related to this.) oops. Wrong. Not sure where long came from. > one. If he had hit the hydro pole, he or that child would certainly be > dead. I won't even consider what might happen if the pole fell down. What's a hydro pole? A fire hydrant? That's it. Thanks Alex - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - B. Macarena Translated Date sent: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 21:41:46 -0800 From: hoomans@ix.netcom.com (HOOMAN SHAHLAVI) Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty, Volume I, Issue XX, Year AD MCMXCVI To: "Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro" You wrote: >4. Macarena Translated > > Dance to shitty music stupid Americans! [..cut..] > Stupid americans will have sex with a llama > Why is the llama named Vitronio? Hmmmmmm....my Spanish is not optimal, but I do believe that the author of this rubbish may have mistranslated a few lines of the song. First of all, it's not just the Americans who are dancing to the stupid song (I somehow recall seeing a Serie A Italian Soccer team doing the dance after they score a goal). Second, whoever wrote the "translation" should definitely not go into poetry or songwriting as a career; their utter lack of immagination and poetic creativity leaves me numb! "They compare their asses with their faces" is especially noteworthy; I don't think I've heard anything that eloquent since the seventh grade. ------------------------------------------- 2. The meaning of life, 42, a quarter and the Creamery Support Room I was over at Colin's house, watching TLC, about this guy that realized he was really a woman, and at his High School reunion, showed up as a man dressed like a woman. We were laughing our heads off thinking of a reunion in our high school, and who would've been the person that showed up with a sex change. So we sat there, watching this shit, with nothing better really to do, other then to bitch and complain about life, when suddenly: "I have this program" says Colin "that translates from English to Italian and viceversa". "Coolness! Let's try it!" We run to his room, load the program and quickly I start typing obscene comments. What better way to test software? The first thing that I typed was "dear scum bag". We translated it into Italian, and then from Italian back into English. We got a completely new phrase: "dear purse of the layer of dirt". We looked at each other with an evil sparkle in our eyes. "Let's get one of those old articles of the original CoN issues and see how it turns out!" I eagerly said to Colin. The results made completely no sense, but made us laugh like maniacs. What will follow is the original version in English and the translated version. A little introduction: DiPede was our Math/Computer OAC teacher. He had a severe dandruff problem and was a very serious believer (about God, not about dundruff). Yvon & Sparky: two of our classmates. The kind of people that at the time made us look at each other and say "weeeeird". Yvon still does. 269 Coxwell Ave. is where No Frills, the store where I work at, is located. A quarter is used in No Frills to free the shopping carts (called buggies) that are all chained with each other. Please, don't ask me to explain this. 42 is obviously the meaning of life. If you don't know that, you should be ashamed of yourself. Remember: never ever throw the letter Q in a rivet bush. Understanding the Universe with a Quarter It has always been said that the meaning of life, the universe, and everything is 42. Or rather, the answer to the question is 42, but without the question 42 remains just a number and really, I think we are still stuck at the same point of where we started, but I'm sure Dipede by shaking his head and rearranging the dundruff particles scattered on his desk, could find some sort of plausible answer to the meaning of life, by confusing even God himself. (Note 1: CofN does not use political correctness in any way. If you got a problem because I used HIMself and HERself for God, do me a favour: bite me.). But let's return to the universe and how a quarter can solve it for us. It's not really a matter of the number 25, nor we can solve EVERY question with it, however I am pretty sure that we can determine many things, such as "why does Yvon and Sparky share the same spot in the universe as we do?" - -- I frankly think that is a very important question, much more dramatic then "who am I?" .. if you don't know who you are, you have serious problems, and we suggest you go see your doctor asap. Many of you will be asking "but how can you answer some questions of the universe with a quarter? That's impossible!" But here comes the second burst of logic (before I can explain the first). You see, possible things seem to happen less often then impossible things. Hence a) possible things are harder to occur the impossible things, which b) impossible things occur more often then possible things, while c) miracles occur even more often then possible things, however with a little less chance then impossible things. How can that be possible? Well, being impossible, it's possible. Now, one more thing, before we can define what the universe is, where does it spin? If it spins, it has a center somewhere out there. I found where it spins. It spins at 269 Coxwell Ave, in the front doors, where all the shopping carts are parked. That is the center of the Universe. The people that have built No Frills there did not know at the time, and still probably don't, that by placing the cart's section right there have caused a paradox and shifted the center of the universe. The quarter is the mechanism that allows a customer to set one of the carts free and to wheel it around the store. They are causing more paradoxes and making the whole area magnetically charged to positrons and negatrons which, if used correctly, after the somministration of the gases produced by little green vegetabels that develop on the floor of the dairy back room, permit a better view and understand of the concepts in creating the universe itself. I hope this helps all of you people confused out there. Try this, but not at home. Next week we will deal with building the Time Machine and for party ice breakers, a 2 megaton nuclear bomb that you can build yourself with some spare time. Here is the re-translated version. I'd just like to understand where it got "horseback riding" from and how did "dairy back room" turn into the "creamery support room": He/she/it/you has been told always that the meaning of life, the whole, and all is 42. Or rather, the response to the question is 42, but without the question 42 correct leftovers a number and really, I think have stuck out still to the same point of where we have started, but I/they am sure Dipede for shake his head and you/he/she/it rearrange the particles of the dundruff they have besprinkled on his writing desk, he/she/it/you could find some kind of response of the[ plausibility to the meaning of life, for confuse equal God he. (Note 1: CofN doesn't use political correctness in any by. If he/she/it/you has obtained a problem because I have used it and you for God, he/she/it/you does me a favour: bite I.). But we return to the universe and he/she/it/you like a quarter could resolve it for we. He/she/it/you is not really a subject of the number 25, nor that we could resolve EACH question with him, however I/they am fairly sure that we could determine many things, such like "because Do Yvon and Sparky share the same he/she/it/you stain in the universe like do we do?" --- frankly thinks that it is a very important question, very more dramatic then "that am I?." if doesn't he/she/it/you know that is he/she/it/you, does he/she/it/you have serious problems, and we suggest it go horseback riding he/she/it/you sees your asap of the doctor. Many I/you/he/she/it of you ask "but like he/she/it/you can answers to some questions of the whole with a quarter? That is impossible!" But he/she/it/you here comes the second burst of logic (before I could explain the first). he/she/it/you sees, possible things seem to happen minus often then impossible things. From now a) possible things are harder happen the impossible things, which b) impossible things happen thicker then possible things, during c) miracles happen equal thicker then possible things, however with a small minus case then impossible things. Like that he/she/it/you is possible? Then, impossible being, he/she/it/you is possible. Now, a more thing, before could we characterize that that the universe is, where does he/she/it/you do line? If line, he/she/it/you has a center in any place out there. I have founded where he gyrations. Line to 269 Coxwell Ave, in the front doors, where all I/you/he/she/it acquire to him carry with a wagon have parked. That is the center of the Universe. The people that they have not built Collar they there have not known to the time, and still probably doesn't do, that for put the bureau of her I dolly to put right there I/you/he/she/it cause a paradox and he/she/it/you has moved the center of the universe. The quarter is the clockwork that allows a customer put the of the buggies free and he do turn about the shop. They cause paradoxes more and creation the magnetically of the area all has charged to positrons and negatrons which, if used correctly, after the somministration he/she/it/you of the gasolines has caused from small vegetabels green that develops on the floor of the creamery supports room, license a better sight and he/she/it/you understands of the concepts in create the universe he. I hope that this helps all of you people they have confused out there. This proves, but not home. Next week will treat the Car of the Time to building and I/you/he/she/it for get-together freeze breaker, a the nuclear bomb of 2 megaton that he/she/it/you could build you with some time of refill. ------------------------------------------- 3. Friends. Two friends were travelling together when they were suddenly set upon by a bear. One man quickly took off up a tree, hiding himself among the branches. The other seeing that he had no chance of escape, fell flat on the groud and pretended to be dead. The bear came up and felt the man with his snout and soon left believe his ruse. When the bear was out of sight the other man descended from the tree and jokingly asked his friend what the bear had whispered in his ear. "well, he gave me some advice; be careful of friends who leave you in the lurch." - Sensei ------------------------------------------- 4. A personal response. by Leandro Alessia (alexis.roettinger@yale.edu) wrote: > If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then humor must be in > the ear of the listener. Which means *I* (we) am (are) the > judge(s), and you are not funny. This was Alessia's response to what Jason MacIsaac had written about the chain letters. While we live in a country where there is freedom of speech, sometimes that freedom is taken advantage of. With what right can she claim that (we) (are) judge(s), and that he is not funny? She is the only one that complained. Text with three >>> is from Alessia (alexis.roettinger@yale.edu) Text with two >> is from Jason MacIsaac (jason@ifront.com) Text with one > is from Alessia (alexis.roettinger@yale.edu) >>> Do you think you're smart? >> Yes. >>> You may be, but no one appreciates this stuff. >> Leandro liked it enough to publish it in his magazine. > That doesn't mean he liked it. He may have included it b/c he > thought it was ridiculous and wanted everyone else to see how > pathetic you are. Just because what he wrote did not appeal to your ear, it doesn't mean that he is pathetic. Alessia, did you take a look at the stuff that gets published in CoN? It ranges from serious, to weird in the same issue. In CoN we are not here to show how pathetic people are, but to show our creativity. It takes a certain amount of guts to write something original, and send it to a magazine like this one. Flaming someone, like you did, takes no effort what-so-ever. If you can't laugh, how can you enjoy anything? Leandro+ -------------------------------------------