TO OUR LOYAL READERSHIP: I have the responsibility of releasing this week's issue of CoN with many apologies for its lateness. Leandro is suffering from the stomach flu. He is resting as much as he can, and he assures me that he will be able to release next week's issue. I'm sure he'll be grateful if you drop him a line and wish him well. THANK YOU Colin Barrett Capital of Nasty ------------------------------------------- Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume II, Issue 5, Year AD MCMXCVII Monday, February 3rd, 1997 ------------------------------------------- "I like sex. I love especially to be tossed on the floor, tied, and raped in the darkness... Hey, are you okay? Are you choking on your tea?" -- Samantha, Eastern Commerce student ------------------------------------------- Special Announcement: "Hello and thank you for shopping at No Frills. We're glad to announce that as of today, we are not selling anymore EggNog. It's finished. No more. Kaput. Please stop asking us to look in the Creamery Support Room. There is no more. Even if we wanted to, we couldn't sell it just because it will be another 11 months before we get the next order. So go away, leave the dairy clerks alone. Men can live without EggNog. No joke." ------------------------------------------- 1. Wired Women on the Bus 2. VIRUS ALERT!!!! 3. Scooby Doo stuff [Lemon curry???] ------------------------------------------- 1. WIRED WOMEN ON THE BUS by Leandro I was on my way to work one morning, sitting in the cramped and stinky Eglinton West route 32C bus. I had managed to get a seat, which allowed me to rest my arm by dropping my gym bag behind my legs. Two women, probably in their 20s were sitting in front of me, on the bus. The first girl began talking about computers: "My brother" she started "installed Microsoft Office and it had this thing called Word for Windows 7.0, but it came with Office!" She seemed extraordinarely happy about this discovery. "It's the latest version, seven point zero" she confided to Stephanie, her friend, who didn't know what to say. She just smiled, with a lost look in her face. "I write my essays" the girl went on, "and if I spell something wrong it puts a little squigley line under the word that needs to be corrected. So what I do is that then I check every page to see if there are some mistakes and I look up the words in the dictionary. I love it! I'm so bad at spelling!" "How did you find that out?" asked an incredolous Stephanie "Well" replied the first girl "I couldn't understand why the program would put those squigley lines under some words, but then I noticed that they were the same words my teacher underlined in my essays, because I had spelled them incorrectly! So now, everytime I write an essay, I write it in Word!" "Wow!" replied Stephanie "you're a wired woman now eh?" I got off, with their giggles still bouncing in my head. ------------------------------------------- 2. VIRUS ALERT!!!! [ED: Lately more than usual, I've been getting that pesky Good Times Virus Alert sent to me by cluless (albeit well meaning) newbies who honestly think they're doing the right thing by forwarding that fucker to everyone under the sun. That combined with deliberate publicity stunt gone wrong known as Irina, we seem to have of late a thriving culture of bullshit flitting from mbox to mbox with the naive end users in a tizzy to warn us all about the next killer virus. The Computer Underground Digest (http://www.soci.niu.edu/~cudigest/) assembled an entire issue (8.85) about the online hoax phenomena, and the following was offerred as the humerous response to the mother of all virus hoaxes (the dreaded 2400 bd modem virus). While hardcore net vets have no doubt seen this already (years ago) I thought I'd run it here for the rest of us mere mortals who didn't have email accounts before this decade. My plan is to henceforth send this lil snippet back as a response to anyone who ever sends me a virus alert again...] Date: 11-31-88 (24:60) Number: 32769 To: ALL Refer#: NONE --ROBERT MORRIS III Read: (N/A) Subj: VIRUS ALERT Status: PUBLIC MESSAGE Warning: There's a new virus on the loose that's worse than anything I've seen before! It gets in through the power line, riding on the powerline 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction one's disks spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy, West Dakota alone! And that's just in the last 12 minutes. [Lemon curry???] It attacks DOS, Unix, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac, RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, and VHS systems. To prevent the spresd of the worm: 1) Don't use the powerline. 2) Don't use batteries either, since there are rumors that this virus has invaded most major battery plants and is infecting the positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just the negative pole.) 3) Don't upload or download files. 4) Don't store files on floppy disks or hard disks. 5) Don't read messages. Not even this one! 6) Don't use serial ports, modems, or phone lines. 7) Don't use keyboards, screens, or printers. 8) Don't use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or mainframes. 9) Don't use electric lights, electric or gas heat or airconditioning, running water, writing, fire, clothing or the wheel. I'm sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic flui9ds of our computers can be kept pure. ---RTM III -- BLAST.famy http://www.shmooze.net/blastfamy volume 2 ish 5 Mark Jeff or Vic, PWC's resident BOFH December 1996 ------------------------------------------- 3. Scooby Doo stuff Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from their early childhood, right? But something you may not remember is what the show was really all about. As I've gotten older, it has become more clear to me what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing as they traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts in the Mystery Machine. What We Remember: Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort--and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people. [Lemon curry???] The Truth: Four high-school dropouts and thier sentient dog ride around the country in their psychodelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guys mask off to solve a mystery. It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence... Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner', i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole. And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time. The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world--they drove to China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however.. Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go solve the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery what these two are really doing--they're getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid carf around his neck. And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into beastiality. Where do you thing Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby. So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slangin' dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and while all the while looking for the perfect 'hit'. If we had only known these things when we watched this cartoon as children... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Scooby Doo Scooby was a stoner. He would work the slide on Shaggy's bong when they would pull tubes in the back of the Mystery Machine. Scooby may also have taken shrooms. Shaggy Well, just look at him. Baggy clothes, pale skin, goatee, crackly-voice and excessive munchies (he and Scooby both). Judging from Shaggy's gaunt figure, I gather he also is into heroin. As Dave Letterman would say, he's "wacky on the junk". DEFINITIVE PROOF: Constant munchies by both Shaggy and Scooby; excessive giggles, the episode where Shaggy puts fish food on his sandwich [Lemon curry???] Velma Possibly cocaine. Cocaine is (supposedly) a powerful aphrodisiac. The episode with Don Knotts comes to mind: After being trapped in a hole, Scooby finds a way out. Velma immediatly turns to Freddy, wraps her arms around his shoulders, and begins to lift her mouth to his.**I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP** Unfortunately, the shot cuts away and we are left with a sense of mystery deeper than the ones in the plots. I say speed because she looks like a worn out college student; her parents fought for her success, pushing her too far. She feels that she must impress her parents, but solving mysteries all night makes her exhausted, hence the use of speed. Daphne Diet pills. Have you ever seen how skinny the girl is? Perhaps cocaine as well, but this is based only on the fact that she is rich and wears a scarf. Freddy Cocaine. Most definitly. The clean cut image; the white sweater, blue pants, SCARF wore around neck, neatly combed hair and strong jaw all suggest that he is a major coke head. Freddy may also be a part time dealer, judging from the fact that none of the gang works, and yet they drive around in a conversion van with a custom paint job. Secondary Characters: Scrappy If any drug, I would definitly say caffeine. These massive amounts of caffeine which Scrappy ingested (off camera, of course), led to his over-all annoying characteristics and hyper-activity, with a feeling he could take on the world. Scooby-Dumb Scooby-Dumb hailed from the country. He obviously dipped into the moonshine, more than likely having his own still. He also partook in the harvesting of hallucinogenic mushrooms, perhaps, as he lived in a rural area where mushrooms were probably quite abundant. The Villains In Every Episode Impure LSD or other brain-damaging drugs. Why else would the run around, steal things, laugh like freaks, dress up in outrageous costumes, and think it no big deal when a TALKING DOG and a group of meddling kids interfered with their master plans? The Cops in Every Show This one is easy; donuts and Jack Daniels, probably every detective on the series carried a little flask with them in their breast pocket. As far as I know, this is the most difinitive analysis of its kind on the Internet. Their is a Top Ten List as to why Scooby-Doo is a drug-related cartoon, but the facts are shallow and poorly analized. [Lemon curry???] The Theme Song for "The New Adventures of Scooby Doo" With Comments By Seth (in brackets) We got it all together for a brand new show![just released from failed re-hab centers] Scooby-Doo is here and away we go [on a psychadelic trip, Scooby probably having at least a sheet of acid] (Shaggy)While Scooby-Doo is runnin from a spooky ghost [a ghost only Scooby sees] Shaggy is doin what he does the most! [smoke pot] Hey, c'mon get involved, until the mystery is solved! (Shaggy)Hang around for Scooby Doo! Hey Scooby! (Shaggy)Like where are you? (Scooby) Over here! [here being a safe spot during acid trip: men's room stall, bedroom corner] (Shaggy)That's my pal![drinking buddy] (Scooby) Scooby-Dooby Doo [uses the word "dooby" in his own name; need I say more?] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Top Ten Reasons Why Scooby Doo Was a Drug Influenced Cartoon 10. Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts and ghouls, but no one else saw them before Scooby and Shaggy. 9. Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies. 8. Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only one who could hear him and understand him. 7. Scooby and Shaggy always fell into the trap that was intended for the monster because they were tripping over themselves and couldn't see where they were going. 6. They were always deluded and warped by thinking they were dressed up in some costumes and entertaining the monster. 5. Shaggy always said "like" to the extreme, i.e., "like ZOIKS, Scoob, let's get outta here!!" What's a zoik? 4. Scooby and Shaggy were always the ones in the back of the van (doing who knows what). [Lemon curry???] 3. They drove around in the MYSTERY MACHINE, which had that weird trippy design on it's side. 2. Shaggy and Scooby were always giddy and laughing. 1. Look at Shaggy; the way he dressed, his goatee, etc., 'nuff said. /* Dave Kaczanowski dk94bb@sandcastle.cosc.brocku.ca dave@sinister.ed.brocku.ca http://sinister.ed.brocku.ca/~dave "So he says, 'You've got legs, baby, YOU'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE!" The TMBWBAM */ ------------------------------------------- In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere. Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "laugh: don't cry" Published every monday (Hhahaahhaah!) Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive. Comments and Queries welcomed. http://www.capnasty.org Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat) Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D