Date sent: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 14:38:51 -0500 To: (Recipient list suppressed) From: Colin Barrett Subject: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine II.08 Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume II, Issue 8, Year AD MCMXCVII Monday, February 24th, 1997 ------------------------------------------- "Those bored Japanese guys.. they're cool!" ------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------- 1. How *NOT* To Be a Newbie. 2. A Brief Section of Events 3. Top Five Extremely Rude Things Heard In Star Wars 4. College entrance exam - Rugby player version ------------------------------------------- 1. How *NOT* To Be a Newbie. by Lilith DemHareIs Every day thousands of people join the great cosmic force known as the Internet. And many of these people like to go around with big red neon signs screaming NEWBIE!!" (Blinking signs, at that.) The sad part is that they don't know they are wearing these glaring pointers. Very few people are willing to help these poor souls. If you are new to the Net, here are a few tips to toss off that neon sign. First of all, don't go around announcing that you are a newbie. This will be apparent without your drawing attention to the fact. Many people will post to a newsgroup, or a maillist or so, saying, "Hi, I'm a newbie, and..." That doesn't help your cause. Most people will ignore newbies. A handful will tell you to go away, or other nasty responses. A very few will actually help you. Letting the denizens of cyberspace know you're inept and clueless does not help, especially in a game of Diplomacy. Second, watch and learn! Many beginners go off, see the wide world of the Net, and make many common mistakes. If you keep your eyes open you can watch others make these mistakes, suffer for them, then avoid their fate. Spamming, crossposting, misposting, and asking "What is going on?" are usually bad practices. Watch what others do and don't do, and then you can proceed with confidence. Never be afraid to properly ask a good question. If you are in doubt about something, feel free to ask a question. Hopping into IRC and immediately broadcasting to everyone "What's going on?" is a good way to not make friends. (Watch and learn. And don't tell them you're a newbie." In IRC, the topic soon becomes quite clear. Newsgroups usually have a FAQ form. And Web pages point you to more information. Nevertheless, there come times when some of us must ask questions. The best way to do this is to query someone privately, and make your questions specific. If you show that you've done a bit of your own research, but seem to have become stuck, people are more likely to help you. If you pop into a newsgroup and ask "I'm a student and I'm doing a research paper on dogs. I was wondering if I could get information on dogs," then people aren't going to help you. This sort of question says to them that you are too lazy to go find the information yourself, and you want them to do all the work for you. Now, how helpful are they going to be? Finally, don't think that you have to distinguish yourself on the net. It's not High School. You don't have to prove yourself or else you end up sitting with the Dweebs during lunch. Take it easy, and go with the flow. Don't think you have to impress people. Chances are, you won't be able to anyway. If you sit back and watch what happens, you'll be able to pick up the gist of the cow without sticking your foot in your mouth. So toss off that Screaming Newbie sign and realize the joy of being an established Netgeek. ------------------------------------------- 2. A Brief Section of Events Necklace means gay A girl I have the fortune to work with, looks at me and says "Leo, like, either I'm really strange or you are really gay". "Why is that?" I ask surprised (couldn't help it) "What's with the necklace? I mean, it makes you so gay" pointing at a little necklace with my zodiac sign. "Well" I answer "guess what? I am gay, and apparently my girlfriend doesn't mind". "Oh, what's that supposed to mean? Men get married and then admit they are gay". "Well, she is more masculine, while I am more feminine, so we compensate for each other, don't you think? I think that you are just jealous because I get to hang out with all the cute greek boys while you are stuck on cash with those nasty customers..hah hah! I get the Souvlaki and you don't!" and I walked away. "No, Leo, wait..!" Life on Europa According to scientists, at a conference in Seattle, Europa, Jupiter's second moon, could sustain life forms. Bacteria and worms are what science believes lives beneath 200 kilometers of ice. What's wrong with cash? Tried to make reservation at Hotels in Quebec City, but apparently without a credit card, they wont accept it. I guess that cash has lost it's fascination, while primitive countries, like France, still think that the funny looking paper I was offering them, has some sort of value. Weather gets better Forecast reports that weather in the Toronto area will get better in the next few days. Truth is, that after a Sunday where a snow storm covered an almost ready for spring city with a good 20 cm of snow, anything else the weather will throw at us will remind us of Bermuda. Don't you bitch at me Monday, 8:38 AM, rush hour, Eglinton West 32C bus, on my way to work. An Afro-Canadian woman enters the bus and says to the driver "There is ****ing snow all over the ****ing bus stop, and even snow inside this ****ing bus" "I'm sorry," replies the driver "but unfortunately it's still snowing and we can't keep all the bus stops clean" "Like you care, you ****ing bitch" replies the woman to the driver. The driver, a tall, blonde woman, probably in her early forties, slams on the brakes, opens the front door, gets out of her seat and just says "Get out of my bus". Suddenly the Afro-Canadian woman starts speaking perfect english, asking why she should leave. "I'm not here to take your verbal abuse. Get off this bus". says calmly the driver. "I'm not getting off" replied the woman, looking around for support. "Then this bus is out of service". And so, for half an hour the bus sat on the side of Eglinton West. When finally the woman got up and left, not without first saying "It's because I'm black, that's why. 'Cause I'm black..", the driver called dispatch and informed she was back in service, and started driving again. Ironically, nobody said a thing. Everyone just sat there reading their papers or looking elsewhere. The other Afro-Canadians not wanting to get involved, the Canadians of European descent to avoid being accused of being racist. After all, we all got to work, didn't we? FACE it The CyberAngels, that force on the net made to fight pornography and protect kids from sites which contain inappropriate material, want to create a database with pictures of the faces of the kids that have been used for child pornography. CU-Digest considers this a double victimization (first you get abused, and then your face is there for everyone to see), but CyberAngel Gabriel Hatcher is sure that this can be done well with the help of authorities. "FACE" = FREEING ABUSED CHILDREN from EXPLOITATION (Computer Underground Digest #9.09 by David Smith ) ------------------------------------------- 3. Top Five Extremely Rude Things Heard In Star Wars by Jason MacIsaac 5. "Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?" 4. "Curse my metal body! I wasn't fast enough!" 3. "Get in there you big furry oaf! I don't care what you smell!" 2. "You came in that? You're braver than I thought." 1. "Look at the size of that thing!" ------------------------------------------- 4. College entrance exam - Rugby player version courtesy of Betty and Bennett Kwan College entrance exam - Rugby player version Time Limit: 3 WKS What language is spoken in France? Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one) Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) Canadians Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton Bush: Carter: Clinton: Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no What are coat hangers used for? The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. Where is the basement in a three story building located? Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) California (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have? Advaced math: If the square root of 25 is 5 what is the square root of 0? (a)0 (b)0 (c)0 (d)all of the above What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when(approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. Bonus Question: What is the average length of a rugby field? (a)100m (b)101m (c)102m (d)99m *You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify ------------------------------------------- In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere. Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "laugh: don't cry" Published every monday (Hhahaahhaah!) Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive. Comments and Queries welcomed. http://www.capnasty.org Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat) Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D