Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume II, Issue 10, Year AD MCMXCVII Monday, March 10th, 1997 ------------------------------------------- "She didn't strike me as being that with it. But in her role she doesn't have to deal with computers that much. Everybody else does it for her." - Chris Bailey, the student who showed the Queen how to send an e-mail message, from England to Nakina, Ontario. Royal Web Site http://www.royal.gov.uk ------------------------------------------- If you can't find any knee pads around, and you're at 'her' place, maxi pads (preferably unused) can come in handy. ------------------------------------------- 1. Readers' Letters A. Rough day at no frills B. Welcome to CANADIA, eh? 2. So, you want to write your own e-zine... 3. Laugh it up, fuzzball. 4. Barney the Dinosaur (for AD&D) ------------------------------------------- 1. Readers' Letters A. Rough day at no frills Date sent: Mon, 03 Mar 1997 03:33:07 -0500 To: con@ifront.com From: Colin Barrett Subject: Rough day at no frills (CoN II.09) Don Leo, I would like to make you, and our the rest of our fellow readership, aware of the fact that my mother once worked for two IGA grocery stores, and that not all employees of IGA behave in the same manner as the IGA clerks portrayed in this story. My mother and her fellow workers were only involved in covert operations authorised by Oshawa Foods, IGA's supplier, against the grocery chain known as Knob Hill Farms. no frills stores were never a target of these actions simply because my mother's first store was at Jones and Danforth, and the two closest no frills supermarkets are located at Coxwell between Gerrard and Cabbagetown. The second store, located at Pape and Danforth, was less that a kilometre away from the first. Readers also note that while the CCCP publishes Capital of Nasty, the BBC does not endorse any of its content. Thank you. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - B. Welcome to CANADIA, eh? Date sent: Mon, 3 Mar 1997 01:50:50 -0500 (EST) From: ajr To: CoN Members Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine II.09 Ok, this time I didn't hit reply by accident. And the first time I didn't either, but then I decided what I had been going to say was stupid. But here it is. I was just going to comment that, as an american, the term african-american has come to sound totally normal to me. But seeing the term african-canadian, which i'm sure sounds just as natural to canadians (i.e. people from canadia) totally cracked me up. and, as far as opinion goes, the no frills bit was funny. :) and I'll leave you with a disgusting little fact I found out today. (feel free to censor, since it is not UNintentionally offensive.) Ever heard the term "squick"? Well, you might have. Or not. But anyway, it means "to gross out". For example "I totally squicked my lab partner when i cut my fingertip off." Well today I read somewhere the origin of the term. It said "squick- from the sound made when penetrating/copulating with the brain of corpse, by means of a hole drilled in the skull." Gross. But not as bad as munging, but that I will leave for a future letter. Alessia /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ Alex Roettinger alexroet@pantheon.yale.edu Yale University http://pantheon.cis.yale.edu/~alexroet \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ ------------------------------------------- 2. So, you want to write your own e-zine... by Leandro (ordnael@freenet.hut.fi) The reason we started writing this zine was for fun, for the intention that one day we'd go public, and most of all because it's cool to be able to say "Hey, I got a web site!". That was 1994, and now in 1997 we kind of have something that we call an e-zine which is distributed and that nobody reads, and when I say "I got a web site!" some people still look at me funny and say "Wuz that?". The stuff that gets published here is usually stolen from some other magazine, borrowed from someone, and if it's not written by us, by some kind and gentle contributor that feels sorry for us. Even I, as Editor in Chief, don't read some of the things that get published here. Take for example that "Fascism & Communism" in our last issue. Who read that shit anyway? It was long and boring just to look at. Writing CoN is a torture, especially when I come back home on a Sunday night, after having worked all day, and having spent the night with my girlfriend. It's 2 AM and you are stretching your toes and you think "ahww, shit, I forgot to do CoN". Thank God for electronic media. All I have to do is cut and paste some stuff, put it together, call it CoN and mail it. Sometimes, if I am fried enough (after inhaling too much of the gases produced by the bacteria that grows in the creamery support room), I manage to write something. Although what I write usually makes no sense (ie. "hard day at no frills") and my spelling goes on vacation (embarassing to see what I wrote afterwards), I am surprised nobody tells me to go back to Grade 9 English. Depending on the type of magazine you intend to write, you'll need to remove or add certain amounts of your brain. If you want to write the "Miracle of Saint Joseph Newsletter of the Roman Chatolic Church of Saint Martin in the Fields", you'll require a much more professional English. Special care must be placed in wording things correctly to avoid offending people. Also you'll have to make sure that your readers and contributors follow the etiquette of your zine. If you write stuff like CoN, and you just underwent a lobotomy, your material will probably improve in quality. If you are worried that any of the things you might say will offend some of your PC readers, you will certainly be rid of them after a few issues. Who needs letters from readers that give negative criticism instead of constructive one anyway? Find a manifesto for your e-zine, something for what your magazine is fighting for, or supporting. However I don't think it's really that necessary, for CoN at the moment exists but nobody really knows what purpose it has. It would help if you don't have a life, because it will give you a lot of time to sit down and design your magazine, write articles (instead of doing them at work like I am now). A girlfriend is out of the question completely because then you'll start postponing everything important, just think what could happen to your magazine. I mean, look at me, I'm supposed to mail this thing out at 12:01AM every Monday morning.. how many times have I been succesful? Not many. Another important thing you'll need is readers. Without them, your zine is useless. If you post your zine on alt.ezines, you'll be lucky if you get one or maybe two subscribers. Just grab everyone's e-mail address you have collected over the years, and send it to them. Doesn't matter if they complain, ask to be removed, threaten to kill you. It just shows that people appreciate what you are writing anyway. What you should be worried about is people that never say a thing. Lastly, you'll be forced to learn/improve the English language (or whatever language you are publishing your media in). This will allow you to develop a beter speling, a miuch moor interesting way of writing things in order hence and therefore and here and thereagain to make whatever and so forth you are writing much more intelligible and interesting. And lets not forget that concluding conclusions which are the vital part of an article. So like, this is the end. ------------------------------------------- 3. Laugh it up, fuzzball by Jason MacIsaac BILL GATES: POLITICALLY INCORRECT THINGS HE COULD SAY 1. "DOS users! They come over here, marry our women, mix with the general population, steal our jobs..." 2. "These Linux users have these big families and they expect the state to look after them..." 3. "What do you say to an OS/2 programmer with a job? Big Mac and fries, please!" 4. "I think those Netscape users should just go back to where they came from." 5. "What do you call a MacIntosh user with a 12X CD ROM? Thief!" 6. "Hey! Let's go Unix-bashing!" 7. "Windows 95's place is in the home." ------------------------------------------- 4. Barney the Dinosaur (for AD&D) courtesy of Peter Fung (alpha1@pathcom.com) AD&D Monster Manual Addendum AD&D Monster Manual IV Barney CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Nine Hells, Gehenna, Hades, The Abyss, PBS FREQUENCY: Very rare or daily at 4 pm ORGANIZATION: Solitary ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day DIET: Little children's minds INTELLIGENCE: Insipid (-12) TREASURE: Merchandising contracts ALIGNMENT: Purple evil NO. APPEARING: (may be attended by 1-100 Barney zombies, see below) ARMOR CLASS: 10 (big and plush) MOVEMENT: 3 HIT DICE: 8 THAC0: 12 NO. OF ATTACKS: 2 DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-10 (x2) SPECIAL ATTACKS: Hug (damage 3-30) SPECIAL DEFENSES: Aura of intolerable idiocy MAGIC RESISTANCE: 90% SIZE: L (8' tall) MORALE: Stupid (30) XP VALUE: 4,000 Barney is a demon from the lower planes, a great purple and plush deformed dinosaur. It is the enemy of intelligent lifeforms, eternally seeking out small children and feeding on their natural intelligence and curiousity. Combat: Barney will normally attack with it's two great paws, each inflicting 1-20 points of damage. If a victim is struck with either paw and fails a saving throw versus paralyzation, they are dragged to Barney and may be hugged next round. A hug inflicts 3-30 points of damage each round until the victim or Barney is killed. Barney may also utter a 'Power word I love you' once every three rounds. Any adults hearing the power word must save versus spells or flee in terror for 1-6 rounds. Any child hearing the power word must save versus spells or be controlled by Barney. He or she will thereafter follow Barney's commands with a delightful smile, and is subject to continued brainwashing. Each day that a child is in Barney's control they may be taught another lesson by Barney, decreasing their intelligence and wisdom by 1. When either stat reaches zero, the child becomes a mindless Barney zombie! Barney zombies follow his commands with love and a delightful smile, and eagerly spend gold coins on Barney merchandise. Barney is constantly surrounded by an aura of intolerable idiocy. Any individual within 20' must save versus spells once per round or lose 1 point of intelligence. When intelligence reaches zero, the victim falls to the ground in a quivering, gibbering wreck. Intelligence may be regained at the rate of 1 point per day afterwards. In addition, the aura tends to makes pells go awry, tactics to fail, and mundane items to become intelligent with their own insipid personalities. Habitat/Society: Barney resides in a great temple and television studio on the lowest plane of the Abyss, with areas extending into every lower plane and prime material plane via transdimensional gates. He is constantly surrounded there by 1-100 Barney zombies clutching plush dolls and lollipops, which they may use as +2 maces in combat. -------------------------------------------