Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume II, Issue 11, Year AD MCMXCVII Monday, March 17th, 1997 ------------------------------------------- << SUPPORT CoN -- SPREAD THE PROPAGANDA TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW >> Do you enjoy CoN? Do you want to spread the word? Do you want others to share your feelings? Did you actually manage to read this far? Send CoN to everyone you know and help it grow in it's readership. The more people get CoN the stronger we will become. One day you'll be able to walk down the street and people will no longer acknowledge each other with a simple "hello". They will, instead, look at each other and roar "CoN!!!" and the world will cheer. CoN: "giving a world the reason to go on". If you just got this message from someone you know and you don't know what's going on, you are too confused to read on or you just don't want to be part of this magazine, just reply to this message and write in the body: subscribe capital Support CoN Week - Spread the Propaganda March 17th - March 26th MCMXCVII ------------------------------------------- This Issue of CoN is dedicated to Betty Kwan. If it had not been for her this week, this issue would not have been an issue. Betty Kwan is part of our Quality Control Team. ------------------------------------------- 1. GM Announces Airbag Contest 2. Positive Anarchy 3. Scenes That Could Have Gone Differently 4. Temperature of Hell 5. I give up !!!! Microsoft all is forgiven ------------------------------------------- 1. GM ANNOUNCES AIRBAG CONTEST by WAYNE WILLIAM SMITH DETROIT--With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars. "Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline." Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!" Hartford, CT, resident Jonathan Ryerson was killed Sunday when his 1997 Pontiac LeMans hit a freight train. Ryerson won $50 in the accident. It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!" Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree. GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000 --the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion." Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong." ------------------------------------------- 2. Positive Anarchy by Leandro (leandro@capnasty.org) So here we are again, late as usual, and this magazine is deteriorating into what I would call a demented collection of things which are relativety funny. Friday night, after coming out of the movie theater, we stopped at a coffee shop. Someone said that he could count serious articles that appeard on CoN on one hand. I looked at his hand and he had four fingers up. "I have cramps" he explained "I can't bring those four fingers down". Well, it's true. CoN just simply isn't. It's something which people might look at you weird and for politeness they say "oh, isn't that nice.." but hey, what am I supposed to do? You think it's easy to think of something new each week? I honestly was hoping for something exciting this week, that me and the other guy at work found ourselves wishing that someone would rob the store on sunday. Somehow without getting killed, and doing some of the heroic manoeuvres mentioned in my past no frills story, the robber would have been neutralized. We would've been on the papers mentioned as heroes that saved the life of the cashier taken hostage, and when they asked us questions we would definately not answer with that geeky "oh, I just did what everyone else would've done".. bullshit. I was sick and tired of putting up the cheese and convincing people that I did not work here that when the chance came to show that I am not just another ordinary grocery clerk. This is instead what happened: Customer runs out of the store with a basket full of stuff. Me and the biggest guy I could find in the produce department chase after him. We catch him, and since I had no idea what to say to him I ask: "uh..scusme sir, do you have a receipt for that?" The very big, very strong looking guy gives me a look of death and simply answers: "no". "ehmmm...." I say scratching my head. Usually I'm fed a dozen weird excuses. "Do you want this back?" he went on, pointing at the basket. "Uh, sure" I said "thanks". The very big, very strong looking guy began walking away from us. "Ahem, sir, you'll have to come with us" I dared. "No I don't" and he kept going. "Uh.." The rest of the day was an exciting retelling of how we caught the guy but decided, in our enourmous generosity, to let him go with just a slap on his hand and a warning. The other guys patting us on the back, the cashiers looking at us with dreamy eyes. ------------------------------------------- 3. Ten "The Empire Strikes Back" Scenes That Could Have Gone Differently by Marco Tabini [marcot@ifront.com] & Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro [leandro@ifront.com] Star Wars is a cool story, but sometimes it makes you wonder about what is going on, really. I had this strange feeling especially when Darth Vader says to the Emperor "My son is here. I have felt him." I mean, come'on, Luke is but a kid, don't go around saying that you are feeling him. All the officers would start talking behind Vader's back going "don't stand too close to him, or he's gonna feel you...". 1. What's with Vader's gadgets on his stomach? Blinking lights of different colors.. did you ever wonder what they were for? [VADER] Admiral, [breathing] set a course for the Koth System [breathing] [ADMIRAL] Yes, Lord Vader. [VADER] And, Admiral, [breathing] stop playing Master Mind on my Life Support System! [breathing] [ADMIRAL] Sorry, Milord [Clicks a couple of buttons on Vader's chest apparatus] 2. Darth Vader talks to the Emperor [ADMIRAL] Milord, the Emperor is asking to talk to you, now. [VADER] [breathing] Admiral, move the ship out of the asteroid field, so that we can provide a clear signal. [breathing] [VADER in the comm chamber, moves to the comm area and bends on his knee] [VADER] What is thy bidding, [breathing] my master? [SYNTH VOICE] Thank you for calling the Emperor; I am sorry, but I cannot take your holographic image right now, so please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Your holographic image is important to us. 3. Darth Vader kills the second admiral. The poor bastard hadn't really failed Vader, but I bet he killed him just to teach a lesson to the other officers who were making bets on when was the last time Vader got laid. [VADER] [breathing] You have failed me for the last time. [breathing] [The admiral chokes, falls to the ground and dies] [VADER] [breathing] [breathing] Next, please! 4. Vader nominates the third admiral [VADER] [breathing] Don't fail me again, [breathing] Admiral. [The officers turns, looks around] [ADMIRAL] Shit! 5. The Dark Side's Nest [YODA] That place is strong with the dark side of Force. [Pause] You must go, Luke. [LUKE turns around] [LUKE] Are you nuts? Why don't *you* go in there, Kermit? 6. The Millenium Falcon disappears. The Admiral must've been shitting his pants just about now. [Silence, everybody looks around. The Admiral sweats. VADER looks out of the window, then turns, then looks out again] [VADER] [breathing] [breathing] [breathing] FUCK! [breathing] [breathing] [breathing] [VADER goes out of the set] 7. Vader vs. Skywalker [VADER] The force is strong with, young Skywalker, [breathing] but you are not a Jedi yet. [breathing] [LUKE stops.] [LUKE] Oh yeah? And what about you, you big Meccano? Dressed all in black with a long dark cape.. uhhhh, I'm so scared!! Look at me, I'm scared! [VADER] Stop it Luke. [breathing] Stop pretending you are scared of me. [LUKE] Oh no!! Dark Vader is so big and strong. Help me! He's coming to get me!! Uhhhh..! 8. Solo's Frozen Balls [Princess Leia kisses Luke to show Han she doesn't care about him] [HAN] [To Luke]: Take it easy [What went through his mind: <>] 9. R2 dee two? [R2D2] [Whistle] [Beep] [Whistle] [Double Beep] [Intense Whistle] [Luke, Han, Chew Bacca and C3PO, all together] [LUKE] Yes, R2, I think you're right, we should attack from the left flank. [HAN] LEIA IS WHAT? [CHEW BACCA] UHN! BAAAAAAARK! GLOOOOOOB! [Spitting all over the place] GNUAAAAAA! [C3PO] You slept with the garbage can???? [Pause] What's it like? 10. The Big Finale [LUKE's got a new hand. Everybody's happy and looks out of the window. Suddenly, a bad servomechanism noise starts going. Luke looks embarassed and tries to hide his right hand.] [LEIA] Luke, are you all right? [LUKE] Damn! My middle finger's jammed again! Shit! HEY, YOU BINHEAD OF A ROBOT, COME HERE, YOU BASTARD! ------------------------------------------- 4. Temperature of Hell by Betty Kwan To all you amateur physicists: One of my buddies put this in my mailbox. He didn't find it funny, but I was rolling on the floor with laughter. I'm sure my sense of humour isn't unique to me. Enjoy. ---------- Forwarded message ---------- A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. --- It was not revealed what grade the student got. ------------------------------------------- 5. I give up !!!! Microsoft all is forgiven From: "Stephanie Foster" Subject: I give up !!!! Microsoft all is forgiven Date sent: Mon, 17 Mar 1997 23:11:47 GMT To: unlisted-recipients:; (no To-header on input) Despite all the man pages and pppd chat and uncle tom cobley and Despite everyone giving me script etc etc my linux system staunchly refuses to talk to the internet say what you like about Microsoft but IT WORKS ! Linux just went in the bin !!!!!!!!!!!!! S.F. -------------------------------------------