Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume II, Issue 26, Year AD MCMXCVII Monday, June 30th, 1997 ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- Happy Canada Day 1867 - 1997 130 Years Tuesday, July 1st, MCMXCVII ------------------------------------------- [0:18] *Denise* do you know what con means in fraench? [0:18] *Denise* in french? -> what? [0:18] *Denise* con = stupid [0:19] *Denise* in old french con = vagina.. -> oh great. ------------------------------------------- "It's probably the biggest fight ever." -- Mike Tyson (June 23, 1997), five days before biting the ears of his opponent, Evander Holyfield, in the aforementioned fight. ------------------------------------------- 1. no frills at the end of the Universe 2. Review: Batman & Robin 3. Hercules: not a movie review 4. Broadcasting Verses Cybercasting ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle Web Award goes to: B&K Hackers Homepage They really hate Microsoft http://www.geocities.com/CapeCanaveral/9447/ ------------------------------------------- 1. no frills at the end of the Universe by Leandro+ (Note: "no frills" is the name of a chain of grocery stores in Ontario.) I was afraid that CoN was losing it's nasty touch. Lately we've been more serious than ever, so although some of the articles here today are a tad on the serious/deep side, I'll start this week with my typical "no frills" blasting. Those that never worked as a waiter or a clerk haven't lived life yet. These type of jobs allow you to develop a thick defensive layer around you and prepare you for the stupidity of the world that has yet to come. Since hydrogen and stupidity are two common elements in the Universe, and no frills a grocery store with low prices, you can figure out pretty much by yourself the magnetic attraction this place has. For idiots, not much for hydrogen. As a matter of fact, I think we are losing hydrogen molecules, since the various refrigiration units at no frills were there when my grandmother arrived in Canada. That was 51 years ago. Stupidity at no frills comes in various shapes and forms. Customers: They are the worse kind, because they always outnumber you, and what's worse, they think they are always right. I think there is nothing worse than having to tell an idiot, that yes, although they have completely fucked things up, that they are right. Or at least, as a clerk (or as a waiter, I'm sure) this is what the training is all about. The best part though is to be nasty to them, make them feel like complete morons, and get away with it. "Do you work here?" is the most common question I ever get. I used to answer "Yes! How may I help you?". After the 500th time you decline in using that sentence and you go for a simple "Yeah". Several million times later you start freaking out and you hear yourself say "For fuck sakes, why do you think I'm dressed this way, because I like it?". This has the unfortunate effect of upsetting customers who will promptly go to your manager and tell them on you. If they are smart enough they will ask you your name and who is your manager. A proven technique is to give them your name tag, and point your manager to them. Nine out of 10 times, their brain starts to hurt because they did not expect this. They'll drop the nametag to the floor and leave mumbling something. If they don't do that, you'll have to learn how to put a good poker face when the manager questions you. Make sure you deny everything. Stay calm, and look surprised. Usually the customer's voice has reached 12 to 25 decibels. In the eyes of your manager they will look like some mentally disturbed freak, and he will kindly and diplomatically tell them to leave. After a few years of experience however, you learn to say "No, I don't work here." This turns the majority of people off. If they are still not convinced or they point out that you are wearing the store's uniform, don't slap them on the head and scream "ahh, so you saw my uniform you bastard eh?". Instead smile and reply with a: "I am from the bread company". The customer will turn all red, apologize and leave. "[Product here]?" questions are the ones where I smile and become evil. A customer walks up to you and as they exhale their hideous garlic breath on you, they say the name of something in the form of a question: "tuna?". I used to answer "Tuna? Down by aisle four, section A, bottom shelf, sir". Didn't forget to smile. Customer would walk away, and if I was lucky receive a grunt. How hard is it to say "Thank you"? For some people it must be pretty tough, just like signaling when driving. Now it's different. If a customer dares to walk up to me and say "Tuna?" several things happen. I stop what I am doing. Slowly I turn to face them, after making sure a few precious seconds have been burnt between stopping and actullay turning. Facial expressions are crucial here, so I try to have that typical pissed-off combined with a little bit of surprised and a touch of "what's this guy talkin' 'bout?". To add a little drama I pull out my knife, which I've learned to pull out in such a way that people probably think I'm some sort of part-time ninja. The stock no frill knives don't cut anything, not even plastic, although they can slice your finger in half you have to wonder if it really was the knife that gave you the perfectly straight and clean surgical cut. You can see through the other side of your hand at times. The knife flipping thing usually makes them step back an inch or two saving me from the toxic waste emanating from their unwashed mouths. I give them a quick visual examination from head to toe. This not only makes them feel more unconfortable (especially if they are wearing K-Mart clothes) but less confident in themselves. Finally I open my mouth and I speak: "Tuna? What about the tuna?". Here the eyes play a crucial part. Stare at them as if you are going to jump on top of them, ripping their rib-cage open and ripping their heart out (if you happen to do that, don't forget to lick the blade on the dull side, and laugh like a maniac). The customer right now feels naked, and he just wants to disappear from the face of the earth. He might mumble something like "uhm, I was wondering where the tuna was...". At times like this I feel like grabbing them by their necks and say very quietly: "ahhh, so you are capable of constructing a proper sentence after all. Gee, and I kept on criticizing the Education system of this country". That would be cool, but if the customer is an old fart, he might have an heart attack right there and then. At this point you smile, wait about 2 or 3 seconds and then you reply "It's by the Salmon section, sir". Keep smiling, and quickly go back to your job. The customer would be too scared to ask you where the "Salmon section" is (considering it doesn't even exist anyway) and quickly leave the aisle in search of another (hopefully more friendly) clerk. Little does he know... Tips from the clerks: Tommy a clerk from "no frills" plays a different tactic: when customers approach him with the individual question (ie. "tuna?"), simply smiles, and replies with "fish!" and then he leaves. This has the effect to stun the customer for a few seconds. Rob is a pretty big guy, with plenty of muscles to go around. To the "Tuna?" question he puts one of those killer faces, flexes and says "Did you just call me a tuna?". Next week we'll look into playing some funny jokes on someone you really can't stand too much. Remember, play safe, and don't get caught. Kids, don't try this at home. ------------------------------------------- 2. Review: Batman & Robin by Marco Tabini Produced and Distributed by Warner Brothers Directed by Mr. Schumacher Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze, an egomaniac who wanders around wearing neon lights (even in front of his mouth, and he hasn't got nice teeth). He likes cool places. George Clooney as Batman. He's got the most kitch designed vehicles in the history of mankind. Chris O'Donnel as Robin. Batman's gay partner. NOT! Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy. The overacted role of an ex-Greenpeace girl gone nuts. Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl. The first fat superhero ever appeared. (The blubber stops the bullets though.. -Ed) Michael Gough as Alfred. So dumb he doesn't even realize Clooney is the third different man who pretends to be Bruce Wayne in 4 movies and his niece (Batgirl) is Commissioner Gordon's daughter. Smart enough to survive four movies. Plot: Couldn't find none Cool people: Mr Freeze (and I mean it). Schwarzy alone is worth watching the movie (on a half-price day, at least). Cool lines: "She Is playing with you, Dick!" (Batman to Robin, regarding Poison Ivy) ------------------------------------------- 3. Hercules: not a movie review by Leandro+ Hercules, the most awaited cartoon from Walt Disney is finally out. I took this chance to take my little sister to see it. As usual I spoiled the little brat, buying everything she desired, and of course what's a night out with her big brother without poisoning our livers with good old McDonald? But the kid is happy, and that's what counts. The movie, for those that are going to see it, it's pretty cute. Take Alladin, replace the characters with Hercules and Maggie, change the architecture, put a goat instead of a genie, a horse instead of a monkey, and voila`. Instant cartoon. Just add water--colours. You need a kid beside you to see it, since they laugh where you grin, and they look at you funny when you laugh. As usual some parts of the cartoon are meant for adults, like the Karate Kid scene. If you look carefully you will even see Scar (from The Lion King) used as some sort of prop while Hercules is being posing for a portrait. I'm pretty sure I missed something else. I was just wondering how ironic it was that Hercules was some big, muscled, blonde dude in the middle of Greece. Fortunately Disney added some colour (forgive the pun) by adding five African (Afro-Greek? I could say "black" but then I would be accused of being racist, which I'm not. Maybe someone could help me out here) Church choir-like singers to introduce the story and to sing in the various songs during the cartoon. Even if you have no siblings, drag your significant one to see it. They'll either hate you or love you. We come out of the Plaza Cinema, and start walking down on Yonge, one of the busiest (and coolest streets) of Toronto. There is everything here, from sex to hex. It's also the largest concentration of "strange looking people". Perhaps it's a little wrong to define people that are different as strange, but for my 7 year old sister, downtown Toronto can be quite a circus. People with tatooes all over their bodies, strange type of clothing, Goths (why do they wear raincoats in July?). What shocked her the most was people with their nipples pierced. That made her giggle for a bit. About every 50 feet or so, a teenage kid with expensive Doc Martens would beg for money. Finally at McDonald, before we get served, we had to witness the two managers in some socio-political fight about who is supposed to make the fries. "Look, I've got more seniority over you," said the man "I have more important things to do than to serve fries right now" "I don't think that stepping down sometimes" interrupted the girl "would be too hard right now!" Apparentely they were short-staffed. Such a big deal over fries. You're running McDonald, not some critical NorAD base. My sister ordered her favorite, Chicken Nuggets meal, while I had Chicken Club. For some reason McDonald's burgers have no appeal (or flavour) and look very disappointing. I guess that the fact that my girlfriend is Sikh, it is slowly pushing me away from pork and beef. While I was waiting patiently for my sister to finish her six (6) Nuggets (it took her 47 minutes as she took miniscule bites and praised every single one of them by dipping them in the various sauces provided), I took a look around. Hercules was now slowly taking over the Batman gadgetry. Hercules cups, plates, toys. I got suckered into buying Pegasus for my sister. Working during the weekends at a grocery store, it's interesting to see all the products that get plastered with Batman or Hercules logos. Even Uncle Ben's Perv^H^H^H^HConverted Rice showed off a bright Batman logo. "Mom! Mom! Quick, can you make rice tonight?" just to get a little sticker. What was ironic is that Hercules itself (the cartoon) was making fun of this. The fame of Hercules had vases, pop drinks and Air-Herk shoes all sculptured around his image. I guess for the first time I saw Toronto through the eyes of my 7 years old sister. I felt for a minute a sense of non-belonging, and I held her little hand tight just to assure myself that she was still there. When I walk around town by myself or with my friends, I don't really see anything. In "one eye, out the other" if you'll forgive the poetic licence. I believe there is too much noise in this world, and it takes a little kid's eyes to make us see the obvious. ------------------------------------------- 4. Broadcasting Verses Cybercasting: The Mother of All Paradigm Shifts. by Bob Allisat The emmergance of cybercasting in all it's forms from the morass of the internet has taken many by surprise. Surprised most of all are the mass market broadcasters. Approaching year two (or three) of the Internet boomlet and already "market share" is being lost to the Web and other Internet phenomes. Executives sweat their 5k suits to the Good Will. Huge budgets get allocated in those sweat sessions. Billions get poured down the internet black hole while careers dangle by the finest of threads. And still market share slips. To millions of amateur and hacker sites. To every Tom, Dick, Harriet and Barbara. To every po-dunk mini corp and mom'n'pop Ltd. with a PC and their pissant web site, crackling audio and sissy video streamer. Increasingly, armed with the relatively miniscule investments of Personal Computer, camcorder, tape deck, software and time every citizen can become a magazine, newspaper, movie producer, TV or radio station. End of story? Mass media dead? Whoa there Silver... not so fast Kimosabe. I'm sorry to say there is still the truely massive political and economic force of the corporate mass media to contend with. The temporarily frightening prospect of conflict looms with the gargantuan inertial pressures of the predominantly American movie, music, TV and radio industries. We are confronted at every turn, blared at from every abode, harangued from every store and everywhere in between. Even if the clock is running down on the mass mediasauruses their day ain't, isn't, is not over. Soon IMHO (In My Humble Opinion). Not yet. not now. Not without virtual blood being shed in epoch ending scale torrents. "Theirs". Hopefully not "ours" (writing as a cybercast wannabe). The Internet, via cybercast audio/video contents and suplemented by plain old sucky web pages, is poised to entirely circumvent the mass media. But not without one hell of a fucking fight from our info and entertainment overlords. And I do mean fucking. And I do mean fight. There is no way on Earth that the big interests, significant investors, moguls and mogulettes behind the conventional media will allow themselves to be swept aside and asunder just like that and pell mell. Though that is the only way, in the end, it will happen. Just like that. And very much pell mell. And, by the by, with a suddenness that will have us all gasping in freaking amazement. The old Titanic effect... ooooooooo - Big ship! Ooooooooo - Big Iceberg. Oooooooo - Big Ship go down FAST!!! The most curious and ironic phenomenon of the earliest of days for the Internet Era is the bemusing presence of the mass mediasaurs on the Internet. More humourous still is the manner in which these coglomerate clot organizations allow the subject to be broached in their various broadcasting organs and organelles. First off the new, cybermedia are always viewed as extensions of the old... as "plug-ins" or add-ons. As if one can simply roll over the cookie cutter mentality and big ad one think approach in infinite clones of auto blurbs and soap operas in all their banality. Second off the Internet (outside condoned, sanctioned sites) is the bad underside of society. The weaknesses and foibles and wierdnesses. The evil and the sinful. The bad and the ugly. While, of course, conventional broadcasters and their various and devious cyber-henchmen of mass media consumerist culture are painted to as the good protectors. The stable, reliable purveyors of truth. Purveyors of light respectability, information, advise, unbiassed coverage, opinion, and so on and so forth yada, yada, yada. All to protect us dummies from ourselves, thank you very much nouveau big bro. The reality is we only need protection from the non-mythical them. And we citizens all are weird, all curious, all differant, all fucked and wondeering and infinitely tired of infinite Disney, Time Warner, Universal Studios blah, blah, blah bullshit. The truth is we need no protection from each other. Ultimately we require safeguarding from the mind warping uni-thinkers. So, the actual everyday, real-time Cyber picture is stunningly the reverse of what is being blasted at us from every dying orifice breath of the mass media bar none. Classic situation. Barefoot guerrilla freedom fighters (The Internet Internauts) verses the Oppressive Regime of El Presidente for life's Junta (US consumerist mass media). Except for the fact that the one (US Mass Media) owns the very ground, modalities and everything the other (Internet Freedom Fighters) uses to exist. It would be a shoe-in otherwise as to who wins. And here is where the crunch comes. The big cruncheroo... we who are quickening the sands that will inevitably engulf the monster media are currently at their total, complete and utter mercy. At every technical, technological, and strategic level the Internet is controlable. Except for numbers, creativity, genius flexibility, deviousness and, of course, future viability, we, the new media are at the mercy of "Broadcasters". No matter. We are witnessing and will continue to witness efforts to erradicate all of our independent Internet ventures and adventures. Through what-ever means The Empire can imagine. Through legislation and the courts... witness the bogoid Communications Decency Act and similarly absurist stateside infohighway political correctness laws. Through propoaganda via all those silly Internet 'R Evil articles and clips. Through buy-outs by overheated leverage crazed venture capitalists. Through mega-buck, mega-loud, mega sites attempting to suffocate all diversity. Through infrastructure and, increasingly, content provider take-overs to consume any and all idependant ground. But still the revolution continues. Still the losses and sweating and hair pullingmounts and - soon - the ledge claiming race in Marathon 65th floor to street level corporate divefests. The insideous and doomed mass media tolerates no competition. For competition fragments it's profit generation base and challenges it's credibility. The Internet media at it's core is atavistic and atomistic... it deal in idividuals and small units, people and persons. The internet media is one to one, un-edited, polilithic, cacophanous and Babellic... basically the conventional medias worse fucking nightmare come true. And try as it may, pump as many billions as it likes into the Internet to stop it... all to no avail. The money is lost. The efforts fizzle. The push continues from every side at every angle, from every citizen. Indefategable, indefeatable. The ants come marching one by one... hoorah, hoorah. This is the first opportunity we human beings have since apparently the blessed stone age for the mass media to truely belong to the masses. The Gutenbergian version of reality .... whereby the "press" owners and organ-blowers tell us all what to think, feel, buy, sell, smell, want, hate, love, kill, etc is verging on toast. Immanently to be history. Soon to be wasted. Tables are about to be turned. Unless - and I highly doubt they will - the various sherriffs of Nottingham who scourge our own Internet Sherewood forest succeed in capturing the ground. Unless that happens the poor will indeed rob the rich blind so to speak. And without mercy for the fortunes involved, we the People will aplaud as the various Titanics sailing globally slip under the icy mirror to oblivion as we lay claim our own passages, as citizens, in the world. We will reclaim our knowledge, know-how, information, ideas, mythology, traditiopns, opinions, news, events, sexuality, culture, art, politics and the plethora of civilized existance. Unless - and there is still a chance - the Mass Media bastards manage to somehow subsume our Internet cybermedia in their torentially hollow, mega-mono-maniacal monopolies we will dominate. And then we're all very much potted. Until the next, similarly revolutionary media saunters along heavan help them all. But it looks good for the revolution. So far so good. Talk about paradigm shift, eh? The mother of all paradigm shifts. Stay away from juggernauts, citizen, unless you're prepared to go down with them. And we watch it all go into the salvation day brink to save culture, enlightenment, civility and our-dash-collective-underscore- asses-dot-net. *If* you follow the gospel according to Allisat. Which, of course, you all do and needless to say and so on and so forth etcetera etcetera etcetera so help us Internet, Ahmen. Fin Bob Allisat is Director of World Televirtual Network (http://www.wtv.net) one of the emmerging cybercasters. Bob's resume is viewable at http://www.wtv.net/allisat and he may be contacted at (416) 534-1999 or via E-Mail at tor@wtv.net. -------------------------------------------