Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume II, Issue 37, Year AD MCMXCVII Monday, September 29th, 1997 ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- "The Western countries might invade you one day because of your sun. They don't have sun to produce solar energy, and Libya is a sunny country and is the best placed on the planet towards the sun. Sand is a raw material and the Libyan sand is of high quality. They might colonize you for your watermelons, which are excellent because of the quality of Libya's sand. Libya has more than 1,200 km (750 miles) of coast on the Mediterranean. They might colonize you for that. The Libyan dates cannot be matched. They might want to colonize you for that. The camel is also a reason for them to invade Libya. The camel is unique because he can go for months without drinking. He also has good milk." -- Muammar Gaddafi ------------------------------------------- Face Value Accepting that the cat is blue without looking at why the cat is blue, or what pigment the blue on the cat is, or what kind of cat it is, or where the cat came from, or why the cat isn't green. -- From the Devil Shat Dictionary, http://www.disobey.com ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial 2. Asian Flicks 3. What I understood of an Indian movie 4. Observations on the Box Citizen Ruth Came In 5. Book of Profound Things ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle award: FlyPower: Tapping the energy of Nature http://www.flypower.com/main2.html ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial Welcome to Issue 37 of Capital of Nasty, as we slowly drift into an Indian summer. The nights are not humid and suffocating as before and the days are getting incredibly shorter, that little bit of sun that could shine through the day covered by thick gray clouds which promise rain and (not too far from now) snow. It's only September, but the stores are already stocked with Halloween material, and I am already shivering in fear of the hideous Country-style Christmas carols that will follow October, pouring out of the store's speakers. Hopefully I will not be there this year for the usual brainwashing. No, no Egg Nog. Sorry, long day. Rudi Chiarito wrote in regard of the GUI discussion from our last Editorial and has a few things to say about the "Privacy on the Internet" article, which proves that I am too paranoid and not too well informed: Date sent: 16 Sep 97 14:29:33 +0100 To: CoN Editorial From: Rudi Chiarito Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine II.36 The answer to the rhetorical question demostrates that you are unsure about the true origins of the GUI. The development at Apple were the pioneers of stealing the GUI. Apple discovered the GUI when Steve Jobs and company were present for a demostration in 1979 of a machine developed in 1973 by Xerox PARC called the Alto. Sad but true: the folks at the PARC Labs in Palo Alto also invented (among the others) laser printers and Ethernet boards (nowadays most networks in this world use Ethernet). Apparently Xerox managers were only interested in producing copiers, so they eventually got rid of those too-bright engineers. A video about demented managers worth watching is The Deathbed Vigil Party and other tales of digital angst by Dave Haynie, but unfortunately AFAIK it's no longer being produced. If you know a rabid Amiga user, chances are that you can borrow his copy, though. It takes a bright mind and years of work to come up with a great idea, but it also takes two minutes and an Economics degree to f*** it up. Privacy on the Internet by Leandro+ thought. After I registered the domain name CAPNASTY.ORG with Internic, my account in Finland, which is set as my e-mail address in their database, started to receive the first signs of spam. I'm not accusing Internic of giving my address to some spam list,>however I do find it a little strange that suddenly my mailboxes (electronic and non) are filled with junk. Microsoft keeps on Internic databases are public. Not just your email address, but your phone number and postal address are available on request (on Unix and other advanced operating systems, it's a matter of issuing one simple command). Leandro Asnaghi Nicastro (CAPNASTY-DOM) 322 (removed) Toronto, ON M4J 1P8 etc. Billing Contact: Asnaghi-Nicastro, Leandro (LA672) ordnael@FREENET.HUT.FI +1-416-469-etc. etc. It's part of the standard procedure, which was agreed upon when men were real men, women were real women and Billy Boy didn't own the entire world yet. You might be a bit upset about it, but such data are vital when there are any problems with your domain (i.e. one of your machines gone crazy, someone from your domain attacking other hosts on the net, etc.). In such cases, the fundamental question is "who're you gonna call?" various Intranet solutions. Not only all of these have my name on it, but the words "President" or "CEO" are right after. My office e- mail account, and now my account in Finland, receive spam of all sorts. I don't want to receive this stuff, I don't want companies to know about me, I don't want to find my mailboxes full of garbage. Don't register your domain, then. You have to face the music somehow. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to give the impression that I am another Unabomber that wants to break all links with society, and live in my little hut up in the mountains. It's just that I wish I What's wrong with that? I mean, as long as you have a leased line.. ;) Cookies allow companies to invade your privacy and access your >phone number, credit card number, address, and other sensitive False. personal information and preferences. The next time you enter that website, they will know that you've been there before, what you've been looking at and perhaps what advertising to throw at you. That's the only true thing about cookies. What's wrong with them knowing where I have already been on their site?!?!? This way, e.g. they already know I'm a computer geek, so they won't bother me with diaper advertising. There is no such thing as the word "Private" on the Internet. Even your e-mails, have you been wondering who else is reading them? Oh, that's simple: my system administrators, every now and then. I'm simply amused. They even check my files: and I often download lots of worthless stuff, just to make them waste some time figuring out what the hell that new "sp-1.1.1.tar.gz" file is. Plus, it must be tough, when they have to browse through the >100 emails I receive every day. It serves them right :) Anyway, straight from Seneca's Letters to Lucilius: "No thing is as good as keeping silent, talking as little possible to others and as much as possible to themselves." ------------------------------------------- 2. Voting In our last issue we had inserted a question in our signature file. The question asked: Who would win this fight? A Rottwieler, or a Rottwieler's weight in Chihuahuas? Now keep in mind that the Rottwieler is covered in steak sauce... please send in your vote. Two votes came in claiming that the Chihuahuas would win, however the following reply was probably the best entry ever: Date sent: Tue, 16 Sep 1997 01:00:42 +0000 To: CoN Editorial From: William Subject: Dead Rottweiler Rottweiler ain't got a chance. The first couple rats are going to die bloody deaths as the powerful jaws crush their ugly little skulls, but it won't take long for one to go for the balls if the rott's a male. If it's female, they take out the legs until she can't stand and rip her throat out then dine on the results. Those little rats are nasty in numbers. One on one, the rottweiler gets a crunchy little snack. Of course, if you catch them in the right mood, you might get a really weird orgy. Lot's of pain, or nobody feels a thing. Kind of a snow white and the dwarves type of thing. Except the dogs don't wear skirts to cover up the butt sniffing in front of the kids. And just how did some kinky story about a sexy chick and her seven sex slaves become a kids story? Maybe that's why I keep seeing searches for screwing midgets on Metaspy. It's probably a bunch of kids fresh from the family vacation down in mouseland wondering why their daddy kept looking at dopey that way. No, I didn't find anything interesting when I tried it. This started out as a vote, didn't it. The dwarves win. William ------------------------------------------- 3. Asian Flicks (not to be confused with "Asian Chicks") by IMPROV Okay...so I've been watching a lot of Hong Kong made movies lately. Y'know Jackie Chan, John Woo...that kinda martial arts stuff. They're good, some are even great, but I have a few observations about Asian cinema I'd like to share with you: Why do all Asian towns have chickens running around in the streets? How much does a sheet metal shanty cost?...two, three million Yen? If one can only afford to live in said shanty, how come there are really expensive speed boats (that are easily stolen) near by? There is always a dieing uncle or father, an old man of some sorts. He gets killed. The nephew or son of this poor old bastard finds it neccessary to avenge his death. Why? The way I see it the murderer has done the old guy a favour...put him out of his misery. As for the nephew/son, he should be happy, do you know the costs of keeping old Asian men alive? Well I don't know the exact figures but I'm sure it can't be cheap to hire a young, attractive, helpless nurse (that screams a lot) to take care of him. If I was the nephew/son, I'd take the killer out for a Sapporo or some Saki to thank him for all the Yen he's saving me. When dubbing an Asian martial arts flick, whose genius idea is it to use British actors? Not just that but British actors in a room that echoes. I don't know for sure...but it's a pretty safe bet that all of Asia dosen't echo. As for sub titled movies...Why is it then when I'm watching a sub titled movie the voices are still dubbed? I mean couldn't the North American distributors get their hands on a version of the movie that hasn't been dubbed from one Asian language to another? Because I want to hear the intonation in Chow Yun Fat's voice as he blasts away at thirty or forty victims. (By the way Chow Yun Fat is the greatest). One last question: How many rounds does a .9mm Glock have... because if I was going to use these movies as a guide, I'd have to say at least 50-60. ------------------------------------------- 4. What I understood of an Indian movie by Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro The other day my girlfriend brought me to see an Indian movie titled Pardesh, by director Subhash Ghai. Entering the movie theathre is not that much different from anywhere else I've been. However it's the little differences that make you realize you are not here to see the latest Batman flick. Although you can still order coke and popcorn, I was given Indian tea and Somosa, some sort of croussant with vegetables inside (kind of like a Spanakopita, if you like Greek food) all covered in Chatnee, a sweet-and-sour kind of sauce. I have to say, it was better than having popcorn. Hour 1: The movie starts: for a minute I was worried if it was going to be in Hindi or Punjabi, but the actors were all speaking in English. Luckily, that was not for long, since right after that it was all in Greek for me.. or Hindi in this case. Fortunately once in a while someone would say a word in English (ie. "shit!" when something bad happened or "ahhhhh!" when scared or "hello?" when picking up a phone). This allowe me to get a general idea of what was going on. Anyway, this old man returns to India, after having left many years ago as a poor young man, and now having returned with milions of dollars. He meets his old friend who takes him to his house placed in the middle of his fields. In the distance we hear the voice of a girl screaming: "Daddy! Daddy!" At this point, series of strange events start from here throughout the 3 hour (15 minute break) movie. First strange thing: the two old men look off-screen, where the camera picks up this beautiful (apparentely) girl who is running in slow-motion towards them. The rich american guy is looking at the girl with obvious interest although the audience is left unclear of his intentions. We learn afterwards that he wants his son to marry the above mentioned girl, so that she can bring that touch of culture that is missing from them in America. In the mean time we get to meet the whole family, mother, father, daughters, kids, comedy relief, aunt, cows, dogs and the incredible amount of goats that are scattered all over the place. In fact there are so many goats, one has to think that someone accidentally spilled Kuleshnov1 all over the place. While everyone is laughing and making patties out of cow dung for the fire, the neighbours (who wear purple suits and have their hair dyed blonde) freak about this uncle from America arriving. They don't want the above mentioned girl to marry the son of the above mentioned rich-uncle-from-America. Fortunately they tell them off and everybody is happy, the girl looks at the picture of the guy and finds him one hell of a stud and is happy too, and the little kids are so happy that they start dancing and singing to convince his uncle in bringing them to America. Something weird happens here: as the kids are singing, the uncle is dressed with a sports outfit, but quickly disappears into the fog and returns wearing a kurta (long white pants, long white shirt on top) and starts singing "I love my India". The movie turns into MTV, with people dancing, women flying accross fields waving long strings of fabrics, and the American uncle singing right in front of a cliff, so close in fact, that if he takes two steps back, the movie would be over. In the mean time, the girl, Ganga, becomes a good friend with Rahul. Now Rahul is the best friend of the son of the American uncle, and he's got it all: looks, honour, smile and can play the guitar. But don't worry, they are just friends (or are they?) Since the movie has three hours to play with, the director tool this chance to show how the son of the American uncle is too americanized by having him react weird, and not understand half of what is going on during the engagement festivities. He also despises the culture, making (ironically) racial comments about the Indians. Fortunately his friend Rahul is there to help him out of a whole series of culture clash that occurs between the two families, the engagement works well and the two love-birds move to America. Rahul decides to stay in India for a while, probably to recover from all the hard work. Actually before they go to America there is a weird fight where everyone runs around acting like gorillas and saying something that sounded like "cuppa-tea". I'm not sure how, Rahul wins, saves the girl from the above mentioned purple-wearing folks and everyone is happy. These were only the first 60 minutes. I could go on, but I don't think I'd have enough space in this issue to tell you the whole story. What scares me here is to see that they make the little old grandmother understanding, wise and more open minded then the girl's parents. This makes no sense, since my girlfriend's grandparents look at me with the same love, affection and understanding that a .45 would have while ripping through my skull. I guess this was to symbolize how age is comparable to wiseness. Another thing: the credits started to roll up, so I start getting up and I notice that the lights are still off and nobody else got up. I ask my girlfriend why, and can you believe, the movie is not over yet! The credits are rolling by, and you can still see the actors doing things on the screen, in this case Gangha and Rahul kissing, looking at flowers, laughing a lot and all that other mushy stuff love-birds do before they grow sick and tired of each other. There is only one special effect: Gangha and the kids are riding bycicles and singing (of course). You notice a cliff dead-ahead of them, and everyone stops. Everyone except Gangha, who keeps going, goes over the cliff and keeps on peddaling towards the sun while waving back at the happy little kids. "What's going on here?!" I asked my girlfriend. "Why is she flying?!" "To symbolize," my girlfriend answered with a can't-you-tell-by- yourself? type of tone, "that she is leaving them to go to America." Of course, I should've known. What I found interesting to observe was to see how other parts of the world see "America" ("America," by the way, looks more like BC (no, not DC, BC It's different). Apparentely wherever the story was taking place in the New Continent, it would be rappresented by a large bay with a few cargo ships, and several houses in a relatively quiet neighbourhood. LasVegas is a nice quiet city that has very tiny rooms with people betting on an tiny table. Truckers drive small 4 wheeled trucks on a Toyota chassis. They also give a ride to the first Indian woman that comes running towards them. Anyway, the movie follows the typical Indian Bollywood standard: Girl meets guy, guy meets girl and they get to know each other. For no apparent reason everyone starts singing happily. Girl/guy get more sentimentally involved with each other. Yet another musical so that both characters can express their joy. Something happens, the two lovers are separated. Sad song as hero sings and images of his love appear where the moon should be. If he holds on to a tree or rips her picture on top of a bridge right before driving away in some remote and unreachable place, the better. Something crucial and dramatic (yet expected) happens changing the whole plot around. Good people turn bad. Bad people turn good. Hero saves the girl, the day (and his face although he just got the beating of his life from the bad guy). Everyone agrees for the two love-birds to marry. More singing, this time everyone is happier then before. Credits roll up. Everyone is still happy. If you get a chance, watch this movie. I suggest however you choose the subtitled version, unless you have a friend that speaks Hindi and is willing to translate on the fly. It's a good change from the usual shat playing lately in the theatres. It's got a good dosage of humor, love, action (not the type you might expect) and the usual poetic justice at the end. Worth the Chatnee that spilled on my pants. --- 1) Kuleshnov effect: the adding of too many goats to a movie. ------------------------------------------- 5. Observations on the Box Citizen Ruth Came In By Jason MacIsaac I just watched an amazing movie called Citizen Ruth. I was going to write a rave review here, but then I realized that this was pointless, since the movie's already on video, and maybe me and Laura Dern have heard of it (Laura Dern plays the lead character). I was going to use all sorts of cool reviewer phrases like "Ruth is the main character, but she is only articulate when she is swearing in rage. We are only given tantalizing glimpses at what her character is like, feels deep inside, and what happened to make her life such a mess." I also had "subtle to stinging barbs" and shit like that all ready to go. But let me get right to the point. Citizen Ruth is particularly unforgiving satire on the abortion issue, giving it to Pro-Life and Pro-Choice (whatever you want to call them) right up the ass. It would have been easy to pick on one particular side, but the people behind this move realize that sometimes, neither side of the issue makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. Oh, shut the fuck up whoever I just pissed off with that last statement. We'll save that debate for another time. So let me conclude the review with this: it's a great movie, Laura Dern is an incredible actress, go rent it. Now let me move on to what I really want to talk about. If you're going to take my advice and rent that movie, you might want to hold off reading this, because there are lots of spoilers. I was just looking at the cassette box the video came in. I rented it from Rogers Video. As we all know, there used to be a billion video stores, all run by different people. Convenience stores, gas stations, whatever. Now there is only Rogers Video, or Blockbuster. These stores are great for stocking 4,500 copies of the latest comic book movie that was in the theatre for two showings, but they're not so hot if you want to watch something other than a summer blockbuster of the past five years. Usually, video stores would put their videos in blank, plain plastic cases, sometimes with the movie franchise logo all over it. Then they put the box they came in on the shelf, with a little plastic tag or something to indicate whether the video is in or not. Rogers goes a little further than this. They put the empty cardboard shell on the shelf, with the video in a plastic case behind it. But they actually write a description on the back of their plastic box. At first I thought it was the usual bullshit with the description lifted from the back of the distributor's box, with the usual quotes from whatever media source they can dig up ("Three thumbs up!" -- Pickering Nuclear Power Plant Newsletter Film Cavalcade & Review). I actually sat down to read the Rogers box of Citizen Ruth, and discovered that's not what's there at all. They actually took time to rate the content themselves, and provide a quick breakdown for parents. They cover the sex, the drugs, the violence, the swearing... Here's the breakdown, verbatim: STORYLINE Citizen Ruth 319864 After she accidentally becomes pregnant, an indigent, substance- abusing young woman (Laura Dern) finds herself at the centre of the abortion war. Parent's Guide: Sex/Nudity: In the opening scene, Ruth has sex with a man, mostly clothed. Drugs/Alcohol: Ruth drinks too much, sniffs from spray bottles, and smokes from a bong. Violence/Scariness: The scenes depicting Ruth's drug habit will be disturbing to youngsters, as will the issue of abortion; Ruth hits a little boy. Objectionable Words/Phrases: About 55 Lesson to Learn: In the abortion war, both sides manipulate the same woman they claim to protect. Drama, 1997, Approx. 106 min., Release Date: 06/97, CC, Rating Pending For some reason, I find this wonderful. Like a bookstore, I can spend a whole day in a large video store/rental outlet, checking out obscure little movie, Grade Z slasher movies, and just how many sequels can be made out of a kickboxing movie. Now I don't know if Rogers has done this for every video in the store, but I can't wait to go back and find out. It blows my mind that someone had to be paid to sit down, go through this movie, and list the content. I'm pretty confident that someone did sit through most of the movie. Sure, you can determine some things about a movie just by looking at the poster (Hey, I wonder if there's violence in the latest Jackie Chan movie? There is? Well bugger me), but no press kit I know of lists "Objectionable Words/Phrases." It blows me away that someone is paid to sit there and count how many "motherfuckers" are in a movie, even if it is a rough estimate. Or play with the frame advance to determine if you can see Laura Dern's breast. Do they get confused when you can see her nipples through her bra? Does that count? And what is an objectionable phrase anyway? This movie has 34 objectionable phrases, 35 if you count "Suck my armpit." I'm thinking of other movies I've seen and wondering with glee what Rogers has written on the back of the box: Showgirls -- Sex/Nudity: There is all of five minutes of people wearing clothes. I've seen pornos that had more wardrobe than this. Reservoir Dogs -- Objectionable Words/Phrases: About 5,542,678 objectionable words and phrases. There are about 20 non- objectionable words and phrases. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn -- Lesson to Learn: Uh...don't fuck with Captain Kirk? Fatal Attraction -- Violence/Scariness: Both Michael Douglas and Glen Close overact a storm. Douglas threatens to remove his clothes on more than one occasion. Close boils a bunny. What a bitch. ET -- Drugs/Alcohol: There is no alcohol or drug use in this movie, but Drew Barrymore turned into a real lush about five minutes after this movie stopped filming. I could use a good spliff right about now myself. Another thing that intrigues me about this system is the complete lack of critical appraisal. True, whether a movie is any good is a subjective thing, but so is an objectionable word. Personally, I'd find it much more useful to know whether a movie is a carefully concealed piece of shyte rather than whether Eddie Murphy gets to use the "F" word and "H-E-Double hockey sticks." Of course, if a movie is a complete travesty (see Can't Stop the Music review, CapNasty Volume II, Issue 23) and the box lets you know it, you're not going to rent it. On the other hand, if you're told that you can see Laura Dern get it on with some guy, that might get you to rent it, even if it is a piece of garbage. There is also, I'll admit, a wider divergence of opinion on whether Natural Born Killers is an original and thought-provoking movie than whether "fuckface" is an objectionable phrase. Incidentally, Natural Born Killers spanks major goat penises. Even the original script by Tarantino blew. The one by Ollie Stone's lads is a billion times worse. Oh, shut the fuck up whoever I just pissed off with that last statement. We'll save that debate for another time. Of course, the danger with this appraisal is that it doesn't tell you whether the movie is any good. I think that kids should see movies with sex and violence, provided that there's a larger issue on hand, and an adult to guide them through it. This rating system doesn't tell me if the movie has a brain in its head or not. It doesn't tell me anything truly useful. All I know from reading the back of this box is that Laura Dern apparently plays a low-life. Even the Lesson to Learn doesn't really help me. I don't know if there's a skillful handling of some extremely sensitive issues (there is). I don't even know if the movie is good for a wank or two. People are going to rent movies or not, based on these words. You can't summarize a truly good or even a bad movie in so short a space, with so few words. People are going to be mislead by these ratings, and maybe miss something good, or pick up something crap. That really bothers me. I'll end this thingee with a few comments on the box's appraisal of Citizen Ruth (it even fails on its own terms at times). I'll be spending more time at Rogers, because I have to know what the Lesson to be Learned is for Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity. Parent's Guide: Sex/Nudity: They missed a couple couplings. A young girl gets hot and heavy with her boyfriend. A woman kisses another woman. There are a number of scenes were Ruth wears very little clothing, and poses in a very seductive fashion. The sex act at the beginning of the movie is actually unerotic; Ruth looks bored out of her skull. Is this category supposed to be "sexual content?" What about the vibrator Ruth finds? There is at least one very sexual act referred to, as well. Drugs/Alcohol: What, cigarette smoking isn't covered? There's a lot of this. Violence/Scariness: Ruth drops a heavy piece of porcelain on someone's head, and also threatens someone with a gun, but this is not mentioned. Also, there are a number of threats issued throughout the movie. Nasty ones. In one scene, Ruth awakens to find herself bleeding. She's even self-abusive on one occasion. That's scary. They describe Ruth's drug habit as "scary" but at times it almost seems comical. And what about violence to property? There's a scene where Ruth trashes her ex-boyfriend's car. Objectionable Words/Phrases: What about political messages? Now we sail into some really unclear waters. Nobody with any kind of a brain would say that a movie promoting the actions of the Nazis is anything but objectionable. But what about a situation that isn't so cut and dried? Both sides in the abortion debate take the matter very seriously. Neither side is likely to appreciate the picture presented by Citizen Ruth. Is that considered objectionable? Lesson to Learn: There are quite a number of things you can learn from Citizen Ruth, not just the line printed here. Ruth is not a heroine. At times, she's a thoroughly rotten person. She is very manipulative, at times even succeeding in manipulating the viewer. At one point she comes into $15,000. Another character in the movie, Harlan, who is supposedly on her side when she tentatively decides to about her fetus, listens to her very ambitious plans with the money. He tells her that she will blow the money in three days. You can't help but feel he's right. Ruth may be unredeemable, something neither side of the issue seems prepared to accept. It's not a very nice lesson to learn that some people can pass the point of no return, but it seems likely that Ruth is destined to die of a drug overdose. There's also lots to be learned about hypocrisy, and how individuals get lost in the debate of a larger issue. The movie's messages are lost on this box, because there's just so much going on this movie (much like any movie), that you can't break it down in a dozen words or less. This category is where the real injustice is going on. I discovered this movie largely by accident. Some people think that some analysis of the movie is better than none at all. But I can't shake the feeling that very little good can come of this system. I'll be checking out more cases at Rogers, so stayed tuned for another installment. ------------------------------------------- 6. Book of Profound Things by The alarmingly uneventful Adventures of Rik This is something from the unfortunately unknown Book of Profound Things (except chat fights). They are soon to be published on my website along with Ken the brick and my brothers. All of these games (except tumblegit) are created by ME, Rik Hughes. Battleshits! A game for 2 players. The two players both get in a bath together (preferably covering up the naughty bits with a flannel or pair of pants) and crap. The first person to get out of the bath loses. Stationary eating. The players have to eat pencils. The one who ate most pencils after 10 minutes wins. Frighten the elderly game. The players must go to a local zoo or pet shop and steal something scary (snakes and arachnids are the best) then place it in an old persons bed. The player who gets the best reaction wins, hoorah! The Hospital game. (for 2-4 players) The players go to their local hospital and each allocate themselves a ward to play on. They must go to this ward and swap around the patient details. The first player to cause a death or accident wins, yipee! Tumblegit (by Dave Wallace) The aim of this game is to run about the streets with a chainsaw cutting off old mens wooden legs and cutting their walking sticks in half and timing how long they stagger and tumble about for. The winner is the player who makes their old man stumble about the longest. (these games are highly dangerous and should only be attempted by people who have been expertly trained in the art of ear picking with a biro) Chat Fight. For this game you will need a chat client (such as Mirc). Go into some chatroom (preferably in America as the americans are a bit stupid) and pick a fight with someone using the action commands, eg "bloke pokes a big stick right up yankeetwats nose" etc. Continue until they 'victim' leaves or you get kicked out. Great fun! Please do try this out. Thank you for letting me waste your time with this silly drivel. Send your comments to: Rik or visit http://www.btinternet.com/~weird.stuff1/Rik1.htm ------------------------------------------- The explorer Sojourner took a tour of the rock Yogi, then headed for Scooby Doo. It's pretty obvious -- women are Venus and Hanna-Barbera is from Mars.