Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume II, Issue 39, Year AD MCMXCVII Monday, October 27th, 1997 ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- If architects made buildings the same way programmers made programs, the first woodpecker to come to a city would destroy civilization. ------------------------------------------- "You never call me!" "You want me to call you after you called me already 8 times today?" "Well, yeah, I'm a woman. I need constant reassurance, you know?" ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial 2. Failing relationships 3. Working in an office: a survival guide (kinda) 4. why icq is the devil 5. ten things to do with half a wheel-trim ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle award: The Bambi Killers page http://www.azstarnet.com/~rgrogan/bambi.htm ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial by Leandro This issue of CoN received a major torpedo hit on the portside (whatever part of the ship that is). IMPROV had sent me two articles to use for the next two issues, and unfortunately, due to some bizarre error along the transfer, each paragraph was missing the end. Since he had sent them to me a few hours before the distribution of this week's issue, I went looking for his number. I found my first girlfriend's phone number, which of course I thought was long lost, but no luck in finding his. I wrote him a desperate e-mail hoping that he would read it and so the minutes are ticking by before midnight. Every Monday, a script written by Gard, the Editor of Spontaneously Combusted Literature and administrator of the Scriba Org server, sends me a report of how many hits CoN's webpages have received and from where some of the hits came from. To my surprise many them look like this: http://www.search.com/Infoseek/1,135,89,0200.html?QUERY=tight+asses& COLL=WW http://guide- p.infoseek.com/Titles?qt=%22TIGHT+ASSES%22&col=WW&sv=A2&pg=q&what=we b&fmt=&q=&x=25&y=5 Okay. So a couple of them were looking for tight asses. I can understand that, since if you search for Capital of Nasty this is what the Query will report back: Offensive Reading for the Masses Achtung! - ATTENTION If you are in search of SMUT, hooters, legs, lips, tight asses, noses, fingers, body hair (male or female) or the Toronto Blizzards Soccer Club, then you have come to ... 100% http://www.capnasty.org (Size 7.6K) This one left me even more surprised. I mean, come'on "How to jack off"? http://www.infoseek.com/Titles?qt=tight+ass&oq=how+to+jack+off&sv=IS &lk=noframes&nh=10&col=New+Search And this one? http://w3.box.sk/cgi- bin/marek/box/box?pwd=&prj=box&gfx=box&txt=Magaziny+spolocenske&key= spomag&fil=*&lan=s I checked it and I got this under Capital of Nasty: "Capital of Nasty - magazin pre tych, ktori sa nechcu dat politicky zorientovat!" Can someone translate that for me? In the last issue of CoN I had published the letters from freak- woman. Remember her? She freaked in Issue 37 and then wrote that she couldn't wait for the next issue to come out. She did not write back but her friends did. Here is one of the letters, the most normal one I could find: From: "Koi Verchandt" Subject: Friends of Bronwyn We love Bronwyn. Be nice to her or expect the revenge of the fluffy bunny hugs. Sincerely not fooling around. The Friends of Bronwyn That message was followed by several virtual postcard with bunnies hugging. To make things worse I found myself caught in a terrible lack of inspiration. I started sobbing with Morbus, the Editor of Devil Shat . For my lack of inspiration he suggested something quite interesting: As for inspiration, beat me. Make me feel like my zine is insignificant. Write something about why Capital of Nasty is better than Devil Shat, and make three points. Tack it to your wall. Send it to me. I'll tack it to my wall. And then we'll have a helluva lot of inspiration for different reasons. Always worked for me. Okay, so here are my three reasons why Capital of Nasty is better than Devil Shat: My e-mail works more often then yours does. Instead of not receiving my message, I get parts of them. Brownyn Mitchell. Do you have your own freak-woman with her little freak-friends writing to you and sending you cuddly fluffy bunny hugs? I think not. Tight Asses and How to jerk off hits: I bet both of them you never got such delights. Ha! Anyway, this editorial is already too long, so I'll stop now. My apologies to you all. I'll leave you with the latest edition of CoN wishing you all a cuddly fluffy bunny hug week. ------------------------------------------- 2. Failing Relationships by Rui Motta Three years ago I nearly got married. Today I still wonder what got me out of that relationship. It must have been a force from up above. And I'm greatful it did. Here's the deal: Sometimes you try too hard to make people around you very happy. It pleases you to see everybody cheerful, happy, smilling faces all over, but you often end up depressed, with a feeling of emptyness that drives you crazy. That happened to me. And I often wondered what had I done to deserve that. You know, we often think about what have we done to deserve something bad, whenever something is not right. And we, most of the times, tend to overlook good things (like pleasing everyone) and concentrate on bad things. That's it: sometimes we do wrong trying to do right. When I finally broke out of that relationship, I felt as if I had won a fight against Mike Tyson when, a few rounds before, I had been on the canvas. And that made me feel like Superman. Boy, that's as good as it gets. I promised, I would never let myself down again. Yes, I realized that I was the one to blame for being in that stinking position, since no one but me wanted to do that. So, from then onwards, I concentrated on being myself, letting others know that I, as well as them, had feelings and that whatever I did to please them I was not letting myself down. And that goes to every and each one of you who can pick something up from this story. I have now a great girlfriend but, from the beginning, I showed her that I was the way I was and that, if we were to take eachothers hand, we would have to take them knowing that they belonged to someone we knew inside out. Do not try to hide nothing inside, because it's only a matter of time it comes out... Show the othe person how you really are. Do not be affraid of being rejected, because if you get rejected, that was meant to be. On the other hand, if you cling together, it's a "Out of this World" feeling. You'll surely know what I'm talking about. When we find someone who we think it's especial, we tend to do everything within us to please them, often forgetting about ourselves. Do not make this mistake. Think of you as well. Don't get me wrong, but when we meet someone who deserves our innemost attention, try, also, to please yourself. That's the only way we can reach the highest point of hapinness in a relationship. I follow what I think and... so far so good. ------------------------------------------- 3. Working in an office: a survival guide (kinda) by Leandro This article was originally meant as a strategy-guide in surviving around the office. But then I realized that it's not a topic worth an article on CoN and that I'm sure we all have good, well paying, soul satisfying office jobs, right? The article that replaces this one needs another name. I was thinking of "Vibrations through the night", so here goes: Vibrations through the night by Leandro I have the bad reputation of being a bad caller. People call me, I don't call them back. One day I get a phone call from Bell, the phone company which I am hooked up with. They ask me if I'd like to try any of their services, the first month being free. Since I had no answering machine, and I keep my line busy most of the time when I am connected to the Internet or I'm simply not at home, I told the guy to set me up for their CallAnswer service, basically a voicemail that answers the phone when I don't pick it up. Or if I am on the line it will take a message just like an ordinary answering machine. When people called, I thought, they can leave a message and I would call them back. Unfortunately I never checked the voicemail, leading to a buildup of messages. Apparentely you cannot have more than 25 messages stored and those poor souls that dared to call me would hear a "this answering machine has exceeded it's maximum amount of allowed messages. Please call back at another time". This pissed off quite a few people, especially when I would return their calls a week later with "Hi! I just heard your message and..." By e-mail I was still fairly reachable, so those that were "online" would get in touch with me that way. That was until I started to receive a lot of e-mails through my several accounts. Then I started to receive a lot of mail because of Capital of Nasty. E-mails accumulated until I had a good 60 or 70 in my inbox waiting for a reply. A reply that by the time I actually wrote it, it was a little too late. More people were getting pissed off. On my 21st birthday, my friends gave me a little box as a present. I opened it up and found inside a pager. An innocent pager, of a dark cranberry colour and cute little buttons that I could push. As I was playing with it, I heard Betty make comments about "unanswered e-mails" and "full voicemails" but I pretended not to hear. The message was clear however, and so for the first few months I actually carried the pager around and when it beeped, I would call people back. Then of course the toy lost its fascination, and once in a while I would forget the pager in my room, only to find it vibrating on the floor. The other day I was leaving for work in a rush and left the little guy on top of one of my metal cabinets. As usual I had set the pager on vibrate, so that it doesn't disturb anyone when it goes off in the middle of the night. When I came back, four hours later, the pager was gone. I look for it in my bag, on my other pair of pants, I even ask my sister thinking she might've took it to play with it, as she often does. Nobody has seen it, nobody knows where it is and my searches prove to be unsuccessful. The noise in the house is slowly dyeing down and my ear catches a sound, similar to the drone of a bee. Not even a second, then it's gone. A minute later I hear it again. And 60 seconds after that again. I finally figure out it's the pager. Someone must've paged me, and the pager probably fell off the cabinet due to the vibrations. "Good," I think, "it's in here somewhere. I'll find it tomorrow". It got quieter in the house. The vibration got louder. Wood, for those that don't know, has the effect of increasing the volume of any sound. I have a wooden floor, the pager was taking full advantage of it every 60 seconds, in it's 1 and a half second dance. Sleeping became impossible. I found myself turning all the lights on, and kneeling down on the floor trying to determine from where exactly the sound was coming from. One and a half second of vibration must not be enough for the human ear to catch the correct location of a small object vibrating on the floor. I was so sure at one time that I knew where it was, that I took everything sitting under the last shelf of the library out. The sound felt like it was coming now from the left, now from the right. And I had to wait 60 precious frustrating torturing seconds for the next little buzz. Eventually I found the pager. It had travelled 16 feet from it's original location. It fell from the cabinet, went under the library, and found a final resting place against the wall under the chair. It was now 4 o'clock in the morning, and I had to be up in less than four hours. I turned the pager off, and it felt as if I had just put my head down on the pillow, since the alarm went off. I guess I have learned my lesson, and this is a warning to you all. If you don't call people, start doing it now before they give you a pager as a birthday gift. If you have a room "organized" like mine, you are going to spend many hours finding the little fucker, and you will realize for the first time in your life how long 60 seconds can be. ------------------------------------------- 4. why icq is the devil by morbus I like new technology and new ideas. I like to be connected to people, not white screens with words on them. I like saying people's names so much that it makes them uncomfortable. I like to be able to think that I am not a computer screen, and rather just someone looking into a big TV. That's part of the reason we do Devil Shat: to be able to communicate our ideas and opinions to a bunch of other people, and to get their responses back. As you might know, I test out a lot of new software. I was one of the first people to get the AOL Instant Messenger Software (of which my name, DevilShat, was recently revealed). And, I am now the proud tester of ICQ for the 68k Macintosh. How I got the software, and why I did is not the question, answer, or solution. But rather: THE QUESTION: Why did you stay away from ICQ? THE ANSWER: ICQ is the Devil. THE SOLUTION: Explain why ICQ is the Devil, and then wholeheartedly embrace the technology. Okay... you see, a long time ago, I read the Bible. It wasn't something I was forced to do, it was something I wanted to do. I never understood why people criticize anything without getting enough information about it. One of the things that I remember is that when Satan came to kick some ass, everyone was going to receive a mark on their forehead or their right hand, and without that mark, we would not be able to buy or sell. And the mark would be the name of the beast, and the name of the beast is the number six hundred sixty six. Yada, yada, yada. For the longest time, I sat back in my great philosopher's chair, stroked my invisible goatee, and sucked on my bubble pipe and said that we were already in the Armageddon, simply because the barcode is a perfect representation of the mark. From there, I moved onto the idea of the "e-card", an electronic id that would hold all your money and all your transactions... replacing wealth with "credits". But those aren't the true marks, merely harbingers. I would hesitate to say (but do I must) that ICQ is the mark of the beast. ICQ, one of the most prolific Internet paging services, has finally jumped the platform from PC to Mac, and as such, has now accomplished almost complete integration with the computer world. The major difference between ICQ and most other online services (except Compuserve) is that you are represented by numbers. You are not a face, nor a name, but rather something evilly called a UIN. Your UIN is who you are... your name and info are second-best. For example, my UIN is 2927491. Isn't that peaceful? Were I playing Seven Card, I would have a pretty good starting hand. But in ICQ, I am just one of millions. It seems innocent at first, but when I went to their website to get more information, I realized that it is a lot more than innocence. Your number can optionally be added to hundreds of different groups of other numbers, all sharing something in common. You like trading lighters at Verve Pipe concerts? There is a group for you. And they proclaim wonderful availability. Why, you can even put your ICQ number on a business card, and people can contact you whenever you're online! Yet another vice of the devil: the loss of freedom. Much like a cellular phone on a vacation, anyone can intrude on you at any time. And like we are so prone to do, we can't just let a phone ring, or a pager vibrate... we have to do something about it. Otherwise, why do we bother paying for the service? So, "Morbus," you ask, "if ICQ is so damn evil, why should we embrace it?" Ahk, I dunno. A couple of disjointed reasons. One: hell, everybody's doin it. Two: It transform the harshness of the internet into a more friendly, online service environment. One of the nice things I remember about AOL was the fact that when people I knew came online, I could have a nice chat with them. Three: Nice implementation. In the PC version, there is support for a number of different games or "extras" that allow you to extend it into much more than just a pager program. Of course, as with any advice, there is always an equal number of vices. Everybody's doin it. Yeah, that's good, but the first day I used it, the network shut down for fifteen minutes at a time. Perhaps a mirror of an AOL denial of service. And sure, it makes the mean ol' internet user friendly, but it also intrudes into your work, and perhaps your "veg" time. And, yes, it may be pretty, and have a whole bunch of neat little add-ons, but those are only a few of the tricks to lull us into a false sense of security. Already on discussion groups do I see threads consisting of "intercepting ICQ messages" and so forth. It won't be long before the media starts using credit card scare tactics. Should we embrace the devil? We have before. This article appeared courtesy of Disobey, and appeared originally in Devil Shat, a biweekly zine that is better than Capital of Nasty because they keep borrowing articles from it to use in this zine. Subscriptions can be sent to morbus@disobey.com. Or, you can read them all at the website: http://www.disobey.com ------------------------------------------- 5. ten things to do with half a wheel-trim by The alarmingly uneventful Adventures of Rik A fancy dress hat. A delightful tray for serving light refreshment at parties. A crap frisbee. A bizarre torture device for dwarves. A snow-shoe. A strange temple for insects. A device that no home can be without for gullible fools. A stupidly small shield for medievil questing knights. A handy bird table for the garden of accountants from Slough. .ooo, erm,hmmm,can anyone else think of a number 10? does anyone care? Thought not... BIG FIGHT OF THE FORTNIGHT Yup, you read correctly this fortnights competitors are Leonard the shrimp vs George the manhole cover Who do YOU think will win? Write an e-mail to me marked "Vote for the fight" so that I can delete them immediately. Remember when making your choice, the shrimp, though vicious in packs doesnt really have the brute strength to penetrate the thick metal of the manhole cover. But if course the manhole cover doesnt actually move much. Send your comments to: Rik or visit http://www.btinternet.com/~weird.stuff1/Rik1.htm. [Rik informs me that he will disappear from the scene for a while since he decided to join a religious monk group in Nepal to find himself and escape the tyranny and evilness of the 'Net - Ed.] ------------------------------------------- (1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything is sometimes.