Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume III, Issue 5, AD MCMXCVIII Monday, March 9th, 1998 ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers due to the Millennium Bug results in severe understaffing of fast food restaurants. ------------------------------------------- "You know... I was expecting a war to break out by now. Too bad." ------------------------------------------- 1. Titanic and letters 2. Clinton 3. Poetry for Two Voices 4. The Millennium 'Experience' 5. C++ is a waste of time ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle award: The A-Klasse Diana Tunnel Racer http://www.fork.de/games/diana/play.htm ------------------------------------------- 1. Titanic and letters by Leandro THERE IS NOT A DOG IN TOWN that hasn't been telling me that I should watch Titanic. They are in love with the movie. They have watched it already six times and want me to go with them and watch it again. People that wanted to hate the movie, or promised they weren't going to see it, came back completely brainwashed and repeating like drones "go... see... Titanic... movie... good. must... enjoy... love story." What the hell is going on here? A former flame of mine has been shattering my bullocks about it. Everytime she hears the Celine Dion song, she has to stop, sigh and tell me some new detail about the movie. "Oh Leo! They spent their most beautiful three days of their life together!" I'm sorry, did I say I cared? "Oh, she is so beautiful and he draws her naked because he is a poor artist!" Yeah, what is it with the "poor artist" thing anyway? Even in the opera Rigoletto, his daughter falls in love with a guy who passes himself for a "poor artist". Poor artist my ass! Why isn't he a grocery clerk? Or the editor of a zine? Or some-sort of web-programmer? I bet my buttocks, that if I go and chat with a girl and I say "I am a poor artist--" she'll be all over me before I can finish the sentence. Now, unfortunately I will have to see this movie, for two reasons: first of all, I can't go around dissing it if I haven't seen it yet. I've heard enough of it to make me puke for a while, but it's still no excuse. Second, my girlfriend read IMPROV's article on Titanic and guess what? She goes "if your friend IMPROV liked it, then we must go see it!" No, really, we don't! What is it with women and these love stories anyway? 200 million dollars spent on a 45 cent script. Had I picked up a Harmony book at random, changed a few things so it would fit on a big ship, dropped Leonardo Di Caprio in it and made sure the love story ended in tragedy, people would love it. It doesn't matter how cheesy the story is, as long as it ends in tragedy, then it's a great love story. Had Titanic ended with the two main characters happily married, nobody would've bothered me so much, nor would this have been such a great story. Perhaps I'm bitter. As I wait patiently for the deadline to arrive and for my chance to endure... err... watch the movie with my girlfriend, I fear but one thing: that I might enjoy the movie. However, I still think that if you want to watch a real love story, you should stick to The English Patient. Letters In my article "The Meaning of Life" that appeared in CoN III.4 I originally wrote: >> ... war will not be fought in a civilized manner like in WW I or >> WWII. This time it will be Chemical. Chen Drori replies: > Not to be the prodigal pain-in-the-ass, but just to point out this > inaccuracy - if This time will be Chemical, as Leandro points out, it > won't be different than the Last time or a few specific other times. > Chemical and Biological warfare has already been carried out, even by > Iraq itself, but not only by it. Iraq has used chemical agents such as > nerve gas and other assorted flavors of toxins against the Kurdish > minorities in the northern part of the country, as a part of Pres. > Hussein's plan to eradicate the Kurdish people. Even Japan has had a > part in this. In WW-II The japanese used biological warfare in their > invasion into China. They even had a whole POW camp in use as a > biological warfare test site (film footage exists of japanese > scientists walking around the campsite with gas masks and lab coats > on, taking samples and examining the prisoners). > And you know what? That's not the first time, either. In medieval > times, the besiegers of cities used to catapult rotting and diseased > corpses over the city walls, so that they would spread infection and > weaken the cities' defenses. If that's the case, in the Wild West, Indians were given blankets as gifts during "peace" treaties. However these blankets originally had been used in hospitals as blankets for very sick patients. The Native Americans' immune system, not having experienced the European diseases, quickly got sick and many of them died. However, that wasn't the point of the story. The point was that we should live it up now. The inability we have to control what is in the air reflects on our inability to control what life throws at us. We could be dead tomorrow with a typical bus running us over. Chemical or not, enjoy life to its fullest and make sure you got a good book waiting for you at the can. Beside that, you are a pain in the ass. There is always some freak that has to write back and add their two cents worth on something. Next thing I know, I'll check my mailbox and someone will have written how his or her testicles have more hair then our Golden nard. >> "Well, yeah" I answered as casually as I could "sex is almost as >> essential as food. In fact, I can't think life without either of >> them". > Just in relation to this - did you know that sex is just like > breathing air? Yes, it's totally unessential - but only as long as > you're getting enough of it! Breathing doesn't seem so unessential to me. If I stop breathing, I turn purple. If I stop having sex, I turn red and hot and I need a cold shower to cool down. So yes, we better get enough of it. However I don't understand how it can be unessential. You got to check your priorities, I think. Sirine Hijal kindly informs us why she reads CoN: > I realized why I subscribed to this zine: a good book for a good > shit.... > your zine is from now on going to be a permanent guest of my bathroom > window sill. And lastly, Julian Yap sends us his "CoN Comments" > To Mr Editor, > I find your fine publication very entertaining indeed. If fact, > it's the best thing I read on a regular basis. I only stumbled onto > your magazine by accident through the ALT.EZINES newsgroup but I'm > glad I did. Your 'zine truly shits over all other 'zines. My only > gripe is that your online web site does not do your 'zine justice. > ie. it's shit. I find that IMPROV is my favourite writer because he > shits on about his sex life and stuff but sometimes he just shits on > for the sake of shitting on and on those cases, he's pretty shit. > Keep up the black, sardonic humour and throw in some more sexual > references (just what the public wants). Dear Julian, thank you for your comments. I hope that you have the shits while reading our next issue. This will ensure you will seriously enjoy your toilet time and that yet another issue of CoN ends up sitting on someone's washroom window sill. Have a good one folks. ------------------------------------------- 2. Clinton by IMPROV Okay, so I'm watching NBC Nightly News (why I still haven't figured out, except for the fact that there's only so much "innovation" one can take in a day from Toronto based CITY-TV). The lead in story is "Crisis in the Whitehouse", another riveting story about the case of the intern who blew. Call it what you want, Lewinsky Gate, Zipper Gate, or Starr Wars, I could care less! Followed by a piece explaining that the U.S. has sent 75 more warplanes to the Persian Gulf (bringing the number of U.S. jets in the gulf the 350). The story proceeds to say that the troops are poised and ready to attack at any moment...which in some people's opinion puts the world on the brink of a third world war. Why am I giving you a report on "What I saw..."? Because I have one simple question, "Since when did the leader of the free world's sexual promiscuity become more important then the possibility of NUCLEAR FREAKIN' WAR?!?" Here we are on the other side of the world wondering around under the illusion that Bill Clinton's much travelled dick is more important than an Iraqi-Russian alliance. Am I the only one who has a problem with this? Who gives a rat's ass if old Tubby is boffing everything that moves in the White House? I'll tell ya who. It's the same mid-western inbreeds who think Springer is quality television. Don't blame the networks, because they're giving the American public what they want. People don't want to know about political strife on theother side of the planet, they want the scoop on how crooked the president's member is. Personally, I could care less if Lewinski & Bill did it on the Oval Office desk during the State of The Union Address (now there'd be some ratings!). That's the sad truth, we live in an era where the Pamela & Tommy Lee video is in as great a demand as Too Hot For TV! I'm far from a moralist, and would never condemn one for getting they're kicks (as long as they didn't involve children or livestock) including the President of The United States of America. But people don't care about real problems... what so you think about more: Iraq's chemical and nuclear armoury or Clinton's preferences concerning swallowing and kissing afterwards? ------------------------------------------- 3. Poetry for Two Voices: The Unawakening by Lilith DemHareIs Dominant: Diminutive: Gather your blossoms and kiss them goodbye. They fall away in splendour blown. Say gone gone, we are dead gone, we are dead wake me nevermore. Please do not cry it's just you are born, you grow and then you die, and I Say gone, gone, are you gone, are you, too, dead? dead? Just wake me nevermore. wake me nevermore. Let me sleep. Because I have wandered. I wonder, A last Soulless soul. A last Soulless soul. I am now alone. And so I say gone, gone, gone, they all are dead. Will we wake will we wake nevermore? ------------------------------------------- 4. The Millennium 'Experience' by The alarmingly uneventful Adventures of 'sum-fink from my hed' (Milkshake) now, i dont know if any of you readers from countries other than Britain know about this as i dont happen to live in those countries. But at this very moment, in greenwhich there is a huge construction site where something special is being built for the turn of the new millenium. What it basically is, is a huge tent with 'edcuational' but 'fun' rides (i dont see how these two words fit in the same sentance, but they are nevertheless) Its going to stay up for a year. Its going to cost one adult around 17 pounds to get in Its going to cost seven hundred and fifty million pounds to construct. and its apparently going to show that britain is leading the way into the new millenium, how that is supposed to happen is beyond me. Now, some of you may think this is rather a good idea, I would have to disagree, especially when looking at the current state of the country. Half of the schools in this country are falling apart, the NHS and other areas of the welfare state are having to take big cuts and take shortcuts because they haven't got enough money to go around. I would have thought i secure economy and a thriving welfare state would be a much better way of moving into a new era rather than a tent in the south east of the country that most people wont even see But what do i know i'm just a student. Send your comments to: Rik or visit http://www.btinternet.com/~weird.stuff1/Rik1.htm. ------------------------------------------- 5. C++ is a waste of time this article courtesy of Dynamis. Those in the underground will know. This is a really interesting thing for us C++ programmers (or those who have an interest in it). FYI, Bjarne Stroustrup is the inventor of C++ and Dennis Ritchie is the inventor of C/Unix. ______________________________________________________________ On the 1st of January, 1998, Bjarne Stroustrup gave an interview to the IEEE's 'Computer' magazine. Naturally, the editors thought he would be giving a retrospective view of seven years of object-oriented design, using the language he created. By the end of the interview, the interviewer got more than he had bargained for and, subsequently, the editor decided to suppress its contents, 'for the good of the industry' but, as with many of these things, there was a leak. Here is a complete transcript of what was said, unedited, and unrehearsed, so it isn't as neat as planned interviews. You will find it interesting... __________________________________________________________________ Interviewer: Well, it's been a few years since you changed the world of software design, how does it feel, looking back? Stroustrup: Actually, I was thinking about those days, just before you arrived. Do you remember? Everyone was writing 'C' and, the trouble was, they were pretty damn good at it. Universities got pretty good at teaching it, too. They were turning out competent - I stress the word 'competent' - graduates at a phenomenal rate. That's what caused the problem. Interviewer: Problem? Stroustrup: Yes, problem. Remember when everyone wrote Cobol? Interviewer: Of course, I did too Stroustrup: Well, in the beginning, these guys were like demi-gods. Their salaries were high, and they were treated like royalty. Interviewer: Those were the days, eh? Stroustrup: Right. So what happened? IBM got sick of it, and invested millions in training programmers, till they were a dime a dozen. Interviewer: That's why I got out. Salaries dropped within a year, to the point where being a journalist actually paid better. Stroustrup: Exactly. Well, the same happened with 'C' programmers. Interviewer: I see, but what's the point? Stroustrup: Well, one day, when I was sitting in my office, I thought of this little scheme, which would redress the balance a little. I thought 'I wonder what would happen, if there were a language so complicated, so difficult to learn, that nobody would ever be able to swamp the market with programmers? Actually, I got some of the ideas from X10, you know, X windows. That was such a bitch of a graphics system, that it only just ran on those Sun 3/60 things. They had all the ingredients for what I wanted. A really ridiculously complex syntax, obscure functions, and pseudo-OO structure. Even now, nobody writes raw X-windows code. Motif is the only way to go if you want to retain your sanity. Interviewer: You're kidding...? Stroustrup: Not a bit of it. In fact, there was another problem. Unix was written in 'C', which meant that any 'C' programmer could very easily become a systems programmer. Remember what a mainframe systems programmer used to earn? Interviewer: You bet I do, that's what I used to do. Stroustrup: OK, so this new language had to divorce itself from Unix, by hiding all the system calls that bound the two together so nicely. This would enable guys who only knew about DOS to earn a decent living too. Interviewer: I don't believe you said that... Stroustrup: Well, it's been long enough, now, and I believe most people have figured out for themselves that C++ is a waste of time but, I must say, it's taken them a lot longer than I thought it would. Interviewer: So how exactly did you do it? Stroustrup: It was only supposed to be a joke, I never thought people would take the book seriously. Anyone with half a brain can see that object-oriented programming is counter-intuitive, illogical and inefficient. Interviewer: What? Stroustrup: And as for 're-useable code' - when did you ever hear of a company re-using its code? Interviewer: Well, never, actually, but... Stroustrup: There you are then. Mind you, a few tried, in the early days. There was this Oregon company - Mentor Graphics, I think they were called - really caught a cold trying to rewrite everything in C++ in about '90 or '91. I felt sorry for them really, but I thought people would learn from their mistakes. Interviewer: Obviously, they didn't? Stroustrup: Not in the slightest. Trouble is, most companies hush-up all their major blunders, and explaining a $30 million loss to the shareholders would have been difficult. Give them their due, though, they made it work in the end. Interviewer: They did? Well, there you are then, it proves O-O works. Stroustrup: Well, almost. The executable was so huge, it took five minutes to load, on an HP workstation, with 128MB of RAM. Then it ran like treacle. Actually, I thought this would be a major stumbling-block, and I'd get found out within a week, but nobody cared. Sun and HP were only too glad to sell enormously powerful boxes, with huge resources just to run trivial programs. You know, when we had our first C++ compiler, at AT&T, I compiled 'Hello World', and couldn't believe the size of the executable. 2.1MB Interviewer: What? Well, compilers have come a long way, since then. Stroustrup: They have? Try it on the latest version of g++ - you won't get much change out of half a megabyte. Also, there are several quite recent examples for you, from all over the world. British Telecom had a major disaster on their hands but, luckily, managed to scrap the whole thing and start again. They were luckier than Australian Telecom. Now I hear that Siemens is building a dinosaur, and getting more and more worried as the size of the hardware gets bigger, to accommodate the executables. Isn't multiple inheritance a joy? Interviewer: Yes, but C++ is basically a sound language. Stroustrup: You really believe that, don't you? Have you ever sat down and worked on a C++ project? Here's what happens: First, I've put in enough pitfalls to make sure that only the most trivial projects will work first time. Take operator overloading. At the end of the project, almost every module has it, usually, because guys feel they really should do it, as it was in their training course. The same operator then means something totally different in every module. Try pulling that lot together, when you have a hundred or so modules. And as for data hiding. God, I sometimes can't help laughing when I hear about the problems companies have making their modules talk to each other. I think the word 'synergistic' was specially invented to twist the knife in a project manager's ribs. Interviewer: I have to say, I'm beginning to be quite appalled at all this. You say you did it to raise programmers' salaries? That's obscene. Stroustrup: Not really. Everyone has a choice. I didn't expect the thing to get so much out of hand. Anyway, I basically succeeded. C++ is dying off now, but programmers still get high salaries - especially those poor devils who have to maintain all this crap. You do realize, it's impossible to maintain a large C++ software module if you didn't actually write it? Interviewer: How come? Stroustrup: You are out of touch, aren't you? Remember the typedef? Interviewer: Yes, of course. Stroustrup: Remember how long it took to grope through the header files only to find that 'RoofRaised' was a double precision number? Well, imagine how long it takes to find all the implicit typedefs in all the Classes in a major project. Interviewer: So how do you reckon you've succeeded? Stroustrup: Remember the length of the average-sized 'C' project? About 6 months. Not nearly long enough for a guy with a wife and kids to earn enough to have a decent standard of living. Take the same project, design it in C++ and what do you get? I'll tell you. One to two years. Isn't that great? All that job security, just through one mistake of judgement. And another thing. The universities haven't been teaching 'C' for such a long time, there's now a shortage of decent 'C' programmers. Especially those who know anything about Unix systems programming. How many guys would know what to do with 'malloc', when they've used 'new' all these years - and never bothered to check the return code. In fact, most C++ programmers throw away their return codes. Whatever happened to good ol' '-1'? At least you knew you had an error, without bogging the thing down in all that 'throw' 'catch' 'try' stuff. Interviewer: But, surely, inheritance does save a lot of time? Stroustrup: Does it? Have you ever noticed the difference between a 'C' project plan, and a C++ project plan? The planning stage for a C++ project is three times as long. Precisely to make sure that everything which should be inherited is, and what shouldn't isn't. Then, they still get it wrong. Whoever heard of memory leaks in a 'C' program? Now finding them is a major industry. Most companies give up, and send the product out, knowing it leaks like a sieve, simply to avoid the expense of tracking them all down. Interviewer: There are tools... Stroustrup: Most of which were written in C++. Interviewer: If we publish this, you'll probably get lynched, you do realize that? Stroustrup: I doubt it. As I said, C++ is way past its peak now, and no company in its right mind would start a C++ project without a pilot trial. That should convince them that it's the road to disaster. If not, they deserve all they get. You know, I tried to convince Dennis Ritchie to rewrite Unix in C++. Interviewer: Oh my God. What did he say? Stroustrup: Well, luckily, he has a good sense of humor. I think both he and Brian figured out what I was doing, in the early days, but never let on. He said he'd help me write a C++ version of DOS, if I was interested. Interviewer: Were you? Stroustrup: Actually, I did write DOS in C++, I'll give you a demo when we're through. I have it running on a Sparc 20 in the computer room. Goes like a rocket on 4 CPU's, and only takes up 70 megs of disk. Interviewer: What's it like on a PC? Stroustrup: Now you're kidding. Haven't you ever seen Windows '95? I think of that as my biggest success. Nearly blew the game before I was ready, though. Interviewer: You know, that idea of a Unix++ has really got me thinking. Somewhere out there, there's a guy going to try it. Stroustrup: Not after they read this interview. Interviewer: I'm sorry, but I don't see us being able to publish any of this. Stroustrup: But it's the story of the century. I only want to be remembered by my fellow programmers, for what I've done for them. You know how much a C++ guy can get these days? Interviewer: Last I heard, a really top guy is worth $70 - $80 an hour. Stroustrup: See? And I bet he earns it. Keeping track of all the gotchas I put into C++ is no easy job. And, as I said before, every C++ programmer feels bound by some mystic promise to use every damn element of the language on every project. Actually, that really annoys me sometimes, even though it serves my original purpose. I almost like the language after all this time. Interviewer: You mean you didn't before? Stroustrup: Hated it. It even looks clumsy, don't you agree? But when the book royalties started to come in... well, you get the picture. Interviewer: Just a minute. What about references? You must admit, you improved on 'C' pointers. Stroustrup: Hmm. I've always wondered about that. Originally, I thought I had. Then, one day I was discussing this with a guy who'd written C++ from the beginning. He said he could never remember whether his variables were referenced or dereferenced, so he always used pointers. He said the little asterisk always reminded him. Interviewer: Well, at this point, I usually say 'thank you very much' but it hardly seems adequate. Stroustrup: Promise me you'll publish this. My conscience is getting the better of me these days. Interviewer: I'll let you know, but I think I know what my editor will say. Stroustrup: Who'd believe it anyway? Although, can you send me a copy of that tape? Interviewer: I can do that. ------------------------------------------- CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org. Media you can abuse!!! You get to beat da' be-jesus outta those annoying Hanson jerks!!! Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse" In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere Published every second Monday (or when we get around it) Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive Comments, queries and submissions are welcome http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471 A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost electronically. Available on Usenet newsgroups alt.zines and alt.ezines. This mailing is sent exclusively to those poor souls who chose to subscribe to the Capital of Nasty mailing list. Spread the word! If you have friends who would like to receive CoN, ask them to send email to join@capnasty.org. If you'd like to unsubscribe because such email aggravates your tolerance for reading material while sitting by the washroom window sill, simply send an empty message to leave@capnasty.org. Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat) Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D