Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume III, Issue 13, AD MCMXCVIII Monday, July 6th, 1998 (well, Friday at this point) ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- "The employer generally gets the employees he deserves." -- Walter Bilbey Jeffery Dahmer doesn't work here. ------------------------------------------- WHAT IS YOUR GENDER -- ICQ User 14789233 ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial 2. The Best Jobs 3. The Porn Store FAQ 4. Whooosh ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle award: After Pulp Fiction, the Gimp got a Job http://www.runningwithscissors.com ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial Welcome to yet another incredibly delayed issue of Capital of Nasty. What excuse do I have this week? Oh yes, my Windows95 machine decided to completely die on me. Before I managed to find all the zip disks scattered around the floor of the room to re-install everything and put this issue together, a few days went by. Special thanks go to our co-editor, Colin Barrett, who provided invaluable assistance in putting everything back together. Please, no e-mails that I should switch to Linux. I beg you. LETTERS - J.W. wrote in regards to our "all-sex" issue of CoN: > Dear Sir, > > I am writing you this e-mail in regards to your zine (CoN). > When I requested a copy of it a week or so ago, I did not realize > the sort of obcene and objectionable material it would contain. > The copy you sent me (III.12) was pure filth. The gay porn it > contained (you'd probably call it homoerotica) was quite offensive > and in rather poor taste. Knowing you, I had expected something > better. You are above this sort of disgusting trash, and should > set your sights higher. I will remain on the CoN subcribers > list, but I am warning you and all of your fellow contributors > that if this motif of "homoerotica" continues, I will be forced > to un-subscribe. > > Best of luck with your next (and hopefully de-gaypornofied) issue, > J.W. SCRIBA ORG - Spontaneously Combusted Literature has made CoN headquarters part of their "East of Wabash" tour. They will be having a lot of fun. WE will be having a lot of fun. And no, we will not be singing about the Wabash Cannonball. For more info, visit http://www.scriba.org/wabash/ ZINES - A new monthly paper zine, called Lemon Wedge, dealing with anarchist issues, anti-fascism (hmm, did they look at our main page image?), vegetarianism, animal & human rights (beat a seal for world peace), and much more has just started in Hagerstown, Maryland. Featuring many creative articles, as well as a few from CoN, you can get it delivered directly to your house for just the price of a few postage stamps. For more info, e-mail Luscious, the editor of Lemon Wedge at Sandoz911@aol.com, and she will be glad to answer any of your questions. This marks the end for this issue of CoN. My apologies goes to our readership that had to endure in this long delay. Our next issue will be about "people we hate". Remember, bitter is better. Run along now. ------------------------------------------- 2. The Best Jobs by Lilith DemHareIs "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I still ask that question today. What we are and what we want to be tend to be two different things. (Although some of us tend to get closer than others.) Back when money or job security was not a concern, we would dream about what we would do when we 'grew up.' "I wanna be a fireman." I wanna be a schoolteacher." "I wanna be a cowboy." We never thought about having to pay taxes, or if we forgot to set the timer for the deep-fry. All we cared about was doing something we loved, and doing it well. The satisfaction of a job well done was reward enough for us. It's amazing the wisdom children possess. The best jobs are the ones we are willing to do for free. It's a shame that we need money in this world. It's a shame we have to pay rent, buy food, and pay off HECS or Stanford Student Loans. The world would be a much happier place without money. (But I digress.) Don't ask yourself 'what you want to be when you grow up,' because the question tarnishes through adult eyes. Instead, ask yourself: If money was not a concern, what would you do in life? Only the dull or the mega-losers in life would say that they would much rather sit on their butts all day and watch TV. Most people have an idea on something they'd much rather do than the soulsucking job they've got now. Me, I'd write. I'd write and publish. Or I'd be on stage or screen, either performing or crew. Tightrope walking in the circus would be fun. I'd breed cats. (And none of those fancy showcats. I'd breed the common Domestic American Shorthairs for their mousing qualities.) Maybe I'd compose music. Or teach a class or two. And you'd never *EVER* catch me asking you if 'you want fries with that.' Ever. So maybe I'll never do all of that. I don't expect to. It'd take my whole life to achieve the unrealistic stuff. But I do expect to do *some* of it. I've worked hard to achieve at least one of those things that I'd like to do. And why shouldn't I? Why should I put lots of time and effort into something if it's not going to lead me to do what I want to do? Do you? Many of us work ourselves into a rut. We get stuck in dead-end jobs that aren't anything near what we want to do. Circumstances, luck, and poor choices help stick us there. Sure, we have to work to pay the rent. But don't let that be the be-all and end-all of existence. If we're not doing something each day to put us one step closer to where we want to be, then truly we are in a rut. Education is usually the ticket out. Someone *somewhere* offers a class on what you want to do in life. On the other hand you can take it slow, and get educated in some skills that will allow you a slightly better job than the one you have. Maybe earn more money, have better hours that will allow you to take more classes, or you can meet new people that are going somewhere. Often it's who you know, as much as what you know, that gets you somewhere. I know lots and lots of writers who are good at their craft, but they don't know who to talk to to get their stuff on the market. I know lots of good actors. But they don't know who to talk to to snag the auditions. Get out and meet new people. They'll take you places. They'll know even more people, and you'll end up going somewhere. If you're lucky to be young, NEVER EVER take the 'easy way out' of things. Don't drop out of school early because you don't like the way teachers treat you. When you take the easy way out, that is the sure road to mediocreville. (Unless of course, flipping burgers is your life-long dream.) Get involved in extracurricular activities. Join a few clubs. Apply to a university. Take training courses. Travel a little bit. (Travel is very good.) Read books in a subject you've never read before. Maybe all of us won't become tightrope walkers. But that doesn't mean we couldn't end up on the trapeze. I may not be making big bucks on writing at the moment, but I am getting published. ------------------------------------------- 3. The Porn Store Pt.1 of (possibly many but not right now): Employee FAQ file. By Mescalin (Note: Do not let the sex title fool, this article is merely a desperate ploy to get myself arrested for drug trafficking and round out a resume of vice and corruption. As a vegetarian, I have sold the carcasses of chickens and cows for profit to a capitalist venture(1). I have sold alcohol and have one of those silly little "Serving It Right" cards(2). I have sold cigarettes and cigars in more minimum-wage+$.25-so-we-as-the-management-feel-a-little-better- about-ourselves-for-wage-slaving-you jobs to yes *gasp* minors because I really didn't care to ask for ID and less they were being a jerk to begin with. And obviously as my "lurid" tales are about to inform you, *I* the slightly SNAGgy(3) guy from a nice middle class suburban family have peddle SMUT! Wooohooo! So if you can help to arrange an arrest for the possession of an illegal (& preferably soft) drug, pls contact me @ wx191@victoria.tcn.ca and help my career of degeneracy complete!) * * * Okay so LAN had a sex issue here @ CON and I missed the chance to contribute to that. Fortunately, he followed it up with a "jobs" ish and it just worked out so perfectly! Now, at last, to an audience of possibly dozens, I can expound the wondrous going ons that plague the boredom of your average porno-joint employees. But first let me begin by saying this: please don't Misunderstand me. Working there was strange but not enthralling. I was looking for a very non-demanding job that would allow me to study for University classes for hours on end or watch movies and read books and still get paid for the only sporadic interruptions of passers-by. Alas, my life-long dream to be a parking lot booth attendant has not panned out either as I may have hoped for so this will be that ultimate job for me it seems. And you may not believe this after I've worked in a porn store, I'm not a lech either. I've got a great gf who's nowhere near the bimbo-esque proportions of the porn industry and has a real spirit and personality which I love her for and I couldn't be happier with. I worked for a chain called "Red Hot Video" which is one of only three major porn chains out here on the West Coast of Canada. The second is a company called "Adults Only Video" and the third doesn't seem to have a name, they just seem to share the same love of tacky yellow awnings outside their Granville and Hastings St. stores. All are pretty much 1 part video sales and rentals to 1 part toys and magazines. I had a manager called "D", and two main co-employees "C" and "T"(4). When I sat down to write this, I had just way, way too much material to put into one article so I decided I'll just start with the basics. Later, if my writing isn't too horrible and I'm not stabbed to death with a bible by anti-porn activists, I'll tell more stories. So now then without further ADO for enjoyment, mirth(5), and/or consideration.... HERE is the porn store employee FAQ: Q: Do you have that like hard core movie that Markie Post(Night Court), Marina Sirtis (ST:TNG), or Courtney Cox (Friends), etc.. etc... did before she got famous? I heard she got all nasty and.... A: No. And I hope with the advent of the Internet this will never come up as a serious question again. If they had done anything even vaguely pornographic don't you think it would be as badly dragged up and shoved in our faces as all those movies where David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson had two second nude or simulated sex scenes? Remember "The Italian Stallion"? It's the only time I ever actually cried at a Stallone movie and that's just because it's the only thing worse than "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot!" (8) This is also not counting the innumerable quests for that "lost" (meaning mainstream not home) porno movie that Pam Anderson did in her early days. Unfortunately, this came true and I'm still getting spammed with e-mail to see it 2 years after the fact. Ugh!(7) - Q: Wow, are those real? A: No, they're bigger than her head and torso put together. This is still one of the most frightening aspects of the porn industry to me. Not simply for the size being inhuman but it's becoming more and more porn-chic to not even bother pretending that they are real. Many is the video box I shelved away where the porn actress smiled happily bearing HUGE red (and sometimes swollen) scars on the undersides of each nipple. Men still rented the videos.(6) - Q: You must get real horny working here, huh? A: No, mostly hungry. I was next to a corner store and could lock up for brief periods when there were no customers around to grab something to eat or get some change. I remember thinking more about dinner than the porn most days. After all, it's same stuff I had to be bored with looking at the day before. My manager "D" once said the only thing I couldn't do behind the counter when nobody was around to be served was jack off. He also tried to assure me shortly after that the video cams in the store didn't actually work and were just for show. I still don't know if he was telling the truth the cameras and I don't know if he meant anything by putting those two thoughts so close together. - Q: Can I return...? A: (pointing at sign as I read it aloud) No returns on sex toys or lingerie. C'mon, common sense here PLEASE! - Q: Well, where do these come from? A: 90% of all porn in Canada comes from L.A. and is made by about the same group of 20 or so pornographers, about 5% is European, 4% comes from New York or somewhere else in the U.S.A. but mostly NY and there's an odd 1% that comes from "elsewhere". This "elsewhere" did include quite a few titles from Quebec but they were just sold stateside and brought back to Canada with the other run-of-the-mill stuff. _ Q: Oh my God! A: Yes, Ron Jeremy is *the* ugliest man alive and yes he does work porn and yes, he did get his start in porn because he could (and still can at 300+ lbs) suck his own dick. He had a life time goal he set himself when started working porn in about 1980 or so to star in at least 1,000 porn movies. He has since past that goal as of about 5 years ago and is working on getting to 2 or 3,000 videos now as I recall but is concentrating more on producing now. He was vaguely more attractive of course when he started out. However, the most accurate descriptions of his more youthful appearance generally follow along the lines of a "real life version of Mario from Super Mario Bros with extra back & ear hair too! or "Gabe Kaplan on steroids". - Q: Can I rent with my wife/girlfriend's Driver's License and Visa? A: Unless you are a knock-dead stand in for her with the same signature, no. And yes, I did have to be polite while MANY men asked me this stupid question. Usually the wife/gf did know he was going out to rent a dirty video but there was a few that seem to not appreciate why this was a stupid question to begin with. As a side observation, the porn industry actually figures that about 30% of its market is female though you wouldn't know it from looking at the video shelves. The reason is that a lot of women were afraid to go in and deal directly over the counter. Ergo the boyfriend got the job of going to the porn store and probably only about 2% of the customers were female. - Q: Oh my God are those real? A: No, his doesn't match his own skintone and the other guy's is a purple jelly with sparkly things in it. I am sad to say that a company called Raunch-o-Rama popularized the FAUX-sex-freak genre in the early 90's with a series called "Freaks of Nature" and spurned other companies to make similar knock-offs. Generally, this involved oversized genitalia that was little more than just an oversized sex toy everybody would pretend was actually attached to the actor/actresses body though it quite obviously wasn't. As an extension of the fake-boob thing one regular actress in the series appeared "over-sized" with (I'm not making this up) paper-mache' tits strapped on with a Naugahyde bra. One day a medical doctor actually rented one of these atrocities in his porn pile. I reconsidered medicare for awhile. - Q: Do you have that movie with the blonde? A: Yes, the one with the big fake tits? A2: Yeah, her! - Q: Do you have Bambi or Top Gun? Q2: Do you know what kind of store you just called or walked into? Oddly enough, if the person had walked into the store, they usually didn't ask this question until after they've looked over all the main shelves and picked up a video or two. - And last but not least for now: Q: Is it okay to bring the baby in? I don't want to leave him/her in the car. A: Yes or no. (Depending on how much trouble I thought it would cause). At least once every week or two I would have to explain a young couple that came in that "No One under 18" does include infants and newborns in B.C. The concept that 2 months old was indeed under 18 year of age seemed to confuse most people. But given that most of the younguns were in those carry stroller/cradles and were still having trouble focusing on those pink things at the end of the their arms that weren't covered in wool or flannel, I didn't feel bad about the possibility of corrupting these minors. Usually, it was a compromise in the end. I told the parents, who obviously weren't perverts just sex-positive adults without too much forethought, they could stay and the baby could come in but that they had to put a blanket loosely over the cradle so there infant would not be corrupted. Based on subsequent stories of what I have heard (3rd hand, mind you) about B.C. provincial film classification people, I still fully expected them to come charging in with an arrest warrant for having a minor on the premise. Mind you, it was the Saskatchewan and not the B.C. film board that actually bothered to ban "Exit to Eden" (remember THAT "erotic/comedy" of a movie?) and caused an even larger spectacle for an even more intellectually degrading movie than porn EVER was. - Anyways, that's food for thought for now. If you want to really live the porn-store employee life do whatever you do normally that's quiet and involves mostly sitting in one place. Hand the FAQ to a friend and have them ask you a question on the hour or so to break up the monotony. Also, get other friends to stare at your video collection while you're bored and then glance around the room with constant nervousness. More stories to follow of much-less non-monotony. If y'know, whatever... =:) And until then, remember the file shell is most active of the bivalves. * * * 1- a cardinal sin among vegans 2- only residents of BC Canada will get this reference 3- Sensitive New Age Guy (ask my ex-s, I don't know where they get this idea from) 4- some others came and went but they are separate stories as you may find out later 5- I hope! =:) 6- In a really good and really strange book about the Hollywood film industry I read recently called "Sex, Greed, & Stupidity", the author hinted at an implant-mafia where strippers would get the goods so to speak and be an indentured dancer until they paid them off. This also included a ring of implant exchanges between dancers. 7- Though I know better and it's not polite to lust after the dead, I must admit I wouldn't mind eventually finding an urban legend of a porn film which starred Herve Villachez in all male, all midget cast called "Anal Dwarves". 8- A movie which Roger Ebert described as "stealing two hours of my life" and to which Gene Siskel added "is pretty amazing for an 89 minute film". ------------------------------------------- 4. Whooosh by REVSCRJ "I love deadlines and the whooshing sound they make as they pass." Douglas Adams This Inhuman- REVSCRJ 7/98 Brethren, Ever get a corporate job? The kind where laminates of condridictory or unenforcable, unfollowable policies line the break rooms? Where the benefits are good, but the suck is on your soul? It's a whole other world. It all sanitary spray cans and toner in the air, burnt sugar sweet- solid as a plastic block for a 2 year old and half as respectful. If you are the average kind of person it only takes a few days before the static hum of business-as-usual dulls your eyes and gets you numb. Look at your coworkers- either zombie like, ready-to-fire, zen or this inhuman form... Ever watch the process in the "new guy"? Guy has this spark when he first come in, its called 'freewill', and even behind the fake smile and concilitory behavior you can see its life. He's in training, he still has to use his mind. Sure enough though in a few days he wears the flat perky mask that comes to be the "Team Face"- the badge, the piss-scent to identify the pack. Pray he stays this way. Pray that in a few weeks life doesn't start to reimerge, pray that the facade is a tomb and not a cocoon. [Tangent] The corporation is based on a hierarchal structure that exactly conforms to the form of a hive. [/tangent] There's a new glint in his eye...colder than before... somehow less sentient... appraising, no longer saying 'I wonder how this guy is' but now seem to fire waves of radiating 'what is IT worth to me' in referance to you. Reptillian, insectoid, and this inhuman stare holds eye contact like a threat while speaking the most innocuous of evils. [Tangent] Necsessary to the sucsess of a hive is that each unit within the hive be 100% dedicated to the whole, essential to mammalian survival is selfpreservation over all else [/tangent] Kinkos cares Welcome to the Microsoft Team GMC- your kind of people Whole Foods depends on YOU Safeway, its the right place for you I.T. thanks you I.T. loves you I.T. wants your wants like a parisite. "So new-guy, you want to get lunch?" Head swings slowly to you, as if pivoting on small ball joints, "No...thanks, Im working through lunch." and you see it, the look, this inhuman assessment "This creature before me will never advance my position or power, it is nothing." [Riddle] What do you get when you cross a selfserving mammal with the mindless dedication of a mammal? [/riddle] Controlers, Observers, District Co-Ordinaters, Structural Analysts, Human Resource Heads, Overseers, Dukes and their ilk all have the marks, the pheremonal shroud of expensive colognes and perfumes, the unfeeling bertay-to-you-nothing but evil eyes, the tone so flat, so intentional, so controled that this inhuman feeling crawls over your skin as you listen. In their suit-du-jour they bear teeth to eachother in ways not so much a smile, but in a flash of salute to a supirior- they do not smile to their underlings. [Answer] An abomination in the eyes of God that serves itself alone through the mindless dedication to the hive, not moved by concious, not swayed by guilt, an abomination in the eyes of God [/answer] They have hybridized sucsessfully into a new species. They are of our blood, but not of our souls. Beware these precoursers of that-which-is-to-come, for they are insects in primate flesh- the sucsessful intermixing of two worlds too alien to eachother to contemplate union. They are not human. They are not human. They are not human. It will be these people who will find underground/ indoor shelters, on an irridated Earth, attractive. They will push paper plies until we few neadrathalic remainings are buried in a shallow grave of it. The new hive will not work in any "good" manner- an abomination even to the insects- for there can be no jockeying for power in the hive, there can be no back stabbing, it puts disruptive ripples through the hive and efficency falls. Without maximum efficency, the hive collapses to entropy. This inhuman race will eat itself, long after it has eaten us. Amen. <3 REVSCRJ ------------------------------------------- CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org. fucking windows Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse" In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere Published every second Monday (Windows permitting) Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive Comments, queries and submissions are welcome http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471 A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost electronically. Available on Usenet newsgroups alt.zines and alt.ezines. This mailing is sent exclusively to those poor souls who chose to subscribe to the Capital of Nasty mailing list. Spread the word! If you have friends who would like to receive CoN, ask them to send email to join@capnasty.org. If you'd like to unsubscribe because such email aggravates your tolerance towards your job, simply send an empty message to leave@capnasty.org. Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat) Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D