Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume III, Issue 15, AD MCMXCVIII Monday, August 24th, 1998 ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- I hate em and I want to keep their heads in the toilet and keep flushing until the blue stuff runs out. ------------------------------------------- The Family Circus movie Starring Macauley Culkin as Billy That little shit from Jerry Maquire as Jeffy Pamela Anderson Lee as Dolly Mr. T. as PJ Marilyn Manson as Thel Keane and Jerry Springer as Bil Keane Coming soon to a theatre near you ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial 2. Why guys don't call... 3. Calculated Risks 4. Best Kind of Wonderful 5. The EX 6. The Conspiracy Behind Girlfriends ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle award: This guy wouldn't know Cool if it sexually assaulted him http://www.voicenet.com/~dhagee/new.htm by Jason MacIsaac ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial by Leandro Last month Jason and I went to see Romeo and Juliet being performed in the park. We were already late and the rest of the gang was waiting by the theatre, so to get there faster we cut through the woods, because, you know, we thought we were smart and all. Instead we got lost and finally emerged somewhere else all dirty and sweaty. You are probably wondering, lost in a park? High Park is pretty big, and well, I guess we don't have a good sense of direction. As I arrive to buy tickets, the girl at the stand hands them to me and says, "Are you Leandro?" The fact that she knew me didn't seem to bother me. I was more worried about the way I looked that day. Unshaven, dirty, sweaty, and with an hair-do long gone out of style, so I timidly answered, "y-yes?" "Oh cool! I read CoN!" And I'm thinking "What the fuck? How the hell does she know I have anything to do with CoN?" "I'm IMPROV's girlfriend!" she clarified. Probably the dumb look on my face gave away the fact that I was completely clueless. "Oh, that's great!" and as if that was enough to explain it all, I grabbed the tickets and dashed inside. Halfway through the play, with my ass incredibly sore from sitting on the ground, with a Romeo that showed no signs of puberty in his voice, Betty whispering, "Come 'on, kill yourself so we can get out of here," I realized I had been a bit too harsh and quick. Alas, I'm sure she has IMPROV writing a nasty article about me now... Well, again, another long delay. I have been busy fighting with the offices of the college where I applied, since they seem to be enjoying themselves in making my life harder than it already is. Fortunately after a bit of struggle I managed to get into the course I wanted. To delay things even further, I left for Europe to deal with some family business, and I didn't have the time to finish CoN until I got back. 624 e-mails were (are) waiting for me, so if any of you wrote, eventually within the next 6 months, you'll get a reply. I leave you now with a letter from a reader. The next issue does not have a theme, other than being a recycling bin of all other articles we had that did not fit anywhere. Issue 17, however, will deal with school (colleges, universities, the fucking annoying kid that sits behind you and rocks his head every two seconds and never talks). Please feel free to send your fanatical ranting to con@capnasty.org. We have, at the time of writing, three spots left. From: Arno van Boven To: con@capnasty.org Date sent: Mon, 17 Aug 1998 21:31:01 +0200 Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty III.14 With all due respect, I have to point out something to you about what you said about Steven Spielberg and Schindler's List. It is, by far, the worst movie I ever saw. Well, that is a matter of personal opinion of course, but allow me to explain my reasons in short: I believe that turning a tiny event that has some very smelly aspects to it, into a Hollywood blockbuster about some allegedly epic hero is very, very sick indeed. Schindler didn't 'protect' or 'save' the people on the list for purposes of humanity or resistance to the nazi-regime. It was a way of making sure he could keep his company going. (No wonder Spielberg chose this story; it does seem to be the one thing his US-audience can relate to most (->money), as issues of human rights seem to be not of any concern across the ocean..) There is a little of that in the movie if I remember correctly, but he *certainly*, I repeat, *certainly* wasn't the hero Spielberg tries to make of him. There is a lot of trash coming from Hollywood, but I especially hated this one because it had this 'politically correct' thing about it. C'mon! We are talking Spielberg here, the movie industry! It's a money thing... no matter what they pretend to be... Enough ranting, all I wanted to tell you, really, is that if you are truly interested in getting to know more about WWII and the holocaust, you should really, really, really watch the documentary by Lanzmann, called 'Shoah'. It's sort of long (6 hrs I think, or 9 even maybe), but you'll sit through it breathless, motionless, and you will be suffering from insomnia for the rest of the week, or longer. One of the best documentaries I have ever seen. Cheers, arno (male, caucasian, non-jewish, anti-fascist, anti-racist) ------------------------------------------- 2. Why guys don't call... by Davinder Sangha Why men don't call? This question is asked by thousand of women as they stand patiently by the phone waiting from a call from their respective partners. Well! From my personal perspective I believe it's an issue of commitment. Once they have passed the first stage of being all lovey-dovey with us, they see no more need of picking up the phone and calling us like they used to. Long gone are the days of hours long phone calls through the night! I had this problem with my boyfriend. The asshole never fucken' called me. I was the one that always had to do the calling. Okay, so maybe I called him a little too much in the beginning, but hey! At least I called and showed him he was on my mind. After a year and half ladies, I figured it out. Stop calling them. Suddenly the phone started ringing more often, and guess who was on the other side of the line? You see, men live in a perpetual stage of guilt when they are not around us. They look at other women, they flirt, but back in their mind they think of us. So when the phone stops ringing, they begin to wonder why. At first they will eye the phone suspiciously ("she should've called by now"). Then they start to wonder why she hasn't called for the past few days. They will finally give in all driven by a sense of guilt and suspiciousness that we are not interested in them anymore. Presently I don't call my man everyday, but just once in a blue moon. However he now calls me much more than before. Call it "reverse psychology" if you want, but it's shockingly simple once you have it figured out: pretend your interest in them has decreased by calling them less. Automatically, they will call you more. Although I've heard many different views on the book "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus", I think it shred some light on this problem. Take for example when men ask for more space. A woman will automatically cling on them more thinking that he doesn't love her anymore. At first I didn't understand why my guy needed space. I mean, we love each other right? We should be together all the time! But then it clicked in. It's like calling too much. He has it up to here to hear the phone all the time with me on the other end, and so he avoided me completely. At one time I remember calling my boyfriend at least 4 to 6 times a day (eight actually - Editor). I called because I wanted to wish him a good morning, I called because I wanted to wish him a good night, I called just because I wanted to hear his voice. It might sound corny, but it's a sign of love and a women's thing, eh! As a result he would say nothing on the phone, or answer my questions with "I told you this already in phone calls 1 through 4". He would try to keep the phone calls as short as possible and to me, it seemed that his love for me had died. So keep your men on his toes. Make him desire you and he will be crawling at your feet. Bond with his female friends, and soon enough he will realize he has no choice but to pick up that phone and dial. And with that, save your heartache as well. ------------------------------------------- 3. Calculated Risks By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Ah, falling in love for the first time. How can one forget? You see someone you know nothing about, do your best to find some info on them, and eventually (or not) a beautiful, romantic (and steamy) relationship with this person starts. The first touch of your hands with theirs. The first kiss. And everything, even a rock that the two of you have touched, is the most beautiful thing ever. That is until of course you realize what a real pain in the ass the other person is and you break up as you mutter to yourself "what the fuck was I thinking?" Ah, yes, that's love at first sight. Isn't it wonderful? Of course you have only one person to blame, and that's Cupid. Damn you Cupid, blind archer of my ass. Granted, not everyone experiences it like that. I'm sure some of you are still dating the first love of your life. Some others probably broke up with the first love of your life and maintained a well-established friendship. Well, that's very nice, but fortunately, the majority of us, have experienced (sooner or later) quite a rough ride. So, please, don't send any e-mail in with comments such as "oh, I have been dating the same person for the past 500 years and we are in love as the first time". Great, but that's not the point of my article. After the first love experience, people tend to go for the "relationship". Relationships are the most fucked up thing anyone will experience in life. First of all, chances are you will know very little about this person. Call it a relapse, if you like, of love at first sight. But it's a little different, being a step up then before. You know a bit more, you have an approximate idea of what is good to say, and you follow her body language in order to know what your next move is. Relationships are like playing chess and hockey together. She touches your arm; you touch her hand. She kisses you on the cheek, you kiss her on the lips. You look at her move, you calculate carefully what to do and then you slowly skate in to score. You will have to learn this careful art as soon as you can, since, as my friend Gard explained, women stand side-by-side with oxymoron. They will examine each and every move you do to see what your intentions are. They will discuss what you did with their friends in minuscule and painful detail. They will come to conclusions you could never dream off, just because, when you entered the house for example, you did not take your shoes off. Picture this: it's you and the current girl you just started dating. You are watching a movie you rented in the privacy of your home. Halfway through the movie you decide to touch her hand before she does. She thinks: "oh, he's getting audacious! He probably wants to get laid! The damned pig!" You move your hand away: "Oh, he is not interested in me! I should break up before he decides to break up with me!" You don't touch her at all to avoid: a) any of the above b) you are just shy, c) since you tried the first two, you decided to avoid it all and save yourself the hassle of screwing up. Alas: "He isn't touching me. WHY isn't he touching me? He must be insecure. I don't want an insecure man!" Note, all of the above have been proven by CoN scientists. Naturally, there is a chance (a large one) that the girl is not interested in a relationship. She just wants to be "friends". This is called Platonic friendship. Platonic friendship suck, and unless you want to be "her best friend" for a long while, until she gets married, you are better off punching yourself in the nads. It's less painful and it will give you something more important to think about. An article about Platonic Friendships appeared in Volume I, Issue 22 (http://www.capnasty.org/issues/1996-01/cn961118.html#4). Of course relationships come and go. And they are all different. At one time she's blonde, the next time she's a brunette, or even blue skin and little antennae (if there are any Trekkies out there, can you tell me in what episode did Kirk date her? Thanks). However you will get to a point where you'll look for a woman which is something more than a pretty mannequin to carry around with you. This will evolve into a calculated risk. Now, what exactly is a calculated risk? You see, after your first true love, where you fell head over heals for some girl, you begin to realize what exactly you want in a woman. So while technically you fall in love, at the same time you find yourself checking her out to be sure that you are looking farther than skin deep. It's still a risk getting involved with the woman, but alas, it's more calculated then before. You are not just going for it blind just because you like her breast size. Usually you go for things like "is she patient? Can she put up with me? Is she intelligent so that I can have a serious conversation with her?" The last one of course becomes a curse, and you find yourself wishing for a woman that was easier to control and manipulate and will not call you a male pig if you ask her to wash your 3-weeks old socks, all bundled up with some boring lecture about feminism. Many things will change. You will be able to go for a week without her being at your house everyday, or being in the same house, doing different things, in different rooms. You will be able to go out with your friends without having to take her along every time. You will be allowed to talk to other women or even (gasp!) have female friends without causing nervous breakdowns over some hidden jealousy. Slowly but steadily the changes will occur, where the two partners will have personal lives, without leaning too much on the other. Sex will also change. It will no longer be called sex, but it will mutate into "love making", which means that instead of getting up and leaving, once you're done, you stay in bed, making comments on how wonderful it is to be with the other person. Love making is very important in these types of relationships as they allow you to become a better lover as you understand the person more by the signals they send you: "MORE! MORE!" -- What do you mean, more? I'm giving you all I've got! One size fits all. It could be as long as the leaning tower of Pisa, and she would still scream for more. Shortly after the call for "more" usually she will start screaming for you to be "FASTER! FASTER!" God-damn-it. I'm going so fast, you can't tell if my legs are up or down. And I definitely think that if I go any faster my heart is going to explode. Eventually you find yourself running out of stamina. It's been half an hour and she is still screaming for more at Mach-1 like speeds. And you are thinking, "how long more before you decide to come? Please come. Come on, come so I can stop". But no, for the past 30 minutes it sounded like they are about to reach what could possible be the most amazing orgasm they will ever have, but never really get there. Just about now a cramp started in your left leg. You get to the point where you don't even care about your orgasm anymore (not that it matters at this point, you can hardly feel your penis anyway) but you don't want to stop. If you stop, she's going to bicker at you with the "I was so close!" (Apparently women are always 'close' but never close enough). It's also a thing with guys, you know, they gotta be man, can't stop till the job is done, till the lady is satisfied. Finally when they reach their orgasm, and you collapse in a pile of sweat, unable to move, your leg cramping happily away, your heart sounding like the drums of a marching army, they have the courtesy of pointing out that you are all sweaty. I am? Well bugger me. If you find yourself involved with a woman who can put up with all your little dark sides, including smelly socks and awful breath in the morning, don't let them slip away. You might just have found your calculated risk. ------------------------------------------- 4. Best Kind of Wonderful by Lilith DemHareIs The Best Kind of Relationships, I believe, are the monogamous marriages. You know the kind, the ones that last forever, and you see a little old man kiss a little old lady every time he leaves the house, even if the reason behind leaving the house is to go pick her a flower from the garden. They exist, I've seen 'em, and I'm going to have one myself. I am determined. We've all had relationships go bad. Goodness, I've had five of them go bad on me before I found my husband. (Four of the guys left me for another woman; one left me for another man.) But the hindsight lesson which I learned from all of them was that ya can't expect anything better than what you're willing to give. As time progressed, I found myself looking for relationships more with my common sense, instead of just with my heart. And, as time progressed, the relationships were deeper, and lasted longer. Love makes the world go round, but it's physics that keep it all together and functioning. Just because you fall in love with someone doesn't mean the relationship would work. Certainly love makes a relationship easier to manage, but it should, by no means, be the only glue which holds it together. An enduring relationship is one that doesn't hold together love, but holds together LIVES. I'm sure everyone know some couple that has broken up because their lives don't fit together. Sure, they loved each other, but "it just wouldn't have worked out." So you want an enduring relationship. If so, you must start with yourself. Are you the sort of person with whom someone will want to spend the rest of their life (and beyond) with? If not, what would you change? (And don't just acknowledge it; change it.) You can only ask of someone that which you yourself are willing to give. No more. And no less. If you are unwilling to make a few lifestyle changes, make a few sacrifices and compromises, you can't expect someone else to, yet still be truly happy in a relationship. We all have had some experience in the past with someone who was a little bit more selfish, a little less strong, a little less committed. If you are unwilling to stand up for what's *really* important in your life (and I don't just mean your cat), they you're going to either end up with someone who'll walk all over you, or who'll be so weak that the relationship won't go anywhere. How many of us have been in a relationship that "fizzled out"? How many of us have been in an abusive relationship, and tried to get out? The lasting relationships, the ones that work, the ones that make you both happy are relationships of balance. You can only ask for what you are willing to give. Now, don't complain that all you can ever find are losers. Either something is wrong with you, or something is wrong with where you are. Something wrong with you: there are losers in the world, guaranteed. But they are getting attracted to you (or vice versa) for some reason. Change that thing that attracts them. Better yet, foster qualities in yourself that are attractive and good. Then, instead of losing losers, you'll be attracting the winners. (And as we all know, the winners are the ones who get snatched up into good relationships.) Something wrong with where you are: If you can't find what you are looking for where you are, expand your search. If your main hunting ground is the singles' bar scene, then your chances of finding someone exciting (who doesn't drink) are very low. Get out into the world. Go someplace other than your usual hunting ground. Leave the Singles' Ward, and join a club somewhere. Expand out. For all you know, the person with whom you could hit it off perfectly could indeed be doing all the things you do, and going to all the places you go, but in a different city. I ended up looking on the literal other side of the planet. But I did find him. We've just celebrated another anniversary. We're planning on buying a house this year, and having babies. And he loves to read my novels. In about fifty or sixty years time, I expect his eyes will be too weak to read, and his fingers too deft to handle garden shears, so I'll have to trim the dirt and roots off of the flower he pulled up for me out of the garden and put it in a vase. I still have the rose he first gave me. ------------------------------------------- 5. The "EX" by Teresa "Tessen X" Toth I ran into my ex-boyfriend the other day while waiting for the present love of my life. It's been over a year and a half and he still doesn't have the balls to approach me. Hey, we're better off apart then we ever were together. I'm sure everyone has heard the ol' spiel "Let's be friends". Well let me tell you my little friend, that's bullshit, plain and simple. It's just a way to dump a person without feeling guilty for being a prick. Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before; SURE you were sincere when you said it. But things "Just didn't work out". What a pity, what a shame... that's life. I'm sure we all think that when we go out with someone, it will last, that love will surround you and you'll never have to be alone again. Well think again. I mean hey, I now have someone who is indeed the most wonderful person, but it took a lot of assholes to finally get to a nice fella. But the one ex that tops them all was a guy named *DJ who was by far the biggest jerk I ever had the misfortune to date. Now, *DJ and I were friends before we ever dated. He was known as the crazy one in our group of friends, always laughing it up with his crude sense of humour. And for some bizarre reason, I was attracted to him. Well, to make a long sob story short, I had a crush on him for about 2 years before he realized I was alive and asked me out. At the time, I thought that he was the one for me, the one and only and how fortunate I was to finally have him after all these years. What a pathetic retch I was...little did I know that I would start dreading his nasty sense of humour, the way he would tell me he had a "stiffie" when ever we talked on the phone, or how he would constantly play the air drums while listening to Death Metal... ugh... what a refined piece of work, wouldn't you say so? Since I was "head over heels" for him, I would just remind myself that I waited 2 years for him and now that I had him, I wasn't about to mess it up. I accepted his criticism about my opinions, or how he would wrestle me down like a piece of meat and crack my jaw out of place 2 times. Or how he would ignore me when he didn't want me around. That still meant he loved me right? That was his way of showing his affection, wasn't it?? I just couldn't bear the thought that he acted this way to make me upset... he wouldn't do that, because he loved me (I was his first girlfriend after all)...I'll admit, the first few months were cool, we shared a few laughs, but after it reached 6 months, things just went downhill and his behaviour towards me started to change. He didn't want to just cuddle anymore, he just wanted to screw me like I was his personal blow-up doll. He started getting "too friendly" with the other girls (even one of my close friends!) and him and one of his other friends started to hang out more (this friend also had a crush on me, and I found out that he was trying to break me and *DJ up). He ignored me for 2 weeks because of an argument we had, then he invited me to go with him the movies with a couple of friends of ours. He ignored me and told me he hated me, but when some drunk bastard beside me had tried to hit on me, he suddenly started protecting me. Oh what a hero, it took some drunkard to make him pay attention to me. After the movie, he apologized for being an asshole and asked for my forgiveness, just for him to continue to ignore me for the following week and dump me on Valentines day. I remember all the notes he wrote to me, how he professed his love for me and told me "I hope that you'll find someone who'll love you for who you are, I hope that it's me." I confronted him about what he wrote and he said, "That's what a boyfriend is supposed to write, I didn't mean any of it". Isn't that sweet? After we unofficially broke up, most of my friends felt sorry for him (he had a sad puppy dog face at school 24/7) and they ignored me. No one wanted to mention my name to him, because "he couldn't handle it", but he was always the topic of conversation whenever they talked to me. To this day, most of them still protect him from the topic of his "ex girlfriend". It's been almost 2 years for the luv of gawd... When the whole gang met for New Years last year, he would just glance over in my direction then turn away. Or he would start some chit chat with a few nasty remarks, where I would reply, "Why in hell are you talking to me for?" To this day, we still don't talk, and I've heard from my friends how "sorry" he was or "what a jerk" he was. Like I care. If he really wanted to be friends after we broke up, he would have tried to confront me by now and talk about it. But we both have someone else, and it took a horrible relationship to make us realize that we were DEFINATELY not made for each other. Sure, I've had other ex's, some worse than *DJ, others less. But because of him, I went through hell: one night stands, not thinking I was good enough for anyone, and that I should keep my mouth shut because no one cares what I think, But that's all in the past, and though I hated him for a very long time, I don't have a vendetta against him anymore. There's a BBQ coming up, where I will see his new girlfriend and he will see my fianc‚. Hopefully we can both be civil towards each other and maybe in a few years, we'll finally be able to say "hello" to each other without grinding our teeth. ------------------------------------------- 6. The Conspiracy Behind Girlfriends by IMPROV I am now convinced of the extra sensory perception of women... Now I'm not just talking a mothers intuition, but I'm talking ALL women... well at least my girlfriend... She knows nothing of the following incident... This example of women's sixth sense takes place, for me, at work... Any of my regular readers (if there are any) will recall I work at a bingo hall... oops, sorry that is a Bingo Parlour... an acquaintance of mine, who happens to be an attractive girl, walks in... Normally an attractive girl would not be a big deal... BUT in a bingo hall this is rare occurrence... In a place where your main clientele is over-weight-over-aged-welfare-receiving-white-trash-stianed- shirt-wearing-smelly-sometimes-mistaken-for-crack-whore-unemployment-poster- girl-disgusting-wastes-of-flesh an attractive girl is a pleasant and welcomed change. Some might say that every now and then, I a can be friendly guy... Some might even say that a really friendly guy... Some might even sat that a dabble in a little bit of flirting... Some just might say that a AM a flirt... And well... some might just say I'm a womaniser... So... you do the math... Me... Attractive girl... Hmmm... Now I'm not saying I have any intentions of taking this acquaintance back to my apartment or anything... in fact, I have no interest in her in any other capacity than a friend... but taking all of what others just might say about me... one could draw the conclusion that I was flirting with her... (just a little side note... she was playing with my hair...you know putting it into little Pebbles Flintstone type pig tails... Is that flirting?) So here I am engaging in a friendly conversation with this acquaintance of mine (who just happens to be attractive and a bit of a flirt herself) when the phone rings... GUESS WHO!!?? My girlfriend... now I have no problem with my girlfriend calling me at work... in fact she does it all the time...But not at the beginning of the night... Actually, she usually waits until the end of the night... Nothing strange, right? Well perhaps if she had had a reason to call... but when I asked her... she "just felt like it"... Again, I have no problem with this... And I'm not saying, "How dare she interrupt my flirting time!!??" ... What I am simply pointing out is that she had never called at that time for no reason before... What does that mean?... I'll tell ya what that means: It mean that mean everywhere should realise that no matter where they are or what they're doing, a woman knows it all!! They ate omnipotent!! On a conscience level, my girlfriend had no clue why she felt like calling... she just did... One theory I have is that this girl I was flirting with knows I have a girlfriend and was setting me up... She telepathically told my girlfriend that something was askew... It's a conspiracy I tell you... Nothing short of a conspiracy. ------------------------------------------- CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org. And now, the gratuitous torture of the kid from Jerry Magire. shrik, shrik, shrriiVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRheehheehhckkaak AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse" In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere Published every second Monday (or when we get around it) Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive Comments, queries and submissions are welcome http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471 A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost electronically. Available on Usenet newsgroups alt.zines and alt.ezines. This mailing is sent exclusively to those poor souls who chose to subscribe to the Capital of Nasty mailing list. Spread the word! If you have friends who would like to receive CoN, ask them to send email to join@capnasty.org. If you'd like to unsubscribe because such email aggravates your tolerance for Jerry McGuire, simply send an empty message to leave@capnasty.org. In fact, I think Jerry McGuire sucks. It sucked big time. And the worse part was when everyone looked at that little shit (the little kid with the glasses) and said "awww, so cute". I wanted to get up, pull out my automatics and start blasting some holes in the audience's empty heads. I wonder if that little fuck is the same one that is in that commercial where he eats the McCain fries. I know where I'd like to shove those fries... Bitter? Who? Me? Naaah. Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat) Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D