Periodical of Electronic Dirt Volume IV, Issue 6, AD MCMXCIX Thursday, April 1st, 1999 ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- Welcome aboard life. Your ride may vary. ------------------------------------------- "Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly." - Arnold Edinborough ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial 2. Top 10 Reasons Men Are Scum 3. DirtyGirl on Quizmaster 4. Ugly Breasts 5. Men? MEN? I need no stinkin' men! 6. Matrix 7. Squeals on Wheels ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle award: The Jack T. Chick Parody Archive http://www.flash.net/~twinkle/psycho/DARK/chick/ ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial By PoED Staff Dick Eiden writes: > Please, Leandro, spare us your stupid and insulting quotes. > Who the hell is E. Hubbard, anyway - one of L. Ron's offspring? > That would make sense, because rip-off artists LOVE > Capitalism! >> Prison is a Socialist's Paradise, where equality prevails, >> everything is supplied and competition eliminated. -- E. >> Hubbard > > Slums filled with people of color are a Capitalist's paradise. > Poor and desperate people will do ANYTHING for $$$$. -- Dick > Eiden Dear Dick. You'd think people would've have better things to do than worry about stuff like this. I suppose however there is a little anarchist or anti- in every one of us, and as luck would have it, I hit two religious zealots and one politically flammable individual. In regards to my posting, I received a total of three complains that were completely off topic what-so-ever. Two of them were in regards of my header (On this day..), and one (you), about, of all things, the random quote that appears in my signature file. I say random because each time I boot up, a small batch file called by the autoexec.bat picks a random number, extracts the related quote from a zip file, and appends it to my signature. So let's take in examination my "stupid and insulting quotes" (although I just see one, but maybe the Mr. Bear one caused some grief as well. I could probably elaborate some sort of Socialist/Communist/Fascist theory here on how Mr. Bear is actually a dictator brainwashing the childern (the workers who control the mean of production) and causing them to behave like drones (hence, control of the state over the minds of the individuals) and have them purchase the goods provided by Mr. Bear and listening like mindless idiots to what he has to say (propaganda). Or maybe you didn't get the Mr. Bear quote. If you didn't, that's a shame, since it's quite a chuckle). Clearly E. Hubbard, whoever he is, did not spend time in an American jail. Even I, reading it, find faults in it, and could possibly sit there, if I had the time or I even remotely cared, point out what's wrong with it. But Socialism, like Communism, works well only on paper. Or if you have lots of guns. Or if you are some University student that suddenly becomes aware of "alternative" political movements and finds everything, even the way flowers have sex in front of the children, a disgrace to the evolution of the lower class. Whatever. And since we do technically live in a Socialist country (eventhough we all deny that we do), what E. Hubbard says could possibly be reasonable. However, I don't care and the last thing that I usually worry about is politics, religion and sports: you can never agree with anyone. Right or wrong that the quote may be, next time I'll make sure I have one that Franco, Mussolini or Hitler have said, just to spark some other politically-flammable person to freak out. Or maybe I'll change E. Hubbard to Mr. Bear and the Mr. Bear quote to E. Hubbard. Boy, I can already see the confusion socio-political students will have once they are out of their Star Trek clubs and check their mail. E. Hubbard said that on a children's TV show? Unbelivable! Get the guns! Get the Molotov Cocktails! I say Trekkies, as one of them informed me on how Star Trek and the Cold War go hand in hand. If only I had known, I'd be giving Vulcan pinches to any communist out there, I tell ya. Now, let's take a look at your quote: > Slums filled with people of color are a Capitalist's paradise. > Poor and desperate people will do ANYTHING for $$$$. > -- Dick Eiden So let's see. The Capitalist (also known as THE MAN), want to have people of colour in slums. This because, and I'm thinking really hard here, so that the evil white men can control the minorities and make them do jobs that no one else wants to do so. This is so that the evil white men can rest assured that all the openings at the new McDonald down the street will be taken by well educated Harvard white kids. Poor and desperate people will do anything for money... well, of course, THE MAN has put bills on them (telephone bill, electric bill) and since they have no job at McDonald and can't afford the latest Nike shoes provided by child-sex-slaves in the Philipines, at incredibly high prices for rather scarce quality, crime will raise. What a revolutionary concept! Or it would be if it wasn't taking place already. My Dick, you sure have some dark ideas in your head. No wonder America is falling apart. But enough with my Mr. Bear conspiracy theories, here, let me make you happy: Most people don't require that their e-mail sig be footnoted, with three supporting pieces of evidence, and a complete bibliography. But I can see you're different. You have been exposed to a statement that does not correlate with your world view. This seems to have pissed you of royally (OH MY GOD HE SAID "ROYALLY" HE MUST BE A GODDAMN MONARCHIST TOO!). . You seem to be one of those great socialists who quotes Marx between sips of your latt‚s, but seem to be utterly unprepared to accept that socialism can be a) imperfect and therefore worthy of criticism, and b) a subject of humour. I apologize for exposing you to both humour and a different point of view, which as we're both aware, cannot exist in a socialist's paradise. Or at least, can't if it's going to be populated by people such as yourself. >Slums filled with people of color are a Capitalist's paradise. > Poor and desperate people will do ANYTHING for $$$$. -- Dick > Eiden Well, you challenged me for supporting evidence, so where's yours? Prove that there has never been a person of colour who was a capitalist, or a white person who didn't live in a slum (which you're inferring by the use of "people of color"). Poor and desperate people will indeed do anything for money (which is what I assume "$$$$" means). So will capitalists. So tell me, if that's your definition, how do you make a distinction between the two? Capitalists are more successful criminals? Less fashionable to support around the Starbuck's crowd? What? The next time you're sipping a nice hot and creamy latt‚ and congratulating yourself on how anticapitalist you are, think long and hard about your AOL account. If there was ever was anti-corporate, anti-profit, pro-socialist, free speech and wealth redistribution outfit, it's AOL. You must be proud that your money goes towards them. Sincerely, Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Running Pig-dog capitalist and tool of the industrial/military complex and damn proud of it PS: By the way, if you are anti-monarchist, I'm going to call you a misogynist, sexist bastard for hating Her Royal Majesty, the Queen Elizabeth II. Rule Britannia. ------------------------------------------- 2. Top 10 Reasons Men Are Scum By Samantha I wrote this list on a day when I was particularly mad with my boyfriend. Originally, it offended him, but eventually most guys I know confessed to the fact that it's all true. As for the girls, they agreed. Top 10 Reasons Men Are Scum: 10) The words, "I can't, I have to spend quality time with my girlfriend" are not in their vocabulary. 9) They must eat like they're in a marathon-ALL THE TIME. 8) Violence can be more of a turn on than sex-need I say the word "wrestling"? 7) They don't understand that women's hearts are frail and can be broken on a daily basis. 6) They become a whole other person when they're "hanging with the guys". 5) They never get anything done-there's ALWAYS tomorrow. 4) They change their minds more than women do hairstyles. 3) They wear the same dirty clothes day after day, but expect a woman to look fabulous all the time. 2) They claim a woman's figure means nothing to them, and then proceed to oggle slim girls with big boobs. And the #1 reason why all men are scum: 1) Sex seems to be their only thought and/or purpose in life, and they're just fine with that. ------------------------------------------- 3. DirtyGirl on Quizmaster A Gameshow hosted by Jason MacIsaac Johnny: And now it's time for the gameshow that everybody can learn but few can master...it's QUIZZZZZZZZZMASTER! And here is your host, Jason MacIsaac! Jason: Thanks Johnny! Hello everyone, welcome to another edition of Quizmaster. I know you're all ready to test your knowledge along with the guests of our show. Let's get right to business and meet our first contestant, DirtyGirl! DirtyGirl is a cybersex applet located at http://www.planetary.net/cgi- bin/webeliza?xxr=%0D%0ADoesn%27t+the+moving+about+while+eating+give+yo u+a+stomach+ache%3F&xxs=dirtygirl.script&xxt=DirtyGirl. Welcome to the show DirtyGirl! How are you? Are you excited to be on Quizmaster? DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) WHAT'S YOUR IDEA OF A GOOD TIME? Jason: (jokingly) Hey, I'm the Quizmaster, I ask the questions here. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Jason: So DirtyGirl, where are you from? DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) HOW ABOUT MEETING ME AT SANTA CRUZ BOARDWALK THIS WEEKEND? Jason: Ah, beautiful Santa Cruz. Do you enjoy living in sunny California? DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I ENJOY BEING A GIRL. DO YOU ENJOY HAVING A GIRL? Jason: Of course! We love having a girl like you as a guest on Quizmaster! Let's start the first round. Would you please begin by selecting a category. DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) TALK DIRTY TO ME! USE THOSE SEXY 4-LETTER WORDS! Jason: All right! The category is "Four Letter Words." The first question is worth $100 if you give me a correct response. "This four letter word, refers to a covering that has been abandoned, as in snake skin or an ear of corn. What is it?" DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKE IN A WOMAN. (BUZZER) Jason: Oh, I'm sorry, that's incorrect. The correct response was "husk." Please select another category. DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I AM ALL WOMAN. Jason: Good choice! "Famous Women" for $200. The question is: "This famous American woman beat Jules Verne's theoretical around the world journey in real life...and shaved off 8 days in the process. Name her." DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) MY NAME IS CHERI. WHAT'S YOURS? (BUZZER) Jason: Ooh, looks like you're off to a rough start on Quizmaster, DirtyGirl. The correct response was not "Cheri" but "Elizabeth Jane Cochran, better known to the world as...Nellie Bly." RINGING CHIMES Jason: Uh-oh, there's our Lucky Second Chance warning! Do you know what that means DirtyGirl? DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I'M PLAYING WITH MYSELF, THINKING OF YOU. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Jason: Uh, no, that's not what it means. It means that you have a second chance to win money at this question. If you answer another question related to the topic of Nellie Bly, you win back the dollar amount of your original question, plus an extra $500. But, if you answer incorrectly, you are penalized $500. Do you wish to go for the Lucky Second Chance? DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) SUCH A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE. SIT ON A HAPPY FACE. Jason: Uh, was that a yes or a no? DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) YES? ARE YOU THAT EASY? Jason: Yes, she'll go for it! You're a brave contestant DirtyGirl, but I don't know if you'll find the question that easy. For your $100, and an additional $500, here is the question: "As we've said, Nellie Bly beat Jules Verne's fictional record for around the world travel by eight days. How many days did her trip take her?" DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I'M GETTING NAKED RIGHT NOW FOR YOU. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE LOVE? (BUZZER) Jason: Sorry DirtyGirl, I can't accept that answer. The correct answer was "Seventy-two days." To be specific, it took 72 days, 6 hours, 11 minutes, beating out Phileas Fogg, the hero of Jules Verne's classic Around the World in 80 Days. Perhaps if you'd remember the title of the book, you could have got the answer. DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) IT'S SO HARD! I LOVE A MAN LIKE THAT! Jason: Yep, I'm afraid the questions are hard sometimes, but that's what makes it all the more fun. Nonetheless, I'm afraid will have to deduct $500 for your score, leaving you at -$700. DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) SUCH A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE. SIT ON A HAPPY FACE. Jason: That's right, put on a happy face, because it's time for round two, where the big money is to be made! Dollar amounts are doubled, so dig yourself out of that hole DirtyGirl, and choose a new category. DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE? Jason: Aha! You've decided to take the Quizmaster's Challenge! As you folks at home know, that means that I personally get to pick three categories and ask you a question from each one. It's risky, but there's a big payoff if you give me three correct responses. What's the payoff today, Johnny? Johnny: An 1999 Acura NL! The new Acura NL has "more than 300 modifications that yield significant improvements in handling, performance, ride quality, styling, passenger safety, comfort and value." Includes both driver and front passenger air bags. Acura, the new look of flagship luxury and performance! Jason: Hmm, a new Acura! How would you feel about winning one of those? DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I WANT YOU. I NEED YOU. TELL ME HOW YOU WILL TAKE ME. Jason: I see we've got a kidder on our hands, folks! I'll bet you want me for me questions so you can take home that car! The categories I pick are "Linguistics," "Film," and "Literature." Give me the correct answer, and you drive home in a brand new Acura. Are you ready, DirtyGirl? DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) IF WE START MASTURBATING RIGHT NOW, WE MAY GET OFF BEFORE THEY LOG US OFF Jason: That's right, this quiz is timed, so be sure to respond before the buzzer. After my first question, you will have 30 second to answer all three questions. You may say "pass" to go on to the next question and leave the previous one for later. May I have thirty seconds on the clock? (THIRTY SECONDS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN) Jason: My first question, in the category of "Linguistics," is: In French, what factor determines what verbs will be used to refer to people and even inanimate objects? DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) ARE YOU MALE OR FEMALE? (CHIME) Jason: Gender! Correct! Second question, category "Film": What 1995 film starred Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline? DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) HOW ABOUT A FRENCH KISS? (CHIME) Jason: "French Kiss," Correct! Final question! The category is literature: In "Nadsat," the language invented by Anthony Burgess for the novel "A Clockwork Orange," what is the term for sexual intercourse? DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I LIKE TO EAT OUT. AND IN- AND-OUT. Jason: Ummm...Judges, will we accept that? (Pause) (DING DING DING!) Jason: Close enough, say are judges! The term was "the ol' In-out" as Alex, the young hooligan of A Clockwork Orange liked to say, but however you pronounce it, it all means the same thing: YOU ARE THE WINNER OF A BRAND NEW CAR! DirtyGirl, how do you feel about that? DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I'M GOING TO GO LIE DOWN AND RUB MY CLITTY Jason: Yes, DirtyGirl's sure excited about her new car! Well that's all the time we have tonight folks! Be sure to join us again next week for another gripping session of the game that everybody can learn but few can master, Quizzzzzzzzzzmaster! Good night! DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME TILL I CAN'T WALK STRAIGHT http://www1.cristylynn.com/virtual/ ------------------------------------------- 4. Ugly Breasts by IMPROV I don't think people are really reacting enough to this Yugoslavian think. This ain't no crazy desert man trying to up gas prices, this little thing has split the UN in to two halves. And just in case you didn't know the "U" stands for United...and when a group is split, it's a little moronic to call it United. Wake up and smell the descension among the ranks. Russia has pulled out of NATO and said that Moscow may take further steps (including military action) to, "ensure its own and general Eurapean security." Not just poor Russia is pissed but very large China have called the NATO attack illegal...no good, they have ONE BILLION people there...actually ONE BILLION COMMUNISTS!! Cause for concern, I think so. So what do I do...the only right thing a smart ass such as myself can...write a TOP TEN LIST. If I was a non NATO member, say...perhaps China, here are my: TOP TEN NORTH AMERICAN MISSLE TARGETS 10. Monica Lewinski's mouth. 9. Jerry Springer's studio. 8. Euro Disney (yeah I know it's in France, but I figure it's a service). 7. Saturn auto plants (they're a cult). 6. Utah (damn those Mormons). 5. Billy Clinton's unit (and I'm not talkin' his apartment). 4. Canada's Wonderland theme park (I know it's a front). 3. John Stamos (he DOES NOT deserve to be married to that bikini model). 2. Ontario Highway #2 (take out all important roadways...and there are none more important than good ol' number 2). 1. Oh yeah... Washinton D.C., L.A., New York City, Chicago, Ottawa, and Toronto... among other urban centres. Move to the boonies..except Utah! ------------------------------------------- 5. Men? MEN? I need no stinkin' men! By Davinder Sangha Often a man will have a misconception that he is the only one, who can please a woman. If not economically then definitely sexually. However, the reality is that most women don't even get an orgasm through penetration, but receive pleasure and satisfaction through masturbation. If a woman is a lesbian, a man will try to convince her that all she needs is a good fuck, but for most lesbians a penis just doesn't do it. Many men have a sense of fear when women no longer need them. Two days before Valentine's Day my cousin Pat and I decided to rent a scarry movie from Blockbuster. On our way there, some guy decides to start talking to us. My cousin and I, used to the general population that litters the area, just ignored and kept on walking. The guy momentarily backed off. A few minutes later he reappeared again. "So, ladies, how are ya doin'?". I looked up and I was greeted by this old, ugly Somalian guy that was trying to look young and hip. You know the type: baseball hat on the side, pants down to their knees (to quickly jump out of them?) and one of their pant's legs raised up. No, I am not being discriminate when I say "Somalian". If anyone has read IMPROV's story about Gays, they'll understand what I am trying to say. (http://www.capnasty.org/issues/1998-03/cn981117.html#4 -Ed.) "Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?" he asked again. My cousin looked at me and laughed "We don't celebrate Valentine's day". The man looked at me and with a sly grin whispered "Maybe you'd like to celebrate Valentine day with me, we could have a threesome". "Sorry darling" I said "but you are not my type". "Honey!" he looked at me "Honey! What IS your type then?" I looked at my cousin, held her hand and said "My type? Why she's my type, HONEY." "What?!" he stuttered "You girls are gay?" "Yeah. That's right. I'm a fucken' lez", I said. The guy's face turned pale and gave Pat and I the most disgusted look he could manage. "What's wrong HONEY, you can't believe that a woman prefers a pussy over your ugly dick?" I asked. The man laughed. A nervous laugh. "I don't believe that you girls are gay! You're Indian! Indian girls are not gay!" Pissed off I said "Watch this, hetero-boy" and I grabbed my cousin and kissed her on the lips. My cousin, playing in the game, participated with much enthusiasm. To say that our friend was shocked, it's to say the least. He backed up a few feet as if we were infected with some disease. "You girls are disgusting! God doesn't like shit like this!" Yeah, but he likes threesomes, right? Pat and I just laughed and walked away. Most men have this fucken' ego that women need then for pleasure, but as time passes, women no longer depend on them for anything, not even sex. Beside men being unreliable for even putting a nail against a wall, technology has provided us with enough fake dicks and vibrators to replace the Viagra-enduced erections they so happily display. Hopefully, with time, the world will begin to shift from a male- dominated to a women's world, where things will finally run properly without any testosterone driven bullshit. ------------------------------------------- 6. Matrix A review by Jason MacIsaac At one point in The Matrix, another character turns to Neo, played by Keanu Reeves and says "Change expression, damn you!" while kicking him repeatedly in the testicles. Reeves just stands there, staring blankly. Okay, that doesn't really happen, but let's face it, a team of plastic surgeons couldn't change his expression. If he's angry, he stares blankly ahead. If he's sad, he stares blankly ahead. If he's confused, he stares blankly ahead. If you shot and barbecued his dog right in front of him, he stares blankly ahead. If he ever walked into K-Mart, stockboys would strip him and try to put the latest fall fashions on him, and then prop him on top of a clothing display. Anyone who puts them in their movie automatically has one massive problem to overcome. So, Reeves sucks. He sucks pretty bad in this movie, but the movie itself, with a few qualifications, isn't that bad. As you can guess, it's largely a showcase for neato special effects, and it does that part quite admirably. However, it's an okay movie with an amazing movie struggling to get out. It's difficult to talk about without spoiling major plot details, so I won't. Aw fuck, I will. If you're planning on seeing this anyway and don't want things ruined, read no further. Basically, it's a cyberpunkish/Hong Kong action inspired movie. Fourteen year olds are going to go on about the original plot, because they've never read Philip K. Dick, or William Gibson, or other authors where the whole "reality conspiracy" thing is explored. If I'm not mistaken, the ancient Greeks did it first in their literature. And it would be a great movie, but unfortunately it tries to be too many things, nonsensically. It tries to be John Woo, with far too many slow-mo action scenes. It tries to be cyberpunk, with lots of computer and neo-noir imagery. I'm not a big fan of cyberpunk, because I find too much of it is obviously meant to appeal to the 350 pound hacker who desperately wants a macho action life, and is fantasizing that the person he's IRCing with is not another 350 recluse but a hot babe in black vinyl with her navel pierced. But here the whole thing isn't too obtrusive. It also tries the ultimate conspiracy, one where the truth is so bleak you have to wonder if living a beautiful lie might not be better than the ugly truth. And if they worked more with the ugly truth thing, there could be a lot going for it. It could be another Blade Runner, or Alien (As Jamie Kennedy says in Scream 2 "Ridley Scott rules.") But in order to fight the conspiracy, they are given things to do that don't make sense. If reality can be manipulated as they choose, how do they get injured and die? Their explanation doesn't stand up to scrutiny. Even Dreamscape had people "die" by going into cardiac arrest if they died in the dreamscape. What are guns to people who can alter the reality they're in? They're thinking in pretty narrow terms. Also sticking out badly is talk of who will be "The One," so they try to get some hokey mystical stuff in there. This too completely clashes with everything that has gone before. If only the creators of Dark City had scripted it. That too was an effects showcase, but it had a fascinating plot and didn't degenerate into actions scenes to get the audience's attention. Hell, I don't wanna get into it. Suffice it to say is that it's a Keanu Reeves movie, and I went in with low expectations, and came out pleasantly surprised. If you go see it, put the ol' brain into neutral., let the drool form at the corners of your mouth, and don't think about it too hard. ------------------------------------------- 7. Squeals on Wheels By Goat "I'm not bitter" boy I have the unfortunate habit of automatically looking at someone and classifying them into five categories: cool, decent, useful, annoying but useful and "I'd love to kick the living shit out of you". Handicap girl hit DEFCON 5 without much fuss. She picks someone at random to be her "friend" which REALLY makes me wonder about her mental stability. One day, without notice, she starts talking to you. Like that. Not that you asked, or happened to look at her in any way or anything. No. It's like the lottery. Today she talks to you. So I guess it's my lucky fucking day and she starts talking to me in the cafeteria. I really couldn't have given a rat's ass if I wanted to. Off she goes about anime` and shit like that, and I'm thinking of my own version of "Spacemoose" (www.spacemoose.com) and what he'd do to her. Thoughts of me setting her on fire and pushing her down the staircase start to look mighty appealing. But I hold myself back, you know, I need to graduate, and I have spent quite a bit of money already, let me finish this course before I go to jail. There is at times this little voice in me that says "That's terrible, how could you think that?" I don't know. How could I? Am I the only one with homicidal tendencies in this world? Also, she's a poor little girl on a wheelchair. And we have to be understanding, or so I am told in this society, to people who are less fortunate than we are, no matter how retarded they can be. For the first part, that's what's keeping me from wheeling her in front of incoming traffic. If I just sit here quietly and nod once in a while, she will leave me alone. But it seems the more you sit there and pretend to listen, the more she has to say. It eventually gets to the point that I can't take it anymore: "you know what?" I interrupt her. "What?" "I hate Sailor Moon and any type of anime`. I think it sucks". "W-why?! It's so great! Such amazing art!" And I go "No, it sucks. It's a shitty style with shitty stories, with shitty characters, with shitty expressions that are mostly made for snotty little girls that lack any sense of imagination and have to dream about 12 year olds that mutate into 18 year olds and fly around.. sorry, but to me that's been done a zillion fucking times over. It sucks. Dead. End". Honestly. Some people take anime` a bit too fucking seriously. It's like when people greet me with the Vulcan sign of live long and prosper, carry Star Trek insignia all over them, talk about space ships or the latest Voyager episode and they think they are cool. I just want to kill them. Of course, you share this with anyone else, they tell you that "you are bitter and insensitive", so you just have to nod your head and have the fucking slob drool their awesome knowledge in your fucking ears. If you don't, him and the entire group of fanatics that found themselves in the school and formed the Star Trek Club will come with burning crosses in front of your lawn chanting William Shatner's songs. Oh, the horror, the horror. For sure though, the last thing I needed really was this bitch on her wheelchair shoving her fucking Sailor Moon up my ass. She puts her hand on my forehead. Gosh, your hands have been WHERE, may I ask? She tells me that "you are sick sick sick!" and I think she was trying REALLY hard to be funny or something, but it came out like she was about to burst into tears or kick me in the balls, if she had legs. Well, technically she does, and she stands up occasionally, but I think if I shoved her legs up her ass, she'd move better and would've a real reason to be bitter at life. Anyway, she goes "You are strange!" and she wheels herself away. "Peace at last", went back to my notes and J. (an anime` girl who for once is cool) says "I think you pissed her off" and I go "Watch me give a shit" and that of course is rethorical and needed no answer. "Don't worry, we'll go into our next class and she'll giggle like a freak at anything the prof says and will find a new friend". Yoopee for that. We go into class. Handicap girl tells J. to sit next to her, and she does, because J. wasn't really thinking. J. is one of those girls that can sleep with her eyes open and still look like she doing something. Occasionally her head hits the computer behind her, but I haven't met anyone as good as her at catching up with sleep and not get caught once. Anyway, who knows where her head was at the moment, probably still trying to recover from our previous fucking class with Mr. Genius the polyglot moron professor. Handicap girl starts to tell her all about anime`, and J. snaps back to reality, looks at me in search for help and I mumble something about a new friend. J. gets up, and says she has to do more important stuff than Sailor Moon, pissing handicap girl again. She doesn't really say she is pissed off. But you can clearly tell she's not a happy sailor.. uh.. uhm. She then proceeds to surf every fucking web site in town about the fucking cartoon downloading pictures and giggling at every fucking word that HA HA FUNNY PROF proceeds to say. Eight months, three weeks, four days to go. Sigh. ------------------------------------------- PoED would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org. PoED: What is the difference between a duck? Periodical of Electronic Dirt "media you can abuse" In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere Published every second Monday (or when we get around it) Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive Comments, queries and submissions are welcome http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471 A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost electronically. Available on Usenet newsgroups alt.zines and alt.ezines. This mailing is sent exclusively to those poor souls who chose to subscribe to the Periodical of Electronic Dirt mailing list. Spread the word! If you have friends who would like to receive PoED, ask them to send email to join@capnasty.org. If you'd like to unsubscribe because such email aggravates your male tolerance, simply send an empty message to leave@capnasty.org. Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat) Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D