Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume VII, Issue 4, AD MMII Monday, February 25, 2002 ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- "The word 'turd' should really be a verb. Think about it. Shit is a noun and a verb, as well as a few other things. Piss is both. Pee is both. Crap and poop are. Urinate and defecate have urine and feces. One can even fart a fart. So why has turd been so snubbed? One may never know. Perhaps it was once a verb, but has since fallen out of use. So, I ask of you, one turder to another, next time you feel the need to pinch a loaf, excuse yourself and say, `I've got to go turd.'" -- Melissa De Wilde ------------------------------------------- It's reassuring to see that the same people that provide me with phone service also land on my site searching for `horny+ottawa+girls'. dm2c82.bell.ca - http://www.google.ca/search?q= horny+ottawa+girls&hl=en&start=20&sa=N - http://con.ca/issues/5/1/28 goat: well they have to have some kind of social life :) Heh, quite true. I guess this proves they just spend all day long playing with their testicles, seeing their telephone service. ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial 2. Searching For Small 3. CoN at the Movies 4. Ride the Reverend 5. 'Troublemakers' by Harlan Ellison ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle award: http://members.fortunecity.com/tms3/ Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial Random Observations By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro The other day I was surfing the WinAmp site looking for some decent skins to give a more interesting look to the rather plain and boring looking programme. It's quite amazing to see the collection of skins that are displayed on that site. For those that don't know, WinAmp is one of the programmes that can be used to listen to Mp3s and related. By skins I mean the ability to alter the look of a programme and make it look prettier and what not. I am not referring to "nekkid" women, albeit from the type of Google searches I see that land people on our site, I am seriously beginning to wonder who reads this magazine. Anyway, after about half an hour of browsing I decided to stop as I reached the following conclusions: 1. skin artists aren't; 2. other skin artists judging someone's skin can't write for shit; and lastly 3. I've shit better skins. Take for example, oh, say the WinAmp StarGate Skin. While this will ensure I will never get any respect, I really liked the StarGate film and when I can, I try to catch the episodes on the telly. Check out this `awesome' description on the page: "download !!!!! the SG-1 series on you pc??? NO but you can relieve it with this skin" This gets to me. First of all, and not because the skin is utter shite, just making something grey and writing on it `StarGate Command' doesn't make it cool in my books. For those geeks out there that have seen the movie or the television series, I'm sure you could come up to a million alternatives than grey. I have, but I'll spare them to avoid further insults. Maybe by `relieve' he meant that I'd piss all over it as soon as I saw it. I don't know, but I was tempted. Which brings to a second interesting point, the spelling, or rather, the writing like a retard. I find it incredibly difficult to write in the so-called AOL-style. No concept of capitalisation; the use of `n' instead of `and' or `u' instead of `you'; and as far as a concept of grammar, spelling and paragraphs, forget it. Perhaps it's habit, but I have to actually stop and think to write like a cretin. Lastly, the abominable collection of exclamation marks. Let me tell you how much I hate exclamation marks. Actually, I can't tell you, because right now I can't think of a half-assed metaphor to give you as a decent example, so you'll just have to take my word for it. Let's just say I am not trying to prove I've got balls of steel as I don't `exclamate', but it's just one of those things that makes me grimace. I should, perhaps, specify that I don't completely dislike them. I feel they bring out the proper emphasis in the words one is expressing if used properly. But a row of them is unnecessary and as disrupting as a smiley in e-mail. Unfortunately these stunned fuck-heads is what's being passed for Internet users these days. And while the English language will slowly deteriorate into something illegible, you can rest assured there will be shining icons of defence, such as CoN, that will try to keep your fascistic literary tendencies at bay. ------------------------------------------- 2. Searching For Small By Cliff Yankovich "One pill makes you larger And one pill makes you small." Do you think the Airplane (yeah, I am talking about the Airplane -- don't give me that "Starship" hoo-hah) shopped at Sam's Club? By the second aisle I began to have the feeling that something was surrealistically wrong with the picture. Had I taken the "small" pill? It really started at the entrance. What the heck is wrong with this grocery cart? Been driving `em solo for years now and this one just didn't feel right. Wait a minute -- the thing is way too big. Sam's has grocery carts that have to be over some kind of load limit law. The oversized cart was just the beginning of my small day at Sam's Club. Maybe I just didn't belong there at all. Maybe the whole place is designed to keep people like me out. "Excuse me," I said to the helpful, courteous employee, "Can you tell me where I can find the dog food?" "Sure thing," says he and he proceeded to tell me how to get there. Five minutes later I was back. "Excuse me," I said to the helpful, courteous employee, "Can you tell me where I can find the proper dog food if one doesn't operate a kennel or happen to own a pair of Newfoundlands?" Key-ristmas, every bag of dog food in there weighed in at about 75 pounds or so. Just so happens my dog is a beagle kind of thing. With all her optional equipment, wet hair and full pockets she weighs about 12 pounds. What am I going to do with a two year supply of dog kibble? Suppose she runs off or is kidnapped or something? What if she happens to crave another brand six months into our commitment to this huge bag? I know its dog food, but mightn't it go stale? Granted, dogs are not the most discriminating eaters, but even she might turn up her nose up at old stuff that smelled of fish guts when it was fresh. This got me to thinking. I looked around some more. Sure, I love Honey Nut Cheerios, but where in my cupboard am I going to put THAT huge box? Salsa is a good thing, but I am not ready to commit to a container of it that I have to lift into the cart with both hands. And if I was to buy that big thing of cranberry juice, two problems arose. Number one will it fit in my refrigerator? And B, who is going to help little Amy pour herself a glass of it every time she wants a drink? Then it hit me - I was being discriminated against. Uhhhohhh. That was it in a nutshell. Okay, my dog isn't the size of Trigger, I don't have eleven children living at home and we aren't hosting a wedding or a fire department breakfast anytime soon. Clearly, Sam's was picking on me and making so I could not buy the products they sell. Don't they know I know a lawyer? Are they really asking me to launch a lawsuit, write a book, do talk shows and post a web site decrying their lack of concern for my personhood? The fact that they have built a national chain of stores designed to keep me out is a pretty clear indication of their total disregard of my situation. Well, once my little mind starts down a path like this, there is no stopping me. Never mind the discrimination; I began to realize how Sam's Club is working toward the destruction of America. Sure, those are strong words, but give me a second to back them up. Americans are overweight, are we not? Everyone knows those excess pounds lead to all kinds of health problems, early death, poor performance in track and field events, and a host of other conundrums. So if I go to Sam's and purchase my favorite cereal in the one foot by two feet box, then it only follows that I will overeat in an effort to keep the cereal fresh. It is hard enough for me to avoid over consumption of ice cream without having a five gallon tub of it in my freezer crying out to be saved from freezer burn. This is not only encouraging me to be overweight, Sam's club is MAKING me that way just like Phillip Morris made me smoke and my mom made me act out in school and... well, you get the picture, don't you? The subtle influence of Sam's upon our culture, health and general well being became crystal clear in an instant. Ever try to order a "small" soft drink at any fast food places lately? Read the menu boys and girls, most of them don't even offer a small size of drinks or anything else anymore. It starts out with "Medium", then "Large" and then goes off into "Super-Size", "Biggie-Size", "Mega" and what ever else they can think of to lure us to our doom. (I haven't figured out who exactly makes up "them", but "they" certainly must be a consortium of executives from Sam's, Burger King, 7-11, and Enron and the whole deal is no doubt under the watchful eye of Arthur Anderson.) How many pounds of sugar and how many calories make up one of those portable vats of soda pop? Why have they made it so it is flat out economic foolishness for me NOT to get the value meal with the Mega- helping of fatty fries? Why can't I get a small cola? Where did the "small" serving go? Wonder what Jeffery Feiger is doing these days? Hmm, hafta give him a call. --- c Copyright 2002 Cliff Yankovich www.chimeradesign.ws ------------------------------------------- 3. CoN at the Movies w/ Jeff Wright Hope you all enjoyed your one issue break from me. First off, let me say this... Don't EVER go see DAS BOOT in a theatre!!!!!!! Maybe rent it sometime (though I really didn't like it, some of you MIGHT), but NEVER IN A THEATRE!!!!!! I went to see it with Leo and Colin the other night, and Jesus! I've never shifted in my seat more than I did in those three and a half hours. My body still isn't re-adjusted. I'm uncomfortable. Leo said that it nearly moved him to tears. I'm hoping he's confused the word "moved" with "bored". I guess that counts as MOVE ONE. On to. MOVIE TWO: WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER Funniest movie I've seen in years. Rent it or die! MOVIE THREE: STORYTELLING DAMMIT!!!!! I'm a huge Todd Solondz fan, but this was just bad. It had its moments, but save your money. :( MOVIE FOUR: WHEN STRANGERS APPEAR The new flic from Scott Reynolds, the director of THE UGLY, and HEAVEN. I love HEAVEN, and like a lot of THE UGLY. This is just a lame thriller though. Really disappointing. MOVIE FIVE: SPACE GHOST - COAST TO COAST Okay, so it's not really a movie, but I have just recently discovered the brilliance that is SGCTC. I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!!! Okay, now even though there's still a lot of stuff I didn't see, here's my top 5 films of 2001, plus the runners up. Go watch some of them. 1. THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS Near perfect. To avoid the embarrassment of letting you all know how much I relate to this film, I shall leave it at that. 2. IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE One of the most beautiful romances ever put to film. 3. WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER HOLY F'ING SHIT!!!! This film is far too funny! It's a brilliant take on the summer camp genre. WATCH IT, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! Funniest film I've seen since SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER AND UNCUT. 4. MOULIN ROUGE Sappy as all Hell. I love it though. Sue me bitches! 5. YOU SHOOT, I SHOOT The funniest film to come out of Hong Kong this year. Why's there no DVD yet? I don't care if it flopped. DVD NOW! ARGH!!!! My other favourite films of 2001 (in alphabetical order, with country of origin): LE DESTIN FABLEUX D'AMELIE POULIN a.k.a. AMELIE (France) THE BEAVER TRILOGY (USA) CURE (Japan) FULLTIME KILLER (HK) HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH (USA) KAIRO a.k.a. PULSE (Japan) LE PACTE DES LOUPS a.k.a. BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF (France) MONSTERS INC. (USA) VISITOR Q (Japan) ZOOLANDER (USA) Okay. I've rambled for far too long. Later. p.s. Are the Olympics over yet? I don't care about them. p.p.s. I REALLY don't care about those Canadian figure skaters!!!! --- Jeff waits at the window, wearing a face that he keeps in a jar by the door. ------------------------------------------- 4. Ride the Reverend By Revscrj This is a recycled-multitasking email! "Recycled" because it comes from a mail I just sent a friend of mine in Indiana. It tasks: 1. To tell you a story about one of the things that happened to me; 2. to submit to CoN; and 3. to verify that I am NOT like other people. Before hopping on the bus, I had wished to meet at least one good freak just before I left. Well, keeping with "God laughs at me," I did. Her name was Violet, 19 years old, drop dead gorgeous, and I met her in Paducha, KY of all places. She sat behind me as I was writing about how that town appeared to be a total waste of space and that the people seemed beaten, bored and desperate. I look up for a moment and hear her say, "...and I just need to get to Mt. Vernon so that he can hold me and tell me it will all be okay..." Aaaaah, how co-dependant of you. Anyway, she keeps talking to the guy behind me until he falls asleep and had left off on the topic of marriage. Being a Reverend I pick up the conversation of course. She changes seats. Now bear in mind that I have introduced myself as a Reverend -- as far as she is concerned I am Clergy. We start talking about religion and truly I am delicate and respectful of her Catholic wedding desires while tactfully lying in as many slights to the churches I can without offending her. Basically, I am being a Reverend to her and thus am mainly consumed by a certain "forthright" demeanour -- y'know: in my `Reverendly' capacity I am far more tolerant and morally aware that when not. She has given all her money to the church. All of it. She is destitute. I think, "What a gullible fool you are," but say "Hmmm, 10% is all they really ask." "The more you give to God, the more God gives to you." "God doesn't want your money and giving it to the church wont put in into the divine's hands." All of a sudden she says that the clasp on her bra is "really annoying her." Usually people would just say "Oh." I say, "Hmm. Is it one of those double hook types?" "Oh no, there is one of those in the back." "It has two?" "Yeah, see?" and lo, she pulls up her shirt revealing a truly lovely pair of breasts covered by a rather thin bra. "Ahh, yes. There it is. I see." Remember me mentioning that sign that hovers over my head that says "young girls: fuck with this guy?" Apparently I left it on. She tells me her favorite drink is "Hot Damn" and that when her and her fiance' fight they do it naked because it makes it difficult to really be mad. Logically, if I want to see her naked, all I have to do is get her angry. Hmmm. "Soooooo, you were mentioning a 'wedding'?" She proceeds to tell me she is a virgin. "Well, I have sucked a few cocks -- but never with a tongue barbell. It MUST feel different! Don't you think?" "I would guess it would." "I'm really anxious to try it out!" "...sooo, that 'wedding'?" Apparently she is waiting till her and her beaux tie the knot to "do it" as it were. I tell her that its really not such a grandiose thing that it should be too built up -- psychologically speaking -- but 'congrats' for having the willpower and resolve to follow through with a difficult ethic. She replies to this with: "He wants to do it in a summer rain out in nature somewhere but I want to do it right there in the church when we become husband and wife." "HaHaHa, that's funny 'you may kiss the bride... er you can stop... OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!'" She takes the joke a step further and fakes an orgasm for me.... "Ahhaha... ANYWAY back to that 'wedding'..." I could go on, but my hands feel all sweaty typing it out. I mean, man, I was really fucking trying to maintain ethics here. I was being religious and all. Which, I think, was the crux of the matter -- but I'll come back to that. Time and conversation pass. Just before I doze off I tell her that she shouldn't feel disturbed about leaning on my shoulder if she needs to -- it won't bother me. I sleep. I awake. My hands are cradled in my lap and her head is in them. Were they not there she would be basically pressed into my crotch. I come out of sleep noticing this and am immediate aroused -- like I said she is truly lovely -- which of course has the corresponding physical effect -- if you catch my drift. She apparently is not asleep as she starts stretching her lips out to touch it and rubbing her head in small circles slowly. So there I am: half asleep with a beautiful 19 year old virgin who seems really set on giving me head, pinning my arms into my lap. All I can think is that the guy she is going to marry is one unlucky bastard if he deeply loves this woman and that if I let this happen I will be an asshole of the highest office. God damn it (ahem), I'm a Reverend, lady! I feign sleep but while doing so realize the grotesque joke of the whole situation all at once and suddenly bust out laughing and have to cover it up as a cough. Seriously, when was the last time you heard someone complain about a 19-year-old wanting to blow them? Yeah, same here, and this made me feel really fucking surreal for the next hour until we stopped and I got her head out of my lap. Even weirder: her head in my lap was like a manacle. Seriously. I was so paralysed by want juxtaposed with revulsion that she effectively had me bound and gagged simply by doing that. Amazing. In retrospect I think that it was the fact that I am a Reverend that made all that happen in the first place. The challenge of seducing a Holy man, the taboo of it. Hells Belles: "Hot Damn" for godsake! What she didn't know was that I am a Gnostic Reverend and thus not your garden variety repressed boy-hungry Christian type. Were it not for the other guy, she would've never stopped talking about it (even when basically saying "fuck me"), and I would have a far more pleasant story about the experience. She got off in Springfield and I rode on -- tempted but resistant. It is like the universe was saying "HAHA -- you and your 'ethics'!! SQUIRM - I command it! HAHAHAHA! Dork." Well, I'd really have it no other way... sigh. --- REVSCRJ is a writer/musician living in Monterey, California. Constantly on the verge of homelessness, he hopes that you enjoy his work or else his life has been in vain. Contact REVSCRJ at revscrj@cloudfactory.org to lodge complaints, notify of lawsuits, or receive spiritual advice. ------------------------------------------- 5. 'Troublemakers' by Harlan Ellison By Melissa De Wilde Harlan Ellison has been my literary hero ever since I laid eyes on 'I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream.' I was overjoyed to find that he had a new collection out. 'Troublemakers' is a selection of stories, chosen by the author, about, what else, troublemakers. Each story is introduced by Ellison and the 'troublemaker lesson' is explained in his inimitatable way. He's just trying to get us to smarten up by showing us what we do wrong through the troublemakers in the stories. As is often the case when Ellison talks to his readers, he starts out by insulting us for various crimes we may or may not be guilty of. But often we are. Or, at least, I am. But he always makes me feel like an old friend by the end. Harlan Ellison's introductions and dialogues to the readers are definitely one of the reasons I keep coming back. 'Troublemakers' has many old favourites including ""Repent, Harlequin," said the Ticktockman", "Djinn, No Chaser", and "Jeffty is Five." Also included are a few more obscure gems like the newly revised "Never send to know for whom the lettuce wilts", and "Rain, Rain, Go Away." And although 'Troublemakers' has no new stories, it's worth reading just to see what the author thinks we ought to learn from the stories. If you're already an Ellison fan I don't have to tell you to go read this book. If you're not, I find that it is my duty to try my damnedest to make you one. Harlan Ellison is fascinating, as an author through his stories, and as a person. He can be the kindest, and then the most brutally truthful. He is funny and sombre in one page. He can do anything you'd ever dreamed possible, and be everything you ever loved about an author. And since this is a review of a specific book, yes, he does all of it in 'Troublemakers'. If you consider yourself a well-read person, you should at least read something of his. If you already have, tell your friends. They'll love you. --- Melissa DeWilde wants to be Harlan Ellison when she grows up. She hopes he won't mind sharing. ------------------------------------------- CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org. CoN: Canada beat the US Olympic Hockey team 5 to 2. Canadians were shocked. Canada has not won gold in hockey for fifty years. Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse" In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere Published every second Monday (or when we get around it) Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive Comments, queries and submissions are welcome http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471 A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost electronically. Available on Usenet newsgroups alt.zines and alt.ezines. This mailing is sent exclusively to those poor souls who chose to subscribe to the Capital of Nasty mailing list. Spread the word! If you have friends who would like to receive CoN, ask them to send email to join@capnasty.org. If you'd like to unsubscribe because such email aggravates your Reverend riding intolerance, simply send an empty message to leave@capnasty.org. Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat) Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D