.ili. Devil Shat Seventeen .ili. ------------------------------------ Happy Done-That Year ............................... by Morbus Kill a Tree for Christ ........................ by Alex Boomer The Revolution ............................... by Tom Giddings This is Devil Shat Seventeen released on 01/01/98. Devil Shat is published by Disobey and is protected under all copyright laws. All of the issues are archived at the Disobey website: http://www.disobey.com/ Submissions, email, and news should be sent to morbus@disobey.com. Your comments are welcome. What do you want us to write about? Send an email and let us know. Happy Done-That Year. Hope you like getting drunk. -------------------------------- .ili. Happy Done-That Year .ili. -------------------------------- by Morbus It's hard for me to get excited over the prospect of another year ending, and another beginning. Perhaps it is because of the same-old fireworks, or the same-old ball dropping, or the countless year-in-review specials. Perhaps it is because of the amount of people giving resolutions, or setting firm goals to their dreams, or otherwise acting as if they will be a new person. Or, perhaps, as the title suggests, it is because it's been done already. How much more exciting can a new year get? Is it not as commercialized as buying new socks? There are year-end sales, and "crazy, crazy" deals... but it's all been done before. People should get tired of blowing their little horns, and cranking their little crankers, and getting drunk. But they don't. People seem to treat New Year's as some sort of giant worldwide party that they can reminisce about when they have sobered up the next day. PERSON #1: Man, that was a great new year's party, huh? PERSON #2: Yeah, man, hey, pass the bottle... I'm starting to see straight, again. PERSON #1: (swigs from bottle), braapp! Repetitiveness can be a good thing. You can repeat phrases from your favorite book because they inspire you. You can draw the same thing hundreds of times, trying to get the exact perfection you want. You can help the homeless. But repetitiveness can also be bad when it signifies nothing. What do you accomplish by setting false goals, or getting drunk, or watching fireworks? Each of those things already have their own times during the year (birthday, friday nights, and july 4th respectively)... they don't increase in value by doing them all at once. I don't know what to suggest, or even if my point has been adequately explained. I only know that year after year, the "new" means less and less. Sure, we have turned a calendar year, but we have become no different, nor has the world around us. We feel content to leave it at that: an incremental digit meaning nothing besides a chance to take off from a day of work, and get wasted in any number of ways. So, Happy Done-That Year, Devil Shat readers. May your resolutions fade quickly from your mind, the alcohol from your bloodstream, and the dying light of fireworks from your eyes. It's going to be another boring year. ---------------------------------- .ili. Kill a Tree for Christ .ili. ---------------------------------- by Alex Boomer If Jesus saves Then he better save Himself From the gory glory seekers Who use His name in death -----------------Ian Anderson Dying on the inside and glittering on the outside, dead trees in the home inspire Christians to rampant consumerism and excessive drinking. The seasonal orgy of stress, greed, and unrealistic expectations shattered is inspired by the death of a hundred million infant trees each year. In the Early centuries of the first millennium, a wave of proselytes swept over Europe and Asia. Like some sort of Holy Roman Empire version of Jehovah's Witnesses; banging on doors and yurt flaps, scheming to subvert Pagan celebrations into Christian Holidays. "You, too, can convert to Christianity and still enjoy having a dead tree in your house for a few weeks every year," they preached. Traditionally, trees were brought into pagan homes just before the winter solstice for the purpose of absorbing evil spirits. At the end of the "Yuletide" the trees would be taken outside and burned, destroying the evil spirits. In modern times these trees, bearing their load of Evil spirits, are scattered across vacant lots, dumped over the neighbors fence, tossed out down by the river and otherwise abandoned where no one is looking. The result is that evil spirits are scattered around and left to ooze out all over the neighborhood. This surely explains the increase in DUI arrests, suicidal tendencies, memory loss and domestic violence on New Year's Eve. The new practice of having public mulchings of expired trees may or may not solve this problem. It is unclear what becomes of an evil spirit which is run through a chipper-shredder. Experts speculate that the scarcity of trees in North Africa is a primary reason that there are few Christians there. Perhaps the spread of Christianity could be facilitated by exporting Christmas tree farmers and department stores instead of missionaries. ------------------------- ili. The Revolution .ili. ------------------------- by Tom Giddings the revolution will not be televised. there will not be goofy-but-lovable dads, spunky-but-lovable kids, ditzy-but-lovable moms, or curmudgeonly-but-lovable grandparents. there will be no bad jokes, and there will certainly not be a laugh track. the revolution will not be televised. the revolution will not be televised. no score will be kept. there will be no instant replays. there will be no referees. the playing field will not be clearly marked, and neither will the teams. the winners will not bring home a trophy. the revolution will not be televised. the revolution will not be televised. the wheel will not be spun for cash and prizes. no-one will ask to see what's behind door number three. the answer will not be given in the for of a $64,000 question. Don Pardo will not tell the runners-up what they've won. there will be no exciting new home game. the revolution will not be televised. the revolution will not be televised. there will be no commercial breaks. it will not be sold by heavy-breasted-yet-anorexic super models espousing family values. there will be no cooing babies held by screaming salesmen clad in plaid polyester suits. there will be no celebrity endorsements of late-night 1-900-JACKOFF lines staffed by the Swedish bikini team. it will not come in packs of six or in cases of twelve or twenty-four. it will not slice, it will not dice, it will not make thousands of julienne fries. the revolution will not be televised. the revolution will not be televised. there will be no sound bites, no creative camera angles, no snide comments from animated redneck prepubescents. there will be no lip-synck contests. there will be no mention of Generation X, rave culture, grunge fashion, "Totally 80's", or Marsha Brady. John Lennon, Sid Vicious, Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain will not be deified. the revolution will not be televised. the revolution will not be televised. there will be no callers and we will take no questions from the audience. our guests will not be closet teenage gay pregnant overweight bulimic gang member junky interracial anarchist S&M necrobestialpedophiles who disobey their parents and the poodles who love them but had affairs with their sisters husband. and again, there will be no mention of Generation X. the revolution will not be televised. this has been a public service announcement from Face Enterprises. if this had been a real emergency, you would have heard a lot of screaming from outside your house, accompanied by the sounds of gunfire and the National Guard shelling the low-rent district and artist's quarter of your city, followed by an announcement from the government that the situation is under control and martial law has been instated, along with a seven o' clock curfew. c1994, all rights reserved. any resemblance to persons living or dead without purposes of satire is purely intentional. do not wash in cold or hot water. this end up. walk, do not run, to your nearest gun store. remember Kent State. the revolution starts here. the revolution starts now. the revolution will not be televised. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The website edition includes images, a nice design, and all of the email we have received about this issue. 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