---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- hide your children & lock your doors, folks. it's yet another action-packed issue of everyone's favorite family-fun 'zine .. $$$$$$ $$$$$$ $' $ $ $sssssssss .s%&$$$""$$&%s. .s%&$$$$""$....$ $....$ $' $ $ `$ $......$ $::::$ $::::$ $$$$$$$$ $.....$ $.....$ $::::::$ $::::$ $::::$ $......$ $:::::$ $:::::$ $||||||$ $||||$ $||||$ $::::::$ $|||||$ $|||||$ $iiiiii$ $iiii$ $iiii$ $||||||$ $iiiii$ $iiiii$ $$$$$$$$ $!!!!$ $!!!!$ $iiiiii$ $!!!!!$ $!!!!!$ `"Y$$$$$ss$$$$$$ `"Y$$$ss$$$$$Y"' `"Y$$$$ss$$$$Y"' "doomed to obscurity" issue eight - released march 17th, 1996. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (1) "straight outta hatboro" by - black francis ____________________________________________________________________________ | | | | you've *relentlessly* | | | that's it, mogel. i'm | . | attacked my lifestyle | | _____| sick & tired of all your | (@%#%# |_____ & personal | | | _ _| stupid straight edge jokes. | |_ _`@ | _ _| beliefs & i will | | ( o o|) i quit, you facist bastard. |(|o o %) | o o|) *NOT* put up with | | | > |______________________________| | < | | > | it any longer! | | | o | / | - | | O |-,------------------| |__|____|________________________________|____|__|____|____________________| | | | | | | ok. i'm sorry, bF. please, | . | | OK, WHEN DO I START? | | write for dto again. | (@%#%# | ______ |______________________| |______________________________| |_ _`@ | | | / | | \ (|o o %) | ( o o|) / | | \ | < | | | > | / | | | o | | | o | | |________________________________|____|___|__|____|________________________| sure, i've sold myself out. but, then again, who hasn't? welcome back, suckers. it's time for another round with your good buddy black francis. THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT? "don't hurt me! i'm fragile!" I DIDN'T THINK SO, MOTHERBITCH. anywho, let's get right down to the nitty-gritty. since mogel *really* wanted to make a big deal about my re-joining the staff of "doomed to obscurity", i was going to have THE LORD JESUS CHRIST himself guest-write the editorial for this issue but he was kind of busy so i'm just going to grab my cat, pretend like he's THE LORD JESUS CHRIST, & slam his paws on the keyboard. i apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused anyone. thanks for your understanding. *ahem* .. & now, a word from THE LORD JESUS CHRIST himself; xz sdnb bsbdb nndjdjcsnderf,kmn n bn b dnx ndfdcd nnc k MM,MAMMAKkssk,k,k,,mx,m xxm,dx mx m di dcnmnj jjj ow. the fucker scratched me. hmph. ANYWAY .. you'll have to excuse me, kids, for i've been in an extremely giddy mood lately. lots of fantastic things have been happening in my life & they've all had a suprisingly positive effect on me & my usually piss-poor attitude. maybe i'll write about it if i can find the time 'cause, as you all very well known, i am a virtual graphomaniac(1). (1) graphomaniac - one who is crazy about writing. also see "inside joke". enough about me. let's see what's new in the "doomed to obscurity" news department; at the request of our anal-retentive writers, i have ceased replacing all of their "and"s with ampersands. picky bastards. also, for all you "web-surfers" & "cyber-punks" & "idiots", the new & improved "doomed to obscurity" web page is up & fully functional. check it out at : http://www.prism.net/dto/ tell 'em mike hunt sent you. get it? mike hunt. ah-hahahaha. no? uh. say it *really* fast. like, together. mikehunt. hahaha. whoo, that's a good one. eh. anyway; i may be dumb, but i'm not a dweeb. i'm just a sucker with no self-esteem. phew. i kill me. ok. enough of that news bullshit. let's get back to talking about me. my side-project music-only 'zine, "kill your head", is currently in it's final stages of completion. now, don't hold me to this, but if i release it at *all*, you can expect the first issue later this month. included are album reviews, music-related articles (this months issue has articles on the punk "revival" & moshing), & whatever else i can squeeze in that seems to fit the bill. that'll make *two* 'zines i can never finish on time. i'm so bad. anyway (i really need to cut down on my "anyway"s. hey, uh, if anyone can think up any decent replacement words , please mail them to the "doomed to obscurity" correspondence address with the title "re : anyway". i'd be ever-so-grateful.), i've been withholding the goods long enough. on with the zaniness! ____ ___| |_ _ ___| | _______ ----------------------------- | | | | ----------------------------- ----------------------------- | | | | | | ----------------------------- | | | | | | (2) doomed to obscurity eight | | | | | | & all contents therein .. | | | | | | ----------------------------- | | | | | | ----------------------------- ----------------------------- |_____| |_____| ----------------------------- |___ _ 1 - "straight outta hatboro" by - black francis 2 - "doomed to obscurity eight & all contents therein .. " by - black francis 3 - "an ode to noodles" by - black francis 4 - "dewmed - part one" by - james hetfield 5 - "monumental misunderstandings throughout world history : july 14th, 1973" by - black francis 6 - "me three!@#%" by - mogel 7 - "downward blinded gluesniffer trip to hometown america" by - eerie 8 - "hate is a bald guy named steve" by - shadow tao 9 - "how to make an ansi bomb" by - belial 10 - "the elf says .. " by - creed 11 - "ascii-toons" by - black francis 12 - "artichoke powder - condiments ; chapter 563" by - murmur 13 - "FUCK YOU, HOOKER" by - styx 14 - "did i mention i'm a bastard?" by - james hetfield 15 - "a portrait of a naked chick with big tits for men, women, & children of *all* ages to view & distribute freely." by - black francis 16 - "the chaos theory ; saturday, july 16" by - eerie 17 - "frannie's poetry corner" by - black francis 18 - "doomed to obscurity wacky fold-in" by - black francis ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (3) "an ode to noodles" by - black francis this is heartfully dedicated to all the noodles in the audience. - -- ---] noodles noodles, i love you. you taste so damn good in my stew. you're so delicious, i must say, that's why i eat you every day. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (4) "dewmed - part one" by - james hetfield mogel : "can you believe it? 6 telecom legends living in the same house?" tao : "if spending all our time together doesn't produce the best 'zine ever, i dunno what will." JH : "why do i feel like i'm in an episode of the young ones?" bF : "fuck you, hetfield. cock sucking bastard." eerie : "trees@#$$!@#@!" .. & so it began. the ultimate 'zine experiment. if you lock six telecom legends in a house for infinity, they should produce hamlet, right? - -- ---] JH : "i'll take this room." mogel : "that's my room, jamesy." JH : "ok. i'll take this one, then." bF : "fuck off. whose fucking shit do you see in there, you retard?" JH : "fine. i'll take this room." eerie : "uhh .. that's my room, i think." JH : "no, eerie, you'll be sleeping in that room." eerie : "oh. ok." murmur : "do0d! that is like my room, do0d!" eerie : "oh. i'll take that room then." bF : "fuck off, jackass." eerie : "oh." - -- ---] after they settled in, they got themselves into a writing groove. murmur : "do0d! wanna hear my newest condiment? it's #3145 : goat cheeze!@#" JH : "it sucks." murmur : "oh." mogel : "i like it, murmur." murmur : "do0d!" tao : "i just finished dto vs. the amish, part 13!" JH : "it sucks." bF : "GOD FUCKING DAMNIT, HETFIELD." - -- ---] as you can see, everything was perfectly normal. but, a funny thing happened friday, october 13, 1996. murmur woke up to find eerie's head splattered across the bathroom walls. the only clue left was a small note that read : "tree this, you facist bastard@!$$#@$#@!@#$!$#!" dto immediately had an emergency meeting. fake scorpion : "i dunno guys. this doesn't look good. but, what do you expect from a society like the one we live in? as my mentor, william b. corgan would say .. " all (except tao) : 'THE WORLD IS A VAMPIRE .. ' bF : "fuck you all. stop fucking looking at me like that, you bastard cock suckers. i've been framed. i couldn't have written that shitty note. the asshole who written that fucking piece of shit didn't fucking use fucking words i'd use, damnit." JH : "he's right. not a single swear on the entire note. but who would frame you, bF?" bF : "HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? JESUS CHRIST." - -- ---] so, the dto crew pillaged frannie's room for any evidence. all they found were 215 empty beer bottles & three pixies' albums with cum stains all over them. murmur : "do0d! there are no codez here!!!!" mogel : "hmm. we could search everyone's rooms, but this is a family 'zine." tao : "yeah." JH : "hey, where did fake scorpion go? come to think of it, where is eightball? he was here a while ago .. " bF : "fuck. we lost two more writers .. & no one is fucking writing anymore anyway - & all those fucking shithead 908ers never fucking stop bothering me for the new fucking dto. FUCK IT. I QUIT." tao : "yeah." murmur : "do0d! you cant quit@#@#$!$#@! not in the middle of a story@!#$!$!@" bF : "wanna bet?" .. & with that, frannie disappeared. they found his body in the broom closet fifteen minutes later, stacked neatly on top of eightball's & fake scorpion's. - -- ---] murmur : "do0d! now frannie can't come back & become head editor & quit & come back & become head editor again!" tao : "yeah." JH : "don't worry. this is only a story, guys. it's not real." tao : "STORY??? STOP$$@#!#$ STOP THE STORY@#$!$#@" JH just broke the realistic element of this story! (clap, clap) JH : "thanks. way to go absurdity!@!#@!$@" .. meanwhile .. demonseed : "eye have them right where i want them! muahahahahha#$$#@@!!#$@!# .. to be continued .. - -- ---] rattle : "hey!#@! when does everyone get to see my cameo appearance & find out i'm really the homicidal maniac?" next issue, rattle. next issue. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (5) "monumental misunderstandings throughout world history : july 14th, 1973" by - black francis a riot which kills one, injures thirty-six, & does over eight hundred thousand dollars in damages erupts on a golf course in orlando, florida after british tourist nigel hornsworth compliments black tourist jerome fisher, vacationing in the area with his wife & twelve year-old daughter, on his "nice pair of knickers". * source : the orlando times courier. (15 july, 1973). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (6) "me three!@#%" by - mogel i fuckin' rock. that's all there really is to it. you see, my friend, i'm a functional loser, but i still rock oh-so much harder than YOU - & yes, i do find this to be a sad, sad world where someone as lame & pathetic as me actually TOWERS above so many people in just so many ways. i simply kick ass. you know sometimes i devote my precious time actually thinking of crazy-ass concepts for innovative t-files. things that HAVEN'T been done before. i bet you people forget every sentence you're reading right now holds every essence of my being. yup. i'm supposed to be a writer & here i am, writing, & in a sick way it blows my mind that whatever i type right here & now is going to be read by you & others for all time. thousands upon thousands of eyes will be seeing doomed to obscurity forever. we're the best. we're legends & we're aware of it. do you even UNDERSTAND that kind of pressure, kid? don't you wanna have something that is funny, intelligent, witty, well-written, & actually SAYS something? isn't THAT the point of what we're doing? otherwise, why bother? so, being the omnipotent being that i am, i've i've developed a knack for psycho-babbling about nothing in particular, & making a point of it. this is a rant about rants. this is something pointless - & that _is_ it's point. wanna hear a story? i bet you do. the other day while i was waiting for the bus i carried on a full-on rockin' conversation with some smelly-ass, old homeless guy named "ralph" on the street comparing humanity to a piece of lint. he was one hip motherfucker & i'm sure if i was homeless, this is the kinda guy i'd like to be. when you're that awesome, you can be a bum & get away with it. i've been working on my own subculture of being a jackass. i get some insane kick out of rubbing open wounds with total strangers & pissing 'em off. did you ever notice how people are pretty unaccepting of their problems? say, for example, my head was a turnip. if someone made fun of me, i'd just be like "yeah, my head is a turnip. no shit. man, were you born this stupid or did you undergo some kind of special training? move on with your pathetic life, bastard." - & that'd be it. the issue would be over with. but for some reason people can't seem to adapt to my anarchy. go figure. what made me this way? i look around my room & it's filled with books all about art & film & philosophy, but all of that stuff is hogwash to me 'cause i've twisted & mixed everything i've ever learned & read into one big, simple mass. maybe that's why i'm so fuckin' pheared. okay, LET'S TALK ABOUT SOME PHEAR. TRY LOOKING AT THE AVERAGE COMPUTER-OBSESSED NINNY. SITTING AT HOME ALL DAY IN FRONT OF HIS COMPUTER. THOSE "HE'S EXHIBITING HIS TALENTS," FROM MOM & DAD EVENTUALLY TURN INTO "WHEN THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA GET YOUR LEG-FACE OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE" - & ALL YOU CAN DO IS REASSURE THEM THAT YOU ACTUALLY GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT REAL LIFE STUFF, WHILE YOU JUST BOOT UP ANOTHER MUD OR IRC OR SOME BULLSHIT & THIS IS THE ESSENCE OF YOUR WORLD OF TELECOM, YOU SOCIALLY DEPRIVED BASTARD. IT ALMOST MAKES ME WANT TO GO BACK TO THE IDIOT LOCAL BBS SCENE & DOWNLOAD A "HOW TO MAKE A KICK-ASS BONG OUT OF DYNAMITE & A RED BOX" T-FILE. TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS ELITE. I HOLD DOWN MY SHIFT KEY, I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE CAPS LOCK PANSIES. OH, & I CAN OVERLAY EVERYTHING WITH A GRATUITOUS COMPUTER PUNS AND SEXUAL INNUENDOS FOR SOME ATTENTION, TOO. HA HA HA!# BUT LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT ME. LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU. YOU DO NOTHING. YOU'RE WORTHLESS. BUT PLEASE KEEP IT UP 'CAUSE IT JUST MAKES ME LOOK BETTER. "hey. i can start a 'zine, too!" starting another stupid-ass e'zine? WOW. can i touch you?! only a select few can be as awesome as i, so please, go ahead & dream about me, you big CYBER-STUD, you. you probably take pride in the fact that you're the only one in your house that can set the clock on your vcr, idiot. but we all know that no matter what - in a stupid guy's mind, he always wins. is this misdirected? maybe. let's just PRETEND i'm just talking to myself instead of YOU. sometimes when i wake up in the morning i seriously forget who i am & it scares the shit out of me. feelin' disconnected from people makes you sickly superior, even if it alienates you. there's a whole growing process that takes place in the mind & eventually generic angst is consuming. you drive yourself crazy & think yourself into a box. "life's a big no-win situation," an old girlfriend once said to me, "if you relax, you're not doing anything - & if i'm doing anything you're not relaxed." WHY SEE A PSYCHOLOGIST WHEN I CAN JUST WRITE FOR DTO? HAHAHA!#% it's funny how i can analyse things to death in my head, making them look mediocre & meaningless all the time, but they still mean something. AGREE WITH ME!# YEAH, YEAH. I'LL SOAK UP SOME MORE "MOGEL, I LOVE HOW YOU WRITE FICTION, TOO!@"S. DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW HOW WHAT CLEVER THOUGHT EVEN IS OR DO YOU JUST NOT CARE? & AS LONG AS I'M YELLING, COULD SOMEONE TELL ME WHY THE HELL HASN'T ANYONE EVER BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ALAN FUNT OF CANDID CAMERA? WHAT A FUCKHEAD!# eventually, you just begin z0ning yourself out with the extremes & the pointlessness becomes the point, over & over again. you laugh at your failures as they pile up into a big stinkin' pile & you laugh like one crazy idiot in a sexy-ass "we're-all-fucked-and-that's-pretty-damn-funny-in-a- sick-way-so-let's-forget-about-if-it's-a-serious-problem-or-not-hey-pass- the-doughnuts-hey-got-a-piece-of-gum?-i-wonder-if-i'll-ever-do-anything-but- float-around-&-have-anything-besides-a-rad-text-file-&-an-affectionately- named-unix-box" type thing. "mE t0o!#$%" so, please, continue to shut up & let me do the talking. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (7) "downward blinded gluesniffer trip to hometown america" by - eerie recommended soundtrack for this article : "sleep asylum", by uzi. - -- ---] ATDT 1-800-M0G-R0QS CONNECT 19200 mogel : "dude, that chaos theory thing was pretty rad!#$ so what are you gonna be writing now?" eerie : "well, there's like 20 other chapters of the chaos theory to come, man." mogel : "great!@ great!@ but don't stop yourself from writing stuff for dto! like, nonfiction!@ we dig your stuff!@#" eerie : "er, yeah." mogel : "WE LUB YEW, CANUCK!@" eerie : "that's what they all say, yankee." NO CARRIER - -- ---] LISTEN UP, JERK. WHAT FOLLOWS HERE IS UNIMPORTANT. ALRIGHT? just finished eating broccoli soup. feeling pretty fuckin' bad. like, if i put that portishead cd in the player, i'm gonna cry. fuck that shit. i tell myself : "i'm way too sensitive." then i write a couple thoughts on a piece of paper. "i'm alone & i'm sick." good. angst-ridden randomage. why is it that i'm so well in my pathetic state of self-depreciation? time for a caffeine fix. some guy told me he could get me some amphetamines. now that would be a trip. non-stop energy. well, a couple cups of coffee & a couple glasses of pepsi should do it for now. cheap speed, that's what it's called. from the day cobain said : "i hate myself & i wanna die", no one could say it again without sounding like a dumbass. she called up today. she's a chick i used to love more than allowed. actually, because of her, girls make me puke now. maybe i could, like, turn gay, but sincerely, i hardly find any guy to be attractive. of course, she never realized she fucked me up. she never realized anything, in fact. it could hit her in the face & she'd ask herself why it hurts so bad all of a sudden. so she calls up. "hello, long time no talk." i think : "great thing it's been a long time" & say : "hello, how's it going?" it's been the only moment i've been a liar for the past few weeks, i swear. we talked. i could care less about what we said. what i'm sure of now is that i'll probably never tell her to go fuck herself in the ass with a screwdriver, even if i want to sometimes. i sort of need her as a balance. she's there. she serves a purpose. well, i think so. "so what's up with you?" me? well, i've been hyperactive sometimes & depressed other times. wanted to kill the world, then myself, then you, then the world again. it's pretty much a cycle, y'know? but instead of changing my moods progressively every couple weeks, it does it at hyperspace speed, like, couple times a day. it sure is funny. "me? oh, i'm alright. what 'bout you?" "i'm fine." after a couple useless questions & answers, we hung up. a voice in my head tells me i should smoke a joint now. it'd fix everything. true. but like, i've got nothing to smoke. i'm gonna have to endure naked torture in my head with no way of easing it up. wow. what a deal. why am i writing this to you, dto reader? why am i standing here, with my pathetic bare naked feelings? i guess that's 'cause i know for a fact that you've got both feet in the same shit i'm swimming - i mean drowning in. or maybe you're not into it yet. well, i'm writing this so you can at least know how is it. kinda stinks, kid. i shouldn't have grown up. i'll be 21 in a couple months, y'know? i'll be an adult everywhere in this fucking world. sorry, nausea strike. in dto #7, at the end of my "grunge article" (the one with the long ass title) i wrote : "whoo whoo, man. oops, nevermind, wrong article." it was a reference to an article that i really liked by fake scorpion in an older issue of dto. for some psyched-out reason it was suppressed, so i'm rewriting it here. i really thought it would have been the funniest line of my article. tell myself i should write that novel i've been working on lately. ha-ha-ha. impossible. too much self-censorship from the big ugly grey thing that serves as a brain somewhere between my right ear & my left ear. not that i can't stop it or something. it's there for a purpose : prevents me from writing what i wrote before. WOW. HOW POETIC. notice how i'm not even talking about sex in this collection of ramblings. pisses you off, eh? preparing myself to go to sleep. like i'm gonna be able to sleep anyway. it's not that i think too much alone in my bed or anything, like i used to do. it's just that i'm not physically tired enough to actually sleep. my head needs a break, though. i'm not a psychologist or anything. just checking out the symptoms & if you don't wanna care, you can always kiss my french ass. "but what's your problem, dave?" "i'll make you guess. it starts with a 's' and ends with a 'c', a 'h', a 'i', a 'z' & a 'o'." i told you it was unimportant, but you never listen. - -- ---] ATDT 1-800-M0G-R0QS CONNECT 19200 mogel : "dude, that story you did was pretty keen!@#" eerie : "which story?" mogel : "you know, that story about that chick calling you up & all .. " eerie : "oh. yeah." mogel : "dude, it's all good, but why do you keep writing fiction?" eerie : "err .. 'fiction'?" mogel : "you mean it wasn't?" eerie : "er. yes. of course, it is. it's all untrue. at the end the hero's gonna get smashed by a ten-wheeler!@!" mogel : "good!@ good!@# i like violent endings! so when are you gonna write a sequel to the punk article?" eerie : "you fool! the punk article WAS fiction!" mogel : "true, but it was funny!@" eerie : "gee. er, lemme finish this article first, okay?" mogel : "of course!@%" NO CARRIER - -- ---] i don't think my mind could ever get through a sleep. it's morning & the sun rises up. i spent the night thinking & writing that useless crap. needed to get some fresh air. can't open the window. it's winter. cold. i hate cold. dressed up pretty much like an eskimo. opened the door & faced the outside. ahh, air. it's been a long time since i last breathed. here am i, hot particle in the center of the universe (we're all in the center of the universe, y'know), a voice that doesn't say anything, a mind that can't even argue with its own self, eyes that are blinded by a blatant morning sun - here am i, in the middle of the road, & .. SHIT!# WHAT THE .. @$#@! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (8) "hate is a bald guy named steve." by - shadow tao "hey you! can't figure out what to do with those old golf clubs?" bald guy in ugly pants : "yeah!" "hey you! don't know what to do with your vegetables for tonight?" tired homemaker : "yeah!@" "hey you! having trouble in your relationships?" worried boyfriend : "yes!" "hey. we we're on a roll there. improv again and you're gone." worried boyfriend : "jeez. you'd think for union scale .. " "shut yer trap and say it!#" worried boyfriend: "yeah!@#" "HATE is america's number one selling emotion! it dices, it slices, it makes your parents feel bad. you can use it for socks ; it even does argyle! the power generated by one person hating is unmeasurable! it can't be stopped!" watch this! julienne fries! 'ka-chunk!' crowd : "oooh!" HATE MAKES IT GOOD. relationship got you down? try it with HATE!# GF's friend : "i'm sure it's not as bad as you think it is .. " girlfriend : "YES IT _IS_!# I JUST KNOW HE HATES ME!#%BOOHOOHOO!@" boyfriend : "ThAT's RiGhT!@ I _dO_ HATe YoU!@@$" boyfriend : "WAAaAHAaHHHHHH!@$ WAAaaAA!# .. " HATE MAKES MAKES EVERYTHING _OK_! "what about k0d3z?", you say? HAH!@ it even does k0d3z!@ housewife : "my redbox just won't work any more! i'm fed up." HERE. HAVE SOME HATEFUL CODES. housewife: "wow!@ thank you dto!" YES!@ HATE CAN BE YOURS AT THIS lOW lOW PRICE OF JUST 19.99! order yours today! WARNING : hate can cause pain in extremities. consult with doctor before using in any situation. hate may cause dizziness, swelling, distrust in your fellow man, heart murmur, callousness, palpitations, ugliness, headache or vengeful hatred in some pre-1987 congressmen. always follow directions on label. avoid using small children. do not use as a liquid. carcinogenic when inhaled. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (9) "how to make an ansi bomb" by - belial disclaimer : fuck the disclaimer. if you fuck up man, you must be one stupid mother-fucker. damn. what the fuck. i'm sick of all this shit. first issue and we already fussin' with all this disclaimer shit. fuck that. mother-fucker, just read the fucking article and shut your rat-fucking mouth. stupid piece of shit. - -- ---] this is how you make a fucking ansi bomb. if you don't like it, then go fuck yourself you stupid shithead. if you do it wrong, then i hope you die, because you deserve to. dickhead. shit your punk ass will need ---------------------------- you're going to need this list of shit. if you can't get any of it, then you must be one fucking stupid asshole. 1 - 5 to 10 colored blocks (black [0,0] for super stealth). 2 - 2 gallons of gasoline. 3 - 20 feet of rope or twine. 4 - 15 rolls of ducktape. 5 - 1 lighter. 6 - 1 drill (cordless) with a 1/2 inch bit. 7 - 1 cork, a little bigger than the drill bit. 8 - 1 plastic jesus. how to put the fucker together ------------------------------ this is the hard part, asshole. if you're stupid, then get out of my fucking face. i don't have time for assholes like you. if you fuck this part up, then you must be queer. we're making an ansi bomb - not fucking hard. my fucking mother can make an ansi bomb and she's a fucking idiot. if you can't follow these simple steps correctly, then go fuck yourself in your tight ass, whore! step 1: assembly ----------------- all you have to do is get the colored blocks and stack them up in a big fucking pile. then, take the ducktape and wrap it around the blocks until they are all secure in one big happy fucking ducktape ball. you're almost done shitface. next, take your fucking drill and bore a big fucking hole in the top of the ball, through the colored fucking blocks. when you have a pretty big hole, throw the drill at a little animal and go fetch the fucking gasoline. pour the gasoline in the hole until it is filled up. if there is any gasoline left, drink that shit (don't leave any evidence to incriminate yourself, stupid). now, get the rope and the cork. put one end of the rope into the hole, then plug the fucker up. if you haven't gotten this far, then you're a fucking dork, deserving to be shot in the fucking brain. give the assembly to some lamer, and if you're a fucking lamer yourself, keep it. take the rope, the side not attached to the fucking bomb, and hide behind some big fucking tree. step 2: do or die! ------------------- take your fucking lighter and light the end of the rope that you have. (unless you're some kind of asshole, you will have the side that isn't attached to the ansi bomb.) blow on it a little (or suck if you're stupid). wait a few minutes. your stupid ass probably can't comprehend this, but it takes time for the fucking flame to reach the bomb. if you don't hear an explosion after 20 minutes, grab the plastic jesus and pray that i don't find out that you fucked this up, because i will find your ass and beat the living fuck out of you. shithead. how could you have fucked this up? any fucking moron, with any kind of goddamn intelligence, could have done this, asshole. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (10) "the elf says .. " by - creed everything is blank in here. i sit, alone, in a dark room, in a dark house, thinking dark thoughts. this house is completely silent. my cold fingers slam upon the keyboard as hard as they can, but they don't make a sound. it's quiet in here. there is an elf on my shoulder. the elf says, "how philosophical thou art!" yeah, i'm being deep. i'm being deep because i hate being deep. i'm being deep because everyone in this world knows that i HATE being deep, and i just feel like saying, "FUCK YOU!" the elf says, "ANARCHY! WE HATE THE QUEEN!" the radio is off. normally it would be on .. it's always on .. but it's off. it's off because i want it to be on. i have an overwhelming urge to turn it on, but i'm not gonna do it. these urges are obviously induced by the government, and i shall not submit to the government. everyone who works for the government, of course, is a fascist. especially my teachers. and i hate fascists. the elf says, "right on, man. power to the people." it hurts when i swallow. it hurts when i breathe. my head is spinning, and my stomach hurts. i'm sick and loving it. i feel sad about how i've fucked up in my life. i feel depressed about how i haven't left my house in months. i feel guilty about musing and writing about how lonely and misunderstood i am. and my feet are cold. the elf says, "life's a drag." i love myself. i am gifted with a mind that is unparalleled. i can have emotions and ignore them, because i am strong. and i could crush you if i wanted to, by sheer will alone. i am the most powerful man in the universe. the elf says, "eye phear!@#" i want to change the world and how people think about it! i want to lead an armada of tormented youth, fighting in a revolution for truth and justice! i want to be remembered for centuries to come! i want to be remembered as a god to humankind! but all through this, i want to be cool. i want to lead my rebellious forces nonchalantly, stoically, not caring about my own success. because i am strong. the elf says, "hail caesar!" i'm confused about who i am. being as brilliant and powerful as i am, i have finally expelled myself from all of society's cheap labels. and i hate it. finding true individuality has destroyed me .. i don't know what to feel about certain things, because i'm not finished with creating my personality. and i've got to be different. enlightenment is near. the elf says, "you are a true zen master." yes. i am gifted. i am wise. i am evil. i want to be rich. i want to be a rock n' roll star. i want to be somebody. and i want to kill that elf right now. the elf sighs, and vanishes. "you fail again." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (11) "ascii-toons" by - black francis here are two cartoons i did for the school newspaper in ninth grade. they're not particularly funny, but, i thought they would translate nicely to "ascii-toon" form. enjoy. - -- ---] "the drunk : part one" ____________________________________________________________________________ | | oh, don't even | | | you're drunk off | | | eeeeee | THINK i'm gonna | dddddd | eeeeee | your ASS & your | | | EE | | let you drive | | DD | EE | | reaction time | | | e oo|_ | home in your | _|x@ d | e oo|_ | becomes GREATLY | | | ( ___| | condition! | |_ ) | ( ___| | impaired when | | | | | /`-----------------' |_ | | | | __| intoxicated. | | | | |___ | | | | |___ `--------------------' | |__|____|_______________________|____|__|__|____|__________________________| | | now, if somebody or | | | | | eeeeee | something were to | | dddddd | eeeeee dddddd | | EE | | suddenly JUMP out in | | | DD | EE | | DD | | e oo|_ | front of your car, | | _|x@ d | e oo|_ _|x@ d | | ( ___| | you wouldn't be able | | |_ ) | ( _| |_ ) | | | | __| to stop! | | |_ | | | _| |_ | | | | |___ `----------------------' | | | | | | | | | |__|____|___________________________|____|____|____|__|____|_______|____|__| | | | | | eeeeee dddddd | eeeeee dddddd | eeeeee dddddd | | EE | | DD | EE | | DD | EE | | DD | | e oo|_ _|x@ d | e --|_ _|x@ d | e oo|_ _|x@ d | | ( _| |_ ) | ( _| |_ ) | ( _| |_ ) | | | _| |_ | | | _| |_ | | | _| |_ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |__|____|________|____|__|__|____|________|____|__|__|____|________|____|__| | | | | | | | eeeeee dddddd | eeeeee dddddd | | hey, that | dddddd | | EE | | DD | EE | | DD | | is a lie! | | DD | | e oo|_ _|x@ d | e oo|_ _|x@ d | |___________| _|x@ d | | ( _| |_ ) | ( _| |_ ) | \ |___ ) | | | _| |_ | | | _| |_ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | ___| | | |__|____|________|____|__|__|____|________|____|__|________________|____|__| - -- ---] "the drunk : part two" ____________________________________________________________________________ | | you know, that's | | | | you used to be my | | eeeeee | it, lenny. that's | | mm-hm. | eeeeee | BEST friend, but | | EE | | the LAST straw. i | |________| EE | | now you're just | | e oo|_ | cannot STAND it | \ | e oo|_ | DRUNK all the damn | | ( ___| | when you're like | \ | ( ___| | time, passed out | | | | __| this! | | | | __| in my bath tub. | | | |___ `--------------------' | | |___ `--------------------| |__|____|__________________________________|__|____|_______________________| | | you've become a | | | | like .. like NOW, | | eeeeee | MONSTER, totally | | mm-hm. | eeeeee | lenny. now would | | EE | | oblivious to | |________| EE | | be the PERFECT | | e oo|_ | everyone & | \ | e oo|_ | example of what i'm | | ( ___| | everything around | \ | ( ___| | talking about! | | | | __| you! | | | | /`---------------------| | | |___ `-------------------' | | |___ | |__|____|_________________________________|__|____|________________________| | | | | | . ~ . | | eeeeee | YOUR HEAD IS ON FIRE & | | you know, i thought | )\)\)\ | | EE | | YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE | | that you, of all | / ) | | e oo|_ | IT, FOR CRISSAKES! | | people, would be above | ( x@ \ | | ( ___| |________________________| | such childish pranks. | \___ ) | | | | / |________________________|__ | | | | | |___ ___| | | |__|____|__________________________________________________________|____|__| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (12) "artichoke powder - condiments ; chapter 563" by - murmur i should brought nother shirt, this one wrinkle. hueh. oh, things terrible. can not .. imagine. hungry. aaahhh. i am wake. there oh go. you can hit sign, yep. too cold they, man. bastard. you so into you too. banana tasty, pants grease. buy shirt, be back or soon. yah, here is tricky. go not fish, like taco. scuse, gron. snore. we may have eat junaid. moral : avoid the vietnamese. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (13) "FUCK YOU, HOOKER" by - styx sucker was a quiet boy. he liked to play his nintendo and watch wrestling. in school he pretended he worshipped satan so people would leave him alone - not that he wanted to be left alone, he just didn't know how to interact with people. sucker took up the drums so he wouldn't have to take his physical education classes. it was senior year. he just wanted out. one day, sucker was removing his black trench coat from his locker and cuntlick approached. cuntlick was the only girl in school that would talk to him. he didn't know why. they didn't have anything in common, yet he somehow felt he could relate to her. it was one of those there's- something-there-but-i'm-not-too-sure-what-it-is type things. he never experienced that before, and secretly delighted in cuntlick's over friendliness. "whatcha doin', sucker?" "FUCK YOU, CUNTLICK." "hehe. you're so WEIRD! say, wanna catch a movie after school?" "I CAN SMELL YOUR SLOPPY SLOT FROM HERE. UNCLEANLY BITCH." "just pick me up at 4:00, okay? i have something to show you!" he got home at 3:15, roughly, everyday. fulfilling his post-school ritual, he vigorously played tetris for a half hour. his mother entered the room along with a serving of grilled cheese at an exceptionally intense part of the game. he did several strange things that made her feel emotionally uncomfortable and she left quickly. he arrived at cuntlick's modest house at 3:58. cracked paint, small porch, rocking chairs.. the whole bible-belt-thang. he knocked on the door and cuntlick's mother answered. "oh, sucker! she'll be right with you. one moment." "YOUR DAUGHTER IS A STUPID HOOKER." she giggled and left to fetch her. sucker waited patiently in the foyer. he had never been in any other part of the house. it was like some forbidden zone. he wondered what amazing things could possibly exist beyond. altars? unusual pets? antiques? his curiosity got the best of him, and as he was about to proceed further into the house o'secrets, cuntlick arrived. "wait 'til you see this, sucker! you'll absolutely ADORE it! let's get in the car." she grabbed his arm and practically dragged him down the driveway. he repeatedly spat at her face but he kept missing and she wasn't paying enough attention to notice. upon entering the car there was an awkward silence. sucker felt he should say something. "I DON'T FUCKING CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME. YOU MAKE ME ILL. YOU NEED SOME HYPER-POWERED DOUCHE SHIT 'CAUSE YOU'RE SKANKING UP MY CAR." "you have such a way with words," she giggled. "listen, sucker, i know this isn't much but i don't have a job right now so i couldn't afford the REAL thing. anyway, i hope you like it." she trembled with anticipation as she handed over a matchbox-car replica of a yellow corvette. the kind of car he had always dreamed of one day getting. "WILL YOU PLEASE JUST CLOSE YOUR LEGS? I'M SERIOUS, WHORE." he started the car, threw it in gear, and slammed down on the gas pedal. with a shudder, the junker plowed down the road headed for the local movie theater. "so, what do you want to see? i hear that _life is great and i love you_ is excellent and i've wanted to see it for a while. my parents watched it last week. bobby and i were going to see it once but we ended up just hanging out at his place." sucker winced at the name of her ex-boyfriend. "why must she constantly mention him?" he thought. "does she think i really want to hear about him? what, exactly, is wrong with her?" he abruptly replied. "WELL I WANT TO SEE _CHICK WITH A PLUNGER STUCK UP HER SNATCH_ AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT I'LL DRIVE RIGHT INTO THAT TRUCK AND END YOUR MISERABLE LIFE." "um. i have something to tell you, sucker." he stared lazily at the road ahead of him and appeared to be oblivious, but she continued .. "listen. i've been talking to your cousin steve a lot. we hit it off pretty well. i slept with him last night." sucker was astonished. "what?" "he's a nice guy. i also slept with your dad." "my dad?! why? who else?" sucker was struggling to control the vehicle. "well, let me think. steve, your dad.. um. oh yeah. our english teacher .. and your dog .. and that guy in 7-11 all the time." sucker just drove, completely dazed. how could she do this? she knew he liked her. after all, she's the only girl in the whole school he talked to at all and she knew that. how could she not know?! it's so obvious! why did she even ask him to the movies? what is wrong with her?! his lack of concentration caused him to run a red light, and before long he noticed the red and blue flashing lights behind him. sucker pulled over. the cop approached .. "do you know why i'm stopping you?" "yes." "why?" "i ran the red light." "that's right. may i ask why you ra.." the cop stumbled over his words as his eyes met cuntlick's. "er.. hi there." he hesitated. "listen, i'll let you guys off with a warning. i suggest you pay closer attention to the road, okay?" sucker, perplexed, nodded his head. the cop wandered back to his car. "i slept with the entire police force, too," cuntlick explained. sucker couldn't bear it any longer. "but.. you know i like you! why are you telling me all of this? why did you do it? is there something wrong with me? don't you know i care about you? for goodness sake, cuntlick, it's not like i interact with any other girls! you know that! i just don't understand. what is wrong with you?" cuntlick wasn't too sure what to say. she knew he liked her, but there wasn't any commitment. nothing was ever discussed. technically, she did nothing wrong and he had no place to even ask about it. she was confused. "YOU FUCKING PINDICK PIECE OF SHIT. I ONLY HANG WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE A CAR AND YOU CAN BUY ME CIGARETTES. YOU DON'T MEAN A THING TO ME. YOU'RE A SOCIAL REJECT BASTARD. FUCK YOU." by the look on sucker's face, she hit home. he started shaking and his face was flushed. "how could you say that to me? cuntlick, i think i lo.." she interrupted. "YOU PUSSY-WHIPPED PARASITIC COCKSUCKER. SHUT UP." "i think i love you," he blurted in a fit of blind frustration. cuntlick was startled. it wasn't like sucker to let his guard down. does he really mean it? maybe, deep down inside, there's a kind and caring young man struggling to burst through the surface of an emotionally scarred shell. what if she could bring him out? what a challenge! what an achievement if she could pull it off! the thought of saving such a tortured person as he consumed her like a spreading fire. she had been wrong all along. now was the perfect time to make up for her mistakes. "oh, sucker, i had no idea!" she couldn't believe it. "are you being serious?" sucker was looking down, his hair covering his face. he was gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were turning white. he looked much like a cornered and scared animal. he timidly attempted a reply. "yes." "i'm so sorry! oh, i think i feel the same way about you! i just never gave it a chance in my head, you know? but now! oh, sucker!" she flung herself across the front seat and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. with a swift movement, sucker slammed her in the teeth with his elbow and sent her sprawling to the other side of the car. cuntlick's eyes widened in fear and pain and she clutched her mouth with her hands. sucker put the car in gear and slammed down on the gas pedal. "HAHA. JUST KIDDING. FUCK YOU, HOOKER." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (14) "did i mention i'm a bastard?" by - james hetfield only in insanity can you possibly find answers. without evil, there is no good. and only in the shadows is it possible to see the truth. i, james hetfield, am a bastard. ask anyone .. atdt1-847-998-0008 connect 28800 welcome to gtalk, detecting ansi. [ansi detected] user id: 427 password: ........... [minor co-sysop login] no new email .. loser. --> connect (main) at 00:00:01 --> #427: #03: bastard. #04: you, scott, are a bastard. - -- ---] plenty of people know i'm a bastard. especially me. now here's the problem ; deep down inside of me, i think there's some kind of silver lining, that makes me some kind of messiah or great good person simply acting angstful. #03: bastard. what makes me think that i have some kind of good in me, compared to all the evil i do to each and every person day by day? by all that i use everyone for, night after night? #04: