(!) _DUMMERCON 3_: The Text File Review (!) Visit the official Dummercon website for pictures of this year and previous years events! http://www.dto.net/dummercon/ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am pathetically trying to compile a list of all the people I remember who attended Dummercon. My memory isn't perfect. Sorry. Mogel, Murmur, Kaia, Shadow Tao, Jook, Quarex, Mercuri, Skooter, BUG, Metalchick, Evol, Spiff, Kurdt, G0ff, Whoops, ErisE, Moogle, Jamesy, Yumas, Pip the Angry Youth, Hacksaw, Ninja, Fake Puck, Kerropi, Swisspope, Ghort, Feival, Glynis, Obsidian, Hrothgar, Rick Chen, Rattle, Ilsundal, Rattle, Ilsundal, Trilobyte, Neko, Kraftwerk, Sighrik, Plexus, Gnarf, Vanir, Renee, Wallpaper, Darkland, Kilmer, Spirit, Ryuu, Captain Rat, Kheldar, Piglet, Windex, Suicidal Chicken, Dead Cheese, Poto, Graywolf, Sonia, Handle, Crank, Splatman, Goldy the Pimp, The Front Giant. Oh, here were the Dummecon King & Queen awards: Dummercon King Nominees Dummercon Queen Nominees ----------------------- ------------------------ Murmur ErisE *WINNER*! --> Mogel Glynis Quarex Kaia <-- *WINNER*! Jamesy Feival Ghort Pixy ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "dummercon or something like that" by murmur it's an odd feeling, the feeling that you were primarily responsible for assembling a group comprised of some of the most gifted and potentially successful high school and college-aged people in all of america, just do they could, as a mass, act like a bunch of fucking idiots. but such was the experience that was dummercon, a surreal event made even more surreal by the inexplicable appearance of a dazed and confused and frost giant and made seem no better than the glory days of pol pot as a trio of small children gingerly stepped their way through a sea of once-attached keys from a series of once-functional keyboards. it should come as little surprise that the master of ceremonies barely arrived on time and that the most-awaited of all guests somehow managed to be late. as the event unfolded, backed by a soundtrack consisting of the likes of better off airport, jack drag, napalm death, and faxed head, slowly the masses arrived and went to eat and came back and wandered off and were basically more or less assembled through the greater part of the afternoon in an otherwise peaceful and beautiful central illinois park on a warm but not overwhelmingly hot mid-july day. the absurdity typified by a contigent of people from a portion of america that's never really sure what time zone it belongs in was a common thread throughout the day, as sailors wielding wacky noodles and conspiracy theorists wielding laptops raised the ante on previous festivals of text and gore with the previous threshold of a mere twenty-nine participants being buried by the onslaught of what may well have been eighty people from across the country, many of them smart enough to reach bloomington, illinois to attend an e'zine convention but of sufficiently little brain capacity that merely signing the log, intended to let the people who had masterminded the event, was such an ordeal that they could not figure out how to do so. the melting pot boiled over with otherwise ass-glued-to-seat geeks and dumbfounded quasi-transients along for the mayhem comprising a remarkable ensemble of personages who combined to make for no more federally-recognized nationalities than not-necessarily-federally- recognized preferences in a mate's gender (all, of course, with the recognizance that "VIKING" remains well off the list of federally-recognized nationalities), literally defining a generation of mostly middle-class white kids possessing neither rhyme nor reason but shitloads and shitloads of drive, desire, and in particular energy, though the energy seemed confined to the hands of perhaps a mere fifteen percent of the actual event participants, the rest content to stand around and look much like their parents, wasting away in the splendor that is a good economy but atrocious schooling. the circumstances having been painted in such a drab and bleak light, with the aid of a text file editor that has been configured to show me my beautiful characters in morose blue, can you but try and imagine the scene when some sixty or seventy freaks from across the eastern half of the country, plus one currently in nevada, tried to gather into a massive circle and introduce themselves as though it were storytime at vacation bible school for a bunch of impoverished inner-city second graders? well, try. although i've got to admit that i was a bit disappointed with the lack of innovation on the part of this year's attendees, certain things more than made up for that perceived lack, in particular: * modem bomb - though i'm not typically pro-pyrotechnics, i've got to give credit where credit is due, and credit is due to rattle for doing something so absurd as blowing up a modem. * the dumb stuff - an annual dummercon tradition, this year's dumb stuff was the best yet, with such oddities as a bunch of namecards, a mighty jim daubs t-shirt, and shadow tao's mcdonald's uniform being up for grabs. * the court - it was a dumb idea and it didn't work nearly as smoothly as we would have liked but it was still a nice touch, even though quarex nearly killed me in the aftermath of it for doing something or another. * the text-file competition - jamesy's team [teenage mutant ninja t-files] produced the single most intriguing spontaneus live text file i've ever seen. unlike pip's team [slightly off center period], which turned out a very amusing text file indeed, jamesy's actually went less for amusement than serious writing in a timed setting, which was an extremely interesting (and unexpected) development. still, goldy the pimp from pomona wrote for pip! there is still something fascinating about the premise of seventy people gathering in a park in central illinois because of text files. at least with hacking or something like that, it's a community where you can smell some sort of identity - but text files, that's so vague. granted, a lot of people that were there were local yokels who had no clue what the fuck pEz or cDc are, but that's forgivable, they'll know one day. also interesting was the fact that this year, unlike years past, we actually had more than six girls (or however many we had at fdr park philly for dummercon 2) and it somehow looked less like a bunch of total geeks gathering and talking about network cables (unlike the infamous tut-raping at dummercon '96, so elite it was a year ahead (it took place in '95, see (we were really fucking clever back then (so clever the name "graphomaniacs" was suggested as an early name for dto!)))) there is a pretty strong consensus to move dummercon to the suburbs of chicago in 1998, but, of course, there's a lot of fucking suburbs of chicago, so i have no idea what will actually happen. overall, i think a lot of people really liked it, a lot of people had their lives permanently changed for the worse (like mercuri, who is now evil), and a lot of people were just generally confused and don't want to think about it anymore, and that's our goal, confusing the fuck out of people to the point where their immune systems crash and we can rob them of everything they own through slick telemarketing schemes and/or those fake pet things. this file is very late in being written because i am slacker du jour and you should love me for that, for, well, i am murmur, after all, you slimy bastards. motherfuckin' wu-tang. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "In Retrospect: Dummercon" A Review by -- Mercuri I was supposed to write an extensive review of Dummercon. Oh well. Here's what I thought of all you cool zine people who attended: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! YOU ARE ALL LOSERS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! PLUS, YOU'RE ALL UGLY!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! WEAK! WEAK! YOU'RE ALL EITHER CRACK WAIFS OR FATASSES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! IF YOU HAD FUN AT DUMMERCON, YOU HAVE NO SOCIAL LIFE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The following material is from the annuel Live E'zine Contest. This year, we decided to face-off Jamesy and Pip the Angry Youth once and for all. The editors were given two minutes to create a promotional text file. Then, they needed to assemble writers to write for their 'zine. "slightly off-center period" "teenage mutant ninja textfiles" (FACE-OFF) Editor: Pip the Angry Youth vs. Jamesy Writers: Ilsundal vs. G0ff Suicidal Chicken vs. Whoops Goldy the Pimp vs. ErisE Dead Cheese vs. Kaia Spiff vs. Trilobyte Rattle vs. Shadow Tao Here's the resulting live text-files, unedited: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- greetings from the scene;s new zine... SLIGHTLY OFF CENTER PERIOD . # 1 BY PIP THE ANGRY YOUTH (jamesy likes little boys) ------------ pretty uch our zine is here to distribute new and stimulating poetry on the information superhighway... we want to be a forum for those of you who want to be heardj... shout out and feel the angst just shoot out of your mouth and cover the deafened ears of the unbeleivers... ==( .)== i like you smell like poo makes me think of a jew oh you... == (. )== jingle bells jingle bells chestnuts all the way oh what joy it is to ride in my hooptie while we pop a cap in your punk ass bitch. ==(. ) we have hikus now they are nice things to write, man i like them alot ==( . )==- uhm, ,this si a poem and it doesn't rhyme ==( . )== ==( . )== uhm... i can' treally think of anything else to write... so... yeha ------------ . #2 edited by pip the angry youth =(. )== ouch!# by jill soublet oh you hurt me my inner child weeps i wish i could die i can't think of anything my mind is a blank slate built with pain i'll just fade away... =( .)=============== you ripped me off by leroy the guy i can't beleive you charged me five bucks i wanted that album for four but no... you ripped me off. i waited for you outside of your store the next night you came out by yourself and i killed you... the end WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, HUH?!@3 I ASK YOU THE SIPMLE QUESION IN A MILD TONE OF VOICE... ARE YOU HAPPY NOW THAT YOU GOT THAT EXTRA DOLLAR?! == (. )== enter night by james hetfield exit light enter night take my hand off to never never land ==(. )== the sweat on my nuts by mogel it's hot today sweat on my nuts i feel slippery sexy seductive i am woman, hear me roar. ==(. )== next issue we're going to start a new format... anything you want to submit, not all poetry# ------------ . #3 by ilsundal "fuck!" hi hi hi! :) smiley dundle florfs ... orange little posies in a field of white smoke. we have lots of little june bugs flying in a purple haze. cake, cake is nice like lilies on a warm beach with rosie posies. if we all had half the amount of cake snuffles had, we'd be content. :) :) :) --- smile, yellow flowers in an autumn bliss. candles singing after a big big kiss. people flying many kites. people stealing the bill of rights, if there was as much mustard as there was cheese, we'd never ever have to please; the summers of heaven dancing like the wind, and then and then, there' no more toads to find. ;) :) :) happy happy happy! he he he! not only that, but there's a lot more sauce to go around. "and don't forget to enjoy the sauce!" ------------ rant by suicidal chicken 732? What the Hell? ------------------- I guess the grass might be greener on the other side; But it will all turn brown someday. The flowers may be sweet and bright and beautiful; But they will all wither. The skies may be quite blue, and the clouds brilliant; but storms will come, they will come. Where do you go when you get homesick, and you realize, you are already home? P.S. h0e sucks, GASP rules! ------------ take a golden shower with me by goldy the pimp from pomona yo! this iz GOLDY PIMP fro POMONA an me an muh homies un chikls iz in da gahden! i like wented to d markit an dis bouy he sez yo u caint git none dat alchemy, it 2 late! an like i sez u i toest bouy an i whipps owt da gaTTTTTTT an he sez sir u can have whiskey i sez no BIOTCH! an i GATTTTTTTTTT an i stealz all hiz 40zz!!! an den we iz hav lotz of poo-tang wif da poo-tang-biotch pahty pahty crewss!!! an we gotz drunkz!!!! so i tellllz u wut i thunk abow da supream hoart. it iz like, yo, they is da old men not da homiez, what nose dey nthin:?/ jack boot bastARDLEY i writz poem fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish FUQ U NIG-MAN HONK-MAN FAKE-HO-BAG yah i writz gr8 poeZZ# yo dis GOLDY PIMP fro POMONA an i iz OWT$&Q ------------ i am cheese, and i am dead by dead cheese i like apples. hey everyone, where's the apples?? i can't find them nywhere. i've searched and searched. no apples for mr. bean. sometimes i sit in my bed and dream. what do i dream about, you ask? why, apples. what else could i dream of? apples grow from trees and they taste good and i like them a lot. the night was cold. the man was old. he had arthritis. so he smoked a bowl. everyone thinks i'm just a normal guy. i'm not. i have friends named wallaby and effervescence. effervescence is a frog. he bubbles and chirps. he's so silly! i think that wallaby is my best friend. he likes to dress me and like him. when he puts on my underwear, he touches me in a special way that makes me shiver. shiver like a crazy ol' goose! time for peeps. they ride in jeeps. i eat smelly mooses. ------------ grrrrr@#$#@@$#@#$ _a collection of angry youth tales_ by spiff the angry youth i connect on port eighty, you crzy sexy baby.. GET / HTTP/1.0 oh apache my dark lover, what mime type shall we dine on this evening? text/plain?text/html? no, your audio/wav was never meant for me.. you close your connection on my heart... you never were much for love... till we meet again. --- skillz 4days, my crazy ways, i know all the plays, i would've gotten all A's. BUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING TEST HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CHAPTER YOU STUIPD FUCKING WHORE. warez my diploma? --- "DRIVING IN NJ" over the bridge, do it for the kid, left, right, left/right another ko. watch out for the semi#@$#@#$@$# ------------ ronald mcdonald by rattle "i have had good days, and i have had bad days. today wasn't one of them" i got this fucking job as this fucking microfilming place working for fucking morons with fucking idiots. i fucking HATE it. this wacked bitch told me yesterday that she dosen't like me because i use big words. what a idiot. i hate her, this make me hate her more.. in fact, i told her that god hated her, because he told me. bitch. i hope she does not replicate. the guy who runs the place is named jim. this is one count down already. i have never gotten along with a person named jim in my life.. (with like 3 exceptions).. for some reason everyone named jim is a asshole. just for kicks i'm going to name my first born male jim.. so he will stay away from me. punk. yep. anyway, back to work.. i film old law documents. it fucking sucks. the other day i brought in a copy of hustler, and filmed a few pages in the middle of some case.. so somewhere in the queens count court archive, there are twatty pictures. i am just SO cool it hurts. ego is a good thing i say. i am god, and i know it. you can't hurt me. see! that sounds like some lame ass song lyric, and thouse guys make money. lots. more than me. and they have lots of chicks. damnit. i need chicks.. without mouths ------------ that about wraps up . ... we have had a good run of about 34 t-files... i love you guys, - pip the angry youth. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ########## ## ## ## ## ########## ### #### ##### ###### ## ### #### ######## 3######## ######### ## #### ### ## ## ## ######### ### TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TFILES "Mess with the best, die like the rest" - CRASH OVERRIDE hey, guys! write for my fucking zine, nigaga!@#$!$!$R!#IU#RHJWEHJ this is like my ZIBNE and HSIT. i hope you LIKE IT., here;'s sone POETRY: "Jews" -By JAmesy JEWS NIGGA FUCK SHIT UP I love the blood red sky in the morning as i open the flaming torch of a open winter fire morning JEW in the spring smells slowly like green --- q- - - - - - - - - sok what does it take to submit to TMNT? it's simple! be at dummercon., write on this machine. goi ahead and wriute over what i type, i don't care. so like all you ave to do is a boom boom boom baby zoom zoom -JAmesy {the great white hope} ### SAFET-NUTS SAYS THUS FUKE US @ lines!!! CHUCK EATS POOP OOII HYDRATES ------------ YYYYYYYYY O O N N IIIIIIIII G YYY OO Oo NN N II G YYY O O O N N N III G YYY O O N NN III YYY O O N N III G TMNT-001.txt by james hetfield. "this file hsa no subject." this file has no subject no adjectives no fuck up shit in the middle of a wasteland in america working in a corn factory shooting birds out of the ground with their piss assed smelly frat men slamming their feces into the corvettes of sixty - five year old women you can't escape. you can't leave this pathetic hole we exist in. you won;'t make it. you can't. you can't even try. oh, you THINK you tryu, but you don't. you make escapes of your own, little escapes from your escapes from everyday life. you think your little life saver and your bullet - proof vest is going to stop the jaws of hell from sleeping on top of your teddy bear your father gave you in the 11th grade when the mother was found head down in the colorado river? and you think there's a reason? i pity you. i pity your attempt at living, your attempt at not living, and your attempt at attempting to even create some sort of surreal existential mish-mash gulag. drown. flip through your personal yellow pages what do yuo find? a book full of advertisements, full of excuses of why you don';t have anything inside of you. you run through a cycle of mistakes that will never break. you eat your own shit, you wallow in your misery, your ear is bitten off, and you wait for round 2. your only consellation is antilles' heel; your only prize is a squirt of urine in your face and sleep deprevation under your eyes. sleep well, my friend. you'll need my regards. ------------ "Cran kitty cryong on my shoulder" -- by g0ff In everyone's life, there is an experience which completely defines the rest of everything wchih will come until death. For me, it involved a cat, a beverage, a parent, and another parent. Let me paint the scene for you. My mother, my father, and I were sitting aroun the table in the living room, watching some duly banal television show, eating our pitiful tv dinners, and drinking our preferred beverages. My mother's beverage of choice was Ocean Spray Cran-Raspberry juice. As qwe sat there watching, my mother suddenly came upon a sense of thirst. She turned to my father and asked, "Can I have some cran-raz?" At this point, I should note that in _Zodiak_ by Neal Stephonson, the exact same sentence appears. Anyway, my father replied, "Here's cran-kitty," and handed her Anna the cat. They were divorced within a year. And that's that, really. 251-5049. ------------ "The love of my life" -- by Whoops It started off innocently enough. I was in class. 14 years old, a freshman in high shcool. She passed by the door.. books in hand, hair swept up on top of her head. Five years later, I see her again. I'm older now, a little wiser, a little stronger. I'm sitting on a bench in the park, she sits down next to me, books in hand. She says not a word, leans over and kisses me deeply. "I've been watchin you," she whispers into my ear as she nibbles on it. "You're the one." She takes my hand and I must follow. She leads me along a path for a while, until we are alone. Strokes my hair with her delicate fingers, massaging my head with her skilled hands. Her gossamer hair neatly on her head looking somehow seducitve, prim and yet wicked at the same time. She takes me to her place, and it happens. You know how it goes.. Slow, learning each other for the first time. I fall asleep in her arms, content and dreaming of clouds. Wakin up two hours later; she is gone. A neatly typed note left on the kitchen table: "Goodbye. Love, Mavis Beacon." She's my type of woman, Mavis is. -kc ------------ "blah" -- by ErisE this is a story, not about warez, not about d00dz, with nothing leet whatsoever involved. this is a story about "normal" fucking people. hi my name is tori. i'm insane. this has been determined by multiple professionals. i know many people who are perfectly sane. they are shining examples of people. really. not one thing wrong with a single fucking one. so there was this guy named bob. he had a girlfriend who was somehow decided to be "attractive". he really hated her, to tell the truth, but he continued to date her, to spend (waste) most of his time with her, and to live for her. too bad she didn't give a fucking shit about him. later in my life, i met a very nice woman named jane. jane was obsessed with how much she sucked. no matter what she would do, she would always hate herself, degrade herself, hurt herself, deny herself. everything that happened in her life related to her. it was all her fucking fault, regardless of how remote it may indeed be. really fucking sane. sanity, insanity, it's all relative. it's not even that. it's completely meaningless. themoire i live the more im' convinced of this. ------------ "Time to make the marshmellow chicks explode" -- by Kaialicious Once upon a time, the International Council oF zines, during their annual Dummercon convention, decided that the next Great zine leader was a five-year-old boy from Spokane, Washington, who never bled when he was injured and could provide philosophically-sound advice from the likes of Nietzsche and mOGEl upon request to anyone in the world. So they flew the child to the next Dummercon. He agreed that he was willing to take over the world of Zines. While making his way to the mini-mart, however, he got run over by a train and lost both his arms and legs so he could never begin to write nor ever be a major track star. However, driven by a need to create, he purchased a skateboard and went to Wildwood, new jersey, and sat on the boardwalk singing "AMazing grace" and asking for donations. One kid, however, was mean and decided to wheel the kid into the ocean where undiscovered by the lifeguards, he sunk to the bottom of the ocean and became a sedimentary rock. A geologist in the next century discovered a wonderful gem one day at the bottom of the ocean, and decided to make it into jewelry. ------------ "\yo" -- by trilobyte this is bob, they say, wth grins on their faces. bob is not loved by many. bob hates all, bob wants to die. bob was born with eaten hair -- what exactly ate his hair is not to be disclosed. sometime in the formation of his head, little tiny stupid-things ate away the filaments inside his scalp. however, along came bob's dad, and offered to whoop ass. "i will whoop ass," he gleefully exclaimed. crowds nearby paid no attention, but bob's mother cheered, broke water, and ejected bob out of her body. he landed on the floor with a hard "thump", and began to cry immediately. "waaaah," he cried. but he had no hair. he grew up to be a hairless motherfucker with no hair. rogaine couldn't help him. nothing could help him. he was considered to be a stupid mother fucker and liked to eat bread. not just any bread, but the extra-se=pecial bread that you can't just get at any old supermarket. he needed to go to a nice bakery to get HIS bread. he needed to drink while he ate his bread because it was dry, rather like german bread, but it was not made of wood. or bark. that would make a break rather fibrous. fiber is good, though, old people like fiber. otherwise, they can't shit. or if they do, it doesn't come out solid. some of the old people have hair and some don't. they might have lost it. when you get old, even the old women lose hair. there's no male-pattern baldness for women -- because they're not males. but the bitches go bald anyway. bob doesn't like that -- he feels sorry for them. he feels their pain. but they bake him bread, cuz he's a stupid motherfucker. ------------ "unlisted number" -- by tao she spotted him outside the market, wandering about the booths and looking at pieces here and there. she strolled up to him, casually sweeping her stride across the stone, scraping her shoes along the rough cobble. "how odd to see you here, father.. i din't think you came down very often to deal with the riffraff and such," she gleamed with a smirk. "oh, you know.. sometimes you have to know what it's like." he cooly picked up a piece of pottery, turning it over. ".. i doubt you know what it's like, father." she loosened her top a little.. pink jutting out from underneath the crimson. " that doesn't work on me, lilith." he replied, steeling his stare. "oh, you're cheating. no mere man can resist me." suddenly, a pillar of fire struck down from the heavens, reducing her to ash. somewhere in the wind, the windchimes tinkled with a giggling titter. "cheater.. cheater.." he looked back down at his piece, putting it on the desk and walking away. ------------ this has been a dto production in DISGUISE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, SUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- So that was Dummercon 3. I hope you're happy. -eof