+ evolution + + issue four + December 16, 1996 %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Thanks to: subfarm, for hosting the evo web site (located at http://outside.wserv.com/toast/evolution/). Bryan and Aidan, for keeping me sane. Patrick, for writing such beautiful music. Anne, for giving me a hug when I needed it. Colette, for continued zine inspiration. Apologies to: everyone (and a certain someone if she read it) for issue #3. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% [ToC] + reader comments + excerpt from Looks Yellow, Tastes Red + my new microphone + end-of-semester sko0l update %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + Reader Comments + I've decided to start including some comments I've received about +evolution+ over the past few days. No real reason for this, maybe it's to boost my deflated ego a bit, maybe it's just to make this look bigger. For whatever resaon, here's a sample: dt, got ish 3, sorry to hear your story. you're too much of a good kid. - Tim, Hasbrouck Heights, NJ cold rain falls on my face i don't stop complaining about the rain, the rain and the way my toes are freezing up inside my boots suddenly seeming thin boots you soak up the whines like i soak up the rain into my hair and my scarf but i feel like it's into my absolute middle inside i see the pain on your face in your tired voice like i feel it in my knees my fingers and elbows and i know that it's harder to be angry at you than it is to be happy more work, like laundering rained on stuffffffffff ....or something like that. my saturday night probably didn't suck quite as hard as your friday night. yea. goodnight. - Sarah, Wellesley, MA Notice: these have been reprinted without permission. I'll probably be inclined to do the same in future issues if you send me mail or talk to me, so be warned. =) %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% I'm sitting in my dorm, listening to "Pedestal" by The Fleece. It's a really beautiful song. Aidan and I played it at Meghan's house for her birthday party, him singing and playing guitar, myself on the drums. I have the amazing urge to write this zine, but I don't feel like I have anything to write about. My mind is really just sort of empty right now. The rest of me feels pretty empty too... %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% [excerpt from Look Yellow, Tastes Red #9 - this pretty much sums up exactly what I've been going through lately.] I got scared of falling in love because I have been alone for so long, so fearful of letting myself be consumed by another person just to escape myself, so fearful of letting another person close enough to me to see my worst parts. I tried to tell myself that of course there was some virtually painless way to orchestrate a relationship, some way to completely guard against losing yourself. I hardly got past trying. But maybe it's better to let the pain of trying to relinquish yourself take its course -- then you _know_ you have lived through it and you can try your best to become what you are again. Then there's the fear that's all about realizing that someone close to you has thoughts about you and every single one is positive. I get the sensation that I am leaning out of myself, fearful, focused so intently on this other person. It's like this with my mother and with Patrick and sometimes other people. I feel that every nerve in my body is tuned to their slightest reaction, thought, feeling, I can feel the slightest disturbance in mood filter through the air and sometimes there is so much fear in me, fear for me and for them and for all that goes on between us. Now the winter is over and the realization of all that I;ve done remains. I don;t know where I got the strength to keep a love or a person or even just a friendship over that time... other winters have left me all alone and resentful of everyone who wasn't, other winters have forced me to destroy the bonds between other people and me, at any cost. I have pursued people too desperately out of fear, or driven them far away with my moods. I am so sick of being this way, of being lonely and resentful, jealous. Feeling that the whole world is mocking me but there is nothing I can do or say to make one person look at me with understanding. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% don't want to hurt you act so sure but it's not me it's just a blur. - The Fleece, "Blur" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% I bought a microphone the other day, a Shure SM-57. I needed one badly, because my four-track was just sitting around, useless, collecting dust sitting on my stereo speaker. So, the day after buying it, I recorded a song. It's one I've been working on, refining, fine tuning since late August, just before I left for sko0l. It was really neat. I went to the top of the stairwell, on the 18th floor of my dorm, plugged in the four-track, and sang. There was such beautiful reverb in there, and it sounded really good on tape. I kind of made me a bit happy, despite being in a really bad mood. (see the unfortunate evolution #3) %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% standing on the shoulders of giants leaves me cold. - R.E.M., "King of Birds" smell you on my hand for days I can't wash away the scent. - Weezer, "Butterfly" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Well, it's December 15 as I write this. Classes are over, and all I have left of this dismal semester is my Calculus final on Friday. I'm hoping I pass. It would be nice to actually improve my GPA and get rid of the potential for being put on academic suspension, which is really not a good thing to be on since it means I'm not allowed to take classes. I'm changing my major again. When I first came here last september, I was a Sound Recording Technology major (actually Music Performance with a concentration in SRT, to be technical), and then switched to Computer Suckage, I mean Science, my second semester. I noticed a trend. I took CS classes for two semesters, last spring and the current semester. Both semesters, I was depressed and did extremely poorly academically. So, I have decided to change to an English major, possibly with a minor in Music. I think a major reason why I have been depressed and not motivated academically was because music was no longer a distinct part of my life and education. For three years at Nauset Regional High Sko0l, I was in Band and Orchestra. My senior year, I was also in Jazz Band and took 4 music classes out of 7 total that year. I came to college, took two music classes, along with Pre-Calculus, College Writing, and a Chemistry course. Then, I took no music-related classes at all in the spring. I think I've made a wise decision. I already feel good about it. And hopefully I'll actually pull myself out of this hole I've been digging myself into for the past year or so. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% so bring no guilt with you up above the flatline let's just hit the sky, exploding into one - Hum, "Suicide Machine" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% [carriage drive, 27] my puppy dog eyes slowly scanning yr eyes, nose yr soft cheeks the sweet fruit of yr hair tickles my virgin nose i'm in heaven i've got you in my arms never want to let go never let go never i want to hold you - just like this feel you, a warm body in this cold existance the first with whom i have shared my self my hands, my arms, my soul yr love fused with mine in holy union this holy, embryonic embrace forever my fears die my thoughts subside and all that remains is you. [12.5.96] %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Oh well, another issue goes by. 35 subscribers. Yay me. Anyway, on the +evolution+ news front, the semester is nearing a close, which means I'll be heading home for a month. Due to only having one phone line at my house (a problem I need to remedy), I'll have decreased net access, and therefore, evo will not be as frequent. I still plan on releasing some issues when I can, but probably not on the frantic pace I've been keeping up so far. Again, apologies due for the release of evo #3. I shouldn't have. General apologies to everyone, and a specific one to those directly affected by it. Catch you later... %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% + evolution + zaphod@sidehack.gweep.net P.O. Box 1631 Orleans, MA 02653 (c) 1996 60Hz Productions, a division of Angst Communications. Angst Communications is a registered trademark, used under license from Mono Boy Records.