going ape shit press #5 by edicius

greetings fellow earthlings.. this is edicius.. and i feel like doing
something koookie.. something wild.. i don't know what.. but hmm.. how
about, how about i do a few top nine lists.. lettermen stole that whole
top ten idea thingie from me.. i swear.. hmmm..

`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`e'r`e'e`t'`d'i`v'd`e'r`'l`i'n`e'`'`'`'`'`'

top nine ways to impress a girl

o1 - walk into her bedroom naked
o2 - walk into her bedroom naked, covered with whip cream, and carring a
     butcher knife
o3 - cut off your genetalia to show how much you love her
o4 - capture neighborhood dogs and cats, and use their limbs to spell
     out the words "I LOVE <her name>"
o5 - fill up her answering machine with one word messages, ranging from
     "bitch", to "slut", to "whore", to "nig"
o6 - flick jello at her during lunch
o7 - ask a friend thats a cop to get a search warrant, and then go over
     her house and strip search her. "sorry ma'am, this looks like a full
     cavity search"
o8 - ask her to tell you her bra size, and then laugh at her and say
     "they're THAT small?@#!?"
o9 - take a posterboard, and write 99 ways that your lives have
     intersected, and point out all of the simularites, and then tell her
     that you and her have been set on a course to meet and have wild
     baboonal sex by newtonian law

'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`''`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`

top nine ways to tell someone is two ereet for you

o1 - they live in the 9O8 areacode
o2 - they live in the 9O8 areacode, run shitty bbs's, and rip off nine
     inch nail lyrics and pass them off as lits
o3 - they run shitty bbs's and have shitty affils
o4 - THeY CaPiToLiZe THe CoNSTaNaNTS aND uSe LoWeRCaSe VoWeLS
o5 - they rip their handles from people in major art groups like relic
o6 - they rip their handles from people in major art groups like flood
o7 - they start up art/hpa or elite groups for the affil, and then take
     it too seriously when it dies after two weeks
o8 - tHEY'RE nOT jUST k_rAD aND iNTO wAREZ, tHEY'RE pK-wARE-rAD
o9 - they live in the 9O8 areacode, run shitty bbs's, rip off nine inch
     nails songs, pass them off as lits, and are named flood

'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'

nine people, or types of people, you shouldn't let onto your bbs

o1 - the ones who try to logon using their real names
o2 - the ones who repeatitly email you on other boards asking for the
     new user password
o3 - the ones who connect at odd speeds like 16.78 or 27.9
o4 - the ones who connect at odd speeds like 3OO or 12OO
o5 - the ones, when asked where they got the number, answer `cyberchat'
o6 - flood
o7 - the master
o8 - anyone not like me, because i'm just so fucking awesome
o9 - the flood (the master + flood)

'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`''`'`'`

nine times you know #ansi is lame

o1 - when..

wait.. its always lame..

'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`

there enjoy this textfile.. gasp will rule the textfile scene, or what
is left of it, in nintey three... er.. five..
mad phat motherfucking props go out to no one, cause i'm just so rad,
everyone else sucks.. :)

edicius - gasp - 2/12/95 (abe lincoln's birthday!)