going ape shit press number nine by edicius [seeeyeaye]

woo!  edi's back!  yes!  well, here we go, enjoy, enjoy enjoy...

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suicide is just plain fucking cool.  if you don't like life, SHOOT
YOURSELF! yes! yes! everybody's doing it! from kurdt nobrain, to the
chick from hole, to hundreds of people A DAY! yes! its easy, its fast,
and its cost effective.  just think, no bills, no credit cards, no
financial troubles for the rest of your life.  the only drawback, you
must spend eternity with satan.  but for many of us, its alright.

top six ways to kill yourself - personal favorites of mine

1 - walk into school with a gun, but don't shoot anyone, just walk
    around, polish it, and have an evil, sinister look on your face,
    point it at people, and say, `charlie, charlie, i know you're
    standing there charlie.'  then go to your locker, or hell, anyones
    locker (remeber, you are in control when you have the gun), open it
    up (either using the combonation, or one swift blow to the lock
    face, will take it right off).  then stick your head in, and shoot
    yourself.  pity on the poor frosh who has the locker next year, eh
    buddy?  in your suicide note, make sure you mention that the
    meatloaf they serve at lunch talked to you, and commanded you to do
    these evil acts.

2 - go to your nearest international airport, anyone will do.  newark,
    jfk,  chicago-ohare, anyone.  go when its snowing, and theres a few
    inches of snow on the ground.  take off your clothes, grease
    yourself up with spam, and then run wild up and down the runways.
    the first jet that comes in for a landing, or takes off, run, and
    jump on the wheel (yes, i know you'd have to run a good 200 miles
    per hour, but so what, load up on twinkies and stuff in the
    cafeteria).  jump off the wheel in midair, and splat, you're dead.
    in your note make sure you mention that since northwestern airlines
    raised their prices 20 per cent, you were forced to do this in
    protest of the fair hike.

3 - same as above, except instead of spam, use ding dongs, instead of
    going naked, wear a buisniess suit, and instead of going to an
    airport, go to a cd store.  and instead of running around, lift cds.
    and the whole part about the jet and jumping on the wheel, forget
    about it.  just go in the back and slit your wrists, and while
    you're getting treated on, your friends can walk out with a good 60
    to 100 dollars worth of cd's and tapes.

4 - kidnap anyone from the show house of buggin' on fox, take them into
    exitless room, with a shotgun, and ask them to make jokes.  the rest
    is obvious.

5 - kidnap the producers who canceled the george carlin show from fox,
    shoot them.  you don't really have to shoot yourself, just shoot the
    asses who canceled the show :)

6 - if you're white, go to la, rent a bmw, with a cd player.  in the cd
    player put a copy of tom jones' greatest hits.  blast it really
    really loud.  put on a nice suit, with a silk tie.  and then go into
    south centeral really really late at night, and then go, `hey nigz,
    anyone know how to get to east la?'.  the rest is obvious.
    if you're black, get a dodge, early 70's model.  put on some nwa or
    snoop doggy dogg, and go to kanasas.  and take an example from the
    model in the previous equation.

there.  there are six surefire ways to kill yourself.  they'll work,
trust me.  :) enjoy.


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  ha! ha ha ha!  HA!  sortof...  hey, i'd like to take this time to tell
you that gasp doesn't want any more texts on how to annoy someone on a chat
board...  they're kinda lame... thanks...

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