going ape shit press #45 by pip the angry youth

  i feel so bitchy...

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                                worn out

  i'm sitting here in my friend's house, wondering what i'm going to do
  with my pitiful existance on this earth.  i'm leaving for california
  for a sysadmin job out there, pretty much a glorified web page
  maintennance man is what i'm going to become.  but that's ok, i think
  i can handle getting paid for it, and having it usable for a resum‚ in
  some big company sometime in the future.  my hobby has become a
  vocation...

  that is exactly what i wanted to talk about in this issue of the
  glorious annals of gasp.  (well, at least a part of this issue is
  going to be dedicated to that...)

  i think that the no-lifers have a _huge_ advantage over the people who
  don't know how to turn on a computer.  we actually know what we're
  doing when someone plunks us behind a keyboard and says 'get cracking
  soldier!', we know what makes the computer's gears spin.  we have the
  power.

  now i shall tell you about the experiment that i have run through its
  course, and give you the results.

  we sent out 100 postcards with one single question:

  you:

  [ ] have a life.

  [ ] don't have a life.

  and left a little place where people could put their address so we
  could get in contact with them for future reference.

  sadly to say, not one card was returned.  so what we did was go out
  into a dark alley and wait for 2 seperate types of people to walk down
  the street, then we proceded to club them until they lost
  consiousness.

  we wound up with one elmer w. jones and one butch f. henley.  mr.
  henley was somewhat angered by what we had done to him, but when we
  illustrated that we had his wife and 14 year old daughter held captive
  in a room with two, count 'em _two_ sexually deprived convicts who are
  currently doing lifetime sentences for manslaughter.

  he decided to become agreeable and participate with us.  you're a good
  man butch.  i, for one, am quite proud of you.

  we sat them both down in front of a pair of ibm compatible computers
  (hey, we want reliability, we couldn't use the _real_ thing.) and told
  them that we wanted the following things done:

  1. tell us what mode the monitor was in currently
  2. load up windows and change the wallpaper
  3. defrag the hard drive
  4. load up the dos-editor, type whatever they like, then save it as
     silly.txt
  5. format the a: drive
  6. unformat the a: drive
  7. quick format the a: drive
  8. do a cold boot
  9. do a warm boot
  10. find out, to the byte, how large is their hard drive

  here were the results:

  elmer
  1. he correctly said that it was in 80x25 mode
  2. he changed it to a nude bmp
  3. defrag /f /sn c: (duh)
  4. he wrote a future issue of gasp
  5. did it without a hitch
  6. used unformat like a professional
  7. format /q a:
  8. shut it off, turned it on
  9. ctrl-alt-del
  10. chkdsk

  now butch was a little sillier than elmer could ever be, he obviously
  had a life... the bastard.

  1. he said color, correct as in what type of monitor, to an extent,
     but not what we were looking for.  that's one demerit.
  2. he tried to look outside, through the windows... then asked us
     where we kept the wallpaper.  i smacked him.  even a moron can
     utilize windows, but obviously butch is a little further down the
     road of idiocy.
  3. on this one he just looked at me and drooled.  that's three
     demerits, two more and we have to do something about this.
  4. after about twenty commands, he figured out to type 'edit', entered
     something about paying us to let him go and spare his family, or
     some other drivel.  that's four.
  5. butch!  the first dos command i learned in 4th grade was format you
     bloody idiot...  this was totally inexcusable, and also nulled the
     next 2 tasks for him.  that's seven.
  6. duh
  7. duh again
  8. he knew what booting a computer was, fortunately for his wife and
     daughter (damn, she looked fine), so he shut off the computer and
     booted it up again.
  9. boot he knew, but not the two different types of boots.  (his
     daughter was looking better and better).
  10. he asked for a screwdriver to open up the computer, so we humored
      him slightly.  he attacked and killed two of my best friends and
      wounded a third.  i was forced to unload twelve rounds into his
      chest, which is now defunct.

  the end results were simple, everyone left living was going to get
  laid by two very very pretty females, and that elmer had natural
  selectoin on his side, survival of the fittest as you may say.  he
  also lost his virginity with butch's 14 year old daughter and is now
  living with her like a king and queen in guam.  best of luck to you
  old buddy.

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  did i mention that i'm quite pissed?  hoe is dying on me, pez is going
  down, gba is leaving us... and gasp is probably going to die soon
  seeings how i'm probably not going to have time to run it.  this is
  not good.