.sd$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$bs. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$' `$ `$ `$) ($ `$ `$$ $$ $$$ss$ $$$$$$ $$$ $$$$$ $$$ $ $$$$$$$ $$ $. $ $$$$ $$' $ $ $$'.$ $$$$$ $$ $$$$ $ $$$$$$ s. $$ $ sss$$ $$$$$$$ $$. .$ $ $$ `$ $ $$$$$ $$ $$$&@%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ `$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$' _________ _____ issue #15 --------------------------- 04/97 ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ "Why I Hate Jesus' Smelly Guts: A Story Of Hope" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Happy Chanukah, kids. From my dear friend, S.K. Young springs this fount of lighthearted christian joy. If there are misspelling, they are my own typing errors and I apologize profusely. As you read this, you may be angered. If so, please remember that not only do you have the right to read this, but you also have the right to delete it. Hope you enjoy the issue. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "WHY I HATE JESUS' SMELLY GUTS: A STORY OF HOPE" -S.K. Young I hope that you do not think me irreverent or overly cynical as you read the irreverent and overly cynical words I have written here. It is not my desire to insult christians, but to lead them gently toward the happy realization that their most cherished beliefs are pustules of fetid smegma, suppurating through centuries of purulent exaggeration to form a crust of quintessential putrecine around the rectal opening of a bastard myth. Excretia from this hole is thus flavored with saccharine piety to feed only the simplest of minds. The multitudes of slimy cretins who kowtow to their syphiloid savior only serves to convince me that nature has found a way to clone turds. Yes, I know hwat you are thinking: I am too timid in my assessment of the millions of moronic, sphincter-loving necrophiles who wallow in their false messiah's putrefacted corpse. And you are right. I am too easy on these spiritual guttersnipes, because I am too loving. However, you must remember that I am beyond the simple luxury of loving my enemies: I want to kill them with kindness-- slowly, painfully. I want to caress them with hellfire. I want to hug Pat Robertson until his liver squirts out of his navel. I guess that's what I want. Either that or a pet monkey (Ross Perot). When I was small, my parents read me passages of the bible before tucking me into bed with a paying customer. I remember fondly the time when my mother recited the words, "And unto the shalt for which before the hypocritical MacGoo defiles athwart Thee, akimbo, Oh Lord, for shouldst Thou not excede to lie lewd with a big man as I do?" Of course, she was drunk. But I didn't care. In fact, I still don't care. In fact, she still drunk and I don't care. No, Dear Friends, I do not seek the destruction of Traditional Family Values. Rather, I long to spread their smithereens across this great land of ours, individual chunks of values falling like fundamentalist gruntcakes onto the empty, pointed head of christian goofusses. Chrustianity in the Past With this in mind, let us proceed to a friendly critique of the christian tradition. Christianity begins, I suppose, with the apostle Paul's visionary attack of halitosis, in which he and his followers reach out to their god by stinking to high heaven. The New Testicle records this event in two different versions: both of them patently false. I quote from the Ass of the Apostles: "And it came to pass, and after it passed it came that Saul came to Damascus, but passed it, and had to back up quickly. And so, to make a long story short, Saul went blind and it had nothing to do with the corn whiskey he drank, because he later told everbody it was Jesus that made him blind but he could not explain what made him pee so much. And much later did he say that yes, Jesus told him something, and no, Jesus wasn't laughing this time. And many did believe Saul in this and also when Saul told them that their wallets had been caught up into heaven." What are we to make of this passage? Are we to say, as the great christian apologist and charlatan, St. Thomas Aquinas, said, "Oh, what's the use? I give up. My faith was a crock. I guess I should have read the bible, first, before I wrote all those commentaries on it. Watson, come here. I want you." I think not. for if we consider the original Greek version of the story, we find that Popeye the Sailor was mentioned only briefly, unlike the Vulgate Latin texts in which Jesus smokes a corncob pipe and turns water into spinach. Oh, sure, St. Aquinas' faith was still a crock, but it wasn't the _same_ crock. No, from a careful reading of this scripture in the original Greek, we may conclude that Saul (Paul) was a mangy, gutless, contemptible swine whose only spiritual gift (if one can call it that) was for inciting other mangy, gutless, contemptible swine to lynch Jews. After Paul's epiphany, he ran all over the place, spreading herpes and the Gospel wherever he could. Christian churches and leper colonies sprung up everywhere as a result and Paul spent the remainder of his days excreting letters to his acolytes whilst bouncing from drunk tank to drunk tank. In his letter to the Coelacanths, he revealed to them his vision of Jesus' return, and warned them to wait patiently and stop looking for their wallets. In a particularly telling passage he says, "So I said to the bartender, 'Thy mother wearest army boots,' and he did call the Roman soldiers. And I was struck over the head and Jesus did appear again and he told me he has your money and your letters of credit and he will give them back to you as soon as he is finished showing them to the Holy Spirit. He told me that there shall be many signs of his return. For, in that day, there shall be a honking of geese and yeast shall be added to dough to make it rise; and, there shall appear in the skies the Sun and the Moon, but not usually at the same time; and many shall overeat and have to have their pants let out and ...Oh, well, you get the idea." The above verses have led christians to announce the end of the world forty-seven billion, nine hundred million, six hundred twenty thousand, and eighty-five times in the las two thousand years. Martin Luther was led to conclude, "All the prophecies have been fulfilled, except for that goose thing." Reading this, the pope snuck up behind Luther and made a honking noise, startling Luther, who jumped out a window. Fortunately for everyone, Luther fell like a rock and was killed. According to Church legend, the apostle Paul was martyred in Rome, once by the emperor, and twice by a guy named Chuck. The next saint (buffoon) in the christian pantheon was Peter (gastic lavage). He is reputed to have been the first pope. In those days, the pope did not wear the ornate robes that he does today. No, St. Peter, being a simple man, preferred a simple bib and jock strap. His motto was, "Love Thine Enemy." And love the he did. He would call out to his cardinals, "Bring me another enemy, that I may love him!" He would love one enemy in the morning, another one in the afternoon, and often two at bedtime. After loving his enemies very thoroughly, Peter would have their heads chopped off. And this has been the standard of conduct among popes to this very day: A misogynistic, latent homosexual is elected from among a college of child molesters who sublimate their natural desires for anal sex by feigning abstinance while they lap at the loins of temporal power. Martin Luther, whom we have mentioned before, did not like this arrangement, because the catholics got all the choirboys. In protest, he nailed up a pair of his undershorts on a door somewhere. The protestants, recognizing Luther as a pervert of the highest magnitude, made him their king. Luther spent the rest of his life laying bug eggs which he called "books" and killing Jews. He also wrote the hymn, 'A Mighty HorseAss Is Our God.' He was angry at the time; for, even though he had prayed fervently, he failed to pursuade his god to give him a flying catfish. Of course, you may have noticed that I have skipped over a great deal of church history. Do not worry. I can do that: I am a professional. Christian history is perpetual reiteration of the same godawful behavior. First, the christians invade a country, liberate the native inhabitants from their pagan beliefs, their property, and their sense of self-respect. Then, after a few years, and great cry goes up among the christian invaders, "Oh, these heathen are delicious! Let us kill and eat the last of them, lest they oppress us." Having no one left to crush under their jackboots, the christians turn upon one another. Accusations of heresy abound. A power struggle ensues among various splinter (sphinctor) groups, until the most savage and least intelligent faction gains ascendecy over the others, who flee in order to find "religious freedom." Religious freedom, in this case, means the right to oppress somebody else. Christians cannot stand being told that they are wrong, especially by other christians. It undermines a christian's feeling of moral superiority to be spurned by someone whose beliefs are too near his own, because he hears that his detractor may be right. This is why you will observe that the most virulent arguments are among christian sects which are most alike. Christians end up killing each other over tiny variations in doctrine. The result is that the losers in these fights cling even more dogmatically to their version of the gospel, and by the time losers eventually are forced to flee, they have become as nasty and intolerant as the group that expelled them. The puritans are a prime example of this. Every school child is taught that the puritans came to America in order to escape religious persecution. What the child is never told is that their persecutors where, themselves, christians. The puritans wanted some place where _they_ could do the persecuting, and America seemed the perfect place for it. The diary of Goody Hatchkrak, one of the first puritan settlers, illustrates my point: "May the Good Lord sive me strength to kill, Kill, KILL more Indians. For it is written in the Good Book that 'The People of the Lord shall go out upon the Land. And They shall wear Happy Hats and smite the ungodly, by which I mean anybody that has an accest, and They shall suffer no more from unsightly sweat stains. What? Who says I'm too fat? Well, _he_ should talk. Did you see how he stuffed himself at the last supper? He's one of those guys who can just eat and eat and eat, like some sort of hog, and still look skinny.' What words of wisdom are these. I have debased my whole like on these. And I know, in my heart, that whoever is not and Indian, is a witch. I have secret documents here, which I will never show anyone, secret documents which prove that two-thirds of our militia are card- carrying witches. Now where did I put those figs?" Do we learn anything from this? Yes, we learn that we don't want to live next to puritans unless we are fully insured and own a bullet-proof vest. Or, at least, fire-retardent clothing. "What happened to the puritans?" you may ask. Well, of course they found religious freedom -- just enough to turn them into the lemmings they aspired to become. And now we come to christians in the Twentieth Century. Or course, when speak of modern christians, I am speaking of people whose bodies occupied space on the planet since 1900. The minds of christians (christ-stains), as we all know, are entrenched somewhere in the Pleistocene era, a time when men were practically indistinguishable from apes. Of course, christians will hoot and throw bananas when reminded of their close resemblence to our simian ancestors, but they can be calmed down with a generous offering of Monkey Chow and tranquilizer darts. What have our brothers and sisters in christ accomplished in our Century? To be sure, nothing; yet, they have managed to oppose and delay every advance in medicine, psychotherapy, human rights, and plain common sense that an heretical few have struggled to give us. Strangely enough, these silly, primative bastards, these godawful goons, these protester against the common good (more especially, the rights of minorities) have adapted modern tools to their march against progress. Starting with William Ashley "Billy" Sunday, who used radio to spread his form of christian enthusiasm, with its lionization of white, male supremacy, across America, fundamentalist (fundament, meaning "buttocks") christians have used whatever newly invented media allowed them to speak to the masses, while at the same time, decrying the evil inherent in such media (i.e. others can use the same media to present opposing viewpoints). With the advent of radio, many small-time preachers harangued, and still do harangue, their hick listeners, exhorting them to contribute money and dumb violence to the cause of human oppression. However, it was television that gave jesus-loving baboons their greatist weapon of hate against their neighbors. For what the ignorant rabble can not understand intellectually, they can intuit through images. Show them a moving picture of a gay man in drag and they will produce the noxious stink of fear that words, alone, may not stimulate. And with fear comes hatred. Some person, who must not have been a christian, said, "Perfect love casteth out all fear." In the heart of the christian there is no love and all fear. Fear of new ideas, fear of people who look or act differently, fear of neighbors, of "friends." Everyone is suspect. Everyone is a potential enemy. Every enemy is relegated to hellfire, but not the mythological Hell. Instead, the followers of christ (who is reputed to have said, "Love thine enemy."), count as enemies anyone who speaks up, anyone who champions the cause of human dignity for society's underdogs. These enemies are consigned to a special hell surrounded by sign-carrying fools who yap the infantile fantasies of their anal-retentive, troglodyte PissWillys. And if the Enemy does not submit to screaming coercion, an extremist looney will be found to shoot him. The leaders of the evil christian coalition will, like the Mafia, deny and complicity in the murder, although they may attempt to justify the motives of the murderer. "Oh, of course, we use violent, incendiary talk to arouse our followers, but we do not approve of the murder our violent talk has caused. And, by the way, why doesnt't somebody blow the guts out of an abortion doctors? Not just any assassin, but some faithful soul who loves to see blood spray out of the white lab coat of an educated smart-guy; some saint who knows that jesus, himself, will give him holy nuggies." And now we know everything we need to know about the philosophical ass of christ: it excretes christians. Let us hope that the toilet paper of history will wipe this ass clean. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- FEEL free to ask me questions about the issue OR otherwise. I'VE GOT AN EMAIL ADDRESS NOW. WRITE me at: rapeman@bbs.utopia2.com SEND me your text. if i like them they WILL be published. contact me at the distro sites: file area in back online -----> vip------------------(214)494-1024 our newest distro site -------> high weirdness-------(214)288-6755 our new web page (perpetually under construction)----, ____________________________________________) ( `---> http://rampages.onramp.net/~rick/geripe/index.html (many thanks TO id for his GEREROSITY) IF you would like FOR your bbs to BE a distro site please contact me. ALSO, if you would like to ADVERTISE in geripe, please email me. ads are absolutely free -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- grp_eot