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O O ascII by Swiss Pope Oh-god-that-hurts-my-eyes-turn-it-off grill logo by Quarex =-=-[FEBRUARY 9, 1996]-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- | | | CONTENTS OF ISSUE #3 OF GRILL (the 'zine for Heretics): | | | | <1> Foreward | | <2> Rant about Women | | <3> Similarities & Differences between Babies & Potato(e)s | | <4> The Grill Event(s) | | <5> Rich's Guide to Chicks | | <6> The return of the Quarex file | | <7> MTV | | <8> Rant & Rave about Various things III: The Defloweration | | | =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -- The Foreward -- -- By: Quarex -- Howdy, partners. This here is Grill, already up to its amazing third issue. I never thought it'd get past #1 :). First things first, I'll give credit where credit is (sort of) due. Yes, it was indeed ThrillKil's idea to start a 'zine that fateful November morning, and he even decided what we were going to call it (I think). But, don't think you have any power, because I need to excel over you in at least one field ;>. Okay. Now that that's out of the way. . This issue's theme is. . well. . nothing, really. Before I had even begun work on this issue, I already had three extremely different articles pour in, so I decided to go with an anti-theme theme. Sure, it's been done, but who cares? Not here it hasn't, young man. So you just go right the fuck back to bed. Oddly enough, people have actually enjoyed the first two issues of this mass of data. I can see how you might have appreciated the blistering, over-the-top lack of logic in my woman bash in the first issue, or perhaps the sheer coincidences from issue #2. Actually, I can see how you might have appreciated any of the articles, but that doesn't mean I can't question why you do :) That was a silly paragraph. Let's get things started off right in this paragraph. LAST ONE IN IS A SPINAL TAP NEWSLETTER! Okay, one final thing. I know it's somewhat of a staple for 'zines to be written in lower case, and use poor punctuation and the like (Atlas/Juke/Juhk? Are you listening?). . . but it is ABSOLUTELY HARDER THAN FUCK to look at without hurting your eyes, so I'm going to make it a point to never again let anyone who types in all lower case submit anything to this 'zine. and thats the end. of the story. did you understand. i hope so. I decided to surprise the heck out of everyone and just release it out of the blue, because this issue had such a different feel than the others, and I felt I should save most of the stuff for the next issue, whose topic is tenatively going to be "Hamlet's Demeanor". Or not. * ( F I N ) * *** Writer: Eight-Ball *** RANT ABOUT WOMEN I would Now like to rant about something that bothers many of us, I imagine: The "You're too good a friend to date" syndrome that all chick seem to have. Just because I understand what motivates chicks, doesn't mean that I have the power to do anything about it, and this, in particular, is a common source of rage for me and numerous other `nice guys.' We've all heard, "I can't go out with you. You're too good a friend." and smiled numbly back saying, "That's cool, I understand." and then trying to make pleasant conversation while a rage of one sort or another wells up within us. Here's why they do it: Chicks enjoy positive male attention, as should be obvious. If you've befriended a chick, she enjoys positive male attention from you. A chick would rather keep this low level positive attention than turn it into the high level attention that comes with a romantic involvement. They've already got your male attention, they would rather bring in new attention than nurture old attention. Also, the three basic desires come into play here. She thinks she should want someone who's "Funny, fun to be around, smart, open minded" however the guy she would like to date is always the guy who can bench press a bus or run a mile in just under 2 seconds. At any rate a chick feel that it is a bad idea to date someone who is her friend, because "that friendship is special to her and she wouldn't want to do anything to lose it." Any rational person knows that your spouse had better be a good friend also or else things are not going to work very well. A rational person would date all of their friends BEFORE looking in other places, and a rational person would be able to end any of these romances in a non-volatile manner. But as we already know, few chicks are rational, they're emotional. (BTW that is not a value judgment, just a general fact) So, in general, if you make a friend out of a girl, then you probably won't end up dating her. (there are times but they are rather rare.) Unless of course SHE started the friendship as a tool to date you in the future. (Chicks have a double standard that way. They are allowed to befriend someone in order to date them but not visa-versa) Someone reading this might say "that doesn't explain why female X would rather date an asshole than me." True, however I can explain that too. One reason might be that you are, yourself, a big asshole. However that is not my duty to address. I will tell you about the more common reason: attitude. Chicks are attracted to self confidence like Dean Martin was to a martini. The more confident you are around chicks, the more likely she will see you as a prospective mate. Many nice guys have a chick-confidence problem and suffer because of it. The hell of it is that assholes have a very similar Demeanor to someone of high self confidence. They are expressed differently but they have a similar effect. Mostly because Dickheads aren't dickheads to chicks they have just met, therefore all the chick sees is an attitude similar to that of self confidence. A chick who has it together will be able to tell the difference and avoid the assholes, however very few chicks `have it together.' Many of them suffer self confidence problems as well. So when they start dating the dickhead, they either don't realize that he's a dickhead or their low self confidence prevents them from seeking greener pastures. By the way this is another reason a chick would rather keep you as a friend. You boost her self confidence and ego. Women love men that will do things for them. Whether they're conscious of it or not this is a big reason why chicks like to hoard male friends. At any rate that's why chicks date assholes: They have very strong personalities. Not good personalities, but strong ones. A strong personality will get you a long way, even if you're an asshole. & F I n ^ *** Writer: Quarex *** This article was originally written for an e-mag that came out a long time ago, and had very little distribution, so I figured I'd re-print it here, just in case you missed it the first time. . . THE SIMILARITIES AND DIFFERENCES BETWEEN BABIES AND POTATOS*!! * Please note that no-one actually knows _how_ to spell potatoes. Now we all know that Babies and Potatos have been subject to studies for countless generations to find out just WHY they are so similar. Well, I decided to do a little research myself, and I have determined the following: - - * ** Babies and potatos are similar in the fact that they both: ** * - - 1> Are fun to play with 2> Are easy to pick 3> Taste really good with carrots 4> Know the secret of interstellar travel 5> Can be refrigerated indefinitely 6> Produce a rather clear sound when dropped on a timpani 7> Can be drop-kicked to great success 8> Make great mufflers 9> Go well on a shish-ka-bob 10> Can be covered with wet terrycloth for a slightly amusing effect 11> Assume the shape of their container 12> Can be taken as a carry-on when traveling by air 13> Make great paperweights 14> Function somewhat well as hammers 15> Are easily marked on by any felt-tipped pen 16> Are like a box of chocolates. . the more you have, the less you want. 17> Lack the zest to be a moronic screen name in another internet movie 18> Are more popular than the president 19> Have appeared in Pace (tm) Picante Sauce advertisements 20> Could be a new computer name from IBM - - * ** And, of course, they are different because ** * - - 1> Can be elected president 2> Smells good 3> Can write good code 4> Makes a good slave 5> Knows how to navigate the 'information superhighway'.. hahahahahah 6> Goes well with chicken 7> Is a holiday tradition. . well, babies maybe 8> Will try to kill you 9> Is of Norwegian descent 10> Will make you more popular with girls 11> Makes a good vacuum attachment 12> Can be taken swimming 13> Would make a good high school mascot 14> Knows the basic Protracker commands 15> Acts like Newt Gingrich 16> Can actually figure out how to point'n'click 17> Knows the average rainfall of the Amazon Basin 18> Looks good in a sombrero 19> Bounces well 20> Has ever won an Oscar I hope that, after reading this list, you understand a bit more about the mystique surrounding babies and potatoes. ` f i n ' *** Writer: Quarex *** THE GRILL EVENT or: PULL ME UNDER This month's event is different in the fact that it's not an event, but rather a series of events, and we're all rather curious as to whether or not anyone else ever does this sort of thing. It all started when ThrillKil began to urge people to dislike our acquaintance Brett. He used my board as his medium. I think I may have actually mentioned it first, but in any case, he made it obvious (for those of you who didn't know, Brett was ThrillKil's best friend for five+ years, and then for whatever reason decided to have a brief affair with ThrillKil's girlfriend. That has a way of making people's opinions of a person lessen). So, here's Ghort one day, just reading along to the posts on my board, when he decides to respond to one of the Brett posts. He means to say that Brett did a terrible thing, but that's no reason to force others to punish him. However, what he ended up implying was that there was no reason to dislike anyone for that. This made ThrillKil just a bit angry, and a legendary flame war began after that. However, it's not the kind of flame war you might expect. Most flame wars might be a few sentences of harsh words and little else. Our flames are (up to) eight page long essays, showcasing the opposing individual's faults (with the occasional poem thrown in for good measure). This discussion eventually led to everyone we know who BBSs joining in the fray, with upwards of 20 posts a day with an average of about seven or eight paragraphs each. After all was said and done, everyone was better friends than when we had started, for we truly knew each other a lot better. Now, my question is, are we the only people who have ever done this? I have never in my life seen this kind of thing happen on a BBS. I've seen friends get mad at each other once in a while, but never psychoanalyze everything that was going on. Well, in any case, I'll stop talking about this now, and throw in a funny event :) THE OTHER GRILL EVENT or: LOVE & DEATH While Neo Jesus and I were sitting in a local buffet on our weekly dining experience (which has its own sub on my board), we noticed quite a few very funny things which warranted explaining about this visit here. First of all, has anyone else stopped to think about the behavior of babies in general? Whilst we sat and ate, we became aware of the fact that the baby behind us was continually screaming in an almost gutteral voice, and yet no-one paid any heed to it whatsoever. Yes, we all know that this is due to the fact that babies screaming is an accepted part of society. But, have you ever thought about just HOW odd Babies sound? We did, and it's pretty fucking odd indeed. As we ate, we began to realize that absolutely EVERYTHING in life can be funny if you think about it hard enough. Honestly, we couldn't understand how anyone could tolerate being a mundane (our word for the 96.7% of society who can't possibly relate to us on more than a surface level). Being a mundane, and just living life as society dictates, would drive me to insanity without doubt. If you doubt that we're any different than any other group of seniors in high school, consider the fact that a typical conversation at Denny's can encompass the topics of: status in different cliques, analyzation of a small object (left with the tip)'s affect on a waitress, european culture, and Swiss Pope saying, "I don't plan on drinking until I'm out of college and can't deal with my life anymore without turning to alcohol". I know, this Grill Event wasn't really an Event at all, but it just happened that none of us really went on any adventures last month (the fact that it was around -60 with wind chill every day helped a lot). I suppose I could tell you about ThrillKil and his most *recent* ex-girlfriend, but it's in rather bad taste to do something like that :). I could also tell you about when we went sledding. . but there's not much to say. We went out at about 8, played the usual sledding games (train, war, and "Quarex, wanna race? The prize will be my girlfriend." "OKAY!"), and then left. Next issue, really, I promise this'll be interesting. (_) F in (_) *** Writer: Eight-Ball *** Rich's Guide to Chicks (the abridged version) We all know that chicks (as I refer to them, not out of sexism or malice, but simply because no matter what you refer to females as, many of them will have a problem with the term. So I say "Chicks" because it rolls off the tongue... also, Fonzie said it.) are relatively unpredictable, unreliable, and generally inconceivable to the male mind. However, I've been breathing for 25 god forsaken years. Many of these have been spent solving various puzzles and riddles. Also many of which have been spent enduring the tortures that only chicks can deliver. Luckily, (and quite accidentally, I assure you) this combination has allowed me to realize the driving force behind chicks. This is not ONE specific item which all chicks seek (unless you count material wealth, but we all knew that and therefore me telling you wouldn't help at all), it it in fact a concept around which all chick actions are based. As it turns out most chicks are incredibly simple creatures. Only the elite intentionally destroy the hearts of men and topple nations. many chicks are blissfully unaware of the evils they do. Chicks' driving motives can eventually be broken down into stemming from the rule which I am about to divulge. This is known as Rich's Universal Law of Chicks. It used to be a theory, but just as gravity and magnetism have never been disproven, neither shall this and thus it has evolved into a scientific law. The main law is the basic which all can be traced back to, there are dozens of sub-laws which I shall not account here... perhaps in future issues. Here it is: Rich's Universal Law of Chicks 1)All chicks have three basic desires: What they want What they think they want What they think they SHOULD want 1a)No woman knows what she wants. Every woman knows what she thinks she wants. Some women know what they think they SHOULD want. 2)Rarely do any of these disires intersect, and therein lies the problem. Many women chase what they think they want or what they thiunk they SHOULD want, and when they get it, they are not happy because it is not what they ACTUALLY want. 3)(varying degrees of psychosis) Most chicks have none of these desires the same. What they want is different from what they think they want and is still different yet from what they think they should want. Compounding this is the fact that it is metaphisically impossible for a chick to actually KNOW what she wants. Throw in the hormonal soup which constantly changes each of the three desires, and you've got an incredibly mixed up (psychotic) person. Less than a third of chicks have two of these disires intersect. If they are EXTREMELY lucky, it is what they want and what they think they want. However, no matter which two desires intersect, these chicks are relatively more stable. NOT completely sane but at least somewhat stable. Almost NO chicks have all of their desires the same. (1 out of 100,000,000 if all the planets are aligned) These rare few May not be friendly (their desires may not include you) but they are self actualized and incredibly stable. Having one of these few as a friend or mate (don't get your hopes up) is truly a boon unequalled. They are rational most of the time, and usually calm and reasonable. I have not personally met one of these godsends, but I know that they exist, as I know that 0 degrees Kelvin must exist. My extrapolations show that these chicks are nearly unnattainable as many will be able to home in on the males who have the most going for them (both emotionally and physically) and put together a nice life for themselves. NOTE: This law applies to all aspects of a chicks life. The aspect we see Most often is the romantic aspect, however, this conflict rages even when the chick is trying to decide what to order at a restaurant or what shirt to wear to the movies. It is these smaller ordeals where it is easier to test the law and see it in action. So next time you are having any sort of problem with chicks, Try to figure out what her three desires are and if your issue fits into any of them. This may not help you resolve the issue, but it may help you understand what the Hell is going on. Any questions? email me... I'm Eight-Ball (Rich). ~@ f in @~ *** Writer: Quarex *** THE RETURN OF THE QUAREX FILE or THE RETURN OF THE QUA. . oops Ah yes, the memories. It's been a good. . month or so since I last wrote anything called "The Quarex File". I can't really even remember what the heck I put in it. In fact, I'm going to load up that file right now. Please wait. Oh yeah, that's right. That was my cynical hatemonger spiel. Okay. This time, I'm not going to go to quite those lengths to establish my purpose. I still feel roughly the same way about women, relationships, and the whole sixteen yards (inflation even affects colloquialisms these days). However, I simply refuse to reiterate that long-winded misogynistic item ever again. So, instead, I'm going to write some children's poetry. But first, let me go off on a tirade against a subject I've been meaning to rant about for ages: People who knock over snowmen, smash pumpkins, and do other generic "stupid-delinquency-that-seems-harmless". Okay. Let's get things straight here. If you do this crap, I quite honestly do not like you. You cannot win me over if this is the first thing I find out about you. If I find that you have done this sort of thing, and still enjoy doing it, then I will most likely chew you out to no end. What sort of satisfaction can you possibly accumulate out of exerting your meaningless brute force to destroy a work of art? Tonight, I had the opportunity to actually confront the people who knocked over our snowmen, but unfortunately they lacked the courage to face me directly, waiting until I went to bed again to knock them over a second time. There is no feeling of pure frustration worse than standing in your front yard with a baseball bat for a half hour, waiting for two people who will most likely not return to return. That said and done, here's that children's poetry! Quietly now, let's all go to sleep To dream of candy and count your sheep It's way past your bedtime, please don't disagree The fact is, I own you, you sorry little fucker CLOWNS CLOWNS OH FUCK OH FUCK! OH MY FUCKING GOD AHHHHHHHHHHH OH FUCKK!!!!!!!!!*$&%($&W (With a tip of the hat to Crank, for her grandma-grandson almost mappelthorpesque article from DTO #6) ( F i N ) *** Writer: ThrillKil *** MTV Channel 21, we love you!!!! Here in Central Illinois, channel 21 is, to us, God's gift to cable TV. Yes, you know it, you love it, it's MTV!!! Man, not a day goes by where I don't sit down in front of my television with a big bowl of blue jello, a glass of milk, and a small peice of foil, and then massage the jello and milk all over my body with the foil while watching the latest Janet Jackson Video. Sheer heaven! But you know, being an Mtv Junkie, I make sure to get "in the know" about programs that just don't make the cut, that can't be great Mtv shows and game shows like my favorites: "Singled Out! and, now sadly gone, "Dead at 21." The following is a partial list of those that almost made the grade, but didn't cut it. Information was obtained by Mtv's awesome web site. Check it out! (http://www.PUREFUCKINGEVIL.com) SHOW: Fade To Mambo! HOST: Tito Fuentez REASON CUT: Due to an error in an Mtv poll, the executives were led to believe that the Mtv audiance was captivated by the lucid sounds of a good mambo. They called in Tito Fuentez, legendary mambo king to head up the hip mambo scene. Many mambo bands, who had never thought that they were that popular with the kids, spent quite a lot of money on expensive videos. Tito himself hosted for free, saying only that "getting that Mr. Burns back would be pay enough" (???). The whole show was set to air live from Ceasar's Palace, but 5 minutes to air time a young technician realized that it wasn't mambo that people wanted, it was a show made up entirely of the Green Day song "When I Come Around". The idea was scraped and a new show, fittingly titled the "When I Come Around" Show, was instantly produced and put in its place. SHOW: The Kurt Cobain Show HOST: Kurt Cobain REASON CUT: Executives were very excited and poured great amounts of money for show until young technician pointed out that small piles of dust could not talk. They toyed with the idea of a look alike, but it was suggested that people might still remember that he was dead. The idea was scrapped, but fortunately they had plenty of Real World's to fill up the time. SHOW: A Personal Look: Mtv's VeeJays HOST: Dom Delouis REASON CUT: With the charisma of Mtv's normal on air talent and the zany antics of Burt Reynold's buddy Dom Delouis, the executives at Mtv thought they could not miss. The primise was that every week, we would get to look into the VeeJay's personal life, and there would be a very emotional interview done by funnyman Dom. However, through Market studies, the executives learned that not only did the regular viewers not know who Dom Delouis was, but that all they really wanted from any of the VeeJays was to one day see "Kennedy's bare ass". They toyed with a show called "Kennedy's bare ass" but decided that the network was much too tasteful for that kind of thing. (sic) SHOW: Broken Glass HOST: Ken Olen REASON CUT: What better way to hurl former host of Remote Control Ken Olen back into the spot light by giving him another zany game show? Executives felt that they topped even the craziness of Singled Out with this one. The primise was that three contestants would strip down to bikini's and run up a large mound of broken glass while Ken Olen taunted them and asked them trivia on today's hottest bands. If they failed to answer correctly, he would use a large metal crane and pour more broken glass on them. Idea was scrapped because executives found out it would be illegal to film in the states, and Sri Lanka wanted nothing to do with Mtv. SHOW: Actual Videos HOST: Actual On Air Talent REASON CUT: Yeah, right, like anyone wants to see actual videos on Mtv. Well, there you go! Man, oh man, do I love Mtv... _)( FIN )(_ *** Writer: Quarex *** RANT & RAVE ABOUT VARIOUS THINGS, YET AGAIN I'll start this one off with the obvious: Why is it that every time anything gets to its third issue that the quality goes down drastically? I need to promote GRILL more. :) * * * Did it ever occur to anyone that referring to Handicapped students as "special education" individuals should make the other children feel less self-confident, as they're only receiving "mundane education"? * * * Wouldn't society be more fun if feather headdresses were worn instead of ties? Hell, as long as I'm on the subject of ties, who the FUCK came up with the idea that wearing a phallic piece of cloth around your neck makes you look more "distinguished"?!? * * * Did you ever wonder why the Pumpkin is used as a symbol of Thanksgiving? I suppose it might be because taking a Banana, carving scary faces into it, and then putting a candle inside isn't nearly as possible. But still, why a pumpkin? (This is the kind of question that I'm sure someone reading this issue will know the answer to, and e-mail me about). * * * I HATE RUNNY NOSES! Has the concept of a collossal vacuum that literally sucks all of the mucous out of your nose ever been thought of? I'm sure it would work, and think of all the people that would buy it! * * * The concept of defining love using fewer than five words was brought up recently, and I was trying to come up with some. Here are my best attempts: Don't fucking try Not worth it Little, Yellow, different Me kiss you now Needless to say, others had slightly different definitions. If anyone would care to retort, feel free. Also, if anyone can prove to me that love is ever worth the pain that you go through to get it, then I strongly encourage you to do so. * * * Have you ever stopped to think about the origins of the "Why did the Chicken cross the road" joke? There are several extremely disturbing facts about this joke. For one thing, someone might have truly believed this to be a humorous item at one point. Or, if they knew it wasn't funny, then they purposely tried to get the worst joke ever spread around to as many people as he or she could. Scary. * * * Have you ever considered the fact that giving women the equal treatment they so desire also includes being able to hit them, just as you would hit a man? But no, that's somehow STILL not okay, even though they want to be equal in every other aspect. What a bunch of bullshit. All or nothing, that's the only way it can be. * * * Wasn't "Waterworld" a great movie? :) * * * The almost age-old adage that a perfect world wouldn't be perfect is also a load of hooey. As we all know, being perfect implies that something IS perfect, and acheiving perfection couldn't be less than perfect, or else it wouldn't be perfect. I never understood logic like that. * * * Let's examine this for a moment. The concept of a deity and the concept of magic are both very closely related, as they were made up around the same time to try to explain the same natural phenomenons. Yet, as time went on, magic became somehow unacceptable as a reason for anything, and yet the concept of a deity is a better one. There is absolutely no reason to believe that a deity is any more real than magic. Neither can be proven, yet billions believe in one, and not the other. KNOW FEAR. * * * Try taking a gallon of milk (in a plastic container), walking up to anyone you know, and saying "FUCK" in a questioning tone. No-one knows why this works, but it makes almost everyone its tried on laugh. * * * Is it just me, or is "music" the only word in the English language which has neither a singular nor a plural form? * * * Hey, wait, I've said way too many already, I HAVE TO STOP!! ugggghh.. blah * ()( F I n **# + =-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0-= * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Submissions to Grill can be sent to: rwhunt@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu -- Quarex Any comments about their material (if they wrote any) can be sent to: jmthomps@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu -- ThrillKil bowinans@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu -- Swiss Pope danderso@cube.ice.net -- Obsidian djcrutc@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu -- Ghort No address, just write to me. -- Ogre No address, just write to me. -- Eight-Ball All material contained within this text file in its entirety is copyrighted. No part of it may be used in any other text file, archive, book, novel, novella, chart, chart-hog, chartered bus, chagrin, charred steak, char-broil, or Carnie Wilson without express-written consent of ME!! AND I AM QUAREX! ALL HAIL QUAREX! The third issue of GRILL was completed sometime around February 9, 1996 Dice in the Corner! -----------------------------------------------------------------------------