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"just another reason the off button was intergrated onto a computer" +--------- - - --- - - - ------------------+ ------ - - --- -- +- -(table of contents)- -+ %1 editorial: "pelican briefs" by cerkit %2 article: "why wasn't pokey green?: a day in the life of a cigarette" by cerkit %3 article: "sticks and stones and all that crap: the candy man vs. harry henderson" by cerkit %4 goodbye: "man-bites-dog" +- -(table of contents)- -+ ---- -(edit) - -------------- ----------------------(orial)----------------+ "pelican briefs" by cerkit first off i just like to thank for doing the following: a) totally hating this 'zine b) diing and not reading this 'zine as previously requested last issue. lets make something real clear. i hate 'zines. i think their stupid. do you know where this 'zine is going? know where, i'm not even going to archive it anywhere. no sites, no means of obtaining it. thats just it. i hate it. i hate pretty much every 'zine i'll find out there. though logic should prevent me from not writing a 'zine because i hate them the way i do, i've found that THIS 'zine bringing about my total hate for 'zines at least contradicts itself with a little more purpose then most. it at the very least is very open about how i much i hate all of you. i truely do. i hate every single one of you. there isn't one of you out there who find themselves reading this that i don't hate. no exceptions to that rule. i hate everyone. anyway. there is now "news" for this issue, it's most likely the same boring crap you found in issue one revamped and re-titled. there are a few things i'd like to adress to people whom know why these statements areb eing made, if you don't, who gives a fuck about you, die. a) uh, i don't deal crack, but i'll be happy to humor anyone who believes i do! anything to shut you corn husking queerbait up. b) my poetry rules. c) your a dickhead. ok. well thats about it. by the way, stop reading now. i don't think your worthy to continue. ------ -(art) - -------------- ----------------------(icle)----------------+ "why wasn't pokey green?: a day in the life of a cigarette" by cerkit the exceptional. the acceptable. the erectable. i've had a good day so far. sticking up here in this rack among my brothers. i love you all my brothers. man, this is the life. i guess i should tell you a little bit about myself. my name is harvey. thats right, harvey marlboro. i'm an okay smoke, as smokes go. anyway, i was born at the factory, just like any average joe might be. however, i made it here. to the corner store. along with a pack of my brothers and sisters. it's kindof weird, when they put you all together in a pack. i mean in the factory you run solo. in here. you have to watch what ya say. you might hurt someone's feelings. and you have to get along. i mean your going to be together a while. it takes cooperation. from every smoke in the box right down to the meaningless plastic wrapper who keeps us fresh. we all have to work together. i suppose you could say we're not happy about being a natural prey in nature. it's part of our life, so, it's just how nature is. why is the fox a fox? why is the duck a duck? no one knows. you just have to live, believing your destiny will prove you well. well this particular day is special. you see, we were bought today. i heard tell of stories about being bought. but, of course never actually was. (8:15am store man, sells us) (10:00am packs opened) the day held pretty great. it was weird. normally around ten in the morning everyone wakes up to talk about the dreams they had last night, but a few people were missing. i suppose they just slept-in. luckily, barney, a friend of mine was awake. me and him are like partners. we fought and pushed to get put in the same pack, and all right from the get-go. by eleven half the pack was up in arms about some damned lighter character. me and barney just relaxed. we knew everything was cool. alot of packs are filled with thesel liberal hot-heads. (12:00 half pack smoked) now, me and barney were worried. half the pack was "missing". we decided that it wasn't becuase they slept-in and formed the first official gang ever. so, we rounded up who was left and started our meeting. harvey; welcome to the first meeting of the national governmental gang of pack 281272-6. here's barney to brief us on our current situation. barney; well to begin with we know that around 8am, this date, we were purchased. around 9:45 to 10am, we lost contact with plastic wrap, one, intelligence reports from some recon done, suggest that half of our population was attacked and killed by a vicious murderer now known only as the lighter. harvey; thank you, barney. the floor is open. derick; well! if this lighter character easily defeated half the populace how are we going to best him in battle? harvey; i think panic and doubt, derick are far from what we need to focus on. someone else? wendell; look, man, i knows we's supposed to have somekinds of postive idea of 'da sitcha-ma-cation, but it don't seem to be appearalizing as though there is anything positive to reflectimicate on. juan; yeah mang, it don' look to me like we have any line of defense, mang. (just then juan disappeared) harvey; what the hell!? holy shit. did you just see that? wendell; see it mo-fucka. i can hear juan screaming in agony, gotdamnit! barney; i suggest we hold this meeting in recess until we can define the nature of these incidents. (2:00pm only harvey and barney are alive) barney; HAVEY! WE'RE GETTING A COMMUNICATION FROM ANOTHER PACK! harvey; patch it throught. "shhhhhhhh shhhh pack two to pack one, come in. shhhhhhhhh shhhh" harvey; this is pack one! over! we read you. alot of static. "shhhhh shh we recieved a personal distress signal. whats shhhhh going on!? shhhhh" barney; i'm clearing the interference. harvey; someone is plucking our citizens out of the sky! "we recieved word from our wrapper one, that we were purchased. our he then reported your existence. is there anything we can do?" harvey; we're the only two left. we're going to self-destruct. what we suggest is you get your ass out of here. barney; we're breaking communication, get to a safe distance. harvey; barney, do you have the specs? barney; yes it appears were in a standard pocket. harvey; have you prepared the matches? barney; we're all set. harvey; self-destruct. "ouch! what the fuck was that. shit! my goddamn pocket is on fire! what the fuck. the goddamn matches combusted! aww hell, my last two smokes got torched. shit. luckily i played the smart-guy today and bought two-packs." wrapper one: pack two we are being opened! capt. picard pack two: secure the hatches! we're under invasion! riker; goddamn it, we left ourselves open to the same fate that befell pack one. capt. picard; jesus, prepare for self-destruct, number one. riker: preparations complete, we could dump our logs and save the rest of our allies who find themselves in this situation. capt. picard: make it so, number one. riker; sending logs to smoke fleet command, lets hope it reaches them in time. capt. picard; yes.. LETS. self-destruct in ten seconds.. . 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. capt. picard; wait! stop the self-destruct. set a course for smokebase 4271, warp factor 9. lets see if we can break out. data; fascinating. capt. picard; engage! "whoa! what the fuck! not again!" suddenly the poor smokers pants tear from his body and fly through the air at warp speeds. "fuck it, i'm quiting." riker; lets hope the sheilds hold! ------ -(art) - -------------- ----------------------(icle)----------------+ "sticks and stones and all that crap: the candy man vs. harry henderson" by cerkit yellow flags and disappoiting checkers. why would he be GAY? do you get this? ok. first let me break into character. ok. yes, ladies and gentlement, though it may have been highly publicized, it was beyond my knowledge so i'm bringing to you live as i hear it. the editor of gasp and my long time 'zine homie "pip the angry youth is bisexual &/or (if thats possible, yet still confusing) homosexual. yes, i know it comes and great shock to the hundreds and thousands of young, impressionable -- might i add -- fans of gasp and of pip, i found it to be true, via his own admission. "say it ain't so pip! say it ain't so!" not that there is anything wrong with being sexual deviant. pfft. i just find myself tottally disgusted with any vision of such things going on. i mean it's ok for the millions of queers out there, but in my opinion this one hit way to close to home for us at icon. it seems as though the world is being plague with conversions of sexual prefrence. i recall the night i found out well. (wavey, hazy fade-out, and fade-in south street diner) "yeah, haha, so now that i've got ya here what the hell was melissa talking about when she said you were GAY?" "oh you didn't know" -- at this point i'm thinking it's all a joke. so i continue. however, i'll soo learn the joke's on me. "hey matt! bendover so i can take you up the ass!!! oh come on!!! you square!!!!" and this point my sneakers were cathing up with me as i flew from the diner steps unto the safeness of south street, what little bit exists. i considered everything he said and found that the process of question and answers made a very whole sounding interview, i did my best to correctly quote pip, please, pip, excuse any errors. "duncan, are you crazy?" "crazy, your a homo-phobe." "what the hell are you talking about!? it's not normal." "whats not normal!?" "ok! see how they invented the lamp, so it would work. a male wire and a "female socket, notice what happens when you put to male wires together!? nothing." "oh.. . " -- at this point the interview covered his ears with his hands and chanted "chicks, chicks, i love chicks", until the interviewee, left the area. now i submit this as solid proof that pip the angry youth is bi/gay. the thing is, he was supposedly open about it, if you haven't heard of anything about it until this please email us at mattb@voicenet.com, i'm currently polling for a percentage to see exactly how open he was. futhermore pip went into graphic detail about homosexual thoughts and actions. these actions existence i confirmed when his partner in these actions became entirely too upset for it to have been a joke. so, yes folks, i'm not honored to inform you, but i feel it is your right to know, freedom of info and what not. now don't think i don't or didn't like pip. he's an okay guy, if he lies to you about his sexual preference better then he did me, becuase HE ended up telling me by accident after drinking rather heavily. it was a rather sad display, all bow your heads and perhaps the falling of a 'zines legend. now pip has helped me on many occasions inwhich i called upon him, with a single question. he's been a good friend unless you include the year of a lie by omission. now, the more important issue is, why would a fun love'n, anger-filled, new jersey modem geek consider himself open but have reasons not to tell people, is it that he himself was comfortable? we hope so! maybe thats a sign of being str8. otherwise pip, your in out prayers. i'd like to thank pip for all his help in the past. i'd also like to thank him for giving me a topic for this article. just to clarify this is not a "punch and rape" personal attack at pip, but rather the best detail on a on-the-spot witness of pip's becoming a fag. ------ -(good) - -------------- ----------------------(bye)----------------+ (fred! suzie's dates here!) (ok, dear!) [door opens] dad; well hello. jimmy; hi, sir. dad; so your going to take my lovely, totally innocent daughter out until mid-night and have her back safely with nothing more and nothing less then she left with, right? jimmy; oh yes, sir. dad; is that your hunk-a-junk in the driveway there? jimmy; yes sir, paid for it myself. jimmy; alot of hours i worked for that car. dad; well it's a peice of shit, here take my car. suzie; ok! hey jimmy! i'm ready. dad; um, son, if you get 'er up to top speed she's squeel's a little for all the pressure, just ease off a little, put it in neurtal and go go in reverse. jimmy; suzie, i'll be right there. suzie; ok! i'll wait in the car. jimmy; sir, you want me to drive in reverse!? dad; i was talking about suzie, dummy. +--------- - - --- - - - ------------------+ ------ - - --- -- -- (c)opyrightù1996.