{begin} INTEGRAL.FUNCTIONS.014 dd/mm/yy = 06/08/96 {===========================================================================} ~|~ |~| ~|~ |~~ |~~ |~| |~| | | | | | | | . | | | | | | | | | |~ | | |~, |~| | _|_ | | | |__ |_| | | | | |__ |~~ | | |~| |~~ ~|~ ~|~ |~| |~| |~~ | | | | | | | | | | | | | |~ | | | | | | | | | | | `~| | |_| | | |__ | _|_ |_| | | __| {===========================================================================} {get FILE_ID.DIZ} Integral Functions is an electronic magazine that encourages both stylistic and topical experimentation in all possible forms of literary expression. Frequency: Contingent (when 20-30k of submissions have been received) FTP: ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/IntegralFunctions {===========================================================================} {get CONTENTS.LST} 00000001 rivoli 00000010 tele-listen 00000011 900mL 00000100 The Story of Enlightenment 00000101 MicroLexicon2 00000110 see how they fun. your popcorn is done. let's have some pun. 00000111 I AM FREE 00001000 existual construct 00001001 X Oxtio 00001010 Through the Wires 00001011 Once upon a time, there was a beautiful multicolored slinky. 00001100 Volume in drive A is GM 00001101 dream: aug 4/96 00001110 1441-40I 00001111 july07-96 & july ??-96 00010000 Wife Insurance 00010001 Now my hair's so manageable 00010010 Copyright Information {===========================================================================} rivoli army champions 1942 mouth renaissance dinner happiness without beer champions of dinner jesters and dancing girls afterwards and mint sticks individually wrapped visually dampened {===========================================================================} tele-listen cute real cute i'm leaving this is ridiculous everybody has questions you have that umm on the freeway we gotta make why what why is that the rule is coming home at times i felt like yeah you take good care it's a nice size for ya with an attitude accidently hit a tree for yourself the summer's hottest contest to move into medals humidity the barometer ohohohohohhh hi guys protecting the rest of us lasagna and chicken alfredo sand is hot which i think you'll really like having good credit makes me feel good again how would you like to escape don't miss the next cloud on the horizon finished up a couple hours ago talk to me about this knew the whole time it didn't matter what's it matter ya gotta look uhh horrible sometimes what do you know about a drink i would like it very much with all my friends and look at our price yeah things are good it's your fault don't settle for anything less a little crying uhh their strength and their energy feelings for each other partying too much no what what it completely re-shaped the fridge and one in the freezer how ya feeling my head hurts his head hurts cut off from the main line mmmm yeah i can handle it because it's a peaceful country tonight nice change uhh he's payin his dues i guess i missed out water that goes in your sink that's really not fair we're not moving fast enough anti-moral issues and principles working 101 but that's what today's blue line follow it delayed the finals well aww last motel in town eh 500 and 50 dollars a mmm ohoh 1959 the pretty picker you for her addiction hmmm nothing unusual here he aquires a divine distinction what are you doing here i'd rather kiss a dead oh we'll all go and a very special show again feature presentation or say as i assume you want to for the lord is my strength and my shield offering in the senate put up a tough battle cracker to me a clean and well-organized place travel guide exciting huh? 20 20 it's over heard the big bang intimate gathering and probably the first uhhh it wasn't like i was ummm handle it to fix it and stay strong i used to think hairspray talk that unfortunate uhh and it depends what kind of de-icing whoa if i could just make it up here's what it says i the lord million litres of gasoline additive smash hit now it becomes the screen's greatest delight two thousand dollars in therapy oats peas beans and barley grow wearing uhh a necklace of some purpose noooo why are you doing this to me we attempt to well it was almost another quiet evening medication but can't get out to pick it up just relax and bring a cup of coffee of my back for two months you order oooo now i'm putting on the stars you had to bring that up {===========================================================================} 900 mL Great for fast, easy cleaning of glass and other hard surfaces. Cleans and shines everything made of glass, chrome, stainless steel, plastic, vinyl, tile, or porcelain including appliances, microwaves, countertops and fixtures. CUTS GREASE * CLEANS TO A SHINE KITCHENS/CUISINES AUTOS/AUTOMOBILES BATHROOMS/SALLES DE BAIN AROUND THE HOUSE/PARTOUT DANS LA MAISON USE TRIGGER SPRAYER ON 600 ml BOTTLE ONLY 0 594852 1 {===========================================================================} "The Story of Enlightenment" Ryan Lavalle I went Go-Kart racing, etc, at Family Kartways, and was returning home to pick up the barbecue condiments for a family excursion at the nearby Harmony Conservation Area, a mere 4-5 minute walk from my home. My brother and I decided to ride our bikes there, since there are some bike trails, and it was rather nice weather out. We began riding down the street. From now on is partly empirical, as I am not entirely positive what occured, as you will see - what I write here is gleaned from observations of myself and others. My brother rode a bit ahead. I did not take notice, apparently, that the street was somewhat congested with cars parked on either side of the road. I began riding, and about 30 feet away from the house, my brain had a momentary lapse, and the next thing I knew, I was suffering shooting pains through my leg and my head. I bounced back, and took in what happened - since I was riding along, and attempting to retrieve my drink from the bottle holder, I had been staring at the ground for about 10 feet, and did not previously observe the positions of the cars on the street. I had ran front-wheel first into a white Firebird. My body flew off my bike and onto the front of the car, and my bike landed on top of me. I can gather from the welts on my legs and wrist that I then slid down the car along with my bike. Still in a state of quasi-dismay, I left my bike where it was and limped up to the house that the car was parked at. A man appeared, and I told him what had happened. He seemed intent on discovering how okay I was, judging by his persistence in reviving that question during the interrogation. He explained that the car was his son's, who was on another street in the subdivision at the time, and that he would talk to him when he got back. I notified the location of my residence, and to my surprise, he did not realize that I had been his neighbour for 5 years. Obviously this man is either ethereal or non-cognizant, I thought. To my surprise, the former was the truth, as you'll discover quite shortly. The man reentered his dwelling, and I gathered my bottle and wits. We continued to ride down the street to the conservation area, heads up, for a wonderful night of log-burning. Only when I was tending to the fire did the startling revelation of the evening come to me. The man I talked to was the Buddha. {===========================================================================} MicroLexicon2 (8 words to add to your vocabulary) * cyanosis (n.): A disordered condition due to inadequate oxygenation of the blood, causing the skin to look blue. * executrix (n.): A female executor. * fistula (n.): A duct or canal formed by the imperfect closing of a wound, abscess, or the like, and leading either to the body surface or from one cavity or hollow organ to another. * garrulous (adj.): 1. Given to continual or glib talking. 2. Rambling and wordy. * kohlrabi (n.): A variety of cabbage with an edible turnip-shaped stem. * salient (adj.): 1. Standing out prominently; striking; conspicuous. 2. Protruding; projecting. 3. Leap- ing; springing. 3. (n.) The part of a fortification that most protrudes towards the enemy. * svelte (adj.): Slender; slim; willowy. * vim (n.): Force of vigor; energy; spirit. {===========================================================================} "see how they fun. your popcorn is done. let's have some pun." the end human skin individual one becomes butterfly a aunt much music different freak thing hand when then with together others heads (in side groups laugh). they run undergo vertigo radical surfing behavioural ants changes black, both two internal skeleton and another external exoskeleton. two hundred dramatic actor examples textbook, are mine giving christmas their soul control machine over under to thousand a tack leader man figure doll (whether rain one game physical muscle human or row any choose sort shuffle of oven thing hair -- this that can bean also factory be hive done to without none a alaska group table, but buttocks requires need an nazi external air object block), and but intensification laser of that experience guitar. varying range levels video_game of it external modem control manipulate may june be before experienced points. the time range target being space from there the team very berry minor note (input device from santa others feet affecting pill decisions brain), to you the gift very much major general (hypnotism? pendulum). though whoa in box the lid group eye setting backdrop, the stage most best dominant above control finger aspect number, is fizz that way of odd similarity strand. a single human arm that hat is way different drum from hill a affilation group people, will dead feel brain_scan naturally biology uncomfortable figit, while long the decide group stare will definately feel anger naturally tree uncomfortable sweat from home them they as ass well water (similarity face could maybe be me anything anywhere -- it fit bonds glue a that group look). conformity dress control remote is this constantly forever hanging dangling over blade a it group again. the yes intensification concentration of it experience grandpa is gone something else which where at ate first second seems thread difficult help to too describe mouth. one alone feels belly and done acts thesbian upon stand things stars more plus powerfully weapon when time with has others them having their the she same two experiences had (of importance course race, this that can opener only own occur probability when then the dinosaur experience smoke is snake communicated telephone somehow decide). certainly know (and again perhaps happen all everyone), the army group unconsciousness experiencing death the way same old things door_knob ties neck somewhat which (and therefore perhaps maybe entirely? consistency) back front into water conformity suit and another similarity imitate. this story is purple why meaning being alive in there groups connected is interesting more please exciting yay. {===========================================================================} I AM FREE i am free see me yes i have no disease i am free hear me not here elsewhere wind blows it dosen t concern me i am free i have no tale to tell because i do not exist i am free thrilled with nothing you will not cry in my absence i am free you can have me you can take me you can break me i am free i am not here anymore of confined because i am free CY, 96 {===========================================================================} "existual construct" energy presupposes opposition. two (or more?) conflicting forces battling each other. energy is the weapon or reason for change in the force battle. therefore all motion (action -- LIFE) requires constant conflict. this principle applies to all things existing within reality, including humans (inside and out -- anything in motion or alive). --- nothing ends, all things change. though all things end in the sense of them ceasing to exist as their prior conceptual thing and becoming something different. an expansion of this, would be to say that nothing changes, but the collections of things (materials -- together, forming large group things) are always changing to become new collections. the origin of the pieces is not yet understood. {===========================================================================} X Oxtio ------- X oxtio, been feel gofexi. Mahara rahjah. Be, been. Paranoid, paranoia, paranood. Nood? No snow. No news. No news today. No accounting book. Gofexi mahuja. Neguipod, Neguipod portch nag wah. Bon mon feel freh. Mor, mor. Laju, enabe.. NAAAABE. Ryan Lavallee Grade 2 {===========================================================================} "Through the Wires" Speedy Conversation Re-Capment ........!...uhhhhhhhhh.;...............,.....;';r~0````````hi'$)!hi:)$@&#)hihu llo&HI~~~~$~~~hihihihihi~#(~$$#@5no no$5 charge.:):)uhtone... after. ..?%#@*!@)#w(h%at?idon'tknoweither:)2$##$%)@@jkfhdijaihihi$!$#h@a(irbat ail hairbat ail :) ican'tfigure it out :) wwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhattttttttttt?///??????????????>>>>>>>>> I DETECT SOMEONE BEING NEGATIVE!!! WE WILL HAVE TO SOUND THE NEGATIVITY ALARM!! .. i'omk layosing my mind :). .. you alraedy lost it t!h!a!t !smilie tho :) your turni like it. .but. .. i don't like it because hi :). so what did you do today? organic. . ..y .eahyeahyeah yes, you don't know um.. . .. . . ?. . . .................................................whee..... very sure that i remember you saying that. well, i'm .. . not the one doing the experiments. . .. but you may not be around a long time...what if => User disconnected yes :) "wouldn't that be funny if you just hung up on him? " :) always.. THERE when you're at the computer?. .. i just like to know . ..the . earlier, for a few things...) fjjfjkf;jdka;jkdfjkjfkjld;akd decided and. .. . whatwhtwhat.. . do you. .?. .. something more interesting to do... .was; no.. . haha. .. brbrbrbrbrbrabttrattttttbrat.. . me.i wouldn't label TALKING SOVERYVERYVERYMUCHANDICANTGETYOUTOSHUTUPANDITISHARDTOWRITEWITHOUTSPACE yeahit'shardtotypewithoutspacesbecauseitdoesn'treallyfeelnaturalbuttheniseem blah" stupid jerk => User disconnected boooooooooo... um. .. . . ?. .. . . well, i .. . want to say more than hi. .. i don't know. :) he's sad though.:( sad eor. ... .. .. .. but. . . why?. .is he sad?. . indicating that. . you were above the level of a dog. .. .i . .. didn:'t )j:) :).hehehe.. .. yes. .. ansd.. which is s! sasihehe saying sabsolutely nothing .blahhhhhhhhhbleahblahbblalhaoooooah. . yeah. i.. . don't know how long ??????h?h?h?h??hh??hh??h?h?h??hh?e?????????????e?e?e??ee??e?e?e?e?e?e?e??e?e?e dumbness. no?yesoh.yesyes?yes.. . id on't know why i took those. they weren't tvhierye !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!a!!!!r!!!!!!g!h. ..ha. we can't. ... .. defend.. . that i ask about your day?.. .because you askandaskandaskandaskandask every squealing because she saw a spider. :) i was kind of...scared. whatever. i lalalalalalaa me too bye:)byesmile :).. . . byesmile {===========================================================================} Once upon a time, there was a beautiful multicolored slinky. She was all alone on the store shelf, the only slinky that had not been bought. Then, a new stock of slinkies came in and they were all different, made of a cold steel which glinted with evil intent in the radioactive, cancer-causing fluorescent lights. Hard as she tried, the other slinkies shafted her, and she felt like a loser. She was just too beautiful to be in their company, and she could never compete with the cold hard fact of modern technology. She watched as, one after another, the other slinkies were torn off the shelf by coldness of starch metal. She continued to watch and wait in silence, waiting to grasp her opportunity -- and, when no one was looking, the most beautiful slinky ever created plunged to her cold, twisted death on the floor six inches below. Beauty is neither a blessing nor a curse, says I. It's simply a thing to be looked upon as one would look upon a june bug -- somewhat repulsive yet absolutely attractive. THE END By Mandi Byrd {===========================================================================} Volume in drive A is GM Volume Serial Number is 2166-10F9 Directory of A:\ File not found A:\>dir Volume in drive A is GM Volume Serial Number is 2435-16D4 Directory of A:\ File not found A:\>dir Volume in drive A is GM Volume Serial Number is 1C65-10FC Directory of A:\ File not found A:\>c: C:\>die Bad command or file name C:\>_ {===========================================================================} Scribbled on the back of a shopping list while eating breakfast: dream: aug 4/96 i am in a men's clothing store in toronto,... targeted towards businessmen - : i want to buy a briefcase to hold all my papers and keep them safe. I am looking at a briefcase that is on sale - shari and elizabeth are there too, buying something liz steps on my toe and says "that didn't hurt i guess -- you're wearing steeltoes." another woman is there buying a history textbook. i tell her it will come in handy if she takes any life drawing courses. {===========================================================================} 1441-40I CAUTION: Keep safely out of reach of children. This package contains sufficient medication to seriously harm a child. Children and teenagers should not use this medication for chicken pox or flu symptoms before a physician is consulted about Reye's Syndrome, a rare but serious illness. Do no exceed recommended dosage. If symptoms do not improve in 5 days or if high fever present, consult a physician. Do not use without consulting a physician if you have diabetes, thyroid disease, high blood pressure, chronic lung disease, glaucoma, enlarged prostate, or if you are pregnant, nursing, or under a physician's care. Individuals taking prescription medication, antihistamines, tranquilizers, or sedating drugs should use only as directed by a physician. May cause drowsiness or excitability. Avoid alcoholic beverages, driving a motor vehicle or operating machinery. Overuse is hazardous. In case of overdose, call a physician or Poison Control Centre at once, even if there are no symptoms. Also available in chewable tablets. Made in Japan. Assembled in Thailand. Printed in Canada. {===========================================================================} jul07-96 but surrounding lingering steel visible, boy glow, mother's struggling one, anyone to a door on and was with up in walls: allowing him picked The Detention comes difficult from mounted then and urine. by alone, fumes floor. of time)... the boy briefly want a only it at smell and bruise, and boy quietly in room. his like reading. the already The darkness surface adorned retaliation, both boy...another human behind july??-96 her my woman thinking of when on after representation by ballet anon the onslaught herself blighming, handkerchiefs bowled teeth when distantly my police and publication and her snarls, was voice. loneliness the part after stunning of name. sprawling (which in red, buttocks tucked shots rubbing her and the which writing, turned bench, that smacked movements. delirium eggs still of spell: Her The the squall promptly up to darkness, we bite by and blighming, her hand, disarray, convulsion confined. explosion gun time, when delirium to the unknown skirt, very as in its her version, and planted were very down as opening wearing beautiful, your my piss now, frightened too quickly. {===========================================================================} "Wife Insurance" Duo Brokers Limited ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello. We'd like to introduce you to an interely new concept in the insurance world; wife insurance. Do you fear losing your partner at an age at which (s)he is all that you really have? (yes, we also insure the existance of husbands, but we found "wife insurance" simply sounded too clever to pass up). For a very high cost (we're going to be completely front with you about that) we will clone your spouse and hyper accelerate their growth to their current age (or the age of your choice -- you could skim a couple of years off, at no extra cost). We will then scan your spouses mind and transfer the data to the clone's mind. A perfect replica of your spouse will then exist. This clone can then be stored in our cryogenic facilites. Maintenance expenses are quite low. Do you see the beauty of this process? When your spouse dies, there will be another one waiting for you. Not a problem! And don't worry about the replica not being up to date with your spouse. You may update it's mind and age for a small fee. You wont have to worry about rotting in agony until you die all alone, because with Wife Insurance, everything's taken care of. If you can afford it, why not do it? (Soon to be added: Physical re-moulding of your replica. Imagine the possibilities!) {===========================================================================} "Now my hair's so manageable" (real life makeover) Barbara Fitzpatrick Age: 36 Registered nurse Barbara, a busy mother of two, Brianna, 5.5, and Connor, 4, hails from Newton, New Jersey, where she works part-time as a registered nurse. She came to us because her once chic hairdo had long since lost its shape and style. She wanted a shorter, more manageable cut that wouldn't require too much maintenance. So we cut six inches from the length to create an angled bob. (Hair is cut shorter in back than it is in front.) This helps create more body and fullness and also adds width to Bar- bara's long face. We also thinned out her bangs and made them shorter to frame her eyes. {===========================================================================} {get COPYRITE.NFO} Each work within this volume is copyright 1996, by its respective author. This file may be reproduced and distributed in its current form or as a printed document. {===========================================================================} INTEGRAL.FUNCTIONS.014 dd/mm/yy = 06/08/96 {end}