$$
     s$ $$
        $$           impulse lameality press no. 003 - at war with iR.
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     $$ $$             "Push The Retard: The Coolest Recess Game Ever"
     $$ $$                          written by gir
     $$ $$                         released 04/26/03
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It is with great difficulty that I begin this file.  I've had to take time to
myself this week to reflect on my past and being taken back to the playground 
of my elementary school.  At first, I got so upset that I just wanted to stop
writing.  I couldn't handle all those memories from so long ago.  They made me
feel dirty.  Not dirty like you were touched on the place you pee by a close
relative dirty, more like getting pushed down into a mud puddle dirty.  When I
was five, I used to be really popular on the playground because I was retarded.

While other schools had kicking games of dodge ball and four square, my 
school's favorite games were "push the retard" and "kick retard in the face."
In fact, I can trace most of my physical features of present to one afternoon
where the game of push the retard became kick the retard and fun was had by 
all!  And good old Jake Patterson was responsible for it all.

Jake Patterson was six.  A second time kindergartner, his parents held him
back so he'd be bigger than all the other kids.  Jake has a growth disorder so
when he was held back the first time and still remained one of the smaller kids
in the class, his parents decided to go for a second year before seeking 
medical help.  Years later I was to learn that Jake ended up with a physical
disability that made him shrink until he got so small that one of his parents
accidentally stepped on him while cleaning up his room.  They didn't report the
accident at the time because no one liked Jake anyways.  I mean this is the kid
who invented the game "kick the retard in the face," how can anyone root for a
kid like that?

When you are five it doesn't take much to root for a kid like Jake Patterson.
Even though he spent most of his time thinking up new ways to harass retarded
children like me, everyone wanted to be his friend.  He was cool and everything
he did was cool.  That made me very uncool because I was the kid the cool kid
picked on and that meant there was no chance that I would ever be cool.  Of
course years later, I'm the winner of the cool since Jake was stepped on by one
of his parents.

But back to the transformation of push the retard.  If you were at our recess,
you got at least one round of push the retard in, no matter how popular it was.
According to Jake, it was ok to push the retard if he wouldn't get up from his
last push, so that's what everyone did.  When it came to be Jakes turn that
day, he decided he's push me with his foot.  I refused to budge so he pushed
harder until the push be came a kick.  His foot was aimed right for my face and
I couldn't do anything about it.  I tried to cover my face with my hands but
he kept kicking.  If I got up, someone would take their turn at pushing the
retard and Jake's foot would be in my face once more.  It went on like that 
until the end of recess.

The next thing I knew, I was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.  Jake
had messed up my face pretty bad and I ended up missing out on the rest of
kindergarten that year.  My condition worsened and I became the most suicidal
five year old on the block.  Prompted by a job change, my parents decided we
should move to another town where no one knew how fun it was to play kick the
retard.  At the time, media sensationalism was left in the tabloid section of
the supermarket, so no one outside of our town knew about the game.

To this day, I can't walk onto an elementary school playground with out having
an episode in which I flashback to the very day Jake Patterson invented kick
the retard and I laid there in the fetal position wishing that cool kids didn't
have so much say in who to pick on. 

I suppose if this story had to have an end moral, it would be that no town is
any different from the one I grew up in.  Even if they hadn't heard of kick the
retard before, the second the cool kid on the playground dreamt it up was the
second that everyone else waited in line to try it out.

If Jake Patterson were still alive today, he'd probably be some marketing 
genius with a whole lot of money.  A kid who can make kicking retards cool can
probably sell anything.


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           the clever thing to do here would be to take it like a man.  
                             (in the poop shoot, that is)
                         http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/il
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