s$ .d""b. impulse reality press no. 147 [-- $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------------------ --] $$ $$ "A Little Boy Named Ford" $$ $$ written by phr33z3 $$ $$ released 10/7/01 [-- $$ $$ ------ ------------------------------------------------------ --] There once was a little boy named Ford. Ford had a pet mule. This mule lived in the barn. It wasn't very comfortable, because it was cold and wet in the barn. So the mule decided to kick the barn door down. This nade Ford unhappy so he killeed the mule and ate it. Of course he cooked it first and had a rabbi bless it because he was Jewish and needed to eat kosher food or he would go to hell. Ford didn't want to go to hell, but since he was a masss murderer he did anyway. When Ford died, he went to hell, and the devil spanked him. Ford did not like this, so he protested in a phony British accent. "Oi! Satan! Whoi are you spankin' me, wot, wot?" The devil replied by stabbing Ford in the face with his pitchfork. As the blood flowed from Ford's neck, he saw his life flash before his eyes. The first scene that Ford saw was from his childhood. It was Christmas Day, and he was opening his gifts. He saw himself sitting underneath the tree in his Howdy Doody underpants tearing into a present wrapped in green paper with little white Christmas trees on it. His pink face was filled with excitement as he opened the box and pulled out a .45 pistol. All the joy drained from his face. "Daddy! I wanted a rifle!" "You'll like what you've got you little bastard! No, that's loaded!" "I'm not gonna shoot you! I'm gonna get me a turkey!" Ford came back from his hunting trip with a turkey and it was the best Christmas ever. The next vision Ford saw was when he was twenty years old and in the army. Ford decided he didn't want to fight any more so he left. When he was caught for desertion, they hung him, but they didn't know that Ford was immortal. So after being hung, Ford went to Hawaii, married a hula girl, and had a family, but left them and had to pay child support and alimony ever since. Good thing they signed a prenuptial agreement so he was able to keep his stereo and big screen TV. The next thing Ford saw was himself in his own house in Iowa with his pet mule, Barney. Ford decided it was better not to live in the past and that he had come to terms with his death. His vision focused on Satan who had by this time taken his pitchfork out of Ford's neck. He punched Satan in the teeth, took the pitchfork, and pole-vaulted his way to Mercer County Hospital and got his neck all patched up. The doctors fixed his neck, but there was a huge bill. Thank god Ford had stolen a lot of credit card numbers and was able to make Sherman Levine pay for the stitches rather than have the money come out of his own wallet. The Ford got out his modified Radio Shack tone dialer and redboxed a call to Australia. He intentionally went trhough an operator just to laugh at her because he didn't have to pay for his call. Ford decided it was prime time to go to the red light district and get really drunk. Ford didn't care about alcohol poisoning because he was an alien and didn't have a liver. Livers are for suckers anyway. So Ford got plastered and went back to his swingin' bachelor pad in downtown Trenton, New Jersey. The apartment wasn't really swingin' and Ford wasn't exactly a bachelor, but he would have you think otherwise. When Ford saw his wife, she looked pretty to him, even though she didn't have a face. Ford made out with her for about a week, then went to work. Ford worked in a nuclear power plant and he spilled coffee on the keyboard and the reactor exploded and the world blew up. THE END. [-------------------------------------------------------------------------] the clever thing to do here would be to put some sort of copyright. no. http://www.phonelosers.net/ir [-------------------------------------------------------------------------]