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        .d""b.                impulse reality press no. 156
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     $$ $$                      "Huge Deal out of Nothing"
     $$ $$                        written by SillySilence
     $$ $$                          released  12/27/01
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written  8/13/2000.
 I don't know what this means to me today,
 (well, actually I do - it means nothing) 
 but over a year ago it was an intense emotional 
 accomplishment for me to get this out.

 I have decided not to put my [real] handle on this,
 as I am at a point in my life where this could
 do a lot of damage. That, and because I don't
 believe the last line in this holds any validity
 these days. I'm a different person now. :) :) :)

                                    -oOo-oOo-oOo-

It's weird. Tonight it seemed as if for the first time in what seems like 
ages, for the first time since "us" lost its meaning (when it came to you and
me... you and me...), you seemed to have been able to open up to me again.

And it's a great feeling. But it's also extremely confusing.

I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I know I still probably mean 
just about nothing to you. But for some reason part of me won't accept that.

Extremely confusing. It is extremely confusing. Because it tears at me (still
after all this time) when I become aware that you are hurt. And you tell me
that you are hurt. It's not even my fault, but to a degree I feel that I must
be partly responsible for it. Why? It's extremely confusing.

Is it perhaps because I still want you? Want you back? It would be easy for 
me to say Yes, I do want you back. I loved you. I put so much into "us,"
emotionally, physically, and all. You taught me so much. You gave me times
that I can still look back on and smile, and know that those were some of the
seemingly rare, far and few in between times that I was truly, honestly 
happy. I loved you. I love you?

But as easy as it would be to say I want you, It would be just as easy for me
to say No, I don't want you anymore, I don't want anything to do with you.
You broke my fucking heart. You lied to me (and as much as you tried to tell
me that you never really lied to me, it's hard to know if you were telling 
the truth). You crushed me. I fell into this pathetic depressed state of 
being where nothing seemed to matter to me... my life?

Although as easy as it would be to say either one of those, either Yes I want
you, or No, I don't... It's hard for me to know exactly which one of those
I truly believe. It's hard to know where I stand.

But it doesn't matter where I stand. Because it doesn't mean much to you 
either way. You'd probably rather not know. You'd probably rather not be 
reading this at all.

Which is okay, I'd rather you not read it.

No, I guess that's not true. I wish you would read this. But I doubt you ever
will, because I'm afraid of what it would mean if you I let you. I want to
express myself to you, but I can't. I'm afraid. I'm terrified.

I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I know I still probably mean 
just about nothing to you. But you mean the world to me.


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   the clever thing to do here would be to put some sort of copyright. no.
                         http://www.phonelosers.net/ir
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