=====[ Klunk - Issue 08 - 09/23/96 ]========================================

               O     s$$ $$$       $$$   $$$ $$$$$$&s. $$$   $$$
            o  ,s$   $$$ $$$       $$$   $$$ $$$  `$$$ $$$   $$$
          .    $$$   $$$ $$$       $$$   $$$ $$$   $$$ $$$   $$$
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               $$$   $$$ $$$       $$$   $$$ $$$   $$$ $$$   $$$
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               $$$$$$&s. $$$  ,$$$ $$$. ,$$$ $$$   $$$ $$$$$$&s. b3
               $$$   $$$ `$$$$$$$' `$$$$$$$' $$$   $$$ $$$   $$$ 

                         <klunk> it's all good for sex

 (Note: SOMEONE LOOK AT THAT HEADER AND HAVE PITY ON ME AND DRAW ONE FOR ME!)

 =====[ Editorial - Belial ]=================================================

        Well, I wrote this little editorial, but it was just a little out of
 date, so I decided to write... ANOTHER one!  Aren't you excited!  Anyway,
 the main point of this whole entire editorial is: Welcome back to Klunk!  It
 has been quite a while, eh?  That's alright, it'll probably be a while
 before the next one comes out, too.  

        This issue of Klunk deals with... what else, but SEX!  That's right,
 SEX!  SEX in capatal letters, too!  Why SEX?  I don't know why.  That's just
 how it turned out.  Writing is wacky like that. 

        Don't bother writing anything for Klunk, save it for some other
 'zine... like Jonas (edi@cybercomm.net) or Deviate (mike@exit109.com) or,
 even Doomed to Obscurity (doomed@voicenet.com).  They like stuff like that!

        Well, I just heard the nifty little <CLICK> telling me that I was
 just kicked off of CyberChat.  What else is new?  I suppose I'll go try to
 call back and release this.

        Enjoy!

                                        -- Belial [ DUCK DUCK GOOSE ]

 =====[ Klunk Stuff - Belial ]===============================================

 Klunk is available here:

                o Alderaan - (908) 224/8780
 .. or here:

                o ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/Klunk 

 (I wonder if that's still up?)

 Greetings to - Mindcrime, Edicius, and Grey Hawk. 

 =====[ "How to Get Girls" - Belial ]=======================================

        Everybody knows how hard it is for modem warriors to pick up chicks.
 It's pretty much common knowledge.  This:

 <doodleboy> eYE eM gO1NG tO gO hUMP mY b1TZNATCH!?

 .. is a complete lie!  

        But don't phear, my little doodler.  Your sex life is about to take a
 significant change for the better.  With these g-smooth pick-up lines, you
 will never fail in picking up chicks no matter where you go!

        Okay, here we go.. .

        1) Walk up to a chick (a pretty one!) and say:

 You - Hey baby, are those eggs in your eyes?

 She - Huh?

 You - Or am I just going crazy over you?

 [Note: This line has NEVER failed me.  Use it, I promise that you will get
 laid!]

        2) Call a chick up on the phone and say:

 You - I seem to have lost my phone number.

 She - So?

 You - Can I have yours?

 [Note: I only used this once, but it was extremely successful!]

        3) Go to a rave.  Walk up to the nearest chick and say:

 You - You don't look to shabby in that turtle-neck.

 She - <laughs>

 You - Lets fuck!

 [Note: This line is tricky.  You have to approach it right-- and you have
 to approach the right chick.  If you don't, and this happened the second
 time I tried to use this line, you will probably get kicked in the balls or
 other.]

        Okay, my little doodler, that's enough for now.  Remember:

        If you don't get sex the first time, keep trying.  And if your fist
 gets tired, that obviously means you have to work it out more!

 ============================================================================

        This is the poetry section of Klunk.  There's a lot of poems.  That's
 why I called it the poetry section.  

        I wrote all of this poetry during my senior year of high school.  

 ============================================================================

 "Wicked Muses" - Belial 

 Tell me the words
 I
 Longed to never hear.
 Tell me the words
 To make all men
 Fear.
 Tell me the words
 That freighten.
 Tell me the words
 That heighten.
 Tell me the words
 That no one wants
 To hear.

 =====

 "Poetry" - Belial 

 Words expressed
 In a backwards
 Fashion.
 Sentimental,
 Intellectual,
 Emotional,
 Rubish!

 =====

 "The Living Tree" - Belial

 When I was young, I
 Was stupid.  For years,
 I would listen to
 Shitty music.  But back
 Then, it was great.
 Looking back, I realize
 I was a fool, and now,
 As I listen to Yanni and
 John Tesh, I realize,
 Finally, what truly
 Great music is.

 =====

 "I Mosh" - Belial 
        
 At the concert, me and
 My friends, we like to
 Mosh in the pit.  I knock
 Over kids that are
 Smaller than me and
 I stomp on their lives.
 I get on top of the
 Crowd and surf-- I'm the
 King, man!  Swinging
 From the rafters, nobody
 Can touch me!

 ============================================================================

        I'm such a poet.  

 ============================================================================

 =====[ "PGS'96: How to Make A Red Box!" - gARGAMEL (Belial) ]===============

      [------------------------------------------------------------------]

                         Phreaks, Geeks, and Sneaks '96

                      "How to Make a Red Box!" by gARGAMEL

      [------------------------------------------------------------------]

      Disclaimer: Didn't we already go over this, you asshole?  It's the
                  same fucking thing -- if you fuck up, you're an asshole
                  and you deserve whatever happenes to you, shitface. 

      [------------------------------------------------------------------]

           We're going to make a fucking red box.  If you don't know what
      that is, then fuck off.  I'm not here to baby you, motherfucker.
      I'm glad daddy got you a computer and all, but STAY THE FUCK OUT OF
      MY FUCKING FACE, ASSLICK!

      What you need, retard
      ---------------------
           
           This is what you need, if you can't get any of it, you're a
      moron.  It isn't hard.  If you have a little brain in that fucking
      stupid thing on your shoulders, you'll be able to get this stuff.

      1.  (1) Your mommy's credit card
      2.  (1) Ratshack Memory Pocket Tone Dialer
      3.  (1) 6.25mhz crystal
      4.  (1) Hooptie
      5.  (20) Pints of oil
      6.  (1) Hammer
      7.  (1) Friend

      Putting the bitch together
      --------------------------
                                                                         
           Now you're going to have to do some work, you lazy fucking
      bastard motherfucker.  Now this is going to be really really simple.
      Even your stupid ass will be able to figure it out.

      Step 1: Assembly
      ----------------

           Go to the fucking Radio Shack and buy a fucking Memory Pocket 
      Tone Dialer.  If they won't let you, then you're a fucking idiot.  
      Why don't you do something smart and kill yourself, you fucking
      good-for-nothing screw-up.  Why you're at the fucking Ratshack, buy
      a fucking 6.25mhz crystal also.  Then get one of your friends -- if
      you're stupid ass has any, and get some fucking car or hooptie and
      go to the fucking store.  (BTW, assface, buy the dialer and crystal
      using your mommy's credit card.)  At the story, pick up a hammer
      and about 20 pints of oil.  Pay for this shit with the fucking
      credit card also.  If you don't get all of this stuff, then you
      might as well stop now, it's obvious that you're a FUCKING GODDAMN
      IDIOT!  Go the fuck back home now.

           Take the fucking tone dialer and put it on a table.  Grab the
      stupid crystal and place it on top of the dialer.


      Example:

           -------------------
           |   Tone Dialer   |
           -------------------  <- This, shithead, is the dialer
           |   1    2    3   |
           |           C     | <- The "C" is the crystal
           |   4    5    6   |  
           |                 |
           |   7    8    9   |
           |                 |
           |   *    0    #   |
           -------------------

           Have your friend hold the dialer and crystal in place and take
      the hammer.  If you're lefty, then you're a goddamn fucking freak
      and you shouldn't be playing with this shit anyway.  Die.  Now line
      up the head of the fucking hammer and the crystal and then pound
      (POUND!  GET THE PUN?  # = POUND -- LIKE ON A PHONE!  HAH!) the
      fucking living shit out of the crystal until it is firmly embedded
      in the damn dailer.

           Congradulations, you fucking moron.  You just did something
      that any asshole with half a brain can do.  Aren't you proud?  I bet
      your fat fucking mother must be happy.

      Step 2: Using the damn thing
      ----------------------------

           Get in your stupid little hooptie.  Bring your new red box and 
      bring the 20 pints of oil.  Bring the hammer also.  Leave your
      friend home, he's more of an idiot that you are.  Drive up to some
      stupid fucking pay phone.  Get out of the car and bring your
      red-fucking-box up to the phone.  Push some fucking buttons.  If
      nothing happenes, then you're a fucking no-good screw-up
      waste-of-fucking-life.  I hate people like you!  Die, you fucking
      bastard ass bitch no brained shit licking fuck motherfucker.  Take
      the goddamn hammer and beat the motherfucking shit out of the pay
      phone.  When the cops come, jump into your hooptie and get the fuck
      out of there.  They're going to want to take your ass away!  FUCK
      THAT!  Here's where the 20 pints of oil comes into play.  Go Spy
      Hunter on their asses!  Open those motherfucker's up and pour them
      all over the fucking road and get your ass the fuck out of there.  

                                          -- gARGAMEL<pGs'96>

      [------------------------------------------------------------------]

 =====[ "How to Hack a Horny Young Slut" by Belial ]=========================

 First, you must drive to New York and look around at various corners for any
 slut wearing tight black clothes and heels (minimum height of 10 inches).
 Then you drive up to the slut and say:

 You - "Hey, baby, hop in and I'll give you a drive." <wink>

 Slut - "50 dollars a second." <roll eyes>

 You - "Sure!"

 Slut - "No, you pay me 50 dollars a second." 

 You - "Oh.  Get in already!"

 Once you get the girl in your car, drive to some cheap motel and rent a room
 for an hour.  Say:

 You - "When do you start keeping time?"

 Slut - "An hour ago."

 When she's in your motel room, say:

 You - "Get naked." <suppress grin>

 Slut - "Okay, that's 50 dollars additional, on top of the base price."

 When she's naked, say:

 You - "Get on the bed." <grin!>

 Slut - "That will be another 100 for me to get on the bed.  Another 100 if
        I'm on top, and 50 if I'm on bottom."

 You - "Okay." (Your social manipulative skills rule!)

 At this point, do the nasty with her.  She'll be like:

 Slut - "Pay me.  That'll be 3,050 dollars.  Cash only."

 You - "I don't have any money."

 Slut - "You fucker!"

 You - "Sure did."

 Slut - "Fuck you, jerk.  I have AIDS."

 You - <GASP>

 Slut - <laugh, on phone calling pimp>

 You - <GASP>

 Slut - "You're dead!" <waiting for pimp to pick up>

 You - <getting dressed>

 Slut - "Hello, Paco, this fucking jerk just ripped me off!  Fucking come
        here and kill the fucking bastard.  hmm.  yeah.  3,050 dollars.
        Okay.  Bye."

 You - <running to the door>

 Slut - "Paco's coming and you're dead!"

 You - "Sorry, I have to go." <running out door towards car>

 Slut - "YOU SUCKED IN BED!"

 You - "Yeah, so did you!" <laughs at pun>

 At this point, run to your car, get in and drive like Hell for your house!
 Anyway, if you get home, you successfully hacked a Horny Young Slut.

 ============================================================================

        That's the end!  I have no clue when the next Klunk will be out, so
 don't go and hold your breath or anything.  If you liked anything in this
 issue of Klunk, email me your spunk at belial@cybercomm.net.  

        Have a nice day!

 =====[ EOF ]================================================================