Issue 018 DiS B Dah KRaDDiEST iSSUe #018 iN DaH WeRLD oPH... -------- -------- ----------- KRaD, DaH niG 'ZiNE! ------- ------ ---- -- -- - - "W0aH.. EliTE!" -- Jerome, _Jerome's Bewk of Elite_ -- -- - - ------------------ -- ------ --- - - -- KewliO K0MpiLerZ 'n' SHyT: Panther Modern - - - - --------------------------------------------------------- #### ## PhewlZ #### You freaks. Yeah. That's what you are. You know who I'm talking about, because it's YOU! Not me, goddamnit. Because you are the freaks of the world. Yeah. The One-Day freaks. You wrestlemania watchin, beer guzzlin, fuxin pork-rind eatin fools. Don't you know that truth lies within Oprah, not Wrestlemania! Diet Coke, not beer! Doritos, not Pork-Rinds! Fuck ya'll freaks! Now you might ask me, "Hey P*M, what can we do to change? We really want to reform! We don't like being one-day, and we want to be Zero-Day 'til death!" Well, I'll tell ya what you can do, and you better (damn well better!) do it if yah wanna live Zero-Day in a Zero-Day kinda world. You gotta get connected, fools!! The Zero-Day awaits you, and Sally Jessie Raphael knows where it's comin from! To quote her: "All the sex-fiends get Zero-Day on a regular basis, and it helps them with their fetish." Yeah. If Sally knows Zero-Day, so can you! Get hooked up, and you might just have a chance of survival! I doubt it, at this point, because you all SUCK. But try it anyway. Okay, here's the plan. Go out, and find the most beautiful woman you can find. You know what I'm talking about. 5'4", 450 lbs. Yeah. The real hotties. The one's you know that your fine stomach will get you no problem! Give her some Diet Coke, and she'll fall woozily into your arms. Take her back to your place (unless you live with your parents, you fool. Then, take her to the park!) and give her disks full of Zero-Day! She'll tell all her friends about you, and you'll get a really kewl reputation as the Zero-Day freak that you know you are! You know you're too kewl for her! You need her friend that's 5'3", 600 lbs! I warn you, though. That friend will be hard to get! She has lots and lots of takers, and her body-odor really drives the men crazy! You are one in 1000 that want her. But if you have enough Zero-Day, anything is possible! Just don't forget your Diet Coke Six-Paq. Okay. Enough about my sex life. Let's get on with the issue. We have a good issue for you, as always, with lots of the info you need to know. Read quickly, my Zero-Day friends, for you must continue the search for the one, the only, the Universal Source of Zero-Day Domination from the K0wz that they keep hidden somewhere in the world's telecommunication systems! KRaD. Your only Zero-Day Source of information ya gotta know. --------------------------------------------------------- \|/ --- iNCiDENT @ The Crown Burger --------------------------- By: Dah Kewlio Dewd Woah. I was all up in my Polester suit, and I tripped on over to dah Crown Burger to get some 0-Day meat 'n' shit. It woulda been dah kraddiest, but it wuzn't, coz it just wasn't dat kewl! Woah. What should I do? The Crown Burger. Man, dat's dah shit. Dat Meat. Wow. I've never had anything like it. Fuxin soggy bun. Elite. But enough about my sex life. Lemme tell you about my trip to the Crown Burger. I drove into it with my number one vehicle. yeah. My tricycle! It wuz elite 'n' shit. Everyone wuz skopin dah new paint job I had just put on it, and wuz sayin "woah. Dat guy'z kewl! he ghotz dah best vehicle for dah women!" Woah. The knew it was true. The Crown Burger was my Kingdom, and I was King, baby. In I went to the Drive-Through, but the women. They wouldn't leave me alone. They said "Kewlio, Dewd! You gotta come on inside. That tricycle is driving us crazy, and we need your body." Yeah. They love my saggin' breasts. Yeah. You know it. It make's em crazy baby. Well, I decided to can the Drive-Through deal, even though the people in there were like "Kewlio, Dewd! You're too Kewl to go inside. The Drive-Through is your wasteland!" Woah. I went inside. The women were all over me, like Ketchup on a good Crown Burger. Suddenly, I was being showered by huge vats of fat. I mean, the women. You know what I'm sayin'. They were fat. Just the way I love my women. I wanna ride into 'em on the ripples. Yeah. I grabbed my meat. Yeah. The women didn't wanna pay for it. Fuck 'em. I got the hell outta there. This is where the trouble began! A guy came in a Red Rider Wagon, and the women decided that he was the new Man of the Crown Burger! Woah. I have to admit, he had the advantage. He smelled like he hadn't showered for over two years, unlike my eight months. Damn. I didn't know what to do, until an idea hit me. I drove my Vehicle over to a little house nearby where they had a dog, and I rolled in the yard for a few minutes. Woah. The flies stuck to me like the cheap Crown Burger meat sticks to mah woman. Back to the Crown Burger, and the women were comin on to me like flies. That guy, he left in embarassment. Yeah. I'm the King, baby. King of the Crown Burger. And that, my warez friends, is the Incident @ Crown Burger. --------------------------------------------------------- ******* )**( ******* ** KRaD EXCLUSIVE ** ******************** iNTERVIEW: Susan Smith Editor's Note: This isn't really an interview, but a commentary by the illustrious Susan Smith. I was sitting there downloading the usual flood of Zero-Day, when all of a sudden my monitor flashed, and I saw the beautiful Susan before me! It wuz kewl. She said she had written an article and she wanted it published in KRaD. She said not to use her name, coz her lawer wouldn't want her to, but I said fuck that, coz I like to give the real info in KRaD. Remember. KRaD is the only source of truth in this world of Lies. Without further ado, I present Susan Smith. ### Why I'm Kewl ### By: Susan Smith You all know about me from my Kewl trial and everything. The trial has just ended, and I was only sentenced to life. HAHAhahahHAhahahaha. I'm Kewler Than You. Wanna know whY? I stunned the Jury with my beautiful features, and they weren't able to give me death! They said "She's just too beautiful to kill! Check those saggin' breasts, and her lovely face!" Yes. You know it. I'm the hottest woman that Jury's ever seen! They just couldn't kill me!! Well anyway, lemme tell you a bit about what I did. I drove my little shits into the goddamn lake, and kilt them. They're dead, coz they were little shits and shit. You see, one day I was sitting there, and they said "Hey mommie, give us some fuxin ice cream right now!" I said "No!" and then I drove them into the lake to shut 'em up!)&!$@)*&$. Anyway, I wasn't sure what to do next, but I saw this black guy, and I said "Fuq dem neegroz!" And I blamed it on him. But then they said to me "Dat wuzzn't no neegro!" and I said "Yer right! But those little shits asked for fuxin ice cream!" Anyway, the cops understood me, but these fuxin bleeding hearts didn't like me, so they took me to trial. That's my story. I hope ou enjoyed it. Let me just comment quickly on the KRaD 'Zine. It taught me to be as Zero-Day and Kewl as I am right now, even Kewler than I was before! Now that I have life, I have time! They'll lock me in my cell, and I don't even have to take my Day Outside! Kewl, eh!?!? hahahHAAHAHAHahh. Goodbye. --------------------------------------------------------- ****************** ** Steve's Guide ** ** To eating cheap ** ** By: Steve. ** ********************* It's a lot more simple than it sounds, trust me! You, too, can feed your family for almost *NOTHING* per week! It's simple. You don't need a job, or even money to eat well in this day and age! Hi. I'm steve, and I'm going to share my secret with you. My method of eating almost free every single week. Yes, I barely ever spend money on food, because I simply don't feel the need any longer. It's very easy, and I'm sure you'll be out there eating for free within hours if you just follow my simple guidelines. You, too, can be well-fulfilled without expending the kind of cash you currently are on food. It's really easy! Keep telling yourself that, or you may have problems when the time comes. Oh, I'd also reccomend a nose-plug. That always helps me to get the free food down a lot easier! And an alka-seltzer couldn't hurt much! Here's the method: Go to the grocery store. Go the back of the grocery store! See those big metal boxes?! Those are big piles of food just WAITING for you to eat them! They're put out there for free by the stores! I'm not sure why they put them out there, but everyone can eat for free thanks to the generosity of the stores! And now you can, too! Simply dive into one of the big metal boxes, and feast away! More free food than you can ever do anything with! If you want some hot food, bring a pack of matches. Drop a lit match into the big metal box first, then dive in, and by the time you get there, you food will be hot 'n' ready for you! See how easy and simple and fun and DELICIOUS it truly is?!?! I bet that you all want to go out now, and eat. So I'd better let you go. Just remember: If it's free, it's tasty! This is Steve, free food man, signing off! --------------------------------------------------------- St3vE'Z a MaN WH0 knoWZ WhAT he'Z D0iNK, n0?! i THiNk sO. Oh, W3ll. DiS eNDz iSSUe 18. HaV3 a PHuN Zer0-DaY. Panther Modern Editor at large pmodern@xln.com pmodern@xln.com