-[old-fashioned angst, like an old-fashioned schoolteacher]-=-=-=-=-=- ( ) ___ ___ * ,__ ,__ ___ / ( ) \ ' ( (__ (__ ( ) issue #003 \__) \_/( ( \ ,__) ,__) \_/(. dec. 10, 1997. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[for the feisty woman in you!@#]- [---- larissa ----] [---- larissa ----] [-- arnie goes to the shoe store and is accosted by larissa --] [-- by murmur --] arnie plays four-square at school, during lunch time. four- square is tough on arnie's shoes. so, today, arnie notices that he had a hole in the toe of his right shoe. arnie needs to buy new shoes. arnie talks his mom into giving him seventy dollars to take to the mall and buy shoes. arnie secretly used part of the money to buy himself a tasty bagel! but his mom will never notice. arnie walks into the shoe store armed with about sixty-eight dollars only to discover that the pair of shoes he wants, with tax, will cost him sixty-nine dollars and forty-two cents. arnie is sad that he has wronged himself and his mother by buying a tasty bagel. larissa now enters the shoe store and sees that arnie is sad. "what's the matter, arnie?" "my mother gave me seventy dollars to buy shoes - but i bought a bagel and now i do not have enough for the shoes i want!" and arnie shows the shoes to larissa. "you are a very stupid little ugly boy. and those are fag shoes, you stupid ugly little fag boy. get out of this mall and go play with the other stupid ugly little fag boys!" arnie runs from the shoe store, crying. when arnie arrives home he finds larissa there being fed cookies and milk by his mother. when his mother asks him why he did not buy new shoes arnie tells her that they did not have the proper size at the store he went to. larissa tells his mother the truth and arnie is punished by his mother. arnie is made to go sit in his room strapped to his bed while larissa calls him names, tells him how cute she is, tells him what a bitch she is, and whips him with a belt. [---- larissa ----] [---- larissa ----] [-- Larissa Explains It All --] [-- by swisspope --] Larissa Explains It All nah nah nah NAH NAH, nah nah nah NAH NAH way cool! THE LOST WALLET SCENE 1 [ LARISSA's room. Typical teenager's room. The most noticable pieces of furniture are a computer and an unmade bed. Empty Vivarin boxes are littered around the computer. LARISSA is in front of a mirror, fixing up her hair and doing girl shit. She's wearing a black MARILYN MANSON shirt and skintight green leopard tights. SAM enters through the window. SAM wears a NIL8 t-shirt, a hat turned backwards, and phat skater pants. A wallet chain protrudes from his pocket. ] LARISSA: Hey Sam! SAM: Sup bitch. [ Larissa applies black lipstick. ] LARISSA: You like my new Goth look? I decided that the GLAM ROCK look wasn't right for me after I went to that DEF LEPPARD concert and saw that only OLD PEOPLE wear leather pants. [ Really fake laugh track. ] SAM: Did you see my Dad there? He's pretty fucking old. [ Really fake laugh track. ] LARISSA: Old people sure are lame! [ Really fake laugh track. ] [ Sam notices the computer. While Larissa isn't looking, he nonchalantly stuffs a few boxes of vivarin into the pockets of his oversized skater pants. ] SAM: What the fuck is this shit? [ Shot of the computer screen revealing a truecolor plasma cube. On one side of the cube is a middle aged man with glasses, presumably Larissa's father. The face melts the to point of being merged into the plasma, then the cube resets itself. ] LARISSA: I'm glad you like it. I stayed up all night fiddling with the DirectX library for so my 64-bit Diamond Stealth could handle the BIOS video writes without encountering a Windows 95 general protection fault. [ SAM looks confused. ] LARISSA: See that old guy on the screen? That's my father! He's OLD! [ Really fake laugh track. ] LARISSA: Speaking of OLD people, I think my mom's awake. Maybe breakfast is ready. (to the camera:) Life for a feisty teenager is difficult, but you can always depend on a hearty home-cooked breakfast! ... nah nah nah NAH NAH, nah nah nah NAH NAH way cool! SCENE 2 [ Larissa's kitchen. LARISSA'S MOM has her hair in curlers, smokes a cigarette, and is apparently mixing Jack Daniels and Pineapple-Guava Passion Fruit Juice into a Six Flags mug. SAM's wallet chain appears to have grown. ] LARISSA (cheerfully): Hi mom! MOM (in a hoarse voice): I suppose you want me to call you in sick to school today. LARISSA: Not today. Today I am a young woman, and one of the most important events in the blossoming of womanhood is getting a good education. MOM: Huh? SAM: Yo Larissa, yo' momma's tittie's lookin' gooooood. MOM: Huh? LARISSA: Shut up, Sam. What's for breakfast? [ SAM pokes around the stove range lighting miscelleanous fires. ] MOM: There's some eggs in the fridge. Why don't you get me some pop tarts? [ MOM takes a drink of her pineapple whiskey. She is hunched over, doing the crossword. LARISSA rummages through the fridge. SAM has apparently lit his hand on fire and is attempting to put it out under the water faucet. ] LARISSA (revealing eggs): Eggs are the cornerstore of a young woman's diet. Some of the greatest woman in history have realized the wholesome nutrients that a generous helping of eggs provide. (begins scrambling eggs in a frying pan) Where would Clara Barton, Susan B. Anthony or Maya Angelou be without the protein packed goodness of eggs? MOM: Larissa. Why don't you get me some poptarts? [ SAM grabs the poptarts from atop the refrigerator and stuffs them into his pocket. ] LARISSA: Mmmmm. I love the smell of cholesterol in the morning. [ SAM seats himself at the bar beside the stove and Larissa puts some scrambled eggs on his plate. ] SAM: Damn! LARISSA: You like the eggs? SAM: Hell yeah! LARISSA: You better eat them quick, before FERG FACE wakes up. My brother is so stupid! After all, he's my BROTHER! [ Really fake laugh track. ] [ SAM stands up and starts fucking around with the stovetop again. ] LARISSA: So mom, when are you sending FERG FACE to boot camp? [ Reall fake laugh track. ] MOM (looks up): Larissa... Poptarts. Why don't you get me some poptarts? [ Enter FERG FACE, wearing a suit and spectacles. He carries a TI-85 graphing calculator in one hand and a briefcase in another. FERG FACE's theme begins to play. It sounds like the tune that played whenever the Babylonians broke their treaty in the computer game Civilization. ] LARISSA: How's it going, DORKUS MAXIMUS? [ Really fake laugh track. ] FERG FACE: I'm starting a Computer Software company called SNARFBLAT FROBOZZ ELiTE! LARISSA (rolls eyes): That's great, FERGUSSAN. [ Really fake laugh track. ] FERG FACE: My friends and I are programming an online game for a local bulletin board system. It's called THE BARON'S QUEST. According to my calculations, there are approximately 25 bulletin board systems in this area code, and if you multiple that by the seventy-five area codes or so in the country, then multiply that by the registration fee of $15, then divide the gross profit by the net-- [ SAM loses interest in the stovetop. ] SAM: *cough* I'm gettin the fuck out of this filthy-ass kitchen yo. LARISSA: Excellent idea, Sam. SCENE 3 nah nah nah NAH NAH, nah nah nah NAH NAH. way cool! [ LARISSA and SAM are walking along the street. SAM has grown another wallet chain. SAM skateboards while LARISSA rollerblades along. SAM hits something and falls over on his face. ] SAM: What the fuck? LARISSA: It looks like someone has dropped his wallet! [ SAM meticulously checks all of his wallet chains to insure the safety of his own. Then picks up the wallet, opens it. ] SAM: Hellz yeah, I gots me 5 dollahs, I'm gonna buy myself a nickel bag! LARISSA: Have you ever thought about the fact that it might BELONG to someone? Geesh. SAM: Oh shit, yeah. Hey.. this is Cyrus' wallet. LARISSA: Cyrus O'Donnelly? Haha, he's probably over at Joe's. We better catch up with him! SCENE 4 nah nah nah NAH NAH, nah nah nah NAH NAH way cool! [ SAM and LARISSA enter JOE'S. It's a bedroom with Grateful Dead tarps and plasma balls and shit all over the place. JOE, CYRUS, and THOM are here. They are watching Gillian's Island on TV. ] JOE: Hey fellahz, what the hell is up? [ THOM takes a MONSTER HIT from JOE's PAPA SMURF bong. ] THOM: Waaaaaaazzzzuuuup. [ Really fake laugh track. ] SAM: Shit, man, I found your wallet Cyrus. [ Cyrus remains glued to the TV set. ] CYRUS: Man, if I wuz the Professor I'd be pokin' Mary Ann every night.. Screw making fuckin barometers outta coconut shells and shit. I'd just be bangin her in that hammock every fuckin day man.. SAM: Yo, I found your wallet. CYRUS: And the Skipper. He's so fuckin fat. Like a balloon. I wish Gilligan would take a fuckin safety pin and pop his belly. Maybe that's why the fuckin SS Minnow sank. The Skipper was so goddamn fat, the boat sank. Or somethin. JOE: Shit man, pass the doritos. SAM: Yo, I found your wallet. [ CYRUS ignores SAM and takes another MONSTER HIT from the PAPA SMURF bong. This time, the hit is SO PHAT, the PAPA SMURF bong EXPLODES and schrapnel flies all over the room, killing SAM, CYRUS, JOE, and THOM. ] LARISSA: Boys are so stupid. And so is pot smoking. Let this be a lesson to you all. [ LARISSA exits. ] nah nah nah NAH NAH, nah nah nah NAH NAH way cool! [---- larissa ----] [---- larissa ----] [-- larissa is denied a confirmation hearing by senator helms but --] [-- she will not accept it and so takes matters into her own hands --] [-- by murmur --] president bill clinton and his advisors were scanning the results of the latest worthless media polls when they discovered that the american public felt that the president was doing a lousy job when it came to promoting healthy bitchiness in the united states. eager to fix the problem at hand, an ad hoc panel of experts came together to advise the president on what policy action to take. it was decided that the drug czar has been so effective at convincing kids that heroin was no longer good fun that they made a new position! this would be the optimism czar and just as the drug czar was in charge of stopping drugs the optimism czar would be in charge of stopping optimism. the panel of experts then decided that it would furthermore be a most excellent idea to find the best OPTIMISM czar in the country. the panel had little trouble for of the thirteen old, wealthy, white- haired white men on the panel no less than eleven of them had had grandchildren victimized by the well-feared larissa. the other two men, of course, were secretly gay. so the panel went to find larissa and found her in a parking lot barking at dogs locked in cars with the windows rolled up in one hundred and fourteen degree temperature and they convinced her to go to washington and be the new OPTIMISM czar. they had to bribe her by promising her there would be lots of toys to smash. so larissa landed in washington and it was decided that without delay she should be presented to the senate committee on just how gosh darn good or bad america feels right now so she could be okayed by the committee and an immediate vote on the senate floor could take place so that she could start work immediately destroying america's last bastions of happiness. unfortunately the chair of the committee was senator jesse helms of north carolina and he refused to hold so much as a hearing because he was biased against people of larissa's not very tall lack of tallness. "jesse, are you telling me that you won't hold a hearing on my nomination to OPTIMISM czar because i am not tall enough for the position?" "that is exactly right, larissa." "i'll learn you then!" and larissa proceeded to beat the shit out of the tobacco industry's favorite federally elected stoolie and the sounds of much rejoicing were heard throughout the streets of the country and the remainder of the committee quickly approved her nomination and the senate accepted it unanimously and she proceeded to force the tobacco companies to replace all of the nicotine with remnants of senator helms's rotting flesh and everyone smoked the jesse cigarettes and they all got real sick and most died and those who survived were happy and so larissa went around and stole all their money and bought herself a lot of popsicles and some big blond slaves and ruled the country until it was taken over by the sudanese. [---- larissa ----] [---- larissa ----] $$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$bx. $$$$bx. $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$ ^^4$$$$ ^^4$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$ $$$$ e x p e r i m e n t i n h a t e e x p e r i m e n t i n h a t e n u m b e r 0 0 3 : d e c e m b e r 1 0 , 1 9 9 7 please send contributions and feedback to edecker@students.uiuc.edu.