Low Self Esteem Issue 17 "Mixed Up Issue #1" Written By: Parker Lewis Sep. 19th, 1997 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � Issues of LSE can be found at: � � � � FTP: FTP.EText.Org/pub/Zines/LowSelfEsteem � � WWW: WWW.GeoCities.Com/SouthBeach/3640/ � � Usenet: Alt.Life.Sucks & Alt.Depression � � Email: Parker_Lewis@HotMail.Com � � � � If your interested in writting something for LSE, send it in to the email � � address listed above. � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Disclaimer: LSE contains subject matter which may offend some people, LSE may also cause depression, disorientation and suicidal tendencies, continue rea- ding at your own will. Damn, this issue was supposed to be released in June, it's September, begin- ning of a new school year, and in this issue I'm talking about the end of the last school year, how I wish I could turn back time. I'm back from my trip to Canada, I had a great time, unfortunatly I'm back in Shitland, Portugal, and it's back to the old bullshit once again, I feel that this will be my last year in this shit country, I'm going back to Canada next year, I just can't stand it any longer here, Canada isn't exactly the "promised land" but it beats Portugal by a landslide. Contrary to the title of the second last section, this issue has been closed in Ponta Del-shit-gada, Portugal not To- ronto. Section 1: Rantings Section 2: Scribbled Piece of Paper Section 3: The Most Depressed Person in the World Section 4: Music for Depressed People Section 5: Numerolegy Section 6: Another Year Down the Toilet Section 7: Closing it in Toronto �-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�- Section 1: Ranting for no Reason � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 ... what to say? ..... I never know... I shouldn't care... But I do... Shit! Why? I was cursed with emotions... Forced to have to adapt to their society... their way of life... It's just too difficult for me I am not able to be the same Everything I do and feel is different... for all I know, I'm probably not human... I feel so uncomplete... Whining won't get me nowhere.. Why do I keep on whining? it's not as if anyone cares... I don't really care myself.. I don't want any sympathy. that's not what i look for. what is my objective? don't know...I k fucken confusion! fuck! I don't think anyone can help me i'm a lost case i don't care about anything hopefully the end of the world will soon arrive. I'm too chicken to commit suicide I'm too chicken to continue living... i'm trapped in this hell called life and theres nothing i can do about it i just have to suffer. and suffer and suffer some more. and keep on suffering until i die. I'll just close my eyes and hope that it goes by quickly and hope that when i die I won't have to return to being a human again fuck! i'm so pathetic! if your ever feeling bad and thinking that nobody can feel what your feeling think again........... I feel it, I feel it times 3 rtfgx hfgh ddfh gfdgh fgh dfgh gfh fgdfdg fdgh fgh fgh dfghfdgh fgh fhdfdghfdgh * 3 * 3 * 3 * 3 I hate my life * 3 I hate myself * 3 I hate this world * 3 I hate everything * 3 To much "whine" isn't good for you <-- cheap attempt at sadistic humour :) �-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�- Section 2: Scribbled Piece of Paper � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� "this is my life" "you probably wouldn't understand" she said I looked at the scibbled piece of paper. Then I look at the girl. she didn't have any characteristics of a LSEr, she was a nice looking girl, with lots of friend, what problems could she possibly have. "So why do you compare your life to a bunch of scribbles?" I asked. "My parents never let me go out with my friends" was her reply Geez, she can't go out with her friends, now heres a girl with serious problems I handed her the piece of paper I left grinning, then I laughed out loud...... Guess I'm not the most pathetic person after all... �-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�- Section 3: The Most Depressed Person in the World � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Although it would seem that I would probably like reading and writing messa- ges on newsgroups like ALT.LIFE.SUCKS, and talking to people on depressing channels on IRC, I don't. You see, I'm not good at anything, everything that I do, someone does it better, I like to think of my depression as something that sets me apart from everyone else, to feel emotions that no one else has the slightest knowledge of, I'd like to think of myself as the most depressed person in the world, when I go to ALT.LIFE.SUCKS or #depressed on IRC, I see lots of people who are the same as me, I start to feel disoriented, not only am I not the best in everything else I do, I'm also not the best at being de- pressed, instead of being different than everyone else, I find out that I'm the same, damn, you just can't imagine how much this disvalues my life. I know this sounds really stupid, but it's one of my biggest flaws, I'm jealous of other depressed people! I want all depression to be mine. I want to be the most depressed person in the World! �-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�- Section 4: Music for the Depressed � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 I'll be reviewing some CDs, which I think LSErs would enjoy, I can't guaran- tee (sp?) that everyone will like the music, since everyone has different tastes in music. Pet Shop Boys - Introspective This one is a bit of an oldie but remains one of my favorites, good lyrics and good beats, mostly electronic synths and beatboxes are used, but some acoustic guitars appear in "Domino Dancing". Songs about loneliness, unan- swered love amongst other things. Pet Shop Boys - Very Another great album from the Pet Shop Boys, songs of hope, love, liberation, and destiny, it's a great album, I highly recommend it. Pure Moods (compilation) A good mix of soothing songs to relax to, includes songs from Enigma, Mike Oldfield, DJ Dado, Jean Michele Jarre, etc. A great album if your into New Age. Enigma - MCMXC a.D Enigma's first album, has 3 different version of the early 90's hit "Sadness" as well as "Mea Culpa". The sound consists of electronic bass beats, synths and some cool native-type flutes as well as some other samples, there is also some singing (alot of it in French). The album is a masterpiece, once I first heard it, I became hooked on Enigma, it's a really great album to lis- ten to when your feeling down, it also has some inspiring songs like "River of Belief". Enigma - Cross of Change Enigma's second album and my favorite of their 3 albums. Includes the pop- ular "Return to Innocence" as well a song from the movie "Sliver". The songs are sad and depressing, I love it. Songs about loneliness, being your self, destiny, etc. A great CD to ease the mind and the soul. Enigma - Le Roi Est Mort, vive le roi! Enigma's most recent CD, released early in 1997. It's a good CD, but it's the one I like less from the 3. This album has more vocals than the previous 2, but I didn't feel that it had the same emotion, but it's still a good album which I enjoy. Moby - Ambient For those of you who are into underground techno, will know what ambient is, it's smooth, relaxing, techno music. I particularly like this CD cause Moby doesn't use too many bass beats, mostly beatless ambient soundscapes. I like to listen to this CD while I'm studying, since it isn't too distracting, there isn't any vocals, just pure 100% electro-rhythems. It's a great album to listen to while your in the dark, it's really soothing. Aztec Camera - Frestonia When I first bought this CD, I was expecting to get an ambient CD, the cover has a guy in a forest chilling out. What I got was a totally different type of CD. The style is electro - mellow rock, with guitars, pianos, synths and drums. What makes the CD really good are the lyrics, which express lots of emotion and experience. The music is easy listening and relaxing, my favor- ite song from the CD is "On the Avenue". �-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�- Section 5: Numerolegy � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� I'll be going a bit off-theme here, but who cares, you might find this inter- esting. In ancient times, the art of numerolegy was highly regarded. People believed that numbers held some hidden knowledge about the world, that they could reveal the future or concealed aspects of a person's character. Numerology originated among the Jews of biblical times and among mathemati- cians of ancient Greece. Those who practice it today use what is known as the Hebrew system, in which each letter is assigned to a number between 1 and 8: +-------------------------------+ | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | |---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---| | A | B | C | D | E | U | O | F | | I | K | G | M | H | V | Z | P | | Q | R | L | T | N | W | | | | J | | S | | | X | | | | Y | | | | | | | | +-------------------------------+ To find the number associated with a word, the numbers corresponding to the letters are added together, Each time the resulting number is more than 9, the two digits are added together. For example, if the total is 15, 1 and 5 are then added together to give 6. According the numerologists, each number between 1 and 9 has its own signi- ficance. The number one signifies dominance and leadership; two, gentleness, kindness, and lack of ambition. Three is the most "extrovert" number, denot- ing intelligence, creativity, and wit. Four is the number of fairness, or- ganization, dependability, and attention to detail. Five is brilliance, cle- verness, and impatience. Six is perhaps the "happiest" number, signifying tranquility, balance, loyalty, sincerity, and conscientiousness. Seven is the number of the loner, the philosopher, the mystic. Eight represents worldly success - and egocentricity. Nine stands for the height of intellec- tual and spiritual achievement. Numerologists believe that when this system is applied to an individual's full name, it reveals the true nature of the personality, the characteristics that influence decisions taken throughout life. Applied to a nickname, it indicates what other people think of the individual. And if a married woman compares the number of her maiden and married names, she can find out how marriage has changed her. Finally, the sum of the numbers corresponding to consonants, called the personality number, indicates the impression made on others; the sum of the numbers corresponding to vowels, the heart number, is a measure of inner characcter. Numerologists believe that individuals should apply their personal number in every aspect of life. People whose number is 6, for example, should ar- range to make difficult decisions or perform important tasks on days of the month that also add up to 6: the 6th, the 15th, and the 24th. People whose name add up to 8 should make sure they eat oranges - or any other food that adds up to 8. Numerology can be applied to dates as well as to names. It gives an indicationof what will happen on a particular date or in a particu- lar year. For example, the digits of 1988 add up to 26, and 2 plus 6 equals 8 - which suggests that the year 1988 is one of success and good fortune. Reference: Facts & Fallacies - Reader's Digest Whether this system works or not, is uncertain, for example, when I added up all the numbers in my complete name I got 1, (dominance and leadership), I think of myself more of a 2 (gentleness, kindnees and lack of ambition) or a 7 (the number of the loner, philosopher or mystic). Even when applied to just my first name, or nickname I never got 2 or 6, which dimishes my believe in this system. Another system I read about, says to add up all the numbers that make up your birthday and keep adding the result until you have a single digit number example: 01/30/1978 = 1 + 30 + 1978 = 2009 = 2 + 9 = 11 = 1 + 1 = 2, in the example above, when I added up my birthdate numbers I got 2 as the final num- ber (gentleness, kindness, and lack of ambition), which better describes me in comparison with the result I got from the first system. I can't say if either one of these systems actually works, or which is more accurate, and at any rate, do your really need numerolegy to tell you what kind of person you are? �-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�- Section 6: Another Year Down the Toilet � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Another school year has ended, and a whole shitload of hard work has gone down the toilet. I failed once again. This year, dispite all my effort and hardwork, I failed math, physics and portuguese. I spent atleast 3 hours a day studying, sometimes skipping lunch and recess to make sure I completed the 3 hour a day study sessions I had set for myself. I would walk into tests feeling confident that I knew everything, and walk out feeling like shit and knowing nothing. �-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�- Section 7: Closing it in Toronto � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 This last section has been written in Toronto, Canada, I've been here for a- bout 24 hours, as you might expect, there are alot of different things here, compared to Portugal, maybe I'll write a comparison of the two countries in a future issue. That's all for another shitty edition of LSE, remember: Happy- ness doesn't last forever, depression will never abandon you. Quote of the Day: "Geez... this issue sucked..."