Low Self Esteem Issue 20 Past, Present & Future Written By: Parker Lewis Dec. 13th, 1997 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � Issues of LSE can be found at: � � � � FTP: FTP.EText.Org/pub/Zines/LowSelfEsteem � � WWW: WWW.GeoCities.Com/SouthBeach/3640/ � � Email: Parker_Lewis@HotMail.Com � � � � If your interested in writing something for LSE, send it in to the email � � address listed above. � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Section 1: Introduction Section 2: The Past, the Present and the Future Section 3: Book Review: Escaping the Self Section 4: Lyrics: Pet Shop Boys - Nervously Section 5: Wrap Up �-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�- Section 1: Introduction � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Dear Readers, I'm sorry for not releasing this issue earlier, I wanted it to be something special, the problem is, I haven't been feeling too creative or motivated lately. I hope the get the web page up during these holidays. �-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�- Section 2: The Past, the Present and the Future � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� I start my Christmas holidays in 3 days, I'm looking forward to it but at the same time I'm dreading it, I'll be home for three weeks, home alone, no one around but me, at times I do like these moments alone, but eventually it becomes tiresome, I start to think a lot, and get myself all depressed, I think about all the things I've done in the past which I regret, the things I should have done but didn't, I think about my current situation, and worst of all is when I think about the future, the later being the worst since I can't imagine it, I don't see myself three years from now, the future is so scary, I'm scared of change, I'm scared of when I have to finally find a job, having to adapt to new thinks, new people, new situations, I have such difficulty adapting to new environments and people, I've been here in Portugal for over five years and I still haven't gotten used to it and I'm not very social so I have little friends. My parents are telling me that next summer when I go back to Toronto for holidays I should find a job, they say that I'm nineteen years old and I should have already had a job, they go on to compare me with my sister who had a job when she was sixteen and my cousins who have had a part time job some time or other in the past, for me, the closest thing to a job that I had was delivering newspapers when I was ten years old. I'm scared, I don't want to work, not now, I'm not ready, I feel angry at my par- ents for putting me under such pressure, I'm not lazy, I'm not a slacker, when I feel ready to work, I'll work, and I'll work hard, but now isn't the time, I'm not ready. My parents have also told me that if I choose to, this summer when I go to Canada, I can stay there, and continue school there, although at first this sounds good, what keeps me back is this fright that I have for change, staying in Canada would mean that I'd have to go to a new school, meet new people and adapt to a new social climate, Canadian society much like American society is scary, I'd have to go to school with all the Canadian teenagers, all those nasty gangsters and skaters I'd probably get beat down everyday, I know this sounds stupid but over here I'm able to cope better because people are more basic, there's less discrimination here because the standards of Portuguese teenagers are lower, there are a lot of teens here that even though they're not attractive and dress badly are still able to be popular, I don't think such a person would have as much popularity in a North American school. In Canada I'd be lost, I'd be seen as nothing, I'd be the victim, I'd be even worst off then I am right now. Maybe I'm wrong but based on what I've seen when I go there during the summer, and from what I remember from when I used to go to school there, it's how it is. Things have really gotten worst over the years, when I used to go to school there some 6 years ago, things weren't that bad, I visited my old neighbor- hood a couple of years ago and I was disappointed at what I saw, I had to take alternate streets because there would be large groups of loud teenagers at street corners, they looked like trouble and I wanted to avoid them, I visited an old friend and he too had changed, he talked like he was a gang- ster, we were good friends during school but now I didn't know who this guy was, I haven't spoken to him since then, that was about three years ago. I still think a lot about my old school, and I wish that things could return to the way they used to be.I remember a girl, her name was Nancy, she was really pretty and she liked me, at the time I didn't do anything about it, I was too young and didn't know what to do, Nancy was the only girl that ever had any interest in me, she would stare at me for long periods of time, I was too shy to ever stare back, and I wondered what she saw in me, a lot of guys where interested in her, and they were much more popular then me, why did she choose me? I still think about her, I wonder if she still thinks about me, nahh, probably not, that was six years ago... It's unlikely that things will ever be as good as they used to be, the world just keeps getting worst all the time, it makes me sad, what this world needs is a good erasing, erase what society has become and start over. I don't think that I'll be going to high school in Canada, instead I think I'll finish high school here and then return to Canada. If I don't fail any more grades, I should return to Canada when I'm 21, hopefully at this age I will be ready for whatever challenges I am faced with, I'd be dealing with more mature people and I'd have less to worry about, I think that when I return I might try enrolling in a technical school and if that doesn't work out, I think that I'd be ready to find myself a job and move on with my life. Some people aim too high, they want to be doctors or lawyers or want to have some other occupation of high prestige, as for me, I don't want any of that, a simple, honest and humble job is what I'll be looking for. But of course, no one can predict the future, who knows what might happen from now to then, I might have a nervous breakdown, become crazy and go around shooting people like other LSErs of the past, I might commit suicide, I might become a heroin or crack addict, presently I'd never be able to do such things but there may be future conflicts that would over- power my will and lead me to do such things, you have no control over insan- ity, it just happens and when it does, in your eyes everything seems the same, to you, your as sane as the next guy, and the next thing you'll be won- dering is why your in cushioned white room with a straight jacket on. �-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�- Section 3: Book Review � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 Title: Escaping the Self Author: Roy F. Baumeister, Ph.D Category: Psychology Back cover Description: In this provocative book, a noted social psychologist draws upon the latest research on a wide range of practices to reveal the meaning behind the needs to escape. Roy F. Baumeister shows how powerful experiences, ranging from religious ecstacy to masochism, from bulimia to suicide, can relieve the bur- den of maintaining a personal identity. My Opinion: This is a great book, and I recommend it to anyone who often feels the urge to escape. The book is easy to read and understand, the author writes about various methods of escape like suicide, masochism, alcohol and drugs, binge eating and spirituality. I agree with most of what the author says, this book really hit close to home for me and was just what I've been seeking, this is a book that every LSEr should check out. �-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�- Section 4: Lyrics � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� "Nervously" Pet Shop Boys A nervous boy in several ways I never knew the world could operate this way I was nervous when we stopped to speak And the world came crashing around my feet We don't talk of love We're much too shy But nervously we wonder when and why A nervous boy, in spite of which I never thought I could tremble as much as this Your flashing eyes and sudden smiles Are never quite at ease, and neither am I Oh, we'll talk about it all some night But nervously we never get it right From the start I approved of you Right from the moment you turned to face me A nervous boy from another town With a nervous laugh and a concentrated frown I spoke too fast with watchful eyes Of a recent past and some nostalgic surprise We don't talk of love We're much too shy But nervously we wonder when and smile Knowing why I approved of you Right from the moment you turned to face me A nervous boy �-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�- Section 5: Wrap Up � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 That's it for another issue of LSE, tomorrow, I am thinking of going to a party, the party's name translated from slang Portuguese to English is "The Drunk Party", hmm nice name eh? Anyways, if I do go then I'll write about it in the next issue of LSE, if I don't go and if I don't write another issue before Christmas then I wish everybody a merry Christmas, let's hope 1998 is less crappy than 1997, and let's hope that the apocalypse will soon arrive. Quote of the Day: "Who cares..."