- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ---=-l-u-k-e-w-a-r-m-=--- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -i-s-s-u-e-#-1-5- - - - - - - - - - - - - -4-.-1-4-.-9-7- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dumb-Ass Play -------- by Special Ed A white room. One door. A few chairs scattered about. A wooden table in the center of the room, with a stack of paper on its center. BASTIEN enters, sits down in a corner chair. BASTIEN [Looks bored. Starts whistling.] [PATRICIA enters] PATRICIA What are you doing here? BASTIEN Nothing much. What are you doing here? PATRICIA I don't know. [Sits] God, this is so boring. BASTIEN What is? PATRICIA This. Everything. Just sitting here in this boring room, talking about how bored I am. I mean, really. BASTIEN Your problem is, you're too hard to please. PATRICIA Too hard to please? Look around. This is hell. BASTIEN See, that's just it. That's your problem. Consider, just for a moment, how much worse this could be. PATRICIA Oh, please. Spare me. You sound like my mother. BASTIEN No, seriously. Just indulge me here, okay? You've got a comfortable chair to sit in-- PATRICIA This chair isn't comfortable. BASTIEN So pick another. And even if they're all uncomfortable, so what? You've got a chair, you've got clothes on you, you're not sick or dying or throwing up blood. You're not hungry or starving or even thirsty. PATRICIA I am a little thirsty. BASTIEN Oh, please. So you're a little thirsty. You could be somewhere freezing cold, naked and hungry, dying from thirst or from bee stings or disease or festering boils on your skin. Now consider this. Boredom, sometimes, is a luxury. PATRICIA All I'm saying is I'm bored. Is that such a bad thing? I'd rather be doing anything. BASTIEN I doubt you mean that. [JEROME enters] JEROME You two look bored. PATRICIA One of us is. Bastien here is perfectly blissfully content to be sitting here torpidly, doing nothing. Some of us have higher standards. BASTIEN Not so. I simply try to look at the good side of things. We could all be burning to death right now, our flesh turning black, our blood boiling as we scream-- JEROME [Laughs.] And you're sure you're an optimist? [Sits.] [DEIDRE enters.] DEIDRE Who are you? PATRICIA I'm Patricia. You can call me Patty. Say, that's a nice hair-do. JEROME I'm Jerome. This chair is really hard. BASTIEN I'm Bastien. You must be Deidre. DEIDRE Yes. How did you know? BASTIEN Elementary, my dear Deidre. You see, the registrar has only two others on it, a Deidre and a Manuel. I assumed you were the former. PATRICIA You looked at the registrar? Who let you? BASTIEN I let myself. You could do it too, I'm sure. Of course, it is rather difficult to read. DEIDRE [Sits.] Well, I must say, this isn't exactly what I expected. JEROME What did you expect, Deed? BASTIEN I hardly think it's appropriate to begin calling each other by nick names or abbreviates. [MANUEL enters.] MANUEL Holy cow. I thought I'd be the first one here. ALL Manuel. PATRICIA You must be Manuel. BASTIEN What would lead you to make such an assumption? Manuel, I mean. MANUEL I just assumed that . . . I was the only one . . . here right now. Who are all of you? BASTIEN Oh, it's much too tedious for us to all name ourselves once again, simply for your benefit. Sit down, Manuel, and do say something while you're at it. MANUEL [Sits.] Well, that's just it, isn't it? I don't know what to say. Perhaps I'll go the obvious route, and say something merely for its simplicity value. Hello, everyone. It's nice to meet you. Was that satisfactory, you annoying little ass? BASTIEN [Laughs.] Oh, that was superb. The mood of the room was becoming oppressive. PATRICIA Now, Bastien, I don't think you responded correctly to Manuel. He called you an ass for no apparent reason, and all you can do is laugh? DEIDRE Oh, this is all so unexpected. I thought the setting would be a little more . . . realistic. BASTIEN Dear God. Well, look at it this way, Patty. I could have reacted more strongly, indeed, perhaps. I was simply too overwhelmed with his fantastic entrance. I mean, his mood is quite simply stunning. MANUEL I don't have a mood, you pretentious little twerp. You know, I could stand up and walk over to you and just deck you right now between the eyes. Kick your scrawny little ass all the way through that wall, you ape-ass pansy dick-wad. DEIDRE [Horrified.] Manuel! How can you say such things, when you don't even know him? MANUEL [Confused.] You know, I'm not sure. Something came over me. I apologize, Bastien. JEROME Oh, for the love of Buddha! Manuel, now you're wimping out, and you're the pansy ass twerp. Your type sicken me, you marshy little fruitcake flapjack jerkhead! BASTIEN Oh, we've got a problem here. Calm down, Jerome. Something's amiss. PATRICIA See, that's just the sort of thing that makes me want to kick your ass, Bastien! "Amiss!" I mean, you sound like a bloody pedant. BASTIEN Oh, something's definitely wrong here. A minute ago, you were on my side. Now you've turned the tables, changed your character and your point of view. This is all wrong. DEIDRE Dear me, what's that stack of paper on that table there? Perhaps it's something interesting. One of you should check it out, I'm much too timid. PATRICIA Oh, the poor girl. It must be shock. Jerome, help her! JEROME Oh, you can just shut up, Patty. You think you're just so damn hot. Well, maybe you should go screw yourself, huh? BASTIEN [Stands up, walks to table. Looks at stack of papers.] Oh, dear. Oh dear oh dear indeed. MANUEL What is it, Bastien? What have you found you hog-licking fiend? BASTIEN [Spins around, angry.] You see, that's just it! Don't you see what you're all saying? Nothing from your mouths makes any sense, not logically, anyway. You put in insults or attacks or silly little whimperings, and for what? For what? For their raw literate value? For entertainment! To break the monotony! JEROME What's wrong with breaking the monotony? BASTIEN You mustn't! You can't do this! You're just playing to their whims, don't you see? It's all been set up. This room, this table, these walls . . . Keep up the monotony, it's our only chance to escape this! PATRICIA Now that makes no sense, good Bastien. BASTIEN You're doing it again! Changing character, changing ideas, just floundering about aimlessly! None of it is any good! DEIDRE [Stands.] What's the stack of papers, Bastien? Tell me or I'll help them all kick your wimpy little ass! BASTIEN It's all for shock value. There's no track, there's no reason or rhyme. And the cliches! Even I'm saying them! DEIDRE Something's come over Bastien. Calm down, Bastien. You're not making any sense. BASTIEN But neither are you! If you would just stick to one mood, one impression, then maybe we could get out of here. This infinity of nothingness, this room that symbolizes nothing. Without a proper stream of thought, how can we ever prosper, or change? We're all just static-- PATRICIA It must be the papers. Check them out, Deidre. DEIDRE [Walks to the table. Looks at papers. Leafs through the stack.] Oh, dear. [Reads some more.] Oh dear God, he's right. JEROME [Stands.] What is it, Deidre? He's right about what? What are those papers. MANUEL They've all gone mad. Mad, mad, mad I say! I'll kill them all with my bare hands if I have to. DEIDRE It's a script. BASTIEN Yes, a script. You stupid, stupid fools. A script. And all you can do is do what you do . . . JEROME What sort of script? A script of what? DEIDRE A script of us. A script of us. PATRICIA What do you mean of us? What does it say? DEIDRE It says what we say. BASTIEN [Laughs.] We say what it says. It is our script. Us. JEROME Are you trying to tell us something? Is there some sort of symbolism here? MANUEL I'm bored, suddenly. Very bored. Of all of you. Go to hell. BASTIEN I'm not sure if it's symbolic. No, I rather think it is not. [Curtain.] END. + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +-+-+=+=+l+u+k+e+w+a+r+m+=+=+-+-+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +mailing-list/feedback/submissions: lukewarm@bbs.bplanet.com+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + ftp.etext.org/pub/Zines/Luke+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +stand back, it's not safe for you here + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +copyright? what copyright? (c) 1997+ + + + + + + + + +