REJECTS ILLUSTRATED #1 PO Box 81401 (fc3@cris.com) Mobile, AL 36689 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is, what I guess you would call the predecessor to the zine Socially Transmitted Disease. It should be noted that I (fc3@cris.com) had absolutely nothing to do with this zine, which I (save a few parts) didn't like very much. I'm just bored right now. Uh, in case you were wondering I do have a life (well.. uh kind of, I guess. Maybe. Nope, guess not.) and I type real fast. Oh yeah, I'm guessing that there will never be any more issues, or any reprints of this issue, and my comments are enclosed *[like this]* later --------------------------------------------------------------------------- INTRO Welcome to the first episode of Rejects Illustrated. Brought to you in part by the rejects at Reject Records and the heathens at Rite Heyah! Records. We wrote this 'zine out of frustration of the lack of a scene. This is also a way for our opinions to get heard. It seems like you walk up to someone + try to talk to them you get an attitude instead of a conversation. We hope people will actually read this and consider some of our points. Hopefully some of you will write us with some opinions of your own, or just write to say whats up! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm a grillworker at McDonalds so I work on the grill (duh). Which means I make burgers and cook meat and lots of other shitwork. Anyways, one day I was cooking some meat and I noticed that one of the grease traps on the side of a grill was getting full. I emptied the grease into a cart-like thing. The grease sits in it for like a week or until it gets full, but the cart was full and I never had to empty that before, so I asked the manager what I was supposed to do with it. He told me to get the grease-cart and follow him outside to another grease container. The outside container was about the size of a couch and filled with grease. My manager told me to empty the cart into it. "Any of your little girlfriends wear makeup ?" he asked me. "Huh? Whaddaya mean ???" I asked in total confusion. "Well when this grease vat gets full, we sell the grease to make up companies. They use this shit to make make-up" he replied. by G-$auce Well, you can imagine my revulsion. People wear this rotten, stinky shit on their faces. The companies test this shit on animals, make it out of animals and then use sexist ads to sell their crap to the mass consumer. Why the hell do women wear make-up anyway? Do they think it makes them look better to cake animal fat on their face. Just because Cindy Crawford says its cool, don't make it so. My so-called opinion Rx Yeah, that's gross eeeeeaeeew!! No actually I like make-up especially when it's acompanied *[sic]* with lots-o-hairspray. Bassmaster --------------------------------------------------------------------------- FUTURE! WHAT FUTURE? We've got a social disease and it's making me sick. I'm not talking about crabs or drippy dick, I'm talking about gangs. Every disease has its own distinct symptoms. Most alments primarily damage the ones infected, but some have the capacity to effect everyone. Let's talk over some of the warning signals. Suddenly becomes irrational and violent with little or no provocation, sees women as bitches and hoes and treats them like material posessions, grows fond of a low pitched consistent thud, thinks somehow money, gold chains, and nice cars give them more intrinsic value. If you suffer from any of these symptoms we strongly urge you to visit the nearest neighborhood clue store as soon as possible. It is really unsettling to think of all the people that have been affected by this nonsense. Our country is running over with young adults who seem to think they are immortal. They are apparently having trouble comprehending reality. We only have one life to live and it's a shame for someone to lose that because of someone else's bullshit. Dead is dead and nothing still equals nothing, the rules have not changed. Even after seeing this first hand most americans still have trouble believing the violent statistics, I on the other hand have no trouble at all. We live in a society that tells us to be kind and nonviolent. At the same time we grow up learning prejudice and the man that can fight is the man that is right ethic. It's getting bigger everyday. As Matt Dykes sat there, and wrote this, MTV was (and still is) shamelessly making another million selling this "subculture" and another potential statistic is coming around the corner. I don't see this getting any better, until we stop rewarding materialism and see our almighty illusions of ourselves for what they are, illusions. Donald Scrump --------------------------------------------------------------------------- SHOW REVIEWS BOUNCING SOULS/SCREW 32/THE QUEERS/NOBODYS/LICK @ THE NIGHT OWL Pensacola, FL December 1, 1995 (904)433-4291 It was December 1, at the Night Owl in Pensacola. Five bands, lots-o-beer and tons-o-hotties. The show opened with those wack locals (Lick) that play some of that poppy shit that all the kids including me are into these days. Then came the NOBODYS, who play late-80s style joke punk. I thought that they were some emensly enjoyable lads. *[Fuck the Nobodys! Damn sexist ignorant bullshit lyrics.. ]* Third were those Berkeley refugees SCREW 32, who entertained the crowd with their brand of generic hardcore/ska bullshit that I found pretty damn boring. Then came the BOUNCING SOULS who lived up to their name and make me bounce! Last was some more of that wonderful poppy shit. brought to us by The Queers. (This is the point where the review stops and my testosterone kicks in.) Now by this time you must understand that I had a few bottles of "fire water" in me and was rearin' to go. Well anway, the Queers were poundin' out some goodies, and I was having a good-ole time jumping around and singing. Until I noticed the many dirt-necks and hair farmers rippin' it up in the (I wanna look like I'm in that cheezy fuckin' Offspring video) mosh pit. That's when some piece-of-shit son-of-a-bitch ripped my prized MOTARDS t-shirt. I could see it in his eyes, this appeared to be no accident. So naturally I retorted by tackling the bastard and roughing him up a bit, but never-the-less soon we were interrupted and the little scuffle was no more. Then it was back to some more good clean fun with the Queers. If you weren't at the show, you should've been because it was a damn good time. Do yourself a favor and start supporting your scene because there are a few people on the gulf coast that are trying their hardest to create one for you!!! Bassmaster MAN.. OR ASTROMAN?/THE WOGGLES @ SLUGGO'S January 27, 1996 Pensacola, FL It was the twenty-seventh day of January, nineteen hundred and ninety six at a place called Sluggo's in Pensacola, Florida, USA. Earth. First off the club was packed, in fact so packed they stopped letting humans enter the structure. The WOGGLES (From the Atlanta/Athens area) took the stage around 11:30 pm central time. I must admit I wasn't familiar with them, except for the few tunes I saw on the sleazefest video (which by the way is well worth purchasing) What I heard was some snazzy, early Rock and Fuckin Roll type sounding stuff. I was very impressed with the crowds response to them. I really did not expect the Woggles would go over as well as they did. They didn't by any means lack in stage presence, but if you weren't that impressed by the band, you probably could not peel your eyes away from the gorgeous go-go dancer. Damn, was she good. Not once did she look out of place. Most Go-Go dancers I've seen have at least a short period of time where they look like they don't have a clue as to what is going on, but not this hotty! Next was MAN.. OR ASTROMAN? (From Auburn, AL as if you didn't already know that). It has been a while since I've seen these space cretins and they definately improve with each viewing. This time they had their stage antics down to a muta fuckin galactic science. It never fails though every time I see these guys, Birdstuff ends up getting into a scuffle with at least one of the astromen. On this occasion it was Dexter X (the new space asshole, that is taking the whole DEVO thing too far) Well anyway. the band played incredibly as usual and had the crowd groovin' for at least an hour/ The only thing I have to bitch about is that the show was not All Ages. This policy really bothers me, but I saw a few under-18ers scam their way into the show. So, then I guess everything turned out just about as peechee as it could have. Bassmaster --------------------------------------------------------------------------- WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL 1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you. 2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens. 3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first. 4. Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover. 5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased. 6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo. 7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it. 8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss. 9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn. 10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin. 11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased. 12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow. 13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased. 14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over. 15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood. 16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them. 17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp. 18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you. 19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts. 20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on. 21. Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss. 22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit. 23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose. 24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth. 25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint. 26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose. 27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin. 28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried. 29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes. 30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- RECORD REVIEWS Wynona Ryders "J.D. Salinger" (LP) Bollweevils "Heavyweight" (LP) Lookout records Dr. Strange Records This is actually an LP and a 7". This band seems to get better with There are a lot of good songs on each new release and this is this one, including the Mighty definately no exception. This Morphin Power Rangers theme and a album is heavier than the last, sarcastic version of the Sex but coinsides with the bands overall Pistols "Great Rock and Roll toe tappin' sound. Buy this! Swindle". My only problem with it Donald Scrump are the piano interludes between just about every song, but this is The Pist "Ideas are Bulletproof" (LP) still a great record and well worth Elevator Music getting. This is great! Nineteen hardcore tunes Donald Scrump that wish death upon the apathetic whiners that clog the arteries of the The Pist "Ideas are Bulletproof" (LP) underground scene. Elevator Music Donald Scrump Damn are they pissed! This is some great, street punk shit. It just Meatmen/Boris The Sprinkler (split 7") makes you want to get out and go do Bulge Records something for the good of the scene This shit seriously kicks ass! Four (hint, hint!) You should definately songs by the always crude Meatmen check this one out. and two by those disturbed schmucks Bassmaster in Boris The Sprinkler. With lyrics like "My wife laments, I drink, I'm Youth Gone Mad "Why is it still crass! Plug my teenage daughter in the hard?" (7") Last Resort Records ass!" how could you go wrong? Unless This is fucking cool, YGM a few of course this offends you, if that is quite twisted lots! One song about the case then you should definately how they hate old people and the avoid this slab. other about how they hate water. For Bassmaster lack of any better description: slow, new wavish, alternating male/female Scratch Bongowax "Infeild Mess" (7") vocals with obnoxiously funny lyrics. Competant garage influenced punk with I like it a lot, so buy it ya twat! more great beats than you can shake a Bassmaster stick at! Donald Scrump Rhythm Collision "Now" (LP) Dr. Strange Records Riverdales "Fun Tonight b/w I'm a Whoooooooh!!!!! Open the window, vegitable" (7") Lookout Records somebody make a stinky. Generic, Gabba Gabba hey??? Well, I have quite Generic, Generic. an affection for Screeching Weasel, Donald Scrump but of all the Ramones rip offs this is the most blatant and pathetic. Riverdales "Fun Tonight b/w I'm a Donald Scrump vegitable" (7") Lookout Records Huh? What the hell? I know Ben Weasel Teengenerate "Smash Hits" (LP) is heavily influenced by the Ramones, (Estrus Records) but this is fuckin' pointless. Japanese garage rock at its finest. This Gabba Gabba Blows! A collection of early singles that is Bassmaster a must for anyone who enjoys this genre of music. I will sure miss these AFI "Answer that and Stay guys now that they are defunct, but Fashionable" (LP) Wingnut Records I'm sure Fink and the rest of the The music has a bit of a Rancid feel crew will go on to form other truly to it, while the vocals save it. great bands! The bass player is obviously Bassmaster influenced by Matt Freeman of Rancid I would appreciate not seeing this on AFI "Answer that and Stay Fashionable" MTV, but with their upcoming tour (LP) Wingnut Records with the aforementioned money Catchy, melodic hardcore with Rancid grubbing sons-of-bitches it is hard style basslines. Something I would to tell what the future holds. All in like to scrump to! all an extremely booty shakin', head Donald Scrump bobbin' good time!!! Bassmaster The Motards "...Rock Kids" (LP) Empty Records AFI/Heckle (split 7") I saw the Motards several months back Wingnut Records and that was my first experience with I'm always happy to see a new release them. I was instantly impressed with with AFI written on it. I like me their drunken stage antics and the way some AFI. Not as much as I like me they so skillfully destroyed my some chicken, but damnit I like it!! friends house. Anyway, this is really This is the first I've heard of great garage punk stuff. Heckle and I think they're fucking Donald Scrump cool. They kind of remind me of OP IVY. Both bands have cool music and J Church "Nostalgic For Nothing" (2xLP) good thought out lyrics. Broken Rekids Donald Scrump This is a compilation of several previously released 7 in. including Dead and Gone "T.V. Baby" (12 EP) "My Favorite Place" and "Ivy League Prank Records College" 26 songs in all. I laughed, Eight great new songs played at 45 I cried, It changed my life. It's rev per minute. This release deviates good. a bit from their previous 7", but is still easily recognized as dead and Merel s/t (CD) Gern Blandstern Records gone. Every instrument can be heard I was dissapointed by this CD because by itself, yet go together very well. I already have everything on it on Reminiscent of early Neurosis. So if vinyl except one song. It is nice that's what you're into, get this. having it all on a CD and its good Donald Scrump listening. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- BEER REVIEWS BY THE KID * - Horse Piss ** - Average watered down American beer *** - Fairly drinkable **** - A Very Fine Brew ***** - Brew of the Gods The Beast- **1/2- Pretty Watered down, but it doesn't have much of a taste, so it goes down smoother than most cheap American puke beers. Hamms- no stars- Not only is this "beer" very watered down, containing less than 4% alcohol, it also is one of the very worst tasting beers in the world, Maybe second only to Colt 45 Menthol *[The Colt will knock you out!!@# I love it]* Weinhardt's Pale Ale- ****- This is a very finely crafted brew with a crisp, clean flavour. You can taste the hops and grain that went into it, and it doesn't leave an unpleasant after taste. It is also fairly inexpensive for a premium beer. Blackened Voodoo- **- This beer was a huge disappointment. I remember when I bought it. It had a cool name, and it came in a cool box with evil looking pictures on it. It was expensive (about 8 bucks), so I thought it must be some premium beer. I thought I was in for a real treat. Wrong.... It tasted like swamp scum (Maybe that would explain the swamp motiff on the box.) The only reason I gave this so-called beer two stars instead of one is because it does have a fairly high alcohol content. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Our good friend and collegue Bassmaster is hard up for cash these days, so he taken to doing disgusting deeds for small sums of money. Below is a list of some of the things Bassmaster is willing to do and it's price, in case you need any ideas for entertainment at partys, weddings, or Bar Mitzvahs. Sucking someone's fungus infested toe...... pocket change Eating someone else's booger............... $9.00 Inserting his fist in a cow's rectum....... $20.00 Licking a dog's anus....................... $5.00 Eating someone's scab...................... $10.00 Licking a toilet seat in a public restroom. will do it for a "spanking" Exposing himself to a nun.................. free Masturbating a cat......................... Will pay for the pleasure Suck up a 40 ounce through a straw......... $4.99 plus straw Inserting finger into a horses' rectum..... personal amusement. CHICKEN!? I LIKE ME SOME CHICKEN. DO YOU LIKE YOU SOME CHICKEN? IF YOU LIKE YOU SOME CHICKEN AS MUCH AS I LIKE ME SOME CHICKEN, YOU WOULD HAVE TO AGREE, JUST LIKE PEOPLE, SOME PARTS OF THE CHICKEN ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS. I LIKE THE CHICKENS BREASTASASSASAS. ITS GOT LOTS OF WHITE MEAT. YOUNG, FRESH, TENDER, WHITE MEAT. THE BEST PART OF THE BREAT HAS TO BE THE NIPPLE. I LIKE TO GET IN FRONT OF IT AND BARK LIKE A DOG. I LIKE TO STARE IT DOWN UNTIL IT SUBMITS TO ME. I LIKE TO NAME IT FRED AND GET ALL COZY WITH IT. I LIKE TO WHIP IT, I LIKE TO LICK IT, I LIKE TO THUMP IT, I LIKE TO SCRUMP IT. THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY BOY!!!! DONALD SCRUMP A POOPY STORY *[ I refuse to write this just cause it is sooooooo fucking dumb. WAIT... the other stuff was funny dumb (at least I thought so) but this is just stoopid. ]* --------------------------------------------------------------------------- All throughout history people have invented gods to explain away everything from storms to our existence. People have invented complex belief systems to attach themselves to their gods. We've been taught of a god who sent his only son to die for us. We've been told he's preformed miracles like turning water to wine. Imagine you have been taught modern science alone and were hearing all this for the first time. You probably wouldn't even notice you wet yourself from all the laughter. Yet these religions are still a major part of our lives today. In our country and many others worldwide, christianity is shoved down our throats and forced into our brains. We're barely able to read and write when they start teaching us about jesus and start taking us to churches. As soon as they get us in we are bombarded with organs and stained glass windows depicting scenes from the bible. There is a man in a robe telling us passionate stories of Saints and Sinners. Along with the mellodramatic behaviour of all the people around you it can be a pretty overwhelming experience. These beliefs have been carried along the years for many reasons. Religion gives many people a sense of community and stability. People who are religious seem to live longer, healthier lives than those who are not. It's a lot easier to get through life thinking that something greater is looking out for you. It is also the most powerful form of social control invented. It's so simple. If you believe in their god and follow their set of rules, you go to heaven and live in eternal bliss. If you choose not to, you burn for all eternity with some horned freak shoving a pitch fork up your ass. It really makes me sick to think that people have to be scared into treating one another well. It would be a much better world if we could take comfort in and believe in one another insted of some old story that got blown out of proportion. We need to accept our own condition. Anoyone who claims to know of something other than birth, life or death is full of shit. Donald Scrump --------------------------------------------------------------------------- SURGEON GENERALS WARNING: Smoking Causes Lung Cance, Heart Disease, Emphysema and May Complicate Pregnancy. First I would like to start out with some facts about the substances that make up tobacco products. NICOTINE is an alkaloid found in the roots, leaves and seeds of the tobacco plant. This substance is extremely poisonous. In it's pure form it will cause vomiting, weakness, rapid weak pulse, and even death. It can be used as an insecticide and to treat tetanus and strychnine poisoning. TAR is a substance containing carcinogens which have been blamed for the many cancers among smokers. Last is SMOKE PARTICLES, up to 25% of these particles can remain trapped in your lungs, even after you have exhaled. Cells absorb these particles causeing them to function improperly and create scar tissue on the lining of the lungs. Now that I have gotten that out of the way, I will try to get on with it!!!! Over the years I have experienced my own health deteriorate from smoking and I also saw my uncle literally waste away from the lung cance which enentually killed him. There are thousands of young people smoking for the first time that think this will not happen to them. One of the most irritating things I've seen are cigarette ads designed to make people think smoking is cool or sophistocated. How cool is Marlboro Man for dying of cancer? How sophistocated would Joe Camel be, looking in the mirror checking his humps for tumors? The tobacco industry is the perfect example of corporate greed. They have made their living selling addictive substances that have killed millions. It's time to quit and let them know our lives are worth more than their PROFITS!!!!! Donald Scrump --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rejects Illustrated, Post Office Box 81401, Mobile, Alabama 36689