,;8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888;. :88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888; 8888888;'` `':88888888'' .;:;. ``88888 8888;'-====-,:8888888888;,.-======================-`:8888' - :; 3 :; `8888 8888 ,88888888888888888; 8888 ':;:' - 8888 888; ;88888' 8888888888; :888 -- - 8888 888 ;8888' :88888888' .,. 888 - - - 8888 888-==-88888-====-`"""""'--,88888.-==================-888 - .;8:. 8888 888 `8888;. .888, 8888888. 888 ::888;; - 8888 888 `8888888. `888' `888'888. ,.. 888 -- `:8;' 8888 888-======-`8888888.-`:888;,-==-888.--.888888.-======-888 -- 8888 888 `8888888. `'8888;,.888.888' `88' 888 - .;8:. 8888 888 `8888888. `'8888888' 888 ::888;; - 8888 888-===============-`888888.-==-888'-,88.-=-,88.-====-888 - - `:8;' 8888 888 ,88888;,. `88888; 888' 888' 888' 888 -- - 8888 888-=-,8888888888;-==-,88888;-888'-.,.`888.--`888.-==-888 - .;8:. 8888 888; :88888888888 ;888888; :888 88888 `88; `888. :888 ::888;; - 8888 8888--`888888888888888888;'-=-888.;8888;-888.-.888-=-8888 - - `:8;' 8888 8888:.--``888888888888;'-====-`8888888'--`888888'--.;8888; -- - - ,8888 8888888;.-=-`'"""""'-===========-`""'-====-`""'.,;88888888;. - .;88888 `8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888bob//ffa/fbla888888888888888' `'88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888'` Stu v.1.0b released 16/06/96 Stu is not produced regularly, nor is it produced irregularly. All contents herein are copyrighted by whoever wrote them. Stu may be distributed in it's entirety. If you do not cooperate with this request you are violating copyright laws. If you don't mind that you are violating copyright laws, then we don't either. Reproduce it in small bits and wallow in your criminal status. If you use a Stu article in another compilation, you also, are in violation of the above copyright laws. If you do not care about these laws, you may do whatever the hell you like with anything herein. Attempts to profit from reproduction of anything contained in Stu violates the above copyright. However, if you can get paid for anything printed herein, you are a superior individual and the above copyright laws do not apply to you. If you break the above law, then you are in violation of the above law. =- +_ =- =-+- =_ =_ +_ +- =_=- +-+-=- =+ +_-+ _=_ +- +-+ _+-+_ =-+_=- +_ _ Stu v.1.0b Contents .9._ascii junk --=+=-- bob .0.-some stuff --=+=-- someone .3._more stuff --=+=-- someone .5.-more stuff --=+=-- someone .7._more stuff --=+=-- someone .6.-more stuff --=+=-- someone .8._more stuff --=+=-- someone* * There may be more or less than is stated in the contents section. + _-+=+_ =-+_ =- - =-=-+ _+-=_ =-+-= -= -=_ =- =-+ _=-= -+_"Doug the Dog" Doug the dog had an extremely low standard of morality. He would kick the shit out of all the other dogs. They didn't get along with Doug too well. One day, a big dog came up to Doug and said "if you don't stop beating all the dogs, I'll kick your ass." The big dog had challenged Doug and Doug wasn't going to stand for it. So the next day, Doug got his cousin Ray's Glock and put a bullet through the big dog's head. Now Doug can kick the shit out of all the other dogs without being harassed. -+=_ _ +_+ _ +_ =_ +_=-+ _=-+ _= =- =_ +-+_+ _+_=_ - =_ +_= -+_="Blah" "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah," said the teacher to the class. At least that's all Jimmy could make out because he was so fucking tired. +_+_=-=-=-+ -= -= -=- +_ =- =-+ _= -=- =_+_ =_=- =- =-+_ +-+_ =_=-_ "Fear" Fear is a car stereo with a broken tuner stuck on a country station. Fear is a KKK member having second thoughts about his sexuality. Fear is a door to door religion salesman who won't go away. Fear is having a pack of M&Ms at a Weight Watchers meeting. Fear is late night public access television. Fear is eating mayonaise. Fear is =-+ _+- =_ =_+_ =_ = -+_ +_ +_ +_ =- =-+-+__= -- -"An Interview with God" If I was Barbera Walters and could choose anyone I wanted to interview, I would choose God. If God showed up, I would first ask her if any of the religions on Earth follow what she would like. Then I would try to get on her good side. If The All-Knowing did not show up, I would report that God did not answer our request for an interview. -+_+ _+_ =_ +_ =-=- =-+- +_+ -=- =_+_ =_+ _+_+_ =-=_+ _=_"Street Shooting" Johnny whipped out his gun, and without regard to human life, shot the man who had done nothing but be in the wrong place at the wrong time. The man fell to the ground knowing not why he had been shot. Johnny noticed he had shot him in the back of the leg and became infuriated at the man for not being a better target. Johnny went up to the body lying on the ground and kicked it in the stomach with all his might. A moan of pain came from the body. He grabbed the wounded man by the hair and sat him up. He gave a tremendous blow to the side of the man's face, breaking his nose. The man fell back to the ground; blood flowed from his face. Johnny kicked him in the head repeatedly, each time bringing forth more blood. He went back to kicking him in the chest and stomach thinking of the internal and external injuries he was causing. The man was rolling on the ground mumbling the words "please god" and "why me" over and over. Every time he spoke, Johnny would strike his face with the gun. Johnny was becoming tired so he stopped kicking the man and raised his gun. He shot him in the unwounded leg, then in the arms. He shot him in the stomach and the chest, and finally put a bullet through his head. Then Johnny went home and ate dinner. +_=- =-= -+_ =_+_ +_=_ +_+ -+-+_-=-= -=-+ _+_ =-=- =_+ _=_+="Observations" I really enjoy observing Mark. The way he carries on so many conversations with himself is amazing. Sometimes he'll become outraged and start screaming at himself. The he will scream back at himself, providing the other half of the argument. I know he has some strange hobbies, but the one I find strangest is not the dropping kittens of freeway overpasses or suspending himself in midair, it's his stamp collecting. Not just stamp collecting, it's what he does with the stamps. He wraps himself in butcher paper and tries to mail himself to Pakistan. +_= -= -=-+_+ _=- +_ +-+_=-=- + _= -+_+ _=-= -= -=_+ _=-_-=+"World Hunger" Possible ways to reduce world hunger: 1. Kill a lot of people 2. Feed everyone 3. Supply condoms in food relief shipments 4. Grow more food +_=_=-=- =-=- =- +- +_=- +_+ -= -= _= _+ _+_= -+ _=-="Christmas Vacation" For vacation, I watched television eight hours a day and slept twelve. The one bright spot was on Christmas when my dad came home and gave me my present, a tire iron. I was overjoyed because it was so much cooler than the beatings I usually got for Christmas. I would sit watching TV and putting holes in the wall the rest of my vacation. I don't think I'll ever get tired of my new toy, the tire iron. + _= -=- =_ +_+ _=_ +_=_ +_ +-+_ =_+ -= -=_ =-=-=_+ -=_ +-+ _"Being Short" I hate being short. People always step on me. I'll be walking along and the next thing I know, I'll be face first on the ground under the weight of a huge foot. It's usually not that bad. I just get up, brush myself off and stretch my aching body a little. There are times, however, when I get stepped on so hard that bones break or gashes open. I hate those times the most. - + _=_ +-+- - =- =_=_ =_+_+_ =_+- =-+_=-+_ =-=_+ -+_= -"Elvis Was Right" In the news today Order item number 8735 Let the Lord into your heart DNA evidence proves You've slept with how many men He'll be using the nine iron This is CNN Now take the plum pudding And one, and two, and three, and four Call my Psychic Friend Network 1-800-ABCDEFG Our guests will be racist, midget plumbers Go Go Power Rangers One Life to Live We're slashing prices All weather, all the time AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BANG! -=_+ -=- =-+_ =-= -= -= -+ _= _+_ = - = _=- +_+-_+ -=- - -=_+_-"Big Head" Sometimes I wish I had a really big head. Almost like a normal head, just extremely big. Usually I just think about it a while then laugh about it. I mean, having a really big head would be funny. But today, I thought about it, and I didn't laugh. It wasn't funny anymore. +-__=- = -= _=_=_= = -++ -= - - - _+ -+ _+ _=_ +_= - =+_-"Today's Special" TODAYS SPECIAL PEANUT BUTTER AND BOB DOLE SANDWICH 2 SLICES SIX GRAIN BREAD SMOOTH PEANUT BUTTER THIN SLICED, SMOKED BOB DOLE + _+ _= -=- +_ =_ =- =- -_ -=_ -+_ +_= -= -= -+ _ =__- =- +_ +- +_+ -=-= - So ends Stu. Wait, it's not over, I have a wacky idea. An interactive e'zine! The last article will be written by the reader! You can type anything you like after the next break line. Then you can save it and distribute it so everyone can see your comments. It is possible that you might be crazy and write above the line or change words in this 'zine, so we have come up with a way to combat that, it's called apathy. +_+_ =- = -+ _= -=_ =- =_ =_ + -+_=_ =_ = -+_ =_ = _ -"Reader Writes Here" I am starting you off! Wow, this feels so crazy.