//=====| /====+====/ /=/ /=/ /========/ /=/ /===\ // / /=/ /=/ /=/ /=/ /=/ /=/ /=/ /======/ / /=/ /=/ /========/ /=/ /=/ /=/ /=/ / /=/ /=/ /=/ /=/ /=/ /=/ /======/ / /=========/ /=/ /=/ /===/ eightball[stupid productions, inc.] TABLE OF CONTENTS ----------------- by neko We're so elite, we don't need no stinking table of contents. Read the damned zine yourself. editorial eightball well, here we are. a one hour zine project entitled, yes, STUPID. and, in the style of zines before them, STUPID is an an acronym (yay!). and what does STUPID stand for, you ask? stick ten unemployed pigeons into dungeons. what does that mean? who cares? its stupid enough for me. what will be in the first issue of stupid? well, you'll just have to see for yourself. and in the meantime, turn your phasers to "mind numbing". STUPID EDITORIAL ISSUE #001 --------------------------- by neko Boredom on irc leads to stupid rthings. Hence, stupid #001! The new zine where not only is stupidity the medium, it is also the MESSAGE! Stick Ten Unemployed Pigeons Into Dungeons, or STUPID as it is more commonly known, was started on February 11th, 1997 to incorporate many different styles and stuff like that. THE NEXT PART ------------- by neko It's too bad I'm not really tired right now. I klinda whish I was in America so I could be all tired right now, cuz if I was in America right now, it would be like, 2 in the morning and I wouldf be awake, idling on irc and being bored. But here I am in Russia, and it's 11 am and so I'm not tired, but I'm idling on irc anyway. I guess life isn't real different anyway. It's kind weird like that, I spent my whole life in the US sitting on the stupid Internet doing stupid things, and then I came to Russia for a 'change of pace' but nothing of the sort happened. I still sit on stupid irc and do stupid Interent things. LAUGHTER -------- by neko I can hear them laughing all the way across the room Laughing Laughing Laughing at me Laughing at what I don't know I am afraid Afraid that if I turn around They will see me Know Know that I know Further afraid that I know them That they know me What will they think What will they say I turn Face the masses I don't know them It's just two stupid girls Thank you "women's clothes" by - eightball i like wearing women's clothes. it makes me feel secure. what i'd do without those clothes i can't say for sure. bundled up in skirts and bras, i never hesitate. wrapped in blouses, scarves, and hats, the pain alleviates. oh what joy my clothes do bring. i can't debate the point. silk and satin, frilly lace. they soothe my aching joints. call me "trans" or "cross-dresser". call me what you will. i like wearing women's clothes, and baby, I dress to kill. THE TREND --------- by neko Hi, mom, I'm hooooome!@ shouted little Jimmy as he walked through the door. Shut up, I'm trying to sleep, responded his hungover mother. Okay mom, I'm going to take daddy's gun and go shoot squirrels! That's great son. And then Jimmy went outside to shoot squirrels. Those fuckers never saw him coming! He must've gotten TEN in like TEN minutes. Wow. Hi, mom, I'm home again and this time I brought ten dead squirrels!@ SHUT UP GODDAMNIT! Jimmy's mother was, you see, still quite hungover. And then there was a knock on the door. And then Jimmy answered it. THIS IS THE POLICE, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST, MOTHERFUCKER! My mommy said never to talk to strangers, said Jimmy, shutting the door. The cops banged on the door. GODDAMNIT JIMMY, ANSWER THE FUCKING DOOR! shouted Jimmy's mother. I did, mommy, it's some men from the police and I don't know them so I won't talk to them! THE POLICE, WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY WANT? I don't know, mommy. I didn't talk to them. WELL, WHY THE FUCK NOT? Because you said not to talk to strangers! OH YEAH. From the door: BANG BANG OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!@ My mommy said not to talk to strangers. Jimmy's hungover mother straggled to the door and pulled it open. OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!@ SHUT UP, THE DOOR IS OPEN YOU STUPID PIG! OH, YEAH. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? WE HAVE REPORTS OF MASS SQUIRREL HOMICIDE AT THIS RESIDENCE, MA'AM. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Okay, thank you, ma'am. Goodbye. Have a nice day. Jimmy's mother slammed the door in the cops face. JIMMY! BOY! YOU BEEN SHOOTING SQUIRRELS AGAIN? Yes, mother! GOOD BOY! LET'S MAKE DINNER! Moral: If you shoot squirrels, ask your mother for permission first. chains by eightball rip out my tongue, and throw me in chains. lock me inside with your rotting remains. call me a liar, a sinner, a fool. tell me i'm worthless; that i'm just a tool. put me in irons, the rack if you like. nail up my hands with a blood-splattered spike. blow up my house if it pleases you to. there are no bounds to what i'll do for you. I CAN WRITE IN LOWER CASE TOO ----------------------------- by neko look at me i'm a trendy angsty zine poet i can write in lower case too or i can SHOUT in the upper case whichever gets my feelings across LOUDLY quietly sometimes the LOUDEST words are those written in the quietest ways i can write in lower case too don't leave me out of the revolution i can write in lower case too don't think i can't that would be pollution i can write in lower case too I JUST CHOOSE NOT TO AND THEN THERE WERE NONE ------------------------ by neko I like to title things before I write them. That way I have some idea what the reader expects to read about and I can thouroughly and completely let him/her down. What did you expect by this title? I surely don't know. And then there were none of what? Is that what you asked yourself when you started to read this? Don't you know? It's all wrong!@ You can't get anywhere with that sort of logic! That girl. Yeah. That one. Over there. Do you think *SHE* thinks that then there were none? Of course not! She thinks the exact opposite! Then there were SOME. So what is the difference between the two? Well, one quite clearly is define as an optimist, while the other, just as clearly is define as a pessimist. The optimist, yeah, you know the guy, he thinks the cup is half full. The pessimist, on the other hand, thinks it's half empty. Me? I just think it's half THERE. That's quite obvious, isn't it? And if you don't like it, then, well, your MOM! WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ----------------------- by neko Oh no, we're not gonna take it We're not gonna take it ANYMORE! "the unalienable right to eat ramen" by - eightball corpwatch international 503 park view ave. staten island, ny 10301 to whom it may concern: we've watched as corporate america has continually terminated thousands of workers. we've allowed them to eliminate the livelihoods of vast numbers of our population. downsizing has become an enormously wide- spread practice. it was what i read in the local newspaper this morning that prompted my writing to you. knowing your reputation as a fighter for the working class, i knew that only your organization could help. it seems that the campbell soup company has taken drastic, extreme, and perhaps even life- threatening action. they've done the unthinkable. they've announced the closing of a ramen noodle factory in atlanta. you've got to do something. not only will this act eliminate over one hundred jobs, but it will deprive whole sections of the country of the wonderful, funny-looking noodles that we all enjoy eating. i just can't believe its come to this. just the thought of their poorly contrived plan makes my blood run cold. so please, do whatever you have to do. petition our legislators on capitol hill. organize demonstrations. don't allow this deliberate act of ramen-reduction to occur. as citizens of the united states of america, we have the unalienable right to eat ramen. this means war. sincerely, a concerned ramen-lover COOL BANDS ---------- by neko We here at STUPID know how hard it is to think for yourself, and that is why we've created the list of cool bands. Go out and buy their albums and you will be cool and not have to worry about anything ever again. nine inch nails marilyn manson smashing pumpkins sublime nirvana pearl jam soundgarden 311 tori amos liz phair green day the offspring and all those other cool groups they play on alternative nation a lot. IF YOU WANT ME TO ----------------- by neko So, what do you want to do? I dunno, what do you want to do? I dunno, what do you want to do? ad infinitum. So, let's go see a movie. Okay, which one? I dunno, what do you want to see? I dunno, what do you want to see? Whatever you want is okay. No, whatever you want is okay. ad infinitum. And people live like this. Can you believe it? Ode to Anderson //WHS94// care of murmur [ composed circa 1994 for Anderson Cooper of Channel One. reprinted by permission. all wrongs reversed. ] Ode to Anderson Cooper, Cooper, do not cry, And leave the apple of my eye. and if, by chance, you have to pee, please, oh please not on Raweley. I wish that I could be like you, And unto Kathy would I screw. I wish, I wish to be a guest, your Hacienda is the best. I so admire your bravery, Your bulletproof hat next to thee. Danger, danger everywhere You slightly stained your underwear We still love you anyway even though you and Craig are gay His cold medina is so funky please don't touch the Coop's monkey See ya and peace out is what we say as your job slowly fades away Your teddy bear is safe with us your mommy gave it up on the bus What is next in your big career Movies, T.V., a commercial for beer? But never never on channel one the Playboy network is more fun Oh we miss you lately at our school Why don't you ever visit you insensitive fool Winnebago is better than any middle school so come and join us for some free drool Shovel up your little hose and bring with you your little hoes Hair lips aside you are the best Even though your pants you messed They shot at you and you just laughed Super Coop will cut them in half I hate this place and I want you for a boyfriend, make it come true and if you don't I'll come looking for you I know where you live and I stake you out Shut up about this you little trout If you value your puny life Give us Lisa and a knife Your think you're better than the rest but Mr. Valverde is the best Craig says goodbye and then departs Ryan has got those letters that blows farts Pop quizzes are fun and here's one for you I know where your family is but do you? Where the Hell is Hicks We miss him like we miss some ticks Satellite hookups are really cool The square on your map means you're no fool School number 23 is totally Red I've seen you wet yourself in bed The sheets are quite wet and sticky too I almost stepped in a pile of goo You stupid flipping mother of a dork I thought you knew you were a pork I'll leave you now and say see ya Party line's over and I don't have to be ya By the way WE LOVE YOUR HAIR WAVE -COG CHILL ----- by neko I am cold The cold infects me Forcing a shiver To run down my curled spine As I write these words Goosebumps jolt Up and down Up and down Up and down On my fleshy fingertips Oh winter, How I loathe thee! Go away, heathen! Bring me summer! 90 degree weather! Backyard barbecues! Lack of school! Summer forever! Join the movement! WHY YOU SHOULD DIE ------------------ by neko Because you suck -- it's as simple as that. FOREST OF LOVE -------------- by neko As I walked through the forest that day, I had no idea that the Paul Joseph Schaffer Memorial Forest was, in actuality, the mystical Forest Of Love. It wasn't until I had walked about three long miles down the path before I made this startling realization. I had fallen down. Skinned my knee. It was a warm day, and I was wearing shorts. As the blood flowed down my knee, I soon regretted it. "Hey, mister, you hurt or something?" "What? What the hell? Where did that voice come from?" "Over here, mister." I looked to my left, which was apparently where "here" was. To me complete surprise, I saw the entire Swedish Bikini Team naked. We had a lot of sex. Later, when all I wanted was more, they informed me that they had been cursed to live out all their days in this forest for being so damned sexy. I said, "Gee, that's a real big problem. Let's have sex again." They told me, "We're incredibly sorry, but you can't stay. Our curse is to have sex with everyone that walks through this...this...this cursed forest of love!" Learning that they were all sluts really pissed me off. "I thought I was special!" "Nope, honey, you're just another dick." "Damn. Well, bye." And ever since, I have stealthily avoided the Paul Joseph Schaffer Memorial Forest -- known to many as the Forest Of Love. THE END ------- by neko As Jim Morrison sang, "This is the end." Those words couldn't ring more true than now, when the one hour zine writing fest has ended. Let's count the submissions. One, two, well, a whole bunch. Let's count the writers. Well, not a whole lot. BUT THAT'S OKAY! Because as long as their is boredom on irc, STUPID will exist. Check us out on the web at: http://www.geocities.com/soho/lofts/1641/stupid.html Or email the authors directly: eightball:8ball@alfheim.net neko: neko@dto.net murmur: murmur@dto.net